Worth The Fight (Hard To Love Book 1) (6 page)

“Fuck you. You had your own opportunity to get some action last night, it’s not my fault that you’re too fucking stuck up to get your dick wet.” I should feel bad about the way I made him feel last night, but the anger is taking over and I can’t hold my tongue. If I thought he looked ready to hit me before I had definitely underestimated him. I can now feel the anger vibrating off him and I actually brace myself ready for him to attack. Just as I'm sure he is about to floor me, a voice echoes through the gym from behind us, saving me from having to defend myself.

“Hey, sexy.” Asha’s voice breaks the tension between me and Bryce, making him back away from me slightly. His eyes never leave mine, the dark anger still clear in them.

“Get in the ring and ready to fight.” With those words he walks away from me. I let him go this time, it’s probably better to let him cool off before we fight.

After getting gloved up I enter the ring, closely watching a pacing Bryce. He looks dangerous in here, and it doesn’t look like he has lost any of his anger. I notice he isn’t wearing his own gloves and instantly want to remove mine but I know I can’t. I usually train with just wraps, but I've been ordered to wear training gloves until my hand is strong again. I hate it, it takes the thrill out of the hit. I have a distant thought that this fight might become more real than our usual sparring, and I want to feel my hand connect with Bryce’s skin without the protection of the gloves.

“I want you to show me what you can do. No holding back, I can take anything you can give me so do your worst.” That’s all he says before holding his fists out. I bump them before my eyes move quickly over to Asha who is standing to the side watching us. A thump to my head brings my attention back to the guy in front of me. He probably thinks I was looking at Asha to flirt with her, to make sure she was watching me, but I was actually trying to silently tell her to leave. I don’t think this fight is going to end well and I don’t need her running back to tell the other guys what happened here.

I bring my hands up in front of my face, protecting myself until I see how he fights. I don’t want to make the first move, but apparently that doesn’t bother Bryce who kicks out and catches me in the ribs. It doesn’t hurt but there is enough power behind it for me to realize that he isn’t playing. He bounces away from me, making sure I can’t retaliate. I watch the way his body moves, trying to predict what he’s about to do from the way his muscles move. I'm getting frustrated as I realize that he hides his movements well and his muscles don’t contract until the second he lashes out. I'm still trying to watch him when his fist comes out and catches me on the side of my head. He’s pissing me off and I think that’s his plan, he wants to get me angry so I lose my concentration and it’s fucking working. I throw my first punch but he easily avoids it and I end up chasing him. It’s time to take control of this fight.

I fake moving left and Bryce’s stance changes just enough for me to take advantage. I throw a right hook and catch him on the shoulder, knocking him off balance. As he tries to right his body I put my shoulder down and barge into his chest, taking him to the mat. His arm instantly comes out, wrapping around my neck to try and roll my body off. His power is immense and I wonder for a second why he doesn’t still fight. I feel his arm tighten around my neck and I know I need to get out of the choke hold quickly. As I fight to get my arm in between his, his legs wrap around my waist and I know that I'm losing my advantage very quickly. Bryce rolls to the side and I have no option but to move with him, putting my body under his. His legs lose their hold and he moves his arm from around my neck to lean his elbow onto my throat.

He looks down at me and a shiver runs through my body. Feeling his chest on mine, skin to skin, is like a burning heat. My breathing becomes labored and I know it’s not from the exertion of our activity, it’s from the hot man that’s lying on top of me. I feel the pressure of his arm slacken and use the freedom to gain the upper hand. I buck my hips and turn, reversing our position so I'm lying on top of him. This seemed like a good idea but now I'm lying on top of Bryce between his legs. I can feel my cock harden before my brain has a chance to register how we’re positioned. Bryce’s eyes widen and I know he can feel how hard I am. I need to get out of here now. I push up from his body as quickly as I can, grabbing Asha as I leave the ring to hit the showers. I need to work out this frustration and she will be the perfect way to do it.

