Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (14 page)

“My name is
Solar-Day-Cycle-Transition-Period Twinkle, and this is my
companion, Sharp Conical Object. Say hi, Sharp Conical
Object.”

“Hey,” says Sharp Conical Object,
seeming rather relaxed.

“You all look very peculiar, and I
can't say I've seen you in any of my books... wait,” the pony says,
looking to the side as she recollects her memory. “Could you be...
humans?” She finishes, a bright, excited spark in her eye. DTO is
grinning from both sides.

“Why yes, we are! And just what are
you?”

“I'm a pony, and my friend here is a
dragon!”

“Oh, I see. Well it's very nice to meet
you, little pony and dragon,” DTO says, his voice gradually
increasing in pitch the longer he talks to the cute equine. The
pony smiles upon hearing the kind words, and bows her
head.

“And to you as well. You came out of
the Always-Liberated Woods, right?” Ms. Solar says to the whole
group.

“You mean the forest? Yeah,” DTO
responds, holding himself as the spokesman for the entire
group.

“Wow! We rarely get any visitors from
there! You will have to tell me all about it. Would you, perhaps,
be okay with coming by my home for some tea?”
Solar-Day-Cycle-Transition-Period Twinkle questions to the group.
UDGD and Mr. Honkers shake their head in disapproval the moment DTO
looks over to them to ask. DTO sighs, and turns back to the
pony.

“One moment, please,” DTO says as he
gets up.

“Oh, of course!” she responds with a
courteous nod of the head. DTO steps over to the others.

“Come on, guys, it would be rude,” DTO
goes right out to say. SISY rolls his eyes, holding down a laugh,
and UDGD shakes his head yet again.

“No way. This dumb horse bitch will
only slow us down,” UDGD asserts strongly.

“Yeah. There's no way I'm going to go
into the house of a sissy and drink sissy-te-”

“Pardon me?”
Solar-Day-Cycle-Transition-Period Twinkle asks, interrupting the
men with a soft tone. The five men give her their
attention.

“If food is an issue, I'm sure I can
get one of my good friends, Fuchsia Baked Good, to make us one of
her delicious pies!” Upon hearing the pony say these words, Mr.
Honker's eyes widen in contemplation. Again, delicious food proves
to betray his sense of judgment.

“We'd love to,” the short brown man
says, deciding for the entire group. UDGD grits his teeth with
obvious, skull-cleaving disapproval. After a bit of awesome
hyperventilation, UDGD focuses himself and slowly opens his mouth
as he reaches around to withdraw his axe. The small pony looks at
the large man confusedly, but still with a smile crossing her face.
UDGD stares at Mr. Honkers for a moment, who crosses his arms in
victory. There is a short pause.

“Have something to say, Ultra Dweeb
Gayman Dweeb Dweeb Dweeb?” Mr. Honkers asks, pushing his
name-calling to an entirely-new echelon of irritation. UDGD sighs,
quivers a moment, and returns to a normal stance. He can almost
feel IMRM's breath on his neck, ready to strike at a moment’s
notice.

“No. Let's go,” the Grim Axeman says
with a barely-withstanding scowl. The small equine grins from ear
to ear.

“That's great! This way, please!” she
says with a musical tone as she turns her tail and trots off down
the path. Mr. Honkers quickly “ ‘remounts’ ” IMRM, and the two are
the first to start moving along. DTO, UDGD, and SISY are left with
little choice but to follow.

The five follow the pony and her scaly
cohort down into the large town nestled in the valley, populated by
more of the peculiar and colorful creatures. The Grim Axeman scowls
back every time he is met with a smile from one of the small
horses. His grumpiness continues all the way through the town and
into a small, sissyish house that looks like a stupid tree
Solar-Day-Cycle-Transition-Period Twinkle, ever the polite one,
holds the door for her guests, ushering them in, and closes the
door behind with some weird magic-looking gay purple stuff. UDGD
notes that the magical sparkles or whatever come out of her horn,
like a magician would use a wand or a staff.

“Please, sit wherever you like! Sharp
Conical Object, would you be so kind as to get us some tea?”
Solar-Day-Cycle-Transition-Period Twinkle says to the small, green
and purple lizardesque creature. The lizard gives a dutiful salute
and steps about them collecting the necessities for tea. “One
moment, then,” Solar-Day-Cycle-Transition-Period Twinkle says as
she steps out for a moment, reopening the door with her sparkly
sissy magic. The group is left with the small dragon, finishing his
standard tea-making ritual.

