You are a Badass (19 page)
2. QUESTION YOUR UGLY
Once you discover what part of yourself you’re projecting onto the person who is presently bugging the living crap out of you, you can start letting it go. Begin by asking yourself some very simple questions and defusing the limiting and false stories you’ve been lugging around for ages.
For example, if you’re all pissed off that your friend who’s always late is late again, it’s pushing your buttons because you’re holding on to some sort of “truth” about the way people should be with time. Flip
it around and ask yourself things like, “In what ways am I always late or inconsiderate or unreliable?” Or maybe it’s “In what ways am I’m too rigid or controlling?”
Once you have your answer, ask yourself:
WHO DO I NEED TO BE FOR THIS SITUATION NOT TO BOTHER ME?
Using the above scenario, let’s say you discover that you’re a lot more rigid than you care to admit. This is very valuable information because you now know that in order to be happier, you need to loosen your bone, Wilma. Stop insisting that people do things exactly the way you do them (especially the people in your life who have proven they most definitely won’t), notice where you’re being ridiculously demanding simply because it’s become your habit, and not because it’s really necessary, and constantly ask yourself “can I let this one go?” By becoming aware of what we do, we can investigate why we do it and then choose to keep it or drop it, instead of blindly reacting through habit.
WHAT AM I GETTING OUT OF BEING THIS WAY?
As discussed in
Chapter 17
: It’s So Easy Once You Figure Out It Isn’t Hard, we don’t do anything unless we’re getting something out of it, even if what we’re getting are false benefits. Using this scenario, some of the positive benefits of being rigid are that you’re always on time, you get shit done, etc. But there are also some negative advantages to being rigid too; you intimidate people into getting your way, you get to be right whenever someone messes up (which they’ll do often if you’ve really honed the rigid thing well), you get to be in control, etc.
Once you bust yourself on the false reward you’re getting from holding on to this behavior, you can see it for what it is—something that’s not always in alignment with who you truly are and aspire to be—and release it when it’s not working.
HOW WOULD I FEEL IF I WASN’T THIS WAY?
One of the best ways to release the aforementioned lousy behavior is by asking yourself how you’d feel if this wasn’t true for you anymore. “How would I feel if I took the pole out of my ass about everyone doing everything exactly how I say to do it, all the time, in every circumstance?” Ask the question and then imagine yourself as this person who has let it go. How does your body feel? What do you use the brain space for that used to be taken up with poisonous thoughts about the inconsiderate pinheads you’re surrounded by who are not following your instructions? Feel into the reality of what it would be to let this go, breathe into it, visualize it, fall in love with not having it anymore, and then kick it to the curb.
3. DON’T BE AN ENABLER
In the fuzzier cases where you’re not sure what to do, but you really do want to help someone, recognize the difference between helping and enabling. When you reach out a helping hand, do you feel like they’re pulling you down or that you’re lifting them up toward their potential? Are they grateful or entitled? Do they use your help to actively move themselves in a positive direction or do they constantly need more-more-more? Just this one last time. For the fiftieth time.
Pay attention and trust how you feel. If you’re truly helping them
and they’re rising to the occasion, it will raise everyone’s frequencies and you’ll feel good. If you’re enabling them, you’ll feel heavy, depressed, and eventually resentful. While it’s no fun to kick someone to the curb when they’re at their lowest low, if you constantly bail them out, they’ll never wake up and save themselves. Why should they? They’ve got you to fund their pity party. Tough love is still love.
4. GIVE PAINFUL PEOPLE THE HEAVE-HO
Sometimes, no matter how much work you do on yourself and how forgiving you are and how skilled you get at letting it go, there’s just no way around it: Some people are just too committed to their own dysfunction. They’re painful to be around. You’d rather cover yourself with the fleas of a thousand camels than go out for a cup of coffee with them.
This is all about learning and loving and growing into the highest version of yourself, not seeing just how much torture you can endure. So along with understanding how to grow from the not-so-savory behavior of those around you, it’s also important to understand how to get the hell away from them if they’re chronically self-obsessed or violent or blaming or negative or controlling or jealous or high drama or manipulative or victimized or whiney or pessimistic or mean to animals. Here’s how:
FIRST, FEED YOUR HEAD
As discussed, lot of times the people we need to kick to the curb happen to be those we love, or at least like a lot, for their decent qualities. Hence ye olde guilt can really get in our way when trying to do the right thing. So stay strong. See it as being nice to yourself instead of
being mean to them. Remembering that you are rising up to be the highest version of yourself instead of shrinking down to their level can give you the strength you need to shake them off your leg.
NEXT, HIT EJECT
Another important thing to remember when yanking the weeds out of your garden is not to get involved in their drama. Cut the cord as quickly and simply as possible, with little to no discussion. If they’re so oblivious to your feelings that you need to toss them out of your life, chances are very good they won’t see this coming, so the discussion on why you need to end it could go on for the rest of your lives if you let it. Suddenly get really busy, fade them out, wean them off you with zero explanation. The louder they scream, the busier you suddenly get.
If having a conversation is unavoidable, remember: You’ve already decided that you want out, so don’t get sucked into working through your decision, or their problems, with them. Simply say that the relationship isn’t working for you, that you don’t like how it makes you feel, that you have to end it, and that it’s not open for discussion. Make it all about you, give them nothing to work with or argue on their behalf.
5. LOVE YOURSELF
Fiercely, loyally, unapologetically.
It’s great to be here. It’s great to be anywhere.
—Keith Richards; Rock God, connoisseur of life
I’ve got a cat who’s twenty-two years old.
I’ve also got a dad who’s eighty-seven.
