Wyne and Dine (Citizen Soldier Series Book 1) (21 page)

W
ednesday evening, Lea
parked her car at the lodge and got out to head to the residence wing for a
good-bye dinner the Wynes insisted on throwing for her. She loved them dearly,
and wanted to say her good-byes to them, but Ben would be there, and she hadn’t
talked to him since he walked—no ran—out of his own cabin Sunday morning, after
giving her the most incredible night of her life.

He’d been sexy, and charming, and
he’d shown her his heart. Several times that night. In several ways. She’d seen
it in his eyes. Felt it in his touch. Heard it in his voice. The night had been
magic. But apparently, he’d missed all of it because he sure as hell hadn’t
expected to see her heart.

She was in idiot.

Why couldn’t she have remembered to
not show her feelings?

Oh, right, that would be because
she’d been overloaded with mindboggling orgasm after orgasm the night before
and had no damn brain cells left. That’s why.

Idiot
.

She was definitely angrier with
herself than him. The guy was emotionally dysfunctional going into the
liaison
thing they had. She’d known that about him, right from the start. He’d reminded
her, too.

On Monday, he’d shown up at the
restaurant, his gaze all haunted and remorseful. But there had been a bus rush
at the time, and he’d left before business had calmed down.   

Lea blew out a breath as she walked
through the lobby. This was on her…this mess. She’d fallen in love with a man,
a good man, but a man who didn’t know how to love back. His heart and emotions
were wrapped tight under so many layers of lock and keys, it’d never see the light
of day. At least, not for her.

She wasn’t the right fit.

God, she wished she was.

But her key didn’t work.

Since she considered the Wynes
family, and had no intention of avoiding them when she returned to the area for
visits, Lea was determined to salvage whatever she could with Ben. She set her
shoulders, walked straight to the residence wing door and typed the code for
admittance.

“Hello,” she called out, surprised
to find the area quiet as she walked down the hall toward the kitchen and
family room.

Had she gotten the day and time
wrong? 

As she rounded the corner, her
breath caught. “Ben.”

“Hey,” he said, leaning his long
frame up against the counter, arms crossed over his chest as if he’d been
waiting for someone.

“Am I here on the wrong day?”

He shook his head. “No. I asked
everyone if I could have some time alone with you. They’re all at Timbers
waiting in the back room for us.”

Her heart slammed into her throat.
Time alone with Ben…why? Hope wanted to take flight, but Lea had learned years
ago never to give it premature wings.

“Okay,” she said cautiously as she
chose a spot across the room from him and adopted his stance against the
cabinet. “What did you want?”

“To apologize for being the biggest
ass in town.”

Her lips quivered, wanting desperately
to smile, but this was serious, and he had stuff to get off his chest.

“I’m really sorry for running out
on you. I don’t have an excuse other than I panicked. It felt like something
was choking me. I had to get out. That’s all I knew.”

God
, she made him feel that
awful? “I’m sorry my feelings for you have caused you distress, Ben.”

He blew out a breath. “Lea…don’t.”

“Don’t what, Ben? Feel? I told
you.” Several times now. “Too late. You knew I had feelings for you way before
we started having sex.”

“I never wanted you to get hurt.”

She sighed. “You were upfront with
me. Always. I know that as well.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know that, too. And I understand
you panicked, but at least know why you panicked.”

“I was there, remember? I think I
know why.”

“But you don’t, Ben.” She shook her
head. “You think it’s because of my emotions for you. But you’re wrong. It was
because of
your
emotional response to me.”

He opened his mouth, and she could
almost hear the denial on his lips, but he hesitated, just a little, and she
knew she had been right. He hadn’t considered that possibility. But now he
could.

“So, if you’re ever naked, laying
out on your back swing wrapped in a blanket with a naked girl, at least know
why you’re about to panic,” she said.

His lips twitched into a smile.
“Yes, ma’am. So, what do we do now?”

“That depends,” she said, eyeing
him close.

“On what?”

“On whether or not you want to
continue to have sex.”

He swallowed, clearly not expecting
that.

“I’m moving to the city in two
days, but I’ll be coming in on weekends, every once in awhile, and I would like
to continue to see you.”

He clenched his jaw and inhaled,
heat and regret and need all mixing to darken his gaze before he blew out a
breath and shook his head. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Can I ask why?” Yea, why was he
breaking her heart?