I listen to the sound of his retreating feet as I continue to lie on the floor of the ring. I'm not sure what just went on but I do know that it shouldn’t have happened. I let my anger get the better of me and I can’t do that if I want to keep my job. I couldn’t help myself though, when he walked in late, acting like he didn’t have a worry in the world, it pissed me off. I had no intention of actually making him run as punishment for being late, but when he challenged me I knew I couldn’t back down. He’s the type of guy that if you give in once then you’ll lose all control, and he will never listen to anything you say ever again. I should’ve stopped with the running machine and not let what happened last night bother me but no, I had to go and open my big mouth. I was just so pissed that he acted as though last night wasn’t a big deal and that he had been perfectly sober. If he’d been drunk I think I could have accepted that he’d acted like an arse, but if he was as sober as he's making out then he's just a dickhead.

I run my hands down my face, not wanting to get up from my spot in the ring. I just want the ground to open up and swallow me, that way I wouldn’t have to try and work out what just happened between us. I swear I was just trying to assess his skill level and see how his technique has held up during his injury. Well that’s what I'm trying to convince myself now. Truthfully, I wanted to kick his arse and make sure that it hurt just a little. I let out a groan and sit up, feeling the muscles in my stomach pull in protest. My workout before Zeke arrived had clearly showed that my core is weakening so I need to work harder, make sure I get back to peak fitness. Maybe a fight with a top ranking MMA fighter wasn’t the smartest move. Especially when I'm apparently insanely attracted to the guy. Being in the ring with Zeke today taught me one very important thing, if I want to keep my sanity intact I can’t touch him. The first few punches were fine, but when he barged me and we fell to the floor, the feel of his whole body against mine made me feel like I was going to pass out. His body touching mine was like receiving an intense electric shock and I couldn’t help my dick’s reaction to it. Thankfully the way he was lying on me hid the fact that I was as hard as stone. I fought so hard against his hold in fear of him feeling my erection and firing me on the spot.

I stand and stretch my body out before exiting the ring. I look around wondering where the girl that had caught Zeke’s eye when she arrived, had gone. I initially thought that he was going to put on a show for her, try to impress her with his moves but now I'm not so sure. He seemed as intent as I was to do harm, to win the fight at any cost and show me he was the strongest.

My mind goes back to when he was on top of me, the memory that will be with me the rest of my life, and I realize a very important fact. Zeke had felt like he was hard and struggling with an inappropriate erection like I was. I shake my head, convinced that I got it wrong.
I mean why the hell would he get hard when he was tangled with me?
Was it knowing the woman was watching or was it something else? Was he feeling the same spark as I was?
Shit
. I could think about this for hours but the obvious reason would still be that being the centre of attention turns him on, especially if the voyeur is a woman.

I sigh to myself as I make my way to the changing room, hoping that he’s already left. I curse silently when I hear the shower running, I guess this is my day for bad luck. I take a deep breath and prepare myself to be ignored, the reality of what I find is very different. The woman who had been watching us fight is now pressed against the half wall in between the showers, her hands griping the towel rail on the other side. She's moaning loudly and the reason for that is the sexy as fuck naked man who’s pounding into her from behind. My eyes track slowly up over Zeke’s body, watching how his muscles move as he thrusts into her. His arms tighten as he holds onto her hips, keeping her in place.

Eventually I reach his face and see that he's staring right at me. As hard as I try, I can’t look away, it’s like his eyes are like glue, forcing me to stay locked in his stare. There is a heat in his gaze that I want to explore, but the major problem with that is where his dick is. It’s inside a woman, not me, not another guy. It’s pretty obvious that he likes pussy and I should walk away from this scene, but it’s like when you see a car crash. You know it’s going to be messy but you just can’t seem to pull your eyes away from what’s happening. I can hear him groaning from across the room and the sound is causing my softening dick to harden, pushing against the front of my shorts in a very obvious way. This is starting to be a constant problem around him, but this time it’s even worse. I want to look away but also I want to look down and see if I can get a glimpse of what he's packing, see what’s making the girl moan so much. I can’t though, I just keep staring into his eyes.

