Wolf Tales 11 (29 page)

He didn’t want to think about it. The whole idea was much too painful, and for the wizard, a man who stayed connected to the entire pack most of the time, it must be devastating. He sent a quick prayer to Eve, asking her to keep an eye on Anton.

The whole pack needed Anton’s mind in good order. Ric hadn’t realized how much he’d come to depend on the wizard until that subtle presence was no longer in the back of his thoughts.

Ric searched for him.
Nothing.
It was hard to accept that he wasn’t there, even harder to believe he might never feel that connection to Anton again. All of them accepted the wizard as the heart and soul of the entire pack. The glue that held them together and made them stronger as a whole than any one of them could ever hope to be alone. He did it without overt intrusion, without affecting their choices or their actions, yet he connected them in a way both powerful yet inexplicable.

The thought of going on without Anton’s presence was more than a little unsettling. Ric sent another quiet prayer to Eve, and hoped like hell the Goddess was paying attention.

Stefan carried a big tray of sandwiches into the dining room. Normally, they’d just have lunch in the kitchen, but today seemed to call for a more formal setting. They had a
lot to discuss, and he had a feeling it wasn’t going to be easy.

Xandi glanced up and smiled at him, but her eyes were red from crying and he knew how hard this was. Before he could comment, she turned away to finish fastening Lily into the high chair next to Alex. Lily chattered and giggled, totally unaware of the disturbing currents around her.

Xandi tried to tie Lily’s bib on. Giggling, Lily tugged it down. Alex reached across the small distance separating the two chairs and grabbed Lily’s hand. She giggled louder and then squealed. Alex erupted into giggles.

Xandi burst into tears.

Stefan set the tray on the table and gathered his mate in his arms. She sobbed uncontrollably against his shoulder, and her mind swirled with frustration and pain, the shared pain she felt for Keisha.

She said it feels as if he’s dead. She can’t sense him at all. There’s just nothing there when she reaches for him. He can’t touch her, either.

“Sweetheart, Anton’s tough. He’s been through some really bad things before. He’ll come through this. Have a little faith. No matter what happened, he’s still Anton. He still loves us and we will always love him.”

I know.
She sniffed, took the cloth Stefan handed to her, and wiped her eyes and nose. Then she noticed the embroidered wolf in the corner. “Stefan! This isn’t a handkerchief. It’s one of Keisha’s good linen napkins.” She rolled her eyes.

He laughed. “Better Keisha’s napkin than snot all over my shirt.” When the corner of her mouth quirked up in a smile, he kissed her. Then he glanced at the kids. Both Alex and Lily stared at Xandi with wide, troubled eyes. “No more tears,” he said. “You’ll have both kids crying along with you.”

She nodded. “That’s all I need. I’m okay.” She took a
deep breath. “Here.” She handed the soiled cloth to him. “Throw this in the laundry and keep an eye on the kids. I’m going to get some iced tea for everyone.”

He watched her go and tried to imagine life with Xandi without the connection, without her soft laughter in his mind, the sense of her love in his heart. It made him ache, an actual physical pain in his gut. How the hell was Anton going to handle it? His loss had to be devastating.

Liana and Adam came in through the kitchen. Just seeing the two of them together made the day brighter, especially after all Adam had been through. Not only bonded now, but possibly on his way to parenthood—it certainly appeared to agree with him.

And Liana positively glowed. She carried the pitcher of iced tea Xandi had gone after. Adam had a tray of glasses filled with ice cubes. Once Oliver and Mei arrived, Stef wanted to sit down and see if they could come up with any ideas, anything at all to help Anton recover. He had to get better, and this was the best place for it to happen, surrounded by his immediate family, the ones who loved him most, in the home he loved.

Stef opened his mouth to greet Adam and Liana when he heard voices. Mei and Oliver came in together. Mei was somber at best, but Oliver looked devastated. Of all of them, he’d known Anton the longest, had been with him through more shit than most men would have hung around for, but his loyalty and his love for the wizard had never wavered. If anyone should feel hope, Stefan figured it would be Oliver.

So why did he seem so hopeless now?

“You okay, Ollie?”