“Because I’d end up hurting you,
and I don’t want to do that, Lea. You deserve someone who can give you what I
can’t.”

She wanted to grab him by the
shoulders and shout,
you
are what I deserve.
You
are what I want.
You
are already hurting me. But, she knew he was still a far way from
facing his emotions. Hell, he hadn’t even acknowledged them yet.

“Okay, so, what do we do now?” she
asked, throwing his earlier question out there again.

“How about we go to your going away
party as friends?” he asked, holding out his hand.

Reaching for his hand, she brought
a smile to her lips. “Deal.”

Definitely not how she wanted to go
to the party, but she had vowed to patch things up with Ben, and if this was
all he was capable of giving, then she would just have to accept things, even
though her chest felt like it had caved in.

 
A
ll day Saturday, Ben
had kept busy, thankful it was drill weekend. He didn’t need to think of Lea.
But her smiles and laughter and sighs constantly flittered through his head. If
he could just figure out how to stop them, then maybe life could get back to
normal. Back to the way it was before…sex with Lea.

That was how he labeled things in
his head, now. Before sex with Lea, and after sex with Lea. The latter made him
sweat just thinking about the things they’d do after sex.

Swallowing a curse, he yanked the
door closed on the equipment cage on the drill floor when he turned around and
nearly ran into both of his brothers. With their military haircuts, uniforms
and dark eyes, they could’ve passed for twins, except Mason had a good inch on
Keiffer’s six foot frame.

“What’s up, girls?” Ben asked,
already finding the conversation old.

“You tell us.”

Grumbling, he pivoted around and
marched across the drill floor. The soldiers had been dismissed twenty minutes
ago, and the armory had pretty much cleared out. He removed his hat and ran a
hand over his head. It had been a long day, and tomorrow they would all be back
to do it again. The last thing he needed was prying from the peanut gallery
following close behind him.

“We’re just wondering how long
you’re going to go around with your head up your ass.”

“Nice,” he muttered. Keiffer sure
had a way with words. “As long as it takes.” He shoved the hat back on and
shook his head as he bounded up the stairs, taking them two at a time. The
sound of boots clapping off the steps behind him echoed in the stairway as he
headed to his third floor office.

Damn, they still followed.

 “As long as it takes for what?”
Mason asked.

He yanked the door open and glanced
over his shoulder. “For both of you to get off my damn case.”

Keiffer nudged Mason. “Yep, he’s
got it bad.”

“And still doesn’t know it.”

“What are you talking about?” he
asked, opening his office door.

“Your feelings for Lea.”

Ah hell
. “Are you back to
that again?”

“Yes,” Keiffer replied, dropping
down in a chair in front of Ben’s desk. “Until you admit it, until you look
deep down inside that buried heart of yours and realize you’re in love with the
woman, then we’re going to keep going back to that again.”

In love?

Hell no.

He wouldn’t be stupid enough to do
that. The burning pain in his chest was just anxiety from everyone wanting him
to feel. He twisted around and stared both his brothers down. “What kind of
bullshit are you spouting now?”

“It’s not bullshit,” Mason said
quietly as he shut the door and leaned against it, as if to make sure he didn’t
bolt from the office. “It’s the truth. For someone who hates liars, you’re
becoming very good at it.”

“Yea.” Keiffer nodded. “Can you
honestly look back on all the time you spent with Lea and say with utter
certainty that you have no feelings for her?”

As much as Ben wanted to say
yes
so damn bad, he couldn’t. It would’ve been a lie. He’d had feelings for her
since he was a teenager. She’d been a good friend, not only to Brandi, but to
him, too.

She’d been there when he’d had
issues with his mother leaving for New York. There when Brandi’s mother had
died. When Gwen had left him. Standing vigil with him that terrible September,
while he waited all day, all night and all day at the bus station parking lot
for his friend to return. There when he didn’t.

There when he’d returned from
Ground Zero two weeks later, numb. Broken. Hardened.

Lea was a rock. His support.

She was his anchor.

He walked over to the window and
stretched an arm out to lean against the frame as he stared down across the
street at Gabe’s. Customers came and went. A waitress in a blue apron weaved
around the tables, but it wasn’t Lea.

His heart sank. Would never be her
again.

She was gone.

If he thought the pain in his chest
had been bad before, this was worse. This was much worse. Tight, unrelenting.
Suffocating. He sank down into the nearest chair and blew out a breath.

