You Deserve a Drink: Boozy Misadventures and Tales of Debauchery (30 page)

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Did you know that spell-check makes you capitalize the word
Internet
? I’m sorry, Sir Internet, I didn’t realize how formal we needed to be. I’ve surfed you while using my bare chest as a burrito plate, but I’ll respect your new status position.

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Or still casually trying to take that shit in the bookstore. Honestly, buddy, just go. No one is paying that much attention to you. Drop the ego.

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“What’s the deal with airplane snack prices? I know we are twenty thousand feet in the air, but does that mean the prices have to skyrocket?” —my Jerry Seinfeld impression

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Don’t you miss the days when you could get out of anything by mentioning your period? It’s like boys in high school confuse the menstrual cycle with leprosy.

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If this is not already a drag queen’s name, you guys need to step up your game.

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You know the ones. They’re meant to honor late cousin Melody, but poor Melody ends up looking like Steve Buscemi.

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Which wasn’t very far, because it’s a contact lens; it weighs nothing. But in my drunken mind, she threw it so hard that it blew the toupee off the bartender.

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I would later work at the same place and witness Stevie Wonder dominating at air hockey, if that gives you any indication of the awesomeness of these stories.

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It happened. It was the beginning of the end.

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One who drinks too much, and gets around, and makes mistakes . . . but an adult nonetheless!

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The fact that Jimmy Buffett doesn’t have a restaurant named “Jimmy Buffett’s Buffet” is one of the world’s greatest pun travesties.

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Claudia Kishi would have joined my Sew Cool Club. Why couldn’t I have grown up in Stoneybrook?

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Luckily, this was still the glorious time before phones had HD video and cameras. Back then, if your flip phone did have a camera, every pic ended up looking like a blurry photo of Bigfoot.

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The French word for balls is
les couilles
.
It’s a feminine noun. That makes zero sense. Don’t you dare tell me French isn’t hard as
les couilles
!

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’Cause they probably had.

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Obviously this is a huge generalization. I was friends with lots of incredible sorority girls in my day, so don’t get your Tri-Delt panties in a wad, ladies.

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Some people might say it’s way too risky to fry okra topless, what with the four-hundred-degree splatters of oil flying out. But I think life is no fun unless you take risks. Also, my chest is covered in oil-burn scars.

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But he probably would’ve been so scared his balls would’ve crawled inside him like two falafels in a pita pocket.

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Rest in peace.

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For those slow on the upkeep, douches actually are made of vinegar. You’re welcome. Take a sip for your ignorance.

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If you don’t get this reference, drop what you are doing and drive/fly as fast as you can to the southeast of America. Pull into a Bojangles’, order a Bo-Berry Biscuit, and experience it. I recommend doing drive-through, because you might need to be alone for this one. . . .

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Luckily, and honestly, I couldn’t find a pic of that. But just imagine
Gone with the Wind
, except I’m gone with the whiskey. And my date was on acid, with a fake musket. FUN!

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When I was a camp counselor, I performed MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This” but with all the words changed to be about poison ivy. I dressed like a poison ivy plant and made my campers be my back-up dancers.

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And sometimes I look at it again when I get super drunk and watch my own videos (usually paired with me screaming, “I am a delight!” as I eat mashed potatoes with my hands).

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Never use your own name. As you can see, I use the fake name formula of A Southern Woman from the Civil War Era + Almost a Town in Arizona. Works every time.

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Although, just to be safe, I always dressed up when I went to the mall, and I definitely played my flattering angles when hanging at the food court. All those girls in
Seventeen
magazine would say how they got “discovered” when they least expected it. You’d better believe I wasn’t going to be caught off guard in dirty overalls with a Cinnabon in my hand.

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“And
that
 . . . is the night the lights went out . . . in . . . Georgia!” Take a sip if you
don’t
get that reference.

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Carowinds is North Carolina’s equivalent of Six Flags. There are crazy rides, and Dippin’ Dots, and you can even stand in North and South Carolina at the
same time
. At the time, this was mind-blowing.

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The closest town with a movie theater and shopping—thirty miles away.

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BAHAHAHAHAHAH. That’s a good one, me.

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Looking back, I was maybe a little too into
Coyote Ugly
. What can I say? That LeAnn Rimes soundtrack got me.

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In retrospect this is hilarious because Studio 54 was known for an insane amount of cocaine use, and I had never and will never touch cocaine in my life. Cocaine makes you cocky. I clearly do not need any help in that area. One bump and I’d be scared I’d become a dictator or cult leader.

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I clearly had to google this, despite begging my parents for (and getting) Air Jordans every year growing up. What can I say? The boys loved them and I was a total poseur.

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Tigers’ vision isn’t
that
impressive, TBH. They are basically color-blind. If any animal has good vision, it’s actually a goat, who can see almost 360 degrees. But apparently, “Eye of the Goat” doesn’t sound that badass in an ’80s pump-up jam.

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I am now realizing that you should never say “panties” and “cream” that close together.

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Despite my crying from anxiety, it was like getting a shot: a lot of buildup for not that much actual pain.

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If you are thinking about using this song to walk down the aisle, do yourself a favor and really listen to the lyrics. They are fucking creepy. There’s an actual line to her daddy that says, “If you don’t mind, I’m only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time.” Da fuck, Carlisle?

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Speaking of redneck nuptials, one time I went to my high school friend’s trailer. Apparently her mom had gotten engaged the night before. I immediately grabbed her hand to check out the rock, only to have her point to her ear. Yep, she and her fiancé had just bought a pair of diamond earrings and were each wearing one. I guess they were all out of engagement BB guns.

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The video for “Crazy” seriously changed me as an eleven-year-old. I wanted to be as badass as Liv Tyler in that video. I wanted to ditch class, go skinny-dipping, and strip in my father’s band’s music video—wait,
what
? Gross in retrospect. Real gross.

