Without Me (12 page)

I
was mortified and defeated
.

The words I wanted to say to him were stuck on my tongue, but I couldn’t say them. Even when my mother threatened me, I still couldn’t. I didn’t want him to know. It was my secret. It was something that only my family and my closest friends knew.

I didn’t want him to look at me differently. I wouldn’t be able to survive it. When he walked out the door yet again, I held back the anguish I felt as my insides were shattering.

“What is wrong with you, Max?” My mother shook her head as she climbed to her feet. “That man seems to really like you, and you’re being selfish.”

“Mother,” I snapped as I jumped to my feet. “If I were selfish, I’d let him be mine. I’m saving him from me. He can’t fall in love with me. He just can’t.” I paced the tiny area between the coffee table and couch. He couldn’t. I wouldn’t allow it.

“He already does, child.”

“Ma, what he says and does are two different things.”

“I can tell by the way he lit up when you walked in the room. I haven’t heard a man fight so hard for the love of a woman. Can’t you see how he feels about you?”

I stopped dead in my tracks. “I do! That’s why I pushed him away, Mama. It’s not fair for him. It’s not right of me to love him.” I began to pace again.

She gripped my arms, stopping me as she shook me. “Baby, you deserve love as much as everybody else. If you don’t get your head out of your ass, you’re going to spend the rest of your life alone.”

“I have you, my family, and friends. I don’t need anyone else.”

“Lies. I won’t be here forever, Max. Your friends and family have their own loved ones. We all need somebody in life. Don’t push away a man that’s willing to fight for you.”

“Mama—”

She held up her hand. “I don’t want to hear it. Go tell that man that you love him and make him understand why you’ve been acting like a fool.”

“I can’t,” I whispered as my eyes flooded with tears.

“You will. If you don’t, Max, I’ll find that boy and tell him exactly what’s going on.”

“You wouldn’t!” I yelled as I closed my eyes. One thing I know about my mother is that she doesn’t speak hollow words.

“I will. Try me, child. Get yourself together and go beg for his forgiveness.”

There wasn’t a point in arguing with her. I knew she’d tell him if I didn’t. No matter how hard it would be to tell him my secret, it had to come from my mouth. I needed to look into his eyes when the realization and enormity of it sank in.

L
oud pounding
on the door woke me from my sleep. After half a bottle of tequila, I’d crawled in bed and nodded off watching
Dual Survival
.

I grabbed my pillow, smashing my face into the material. If I ignored the door, maybe they’d go away. As I sighed and didn’t hear a second knock, I spread out and started to drift back to sleep.

Another knock had my eyes flying open. This time, the pounding was more forceful, and it made my heart jump. I looked at the clock and wondered who in the fuck would be pounding on my damn door after midnight.

Anything was possible at this point, but most likely, it was one of my brothers popping by with some bullshit. Without looking at my phone, I grabbed a pair of shorts and put them on as I walked down the steps.

The pounding continued, growing louder the closer I moved toward the door.

Finally, I swung it open and yelled, “What?”

Max stood before me with her face covered in tears and her fist in midair. “Anthony,” she said.

I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at her. The tequila and the banging on the door had started to give me a headache. Seeing her on my doorstep made my blood whoosh through my veins so fast that my head began to pound harder than her fists had been hitting the door.

“What, Max?” I replied in a scathing voice. “I don’t have time for your shit, and I sure as fuck don’t need any pussy.”

“Oh,” she replied, and looked over my shoulder.

“No one is here. I just refuse to let you stomp all over me again. I will not be that man. I’m not weak, Max. I don’t need you in my life.”

“Anthony, please let me talk.” She looked beautiful with her hair shining in the moonlight and taking on a bluish tone in the darkness.

I held my hand out. “There’s nothing you can say to me. We want different things in life. I asked for a chance to get to know you so I wouldn’t have a regret. I’ve changed my fucking mind. I regret the day I met you. I’m through. Go home. There’s nothing or no one here for you.”

Some of it I meant. There was nothing more I wanted to do than hold her and feel her body on mine. I couldn’t give in. Standing my ground would be the only way she and I could ever have a future together.