Lea had always been there with a
ready smile. She was always first to volunteer when someone needed help.
Working side by side, filling sand bags during the flood of ’06. If it wasn’t
sand bags, she was feeding the troops. Lea was everywhere in his life.

She was his life.

Ben began to shake. He didn’t want
to feel. He wanted to run, to turn it off, but it was too damn late. The
floodgates had opened and all the emotion he’d buried behind the dam burst free
and washed through his system unchecked.

“Here.” Mason shoved a cold drink
in his hand. “You look like you could use it.”

Keiffer cupped his shoulder and
held tight. “Yeah. You look like you just got a clue.”

He nodded, cracked open the soda
and tossed back half the can. Yeah, he got a clue. Several days too late, but
he finally got a clue. He set the cola on his desk and slumped back in the
chair.

Son-of-a-bitch
. His brothers
were right.

He
was
in love with Lea
Gablonski. And he let her leave without telling her.

“So, what are you going to do about
it?” Mason asked.

He shrugged. “Nothing.”

“What do you mean, nothing?”
Keiffer frowned next to him.

He stared hard at his brother. “She
lives in New York now.”

“So? You love her, you go after
her,” Keiffer said, incredulous look on his face.

Ben shot from his chair and began
to pace. “It’s not that simple.”

“Sure it is.”

“No, it’s not.” He twisted around
to stare down at his brother. “Didn’t you hear me, she’s in the city. I don’t
go there, remember?”

His youngest brother rose to his
feet and leveled a serious gaze on him. “Maybe you should. It’s been a long
damn time, Ben. You used to love the city.”

Yeah, before all hell broke loose.
Before good people died. Before lives were torn apart. Before the carnage…

He needed air. He strode to the
window, grasped the pane and yanked it open. That didn’t help. He pulled at his
collar. His chest was so goddamn tight.

Two strong hands clamped around his
shoulders and held him still. “It’s okay, Ben. You’re okay. Breathe. Look at
me.”

He blinked, and Mason’s concerned
brown gaze came into focus.

Yeah, there was no way he’d be
visiting the city anytime soon.

B
y three o’clock
Saturday afternoon, Lea was already settled into Gwen’s place. She hadn’t
packed too much, so there wasn’t much to unpack. Just some clothes, her laptop
and of course, some books.

And three photos. One of her and
Brandi at the wedding. One of her and her brother, sister and father at the
wedding. And one of her and Ben her sneaky sister had taken of the two of them
dancing to a slow song. She remembered the exact moment. Could hear the Joe
Nichols song. Feel Ben’s strong arms around her. Feel his heart beating strong
and steady under her palm. See the affection in his gaze, the affection the
poor guy never knew he’d revealed. It warmed her, even now, with them in
different states. Living different lives.

She swallowed past her tight
throat, and swiped away the tears. Dammit. She said she wasn’t going to cry
anymore.

Her phone buzzed with a text
message from Brandi.

Skype?

Okay
, she texted back, then
wiped her face again before walking over to open her laptop. She inhaled then
blew out the breath as she sat down and answered the call.

“Surprise!”

“Congratulations!”

Horns blew, confetti fell into view
as her five friends from Harland County filled her screen.

Lea laughed, her heart warmed by
their thoughtfulness. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Of course we
weren’t going to miss congratulating you on this momentous occasion. I’m sorry
I’m not there, hun,” Brandi said, gaze filled with emotion. “You’ve wanted this
forever. I’m so proud of you. You went out and got it. You
got
it.”

Now her eyes were filling with
emotions. “Yes, I did.”

She swiped at the tears. But they
weren’t happy tears. They were miss him tears.
Dammit
. She’d wanted Ben
forever, and she tried to get him. She really did, and at one point, God, she
almost had him. She knew it. She’d felt it, but…his walls were too strong.
Impenetrable. And she’d failed.

She had her dream job, but not her
dream man. Ecstatic over one, and devastated over the other. It left her a
mixed up mess.

She sniffed.

“Oh boy. I know that sniff,” Jordan
said.

Kerri nodded. “Me, too.”

“I know that look,” Shayla
exclaimed.

“Yeah, been there.” Even Caitlin
chimed in.

Brandi moved closer to the screen.
“What has my brother done now?”

“Nothing. It’s all me. I was the
dumb one. I fell in love when I knew it was a bad idea. But I couldn’t help it.
I did it anyway.”

