Wolf Women (The Madison Wolves Book 10) (32 page)

"We didn't have a choice," she said again.

"Whatever. Alpha, I will be divorcing my wife, and I am leaving Wisconsin as fast as my car will take me. Don't worry; I won't share your secrets. You'll never hear from me again."

Lara huffed annoyance, but it was Michaela who answered me. "You are going to listen to me. And then you are going to calm down. If you need somewhere to stay for a few days, we will make arrangements."

"Go to hell."

Elisabeth began to growl, but Michaela said, "Enforcer, silence. I am handling this." The wolf immediately grew silent.

"Zoe, she's a human who knows our secrets."

"Fuck," I said. "I'm sorry. Oh god. Portia!"

"She'll be fine," Michaela said. "She's very worried about you, and of course, she hurts badly, too. Do you understand?"

"That woman blackmailed you."

"The threat went unspoken, but it was there."

I thought about it. "A little over a year ago, I came to you and told you I knew, and you held me prisoner for a week, under threat of killing me. I am about as reliable a human as you could meet, and you knew enough about me at the time to know that. She's trash, Michaela. Trash!"

"I know. She said she's sober and clean, but she measures her sobriety in months, not years. But Zoe, we're pretty sure she's taken the sort of measures you didn't. She made a point of mentioning 'papers' she kept with a lawyer, and she mentioned 'insurance'. She wasn't very subtle."

I hugged my knees.

My daughter was with that woman, a woman who would have divulged our secrets if we didn't give Ember to her.

"We could have tried fighting," Michaela said, "just the way you said. But it was Ember's decision, Zoe. It had to be."

"Did you force Ember to go?"

"No, of course not. You heard what she said to you about her dreams."

I nodded.

"I'm so sorry, Zoe. We're all so sorry."

"Yeah." I looked away. "Whatever. Go away. Leave me alone."

She ignored that. Instead, Michaela scooted closer, turning around until she was beside me, leaning against the same tree. She laid her head on my shoulder, and I laid mine against her head. Lara moved closer and sat down on my other side, leaning against me, still in fur. I turned her way, wrapped my arms around her, and began sobbing into her fur.

* * * *

They let me cry myself out. Lara didn't complain about the tears in her fur. Michaela shifted into her own fur for a while, leaning against me that way. I presume she grew chilled and wanted a fur coat to keep her warm.

But finally I straightened. "I'm sorry. You guys don't have to baby sit me. If you can go tell Portia I'm fine."

This time it was Elisabeth who shifted human. "We're not leaving you out here alone, Zoe. We know you can't see a thing, and I bet you can't point to the compound, anyway." She stepped forward and offered a hand. After a moment, I let her pull me to my feet. "Angel," she called out, "be Zoe's eyes."

It was a slow walk back to the compound, back to the house I shared with my now truncated family. My escort led me up the steps. I hesitated, but Lara bounded up beside me and opened the door.

All our doors could be opened by a wolf in fur.

Michaela slipped past me, and then several wolves bumped me along into the house; I was helpless but to go where they nudged.

But as soon as I was inside, I saw Portia standing there. Her face was a mask of anguish.

"Zoe, I'm sorry, there wasn't anything I could do."

"I'm so sorry, Portia," I said. "Will you forgive me?"

She nodded and opened her arms, and I flew to them. Together, we cried, the members of our pack clustered around us, offering their silent comfort.

* * * *

Later, Portia carried me to bed. We held each other, not talking, until finally we slept.

* * * *

In the morning, I refused to climb out of bed. Portia held me for a while, but eventually she had to go. Her duties couldn't be suspended.

I lay in bed for a few more hours, finally rousing myself, but then I moved to Ember's room, stood in the middle of it, and cried.

All her stuff was gone, and I couldn't even tell she had ever lived here.

Elisabeth stopped by a short while later. She was carrying lunch, one bag from Carly's and one bag from a ribs place. I stared at her in the doorway.