DTO and Mr. Honkers, who both feel
quite comfortable sitting on the floor do so as the others stand at
the ready, expecting some sort of threat to present itself once
their guards are lowered. Sharp Conical Object serves up cups of
daffodil tea to the five of them, two accepting the drink, two
accepting just to be polite, and one refusing a cup in the bluntest
manner imaginable. The Sissy Lizard, after finishing the
distributing of cups, addresses the group with a smile.

“Alrighty, if you need anything else,
just let me know!” He says right before he begins hopping up the
steps leading to the upstairs. UDGD sighs, and crosses his arms as
he watches Mr. Honkers and DTO chug down tea.

“Ya' two best stop bein' sissies n'
come along. Pie won't help us find the – ”

“Sew that anus hole shut, you nerd. I
deserve pie from putting up with you dweebs,” Mr. Honkers
interrupts with the dumbest expression on his face ever since some
stupid dweeb started making dumb expressions in the first place.
UDGD stares at the short, ridiculous man for a moment, and then
looks away, realizing that attempting logic with him is useless.
The five of them sit and stand about in the center of the room
until the purple pony returns with her pink friend. This pink pony
seems incredibly friendly, considering the ecstatic stare she gives
the group the moment she spots them. Upon her back, bouncing up and
down with each trot, is a large, decadent pie, topped with all
sorts of colorful fruits and berries.

“Sorry to keep you waiting!”
Solar-Day-Cycle-Transition-Period Twinkle says as the bouncy
Fuchsia Baked Good places the large pie, able to serve ten men,
right on a table to the side for everyone's enjoyment.

“Wow! Humans are really really real!”
Fuchsia Baked Good exclaims as she walks up to UDGD and gets on her
tiptoes to try and stare him right in the face. UDGD doesn't even
wince, seeing the adorable ponies and their silly pony antics. DTO,
however, is far more susceptible to their sissyish
charms.

“Oh... my Gods. You ponies are the most
precious things ever!” DTO says as he waveringly reaches out a hand
and pets the mane of Fuchsia Baked Good, who giggles in delight
from the complement. UDGD scoffs.

“Thanks! But my friend Butterfly
Bashful has some really cute animals too! If you think we're cute,
you should see them!” Fuchsia Baked Good suggests with a jovial
scuff of the hoof across the floor. DTO falls on his knees,
groveling at the unbelievable adorabalosity he is witnessing, and
seriously considers giving up revenge and instead becoming a
citizen of this wonderful, adorable sissy town.

UDGD just rolls his eyes, meeting them
with SISY, who silently agrees. SISY considers himself pretty slack
when it comes to judging other men's manliness, but there is no way
that this could be manly – not at all.

“Well, help yourself! I already ate, so
I'll just sit back and ask questions if that's okay with you,”
Solar-Day-Cycle-Transition-Period Twinkle says as she lays her
small rump on the ground and watches the humans with a
smile.

UDGD and SISY are the only ones who
seem discomforted by the great interest that the ponies have in
them. Their imaginations begin to run away. UDGD, watching Mr.
Honkers smash his face into the pie with pathetic excitement,
wonders if it’s poisoned. UDGD smirks just barely, finding the
mental image of Mr. Honkers spewing out his insides and falling on
the floor dead quite pleasing. SISY, on the other hand, wonders if
the pie is not rigged with a magic bomb, ready to explode in the
stomach of its consumer. SISY also smiles, wondering how satisfying
it would be to see Mr. Honker's stomach explode; the force tearing
his torso in two seems like such an amusing image. Very quietly, a
snicker escapes the corner of SISY's mouth.

Regardless of their imaginings, neither
event comes to pass, and Mr. Honkers fills himself up on the entire
pie in a matter of seconds, not allowing the others to have even a
bite. This is not much of a problem though, as the only other
person wanting pie, DTO, was too busy talking to
Solar-Day-Cycle-Transition-Period Twinkle about life in the village
of ponies and magical things.

“Wow! That was fast! You must be a
really good eater!” Fuchsia Baked Good says to Mr. Honkers, who
lifts his pie-covered face from the dish.