The cat and my dad share the same superhero power: They both have the ability to make me pay lots of attention to them and be nicer to them than I am to anyone else. Anyone else not staring down the barrel of their impending mortality, that is.
I first realized that my cat was old and might die soon about a year ago when, overnight, all his body fat plunged to his belly region, causing him to swing it around like an udder and leaving him with a spine that’s still in shock, jutting out all spindly and jagged, wondering where everybody went. This is when the teary farewells started every time I’d leave the house and the fancy wet food began appearing in his bowl.
In Dad’s case, the phone calls and flights back east have escalated dramatically, and I now laugh hysterically at all his jokes, no doubt making him worry more about my well being than I do about his.
I’m thrilled to report that even though in the calendar’s opinion, they’re real old, they’re both still kicking butt. Dad plays tennis once a week and still knows who I am, and my cat still runs when he hears the can opener.
They are also excellent reminders: When it comes to the creatures you love and the things you love and the life you love, what on earth could possibly be more important than soaking them up right now while you still have the opportunity?
If it’s something you want to do, don’t wait until you’re less busy or richer or “ready” or twenty pounds lighter. Start right now. You’ll never be this young again.
If it’s the people you love, visit them as often as possible. Act as if every time you see them will be the last. If they bug you sometimes, love them anyway. If you’ve got differences, get over them. Don’t get so tangled up in the stupid little stuff that you miss out on enjoying the people who have part-ownership of your heart.
If you’re not where you want to be in life, keep going. Treat yourself like you’re the closest friend you’ve got. Celebrate the magnificent creature that you are. Don’t let anyone mess with you and your dreams, least of all yourself.
Your life is happening right now. Do not snooze and lose.
LOVE YOURSELF
While you’ve still got the chance.
PART 5:
HOW TO KICK SOME ASS
Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.
—W.H. Murray; explorer, mountain climber, committer
The story goes that when Henry Ford first came up with the idea for his V-8 motor, he wanted the engine to have all eight cylinders cast in one block. I have no idea what that means, but apparently it was a tall order because his team of engineers was like, “Bitch, you crazy!” He told them to do it anyway, and off they grumbled to toil away at it, only to come back and inform him that it was impossible.
Upon hearing this news, Ford told them to keep at it, no matter
how long it took. He was all, “I don’t want to see your faces until you bring me what I want,” and they were all, “We just proved it can’t be done,” and he was all, “It can be done and it will be done,” and they were all, “Can not,” and he was all, “Can so,” and they were all, “No way,” and he was all, “Way,” so off they went again, this time for a whole year, and . . . nothing.
So they go back to Ford and there’s lots of tears and finger-pointing and hair pulling and Ford sends them off
again
, and tells them it will be done
again
and then, in the lab, somewhere between folding origami swans out of their notes and making fart noises every time someone mentions the word “Ford,” his engineers do the impossible. They discover how to make his eight-cylinder engine block.
This is what it means to make a decision
for reals.
When you make a no-nonsense decision, you sign up fully and keep moving toward your goal, regardless of what’s flung in your path. And stuff will most definitely get flung, which is why making the decision is so crucial—this shit is not for sissies. The moment it gets hard or expensive or puts you at risk of looking like a moron, if you haven’t made the decision, you’ll quit. If it wasn’t uncomfortable, everyone would be out there all in love with their fabulous lives.
So often, we pretend we’ve made a decision, when what we’ve really done is signed up to try until it gets too uncomfortable.
Henry Ford didn’t even make it past the sixth grade and there he was, bossing around a bunch of the world’s biggest engineering smarty-pants, setting himself up to look like a total idiot by spending large amounts of money and time on the proven impossible.
Ford was determined. And he trusted his gut and his vision more than the small thinking of others. He’d made the decision that he would have his engine the way he would have it and nothing was going to stop him.
This is why the decision is so important. If you had an idea and had to go up against a roomful of people who “knew better” than you did, and demand they do what you say in spite of all the proof they had against you, would you stick to your guns? Or if you needed tens of thousands of dollars to start your new business, and the only person you could think of to ask was your scary, rich uncle who never remembered who you were even though you saw him every Christmas, would you ask him for it? Or if you were sick of feeling fat and unsexy and out of shape and the only time you could make it to the gym was at 5 a.m. on freezing winter mornings when you were all snuggly in bed, would you go? If you made the
decision
that you were going to reach your goals, you would do whatever it took. If you merely wanted to, but hadn’t made the firm decision to, you’d roll over and begin convincing yourself that your life is fine just the way it is.
This is where being connected to your desire and Source Energy, and having an unshakable belief in the not-yet seen, is so critical. There are plenty of times when we get a brilliant idea and it temporarily fails or it pushes us into unfamiliar territory. If we don’t have a strong connection to the truth—we live in an abundant Universe, we are awesome, glorious and tear-jerkingly lovable, etc.—a blazing desire, and an unflinching belief in our own vision before it’s manifested, we’ll fall prey to our own fears and everyone else’s fears that it’s not possible and give up, instead of course-correcting or pushing on through and bringing it to life. As Winston Churchill so aptly explained, “Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”
Nobody gets to the top of the mountain without falling on his face over and over again.
By the way, back when Henry Ford insisted to a roomful of annoyed engineers that his V-8 engine could be built the way he envisioned it, it was after he’d already gone bankrupt in his first attempt at creating an automobile empire. So at that time, he already had plenty of
proof
that he was capable of failing on a massive scale, but his faith in himself and his vision was so strong that he stuck with it, in spite of all the evidence around him that pointed to “big fat loser,” and became one of the must successful entrepreneurs of all time.