Oliver nodded. “It’s tough. I’m not dealing with this as well as I should. I think I’m pissed off, more than anything. Anton did everything he set out to do, but it seems like one hell of a sacrifice.”

Stefan forced a smile. “You of all people should know
he won’t take this lying down. He’ll heal, and we’ll get him back. You have to believe that. Do you want to pick them up, or should I? Their plane’s due in around four.”

Oliver raised his head. There was a stricken look on his face. I don’t know if I can face him yet without losing it. Please, Stefan. I need to prepare myself. The last thing Anton needs at the airport is a blubbering idiot.

Which was why Stefan found himself waiting at the hangar belonging to the charter company at quarter to four, where Anton’s jet would deliver all of them. He stared at the empty sky, willing the small plane to arrive, anxious to see for himself how Anton was doing. He hated the emptiness in his mind that the wizard always filled.

Keisha had already contacted him, and the utter sadness in her mental voice had left him shaken. She’d said she felt horrible, like a terribly faithless wife, mourning her loss as if Anton were actually dead to her, even when he sat beside her, needing her love and her strength more than ever.

But, in so many ways, he truly was lost to her. He’d curled up in his seat on the plane and slept the entire way home. Usually he was curious about everything, talking to the pilot, discussing the trip with all of them, talking about what they’d done, where they’d been, who they’d seen.

Bragging about Lily.

He hadn’t even mentioned their daughter. Not once. He hadn’t asked about her, hadn’t said her name. That alone had Keisha worried sick. That, and Anton’s reaction to the events they’d all been part of—more specifically, his lack of reaction.

He’d been concerned about her injury until she showed him how well Logan had healed the deep gash where the bullet grazed her shoulder. Then he’d dismissed it entirely. Any other time, he would have been hovering about her for days.

He’d merely nodded when the feds had finally given
them the word they were free to go home, as if his part in saving the life of the most powerful man in the free world wasn’t a huge event. That was so unlike the man she knew. He was a stranger to her. A stranger she didn’t seem to understand at all anymore.

She was worried about AJ, too. He’d looked absolutely stricken as they’d boarded the plane. She wasn’t exactly certain what had happened, but somehow, when he’d linked with Anton during the energy surge, he’d not only saved Anton’s life, he’d ended up with some of his powers.

Powers AJ wanted no part of. He’d begged her to tell him the moment Anton was ready to take them back. He’d insisted, as if there was somehow going to be some miraculous way for him to return them to Anton, but she’d been too distraught to ask how in the hell he intended to do that, when Anton could no longer link with anyone. It made no sense.

And poor AJ had been too agitated to explain.

Now, with her thoughts still in turmoil and her heart broken, Keisha was bringing Anton home. Waiting on the tarmac, Stefan watched the small jet circle the airport and come in for a landing. Out of habit, he reached for Anton, for the man who always answered his mental call.

There was no one there. Not even the vaguest sense of the wizard as the plane touched down on the runway. Unsure of what was to come, how he should behave, Stefan shoved his hands in his pockets and waited disconsolately for the plane to taxi to the hangar so he could take its passengers home.

Anton hated everything about this. The way he felt cut off from the rest of the pack, the surreptitious glances the others made in his direction when they didn’t think he was watching. He knew they worried about him, that they loved him and wanted him whole, but, for now at least,
they couldn’t do a damned thing to help him—and he sure as hell wasn’t whole.

No, he was fractured, his mind scattered, his life in shambles. It was frightening, really, how quickly he’d been reduced to this state. Frightening and humiliating, when he thought about it, that such a minor disability could bring him down so quickly.

He’d escaped to his office the moment they’d arrived at the house. It hadn’t been fast enough. He’d still had to walk what felt like a gauntlet of his packmates. Their loving concern had almost been his undoing. He didn’t know if he’d be able to handle sitting at the big table with everyone. Acting as if everything was just fine.

The ride home had been bad enough. He’d sat in front with Stefan and told him what he remembered of the evening. He’d described what he could recall of AJ’s sudden link and the way their minds had immediately synched. He still wasn’t certain what had happened, though he fully believed Eve had her hand in the outcome. Somehow, AJ had become the key to his survival. Anton wasn’t certain how, but AJ held something he needed. Something he couldn’t yet retrieve.