“Why yes, I am quite a good eater.
Aren't I?” he says with a self-absorbed grin across his stupid
cherry preserves-covered face. Fuchsia Baked Good and Mr. Honkers
engage in quite the riveting conversation about how great Mr.
Honkers is, and UDGD, realizing how lame and unmanly this situation
is, turns his head to look instead out of the library windows. This
is about the same time IMRM reaches into his long cloak. UDGD sees,
and IMRM detects, a large, manly figure approaching the front door.
UDGD rolls his eyes, completely unsure in how to judge the
situation, and turns to Solar-Day-Cycle-Transition-Period
Twinkle.

“Hey,” UDGD begins.

“Yes?”
Solar-Day-Cycle-Transition-Period Twinkle responds with a
courteous, polite smile.

“Who's that creepy guy out the
window?”

“Oh, that's our Overlord. He's the
ruler of all of Horsestria, and I'm his number one
student!”

“Great, so why's he coming
here?”

“Oh, he told me that I should tell him
whenever something comes out of the forest. I think he wants to
talk to you,” Solar-Day-Cycle-Transition-Period Twinkle says with a
smile, completely unaware of the Overlord's intentions. The others
in the group heard this conversation, and slowly make the
transition from feelings of joy, annoyance, and awe, to the
sobering loss of breath one has, generally before engaging in a
fight. The five men get to their feet, and prepare to fight.
Solar-Day-Cycle-Transition-Period Twinkle stares at them with a
look of confusion, wondering why they are acting so paranoid, and
decides she can ask about it later.

In the next few seconds of waiting,
Solar-Day-Cycle-Transition-Period Twinkle, Fuchsia Baked Good, and
Sharp Conical Object all feel the strong sensation of tiredness.
One by one, they all fall flat on the ground, each in their own
deep, dream-filled slumber.

“I told you,” UDGD says to Mr. Honkers,
who simply puffs in response. A few seconds more pass, and suddenly
the warriors themselves also begin to feel tired.

“W-what's happening?” DTO says out
loud, as his knees begin to tremble under the unknown force of
sleep.

“Some kind of... sissy magic,” UDGD
says, standing his ground rather solidly in comparison to Mr.
Honkers and DTO, who have both just fallen over. Next falls SISY,
his smile for battle slowly fading. UDGD does his best to stay
strong, but the desire to sleep is too great. He removes his left
gauntlet and sinks his teeth into his hand, drawing blood. This
works for a few seconds, but even after inflicting himself with a
wound, the urge to rest proves to be superior to even his manly
self-destruction. A good fifteen seconds later than the other
three, UDGD falls, too, the floor, and his eyes shut by the power
by (of) the Overlord right outside the house. IMRM, standing
resolutely, watches UDGD drift away. The Tall Enigma IMRM takes in
the refreshing absence of human speech for half a minute afterward,
until a voice comes from the other side of the carved wooden door,
featuring whimsical designs of fairies and flowers.

“Well, damn. You must be a serious
hard-ass to not be susceptible to my sleep magic,” the voice says,
sounding like a fist traveling straight into a face, says with a
half-impressed tone. IMRM stares at the door a moment, and then
answers it.

“I suppose that depends on your
definition of what a 'hard-ass' is,” IMRM responds, not really
being one to think up good comebacks. The Overlord scoffs, and
kicks open the door.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: I FEEL AS THOUGH YOU
WILL REGRET SUCH AN ACTION (AKA: INSANELY MASCULINE ROBOT MAN
DECIDES TO BE SLIGHTLY BADASS FOR THE SAKE OF CAUSING THE OUTCOME
MOST BENEFICIAL TO MISSION-BASED INTERESTS RELATIVE TO HIS PRESENT
COMPANY)

The Overlord, upon entry, causes the
Subspace Orchestra to fire up again, but this time with sweet
rifting keyboards and an awesome synth-techno melody. This lets
both combatants know that this fight is likely going to be a big
deal, because they are both sufficiently good fighters.

The figure walks into the small house
meant for his minuscule minions, and looks over the various humans.
In the same moment, IMRM looks over his enemy.

Tall, terrifying, and quite naked, this
Overlord's iron gaze now locks securely on IMRM, who notes the
Overlord's most striking feature – his head is that of a
velociraptor's.