There’s a sheen of sweat over his forehead and his pace quickens. His breathing changes and the muscles in his neck stick out, tightening as his rhythm falters. He’s getting close, and I know I can’t watch him come, it’ll be too much for me. But still I stand here, watching him move. I lick my lips and his eyes slowly move lower to stare at my mouth, causing my breath to catch in my throat. After what feels like a month, his eyes move back to mine as he lets out a groan and comes inside her. I’m actually panting as I watch his eyes darken in pleasure and his body shudders as release works though him. The muscles in his arms tighten as he grips onto her hips, his nipples hardening and making me want to feel them with my tongue. I can feel my balls pull up into my body, the telltale tingle down my spine tells me that I'm close to coming. I groan as I watch and I pray that the woman is making enough noise to cover it. I reach down and grab myself in an attempt to stop what I know is about to happen but I’m too late. I release into my shorts like a twelve-year-old boy who can’t control his body. I open my eyes, not realizing I had closed them. I try not to look at Zeke, but my eyes are drawn to him like a magnet. He's standing in the same spot, still inside of the women, but his eyes are on my, a look of lust on his face that can’t be mistaken. I look away, not ready to deal with this and what it means. Training is over and I will decide later what is going to happen tomorrow.

****

My feet pound the ground as I pick up my speed again, trying to outrun my thoughts. I turn up the music, trying to focus on that and not the thoughts that have been running through my head since the shower incident. I’d hoped that going for a run would clear my head and I would be able to make some sense of what happened earlier.

After coming in my pants like a teenage boy I left the gym, not even waiting long enough to clean up. I needed to get out before I embarrassed myself even more. It would take a lot for something to be more embarrassing, maybe if I was naked in public? Actually I think I would rather be naked in public than making a mess of my shorts while watching my boss fuck a woman. I hear my groan over the music as the memory assaults my brain. I pick up my pace yet again and concentrate on the burn in my muscles. I know I won’t last long at this speed but exhaustion might just be what I need. I turn along the path that leads down towards the lake. I’ve run here before, finding the peaceful route by accident one day I got lost. The quietness appealed to me but today it’s my enemy. There are no distractions, nothing to pull me out of my head.

My lungs start to burn, making it hard to catch my breath and I know I need to stop, but I don’t. Instead I push myself a little further and a little harder. When I hit the softer dirt next to the lake I slow my pace down to a walk, trying to catch my breath before I pass out. I’ve pushed my body today and I'm surprised it hasn’t given out on me yet. I’ve done more today than I have in the last few months, and I know when I get up tomorrow I'm going to be in a lot of pain. Pain I can do though, pain I understand. I bend over and put my hands on my knees, taking deep breaths as a set of memories flood my mind.
Not now, I have enough shit on my plate without going back there
. It’s no good though, I’ve never been able to control the feelings that are caused by the memory of Austin. A pained sob leaves my body as my legs give out and I collapse to the ground. I grab at the dirt as I try to get control of myself. Eighteen months and it still hurts as much as it did that day. Pain rips through my heart and I feel myself struggling to breathe. I force myself to breathe through the heartache just like my therapist told me to. Once I feel like I have a little control I sit back on my knees and look out over the lake, letting the calmness of the water settle my frayed nerves. I breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth, letting my lungs fill with cleansing oxygen and exhaling the pain. I repeat the process, concentrating on the water and nothing else.

I lean against the tree that I collapsed next to, lifting my head towards the sun. I close my eyes and let the heat flow through my body. It was warm day like this when my life changed forever.