Not until he was ready.

“Anton? Dinner’s ready.” He glanced up from the stack of mail he’d found waiting for him on his desk. Bills and statements and proposals. How the hell would he manage his work if he couldn’t read the minds of the people around him? He’d learned to rely on that edge.

Of course, he could still rely on Stefan, but it wouldn’t be the same. Not for a man who wanted control in all things. “I’ll be there in a minute.” He glanced away from Keisha’s hopeful expression and shuffled the stacks of mail. When he raised his head a minute later, she was still there. Standing in the doorway with her arms crossed over her chest.

Obviously not very happy with him. “What? I said I’d come in a minute.”

“Lily is awake. You haven’t even given your daughter a hug since you got home. You’ve avoided your packmates and you’re being rude to me. Feeling sorry for you only goes so far, Anton. Man up and deal with it. Is it so impossible for you to have a little patience with a mind that’s still far better than the average member of the human population?”

He wasn’t sure which was the more powerful emotion—anger or shame. He went with anger. He’d never been all that good about dealing with shame. He slowly rose and carefully planted his palms on the desk. “You forget, my love, that like you, I am no longer human, so don’t put me in a category with humans. It has no bearing on what I can and cannot do. Like you, and like our daughter, I am Chanku, only I appear to have lost those special abilities that define our very existence.”

Keisha took a quick step back, as if his anger had physically shoved her aside. Then she straightened her spine and glared at him. “You don’t know that you’ve lost your abilities forever. You told me that Eve said for you to return to your home and heal. Well, my love, you are home. Give yourself time to get well, but in the meantime, act like a man. I will not allow you to punish me or our daughter because you can’t deal with your perceived weakness.”

She glared at him a moment longer, magnificent in her anger. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, how much he admired the strength she’d shown throughout this past week. She’d been cool under pressure, unbelievably brave when faced with a madman with a gun. She’d been wounded, yet in spite of her pain, she’d gotten the president to safety and then stayed beside her mate while he hid away in the guest room at Luc and Tia’s house.

She’d been spectacular. He’d been absolutely worthless. He still was, yet he, who always had an explanation for
everything, had no words to explain his actions. None worthy of his mate. She waited a moment longer. Gave him every chance in the world to apologize, but when he didn’t speak, she turned away in anger and left him standing there like a fool.

He was a fool. And he owed her an apology. More than that, he owed her his life. She’d saved him, time and time again, and now all he did was give her grief. She had a right to be angry.

He shoved the mail into a tray on his desk and followed Keisha to the dining room. Voices, laughter, Lily’s squeal and Alex’s funny giggles. Life waited in the other room.

He had to figure out a way to embrace it without giving in to despair. And he had to hope like hell that Eve was right, that he’d somehow get back to what he’d been, to the man he was supposed to be.

Keisha and Xandi took the babies in for play time in the tub before bed. Oliver, Mei, and Liana volunteered to clean up after dinner and that left Anton staring out the window in his office. The fact it was dark outside and there was nothing to see didn’t really matter.

At least Keisha had accepted his apology, as lame as it had been, though she was still angry. He knew she didn’t understand the depth of his grief. Hell, he didn’t understand it himself. He’d never experienced anything like this, had no way to articulate his feelings. Telling her he was sorry for acting like such a bastard had been a step in the right direction, but not enough.

Not nearly enough.

He heard motion behind him and turned. Any other time, he would have sensed the intruder. He would have known it was Stefan, would have been just as aware of Adam coming through the door behind him.

He really didn’t want company. Not tonight. Keisha was still pissed off in spite of what she’d said when he
apologized—he didn’t need to read her mind to know that. Stefan was disappointed in him, but not saying why, and he really wasn’t up to Adam’s quiet contentment. It was too damned much. He just wanted them to leave him alone.

Neither man said a word to him. He frowned, turned his head, and watched as Stefan went straight to the cabinet where he kept his liquor. He pulled out three glasses along with a bottle of the really expensive Hennessy, and poured shots in each glass. He handed one to Adam, took one for himself, and shoved the third into Anton’s hand.