“You’re human.”

She nodded.

“Does he know how you feel?” Brandi
asked.

A small snort escaped her. “Yeah,
I’m pretty sure he’d seen it in my eyes the morning he panicked and left me
naked.”

Kerri shook her head. “Men.”

“Yeah, typical,” Jordan said, as
the girls all murmured their agreement.

“So, what now?”

“Nothing.” She shrugged. “I start
work on Monday. My life is here now. I’ll stay here and love my job and be
miserable without him. It wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t care about me. If it
had just been sex for him. But it wasn’t. I saw actual emotion in his eyes,
Brandi. He does care about me.”

“Of course he does, hun. I saw the
way he looked at you, too. When he thought no one was looking and his guard was
down. My idiot brother is in love with you. Maybe this absence will force him
to admit it.”

God, she hoped so.

“It will. It worked for Cole,
although, I have to warn you, Lea, men can be stubborn,” the somber sheriff
said. “It took my husband several months, so don’t give up on Ben. Just because
he doesn’t come around the first few weeks, doesn’t mean he won’t.”

Hope did that little flicker
flutter thing, and she found she could breathe again.

“Okay. Thanks.” She sniffed and
wiped her face. “Now, how ‘bout we get to celebrating?”

The girls cheered, blew horns and
tossed more confetti, and Lea did her best to push her sadness aside and focus
on the positive. On her achieved goal. After all these years, she was finally
working in a museum in New York City.

Yes, that was definitely something
to celebrate.

She just wished her mother was
there to help celebrate.

That Ben was there for her to share
her achievement.

Neither were possible.

B
y the middle of
November, Ben was miserable. He was going through Lea withdrawals. His body
even shook at times. It was pathetic. So was the fact he was sitting on his
back porch swing, just to be close to the memories. Just to be close to her.

Yeah, pathetic.

Two weeks had gone by and still no
Lea. She hadn’t come home on the weekends. And he needed her to come home
because he couldn’t go
there,
damn it. And he couldn’t breathe or get
warm. Something was missing inside him. So much was missing.

He hated being weak. But he broke
out in a cold sweat every time he considered getting on a bus to go to her in
the city. And he didn’t even know if she wanted to see him. He’d been an ass.
Didn’t really deserve any kind of a second chance with her.

But, hell…he wanted one.

Of course, he had no idea what he
could possibly offer her. It was all new to him. He had no damn clue how to be
in a relationship, then he realized, they’d been in one all along. It had
never, ever really been just sex with them, no matter how much he’d try to sell
that to himself. His heart had been involved from the get go.

Then it hit him. The familiar
warning of an impending feeling. It started at the back of his head and tingle
down his neck to spread out in his shoulder blades and chest. Then the
heaviness appeared. He didn’t breath. Didn’t move. He let the feeling wash over
him to get a sense of who was in trouble.

He got flashes of the city. Museum.
Buses. Kids...

Lea
.

Ben was on his feet, phone in hand
as he made his way inside the cabin and dialed her number.

Straight to voicemail.

“Damn it.”

He began to pace, his chest
tightening to unbearable whenever he glanced at his keys on the hook. His head
was pounding, ears ringing, and he broke out in a cold sweat.

“Get-it-the-fuck-together,” he said
between clenched teeth.

Then another feeling hit him.

The museum. Kids. Buses. Lea.

Goddammit
, that told him
nothing.

He sucked in a deep breath and
glanced around his kitchen. The memory of Lea still haunted him. Her smile, the
heat in her gaze when she’d told him he was hot. The way her breasts bounced
when she’d ripped off her shirt and bra and stood in just her jeans. The light
and affection warming her eyes as she gazed at him on the swing.

He glanced around the empty cabin,
feeling just as empty. Nothing new. In fact, most of his life had been empty.
His doing. He’d held people at bay. Sought out a warm body when the emptiness
became too much. Then he’d retreat back to his solitary existence…and existed.

Until Lea.

She’d always sneak in past his
defenses with a smile, or laugh, or touch, never asking or demanding. Just
giving.

And now she was in trouble. He had
to go.

Lea needs me.

Those three words cut through the
haze fogging his mind and the ringing subsided in his head. His vision cleared.

He could breath.

Swiping his keys of the rack, Ben
said a silent pray he wasn’t too late and rushed out the door.

This time, he was going to be there
for her.