“I don’t care how many tears you’ve cried. Save them for someone who means something to you.”

“Stop!” she yelled as tears streamed down her face. “I’m sick, Anthony. Sick! My father died and his condition was genetic.” The sob that broke free caused her entire body to tremble.

Every ounce of air inside my lungs had left me in one quick exhale. I stood there not believing what she’d said. Max had lied before, so this had to be another one of her tales.

“What?”

“You heard me,” she cried as her shoulders sagged. “I’ll never have a future. You need to find someone else to give you a happy life and a big family. I’m not that girl. I can never be her. No matter how badly I want it, I just can’t be.” She looked at the ground, breaking eye contact.

The knots that had formed in my stomach had changed, turning into a solid punch in the gut. There wasn’t a blow I’d taken from my brothers that had caused as much pain as her words had. Sick. She was sick. The strong woman standing before me had something that affected her and made her feel unworthy.

I lifted her chin, needing to look into her dark eyes and understand the depths of her pain. “Max,” I whispered. “I don’t understand. You don’t seem sick.”

Her lip trembled as she spoke. “I’m not sick now, but I will be. I know my fate. I never have to wonder what I’ll be like in my old age, Anthony. I know that I’ll be wheelchair-bound and unable to live on my own, just like my father.”

It couldn’t be.

Max was vibrant, full of life, and too fierce to let anything stop her. She couldn’t resign herself to such a fate. I wouldn’t allow her to. All the anger I had been holding inside had vanished and was replaced by a worry so profound that I wanted to move heaven and earth to make her existence different.

“Max, we can go see the best doctors in the world. I have money. I’ll help you find a way to change your fate.” I wouldn’t accept the word of a single doctor.

“It’s hopeless, Anthony,” she replied as the tears fell onto my fingertips. “I’ve been to the top doctors in the country. There’s no cure. No treatment. I had accepted my future until I met you.” She blew out a shaky breath and continued, “Meeting you made me curse the gods and question my faith, Anthony.”

“I didn’t do anything to you, but love you.”

“I tried to push you away,” she whispered as her bottom lip quivered. “You wouldn’t let me. You chased me, making me give in. God, how I want to change everything, Anthony, but I can’t. I don’t want the future I’ve been dealt. I had accepted it, but you fucked everything up.”

“Is that why you keep getting rid of me?” It all started to click.

“Yes!” she wailed, and closed her eyes.

I reached out. “Come on, Kitty Cat. Come inside so we can talk.”

She didn’t speak as she let me guide her inside.

I sat down and pulled her into my lap. “Why would you do that, Max? Push me away.”

As she wiped her cheeks, she said, “I decided years ago, when I saw my father wither away, that I wouldn’t do that to another person. I avoided relationships, promising to never have to subject someone to that kind of life. I want you, Anthony. I crave you. Being with you brings me so much happiness.”

“Then why not let me make the decision for myself?” I asked. One thing I’d never done well with was people making decisions for me.

“Because you wouldn’t make a clear decision. You don’t know what you’re dealing with.” She laid her head on my shoulder as I pulled her closer.

“I always think clearly, Max. It’s my decision to make if I want to love you, not yours.”

“But—”

I put my finger over her lips. “Max, you’ve made my head spin since the day I met you. People would think I’m fucking nuts for always going back for more. There was something that drew me to you at the bar that night. That spark between us had me wanting more. Nothing has changed. I need to know if that’s the only reason you kept trying to push me away.”

“Yes,” she replied as she peered up at me. I moved my fingers, giving her a chance to speak. “I was having a battle with myself. I kept telling myself to give us a shot and that maybe you could handle my illness when I was older. That’s if we stayed together, of course,” she added, and tried to crack a smile, but it was forced. “Then doubt would creep in and I’d try to be as mean as possible to get rid of you.”

“You did a good job.” I snickered as I brushed the hair away from her face.

“Watching my father disintegrate before my eyes changed me. I look healthy now, but I know what the disease can do to a person.”

“Tell me what happens.” I played with her hair between my fingertips and listened.