I’d been dating Austin for nearly a year and he was my everything. We were getting ready to spend the night in the best hotel we could afford, just the two of us. We lived with another four guys in a large house close to our collage, it wasn’t the most amazing place but it was cheap and had enough room for us all. Privacy was always an issue though and we never really got any time to ourselves, so tonight was going to be our chance. An entire night with just us and room service. There’s only one thing I need to do before we drive the twenty miles to the hotel. I need to win the money to pay for it. I’ve been fighting for about eight months, not legal fights, more the underground variety, and I’m good. Actually I’m better than good, and I’m hoping all the experience would get me into the official leagues. All I need is for someone to spot me and give me a chance.

We’ve been watching the fights before mine, so the night goes quickly and before we know it it’s my fight next. It feels like any other night and I know I’m going home a winner. Just before entering the ring I pull Austin to me and kiss him passionately, letting him know that tonight is going to be one to remember.

“Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be done in a few and then you’re all mine, baby. I can’t wait to get you alone, I'm gonna make you scream my name tonight.” I feel his chest shake against mine as he laughs and I can’t help but smile. He’s the most perfect man I’ve ever met. I lean in and claim his lips again as my name is shouted over the speakers.

“I love you.”
Little did I know that those would be the last words I would ever speak to him.

I’m winning my fight after quickly gaining the upper hand against my opponent. I look over to where Austin is standing and I see someone shouting in his face. I stop instantly to try and work out what’s happening but it quickly becomes chaos. One minute they’re standing shouting at each other and the next the guy punches Austin and knocks him to the ground. I hear screaming but it’s only afterwards that I realize the sound has come from me. I try to move but my opponent decides that this is his time to gain some ground. I watch in horror as the man who punched Austin starts kicking his body. I turn and push the fighter away, needing to get out of the ring. I finally get out, but I’m met with a group of the attacker’s friends who push me back.

“Fucking queer.” I hear them say, and I instantly know what this is about, they saw me kiss Austin. I keep forgetting that the world is filled with hate and that we can’t be open about our relationship like other people. I can’t believe I forgot my head and kissed him here, in front of everyone.
I push against them but they refuse to let me past. Fists fly and I don’t even know if I’m hitting anyone in my desperation to get to Austin. I know that I feel an explosion of pain in my face at some point and can feel blood dripping from my mouth but I still can’t get to him. Time slows as I see his attacker pull his leg back. I push with all my might in another attempt to get to him, but I hear the crunch of the guy’s foot connecting with Austin’s face even above all the noise. Austin’s head flies back and the people directly surrounding him are covered in his blood as it explodes from his face. All feeling leaves my body and I crumble to my knees, the hands that have been holding me back suddenly vanishing.

“No, no, no, no!” The words come out automatically as I crawl across the dirty floor towards Austin. The crowd thins as people realize what’s happened and don’t want to get involved. I should be angry with them, screaming at them for not helping but all I can think is it just makes it easier for me to get to him. I don’t even look to see where his attackers are, I know they won’t hang around and I don’t care. I just need to get to Austin. I pick him up gently and place his head on my outstretched legs, cradling him against me. I look down and I don’t recognise his face, blood and swelling covering everything that makes him mine. I can see droplets falling onto his face and that’s when I realize I’m crying. I can’t see his chest moving and I’m too scared to check to see if he’s breathing. I just need to hold him and not let him go. I’m still sitting holding him fifteen minutes later when the ambulance arrives, but I know he’s already gone.

I reach up and brush the tears from my cheek. One day I will be able to remember Austin without that memory ripping my heart out. I want to remember the good times, like how it felt to be wrapped in his arms and how his laughter made my heart fill with love. Those are the memories that I need to hold on to but they get always get shoved to the side by the last time I held him, his blood covering both our bodies. I let out a deep breath and pick up a handful of little stones before throwing them into the lake. I watch the water rippling out from where the stones disappeared under the surface. It’s peaceful watching, to see that something as small and insignificant as a pebble can change something as big as a lake. That’s what Austin did, he was such a small part of my life but he changed everything and I wasn’t the same after he was gone.