I was still in my pajamas.

She pressed past me, pretending to ignore my attire. "Wolves grieve in their own way," Elisabeth said. "Portia needs to stay busy. So I'm here."

"Elisabeth..."

"You need to eat," she said. And then she didn't take 'no' for an answer. It was easier to go along. We ate at the island in the kitchen. I let her wait on me. I spent most of the time staring straight ahead, temporarily numb.

"I'm sorry," Elisabeth said. "I'm good with direct solutions to problems like this, but this isn't the time for that. I'm so sorry, Zoe."

"I couldn't tell you to kill Ember's mom," I said. "There's nothing anyone can do."

"Well, I'm sorry I am so little help."

"Thank you for coming. I'll be fine in a few days."

Except I didn't think I would be.

* * * *

I sulked. I moped. I sobbed a lot. I screamed at the unfairness of the world.

And I went into a deep, dark, depression.

I refused any and all responsibility. I would tend to my own physical needs and not much more. Movie nights were "cancelled until further notice". I stopped attending any pack events and was rarely seen outside the house at all. I didn't answer the doors when people came knocking. After that hint stopped working, I began locking the doors.

Portia was hurting as well, and my reaction didn't help. We should have shared comfort with each other, but I was so lost in my own world, not only was I unable to give her what she needed, I wasn't able to accept what she had to offer, either.

I turned surly and snippy.

It was about two weeks after Ember was gone. I don't remember what I said, but she told me, "Zoe, I miss her, too."

"But you can still smell her!" I said, spinning around to confront Portia. "Can't you? If you go in her room, you can smell her. I go in her room and I can't see a single sign she was ever here."

"Do you think that makes it easier for me?" she replied. "Do you think it makes it easier while at the same time I'm worried about you?"

"Whatever!" I yelled, spinning around and running to my office, slamming the door behind me.

I didn't realize I was doing it, but I blamed Portia. I blamed her and Michaela. It wasn't their fault, but I blamed them anyway. It was easier than blaming myself. If I'd left well enough alone, that woman may never have remembered she had a daughter. But no, I had to go for the gold. I had to ask Hadley to look into legally adopting her. What would it have mattered to have let it go? We were happy.

Deep down, I was convinced it was my fault, but I blamed Portia and Michaela anyway.

I picked fights to the point Portia began avoiding the house. She left early every morning and came home late every evening. We shared a bed, but that was all we shared.

We didn't share bodies.

I began drinking. Heavily. I had never hidden in a bottle in my life, but I began then.

* * * *

I don't really remember individual days through the rest of September, and October was a blur.

They let me get away with my behavior until the first of November. All Saints Day.

It was late morning. I was already two drinks into the day when Michaela found me, sitting in the kitchen with my head in my hands.

"Go away," I told her.

She walked over to me, grabbed my glass from my hands, walked over to the sink, and poured out the contents.

"Hey!" I complained.

She didn't say a word, but the bottle of vodka was on the counter. She took it and dumped that down the sink, too. When she started with that, I jumped to my feet, but suddenly Serena and Angel were there, interposing themselves between Michaela and me. They didn't say a word, and I backed away from them.

"That was a new bottle!" I bitched.

Michaela finished dumping the vodka down the drain and turned to face me. "Tell me the truth. Is there more alcohol in this house?"

I stared at her.

"You don't have any right-"

"I have every right," she said. "Is there more alcohol?"

I glared at her then finally said, "Portia's beer."

"Angel."

Angel moved to the refrigerator in the kitchen. She rummaged around and found two cans waiting. She handed them to Michaela, who set them on the counter. Then she stepped away, and I heard her on the stairs to the basement.

"What else?" Michaela asked coldly.

"Nothing," I said.

"Let me ask you something," Michaela said. "This is a werewolf pack. Do you know what we do to wolves who lie to the alpha?"

"No."

