You (50 page)

His shoulders were shaking. ‘I wanted to see her,’ he said, still gazing out of the window.

The sight of his trembling shoulders in all their muscular width made a ball of grief rise in Dora’s throat.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said.

‘Don’t worry,’ he said, and he coughed.

They were silent. She peered through her fingers at him. He was motionless.

‘Are you going to tell her?’ she said.

‘Oh –’ said Dan abruptly. He swallowed tea and spilled some, then lowered the cup unsteadily. He coughed. His voice was strained. ‘I haven’t the balls.’ He dropped his gaze. ‘I thought I’d storm right up to her – I can’t do it –’ His hair stood in peaks.

‘When shall we tell her?’

He shook his head. ‘I thought I –’

‘I’ll help you.’

‘I’m – I can’t – Fucking her – I’m – I’m terrified.’

‘There’s nothing to be scared of,’ said Dora, through her hands. ‘Come on,’ she said, and looked up, aware of her tear-blotched face, her thinning rumpled hair. ‘We’ll tell her tonight.’

Thirty-six

July

Late sun slanted into the kitchen of Wind Tor House. As the meat hooks on the ceiling cast growing curves and girls spoke in a babble, Cecilia remembered her father at the same table, Dora stirring at the Aga with Barnaby in one arm, brothers plucking instruments, lodgers passing, while she herself remained mute, unstable with the glow of her secret as she was kissed on a loop that seemed to discharge a bolt of electricity inside her.

A recent memory of kissing James Dahl shot through her now. She lost her focus, misheard what Izzie was saying, got up quickly, and brought Ruth a glass of water with a straw. Ari brushed her shoulder as he passed with plates.

‘
Euch
,’ said Izzie, screwing up her nose in melodramatic horror and backing away from the meal Ari placed on the table.

‘Thank you,’ said Romy.

Ruth lay propped on the small sofa that had been dragged into the kitchen, her leg supported by cushions, and ate from a tray while Izzie knelt down and cut her food for her. ‘Makes me feel pukey,’ said Izzie indignantly.

Cecilia smiled in the direction of Ari, who caught her eye and grinned at her, raising one eyebrow. She made a face at him, and he returned it in exaggerated form. Unsteady tiles of sunlight patterned plates, and three girls squabbled lazily as they ate. Cecilia sat back, watching them through the light.

The phone rang from the sitting room.

‘Oh, ignore it,’ she said.

‘No!’ protested Izzie.

Ari pulled a pan from the ring, went out of the room and returned carrying the cordless phone.

This is all I want
, thought Cecilia, and she pressed her fingernails into the edge of the table and sent a jumbled prayer of gratitude to the sky.

‘James Dahl, for you,’ said Ari in slight enquiry, raising his voice above the sound of talking and a knocking at the door.

All I want
. She turned from the sunlight.
Isn’t it?

Acknowledgements

With many thanks to: Louie Banks, Luigi Bonomi, Moray Bowater, Carol Briscoe, Holly Briscoe, Ariel Bruce, Marta Buszewicz, Liz Case, Eleanor Clarke, Mark Cocker, Tina Cotzias, Sarah-Jane Forder, Martha Lane Fox, Peter Grimsdale, Helen Healy, Simon Henson, Erica Jarnes, Clementine Mendelson, Rachel Mendelson, Theodore Mendelson, Victoria Millar, Mary Nightingale, Elaine O’Dwyer, Tinah O’Reilly, Melissa Pimintel, Kate Saunders, Louisa Saunders, Vincenzo Scocchia, Gillian Stern, Sarah Stogdon, Rick Stroud, Oliver Sweeney, Katie Troake, Alison Wilkinson, Ellie Wood; and with much love and gratitude to Charlotte Mendelson.

And most of all, thank you to Alexandra Pringle and Jonny Geller and everyone at Bloomsbury.

A Note on the Author

Joanna Briscoe is the author of
Mothers and Other Lovers
,
Skin
and the highly acclaimed
Sleep With Me
, which was published in ten countries and adapted for ITV Drama by Andrew Davies. She has been a columnist for the
Independent
and the
Guardian
; she is currently a literary critic for the
Guardian
, and has contributed to all the major newspapers and magazines. She lives in London with her family.

By the Same Author

Mothers and Other Lovers

Skin

Sleep With Me

Copyright © 2011 by Joanna Briscoe

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without

written permission from the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles

or reviews. For information address Bloomsbury USA, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10010.

Published by Bloomsbury USA, New York

Every reasonable effort has been made to contact copyright holders of images reproduced in this book,

but if any have been inadvertently overlooked the publishers would be glad to

hear from them and to make good in future editions any errors or omissions brought to their attention.

library of congress cataloging-in-publication data has been applied for.

ISBN: 978-1-60819-483-4 (hardcover)

First published by Bloomsbury USA in 2011

This e-book edition published in 2011

E-book ISBN: 978-1-60819-683-8

www.bloomsburyusa.com