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Two things: Sienna would have to scrub her hands like a surgeon right before an operation to have anyone consider eating out of them. Also, I’ve never really liked this phrase. I know it’s supposed to sound sexy, but I just picture a guy eating out of my hand like a goat eats a quarter’s worth of feed at a petting zoo.

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Till a year ago, I didn’t realize that “See you next Tuesday” was code for
cunt
(C-U-Next-Tuesday). I thought it was an old-school compliment like “She’s really something else!” I shudder to think how many people I’ve called cunts with a big smile on my face. My apologies, Vice Principal Brown.

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Although I am working on a franchise called Shaved by the Bell.

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Later I would learn that cucumber water is just a sliced Kirby thrown into some tap water, but at the time I thought I was being served a royal Indian elixir.

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Also, whoever came up with the name Wet n Wild for a company is my hero. Did the CEO want it to be edgy but thought Lubed n Crazy was a bit much?

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Shout-out to Lorenzo Potenzo, Beaux Berry Biscuit, and Tony Lofi—the greatest straight males who wore their Faggettes label proudly.

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Did you know in France they call them
oeufs mimosa
? That’s right, eggs mimosa. Doesn’t that sound nicer? Kind of like how the French coined the term “french kissing” instead of the Carolinian term “tonguin’.”

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Peanuts are legumes, not nuts. Doesn’t the entire world feel like a lie now?

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Yes, I did say “general store” nonchalantly. There is still a general store in my hometown with big glass jars of candy, glass-bottle sodas, and weird hillbilly tchotchkes. Oh, and flyers for upcoming Civil War reenactments, but we’ll just skip past that.

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Did I mention that my dad wasn’t the only thespian in my pack of parentals? My mom was an amazing theater actress before she gave it up to birth us idiots. In fact, my mom and dad actually met in the theater department at college.

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This part of Texas had glass-bottle Cokes in regular gas stations. I’m telling you, it was old-school. You could’ve found Crystal Pepsi if you would’ve reached deep enough into the cooler.

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Thank God, ’cause soon he would meet my future stepmom, who has been an absolute beacon of strength and encouragement in my life. Plus, she’s really to blame for my sailor mouth. Love you, Anne!

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CUT TO: A jury room full of very confused people wondering why tax dollars were spent on this case.

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Get it? Bowel-and-Ease? Like Balinese? If you didn’t get it, take a sip.

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Coxswains are those people on boats yelling out orders, the ones who get gold medals for being bossy. Literally
coxswain
translates to “boat servant,” but if you only translate the second half of the word, it’s the best porn name ever. Mamrie Hart stars in . . .
The Cox Servant.

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Don’t pretend you didn’t have animated crushes as a child.

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I must let you know at this point that it wasn’t Delta we were flying. Delta, and my dear cartoon lover Dusty the Lion, would never have come up with this plan.

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Shocker: I had to google that reference. Now “Who hates Larry Bird?” will forever live in my search history. Please, God, don’t let him go missing!

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Seriously. I never exchange my money back, out of sheer laziness. If I took the time to round up all the random euros, loonies, and pesos in my house, I could buy a hot tub—the good kind with cup holders and massage jets.

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Although, unlike in
Hook
, I don’t think I want to eat neon cakes and pies. Like, seriously, though, why did all the Lost Boys’ food look like it was made out of neon zinc oxide?

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But don’t go looking for those places or those deals when you are visiting the Big Apple. That was the stretch of time in the mid ’00s before St. Mark’s was turned into fro-yo shops and automated cupcake machines. Now it straight-up looks like Little Tokyo sprinkled with leftover gutter punks. Kind of like that Avril Lavigne “Hello Kitty” video.

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Even as a nine-year-old, I thought it was embarrassing that the entire production was in rap form. Like, I was a preteen, in the middle of nowhere North Carolina, wearing a shirt of Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck that read
OFFICIAL MEMBER OF TH
E BOY WATCHERS CLUB
and it was STILL too white for me.

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Mainly because we were in the continental US and my digestive system wasn’t demonstrating a sit-in.

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I later learned that the guide in the other raft let them know that going over the falls feels like being in a car crash and lots of people knock out their teeth. FUN!

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Remember when choosing which
Sex and the City
character you were was a thing? The girl in every group would be bummed when she had to be the Miranda. Miranda was the shit! A lawyer, hilarious, hot husband, tiny red-headed babe. Fuck being Carrie and her emotionally unstable, cheating ways. Still love ya, SJP!

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At least that’s what I thought until I Wikipedia’d the
Crossroads
plot to write this chapter.
You guys!
For being a sappy, cheesy movie that I cried to when I was eighteen, it sure has a lot of rape, abuse, and tragic pregnancies in it. In fact,
Crossroads
made our trip look like a kids’ movie. . . . And I am totally okay with that.

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I
lived
at the skating rink most Fridays of my childhood. It was owned and DJed by Ernest (who was at least eighty), and I would always request tons of 2 Live Crew, not knowing it was dirty. Picture nine-year-old Mamrie on skates: “Ernest! Can you please play ‘Me So Horny’?” “No.” “What about ‘Pop That Pussy’?” “Again, Mamrie?”

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This is a complete lie. Go ahead and take an extra sip if you fell for it.

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I’m kidding! My mom has no issue with the Poles. It’s the Chinese she hates. . . . Still kidding! I love you, Mom.

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Whether this actually happened or not is questionable. I was still pretty loaded at the time and didn’t sober up till we skipped second period to go to Bojangles’. Also,
study
, kids. Do not follow my lead!

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I really just want to get rich enough so I can hire a driver named Jesús and be able to say this phrase to my heart’s content. Look, everyone’s inspiration for success is different.