"We deliver a beating," Serena answered for her. "Depending upon the nature of the lies, a very severe beating."

I stared at her for a minute then said, "You wouldn't dare."

"Actually," she replied, "I would. But I suspect for a human there would be other punishments."

"Touch me," I said coldly, "and you better intend to kill me. You'll never be able to trust me again. I swear it!"

"Answer the alpha," Serena said. "What other alcohol is there in the house? Are you really going to let this get that out of hand? You know we'll find it if we have to tear the house apart looking."

"It's not like I hide it!" I said. "And it's not your business any more than it is hers."

"Answer her," Serena said. "Now."

"A couple of bottles of wine," I said. "I bought them to celebrate Ember's adoption. Take them. What do I care?"

I turned my back on both of them, crossing my arms and letting them know what I thought about them.

"Where are they?" Serena asked.

But then Angel reappeared. "I have the beer, and I found a couple of bottles of wine."

"Thank you, Angel. Give everything to Eric," Michaela said. "Then rejoin us."

I ignored them as best they could, but I was fuming.

Michaela waited until Angel had returned before she said, "Zoe, you and I are having a conversation. I will let you pick where."

"It doesn't matter," I said. "I don't have anything to say to you."

"Living room. Bring her."

Michaela swept out the room, and a moment later, Serena and Angel were at my sides. They reached for my arms, but I pulled away. "I am capable of walking."

With the two enforcers hovering over me closely, I followed the fox to the living room. By the time I arrived, she had already taken a seat, and she pointed to the sofa. "Sit down, Zoe."

I took the seat and put on a good facsimile of a spoiled child, crossing my arms, pouting out my lip, and looking anywhere but at her.

"So, tell me," Michaela said. "Is it your intention to turn into the alcoholic - what was the word you used? Oh yes, trash. Into the sort of alcoholic trash you believe Ember's mother to be? Is that your plan?"

I didn't answer her. I wanted to tell her where she could go, but somehow I didn't.

"Are you trying to drive your wife away?" Michaela asked.

I didn't answer that, either.

"Maybe you're trying to incite her into hitting you so you have an excuse to leave her."

At that I snapped my gaze to her. Michaela was watching me intently.

"It's natural to want to blame someone," she said gently. "You blame Portia for not doing something. You blame me. You probably blame me for letting you have her in the first place. I told you it would be forever, and less than a year later, I let someone take her away from you. Losing a child is the worst feeling ever, and no one blames you for hurting, Zoe."

"What would you know about it?" It wasn't said gently.

Angel and Serena stiffened.

Michaela sighed. "I was a mother."

"I know. You introduced me."

"No," she said. "Before. I had two fox kits, Zoe."

* * * *

I was crying long before she finished. She moved to sit on the sofa beside me to finish telling the story, tears crawling down her own cheeks.

"I went into a murderous rage that lasted years," she said at the end. "Zoe, as best I can remember, I've killed 119 wolves."

"What?" I screeched.

"They had it coming," Angel said, "each and every one. Bastards."

"I know about grief, Zoe. I know what it can do to you inside. And I will not allow this. She's not dead, but she's gone, and you don't know if you'll ever see her again. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am about that. But I will not allow you to travel even a single step further down this path."

I didn't respond to that.

"You have a mate who loves you and who needs you, Zoe. You have friends and a pack who love you and miss you. You have responsibilities you have abdicated. And, frankly, you're better than this. You're stronger than this."

I didn't respond to that.

"Life goes on," she said. "If you let it. So, do you intend to drag Portia into your despair with you? Do you intend to drag the pack? Or are you going to straighten your back and do what you know you need to do?"

I turned away from her, still not saying anything.

"You need help," Michaela went on. "Simple help. You need hugs from your spouse and your friends. You need distractions. You need reminders that life can turn out all right, even when there are setbacks. Yeah, as things go, this is a pretty sucky setback. But are you really going to destroy your marriage and maybe your entire life over it?"