“It affects a person’s ability to walk, making them unsteady and weak. It also alters their ability to speak. I’ll sound like I’m drunk even when I’m not. My hands will have a hard time grasping objects and I will be robbed of my ability to write. My coordination will be off. I may want to walk to the left but my mind won’t get the signal and may go right.”

I took in everything she had to say as she continued laying out the severity of the condition and how she’d be changed physically. I knew I had to learn everything I could about it as soon as possible.

“Does it affect your mind?”

“No, I’ll still be the same person on the inside.”

“You’ll still be the same person on the outside too, Max.”

“Not really, Anthony. I’ll be a shell of my former self.”

“Max,” I said as I turned her in my lap to face me, “I don’t care what your future may be like. I’ve never loved a woman before I met you. Never. I don’t care if we have five years or fifty, I wanted all of them, every second you have on this planet, to be spent with me. I’m a selfish prick, remember? I can’t let you push me away again. I won’t let you be alone. You’ve caused enough pain in my life by trying to get rid of me. I won’t allow you to do it again.”

“Anthony, you don’t know what you’re saying. You don’t want a woman confined to a wheelchair. It’s so much more than that. Everything about me will be different. There won’t be a thing in my life that won’t be a struggle. Someday, I’ll need constant care. Do you really want to live like that? With the knowledge that you’ll have to take care of me.” Her eyes bored into me as they questioned the depths of my love.

I could understand her worry. We both knew I had been an asshole. Love wasn’t something I’d wanted or asked for in my life, but it had fallen in my lap.

“I know you think I’m not man enough to love you. I was an asshole. The most selfish prick to grace the planet, but you changed me. Your love has ruined me. I’m not the same man I was when I bought you that drink. Your love seeped into my veins and altered my world forever. If I had to pick between a life without you and one with you, even in a wheelchair, I’d pick you every time, Max. Every time I’d want you in my life.”

I paused, feeling my eyes begin to water. This wasn’t how I wanted my love to be. I didn’t want this to be true.

“No one has made me as happy and pissed off as you have. I’ve never felt a spark when I touched anyone. It’s only you.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying,” she said, shaking her head in my hands.

“I fucking do. The last few times you threw me out, I was gutted. Remember what I told you when I asked you to give us a chance?”

She nodded, remaining quiet.

“I said I never wanted to live wondering what could’ve been. I don’t want to have any regrets. I’m in too deep, baby. If I run away from you now, I know I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. No one will ever fill my heart the way you have. No one could love me the way you do, both good and bad. When I’m with you, everything in the world seems right. I can’t let you push me away. It’s not happening.”

“Anthony,” she pleaded as she touched my hand.

“No, Max. I won’t let you ruin our chance at happiness. You’ve been calling all the shots, and that shit’s about to change,” I said as I brushed a tear off her cheek.

“But—”

“No. I’m not leaving your side. We’re going to figure this out together. Medicine changes every day. They could find a cure before you start experiencing symptoms. Never give up hope. The one thing I now believe is to never give up hope.”

“I’m scared to let myself be happy,” she whispered.

“Why?”

“Because it’ll make it more painful when I start getting sick, Anthony. I’ll know everything I’ll miss out on once I’m unable to walk.” Tears streamed down her face, dropping on my shirt.

“Like what?”

“Like dancing with you.”

“Max, I can hold you in my arms and dance. I have the strength for the both of us.”

“I won’t be able to make love to you the way I do now.”

“How many years are we talking about before you start getting sick?”

“I don’t know. It could be tomorrow, next week, or in twenty years!”

“If I can still get it up when I’m sixty, we’ll figure something out.” I laughed.

“Don’t be silly.” She shook her head, but a tiny smile crawled across her face.

“I’m not. Let’s be honest about our future. I can do it all night now, but in twenty years, who knows. I may not even live that long, Max. Most people don’t know their future and wander through life holding on to any happiness they can grasp. You think you know what your future will be, but we could both die tomorrow. Why not hold on to the happiness we’ve found and face whatever comes next together?” I sounded so grown up that I almost shocked myself. I felt like I was channeling the words of wisdom my mother would say, but for once, I was okay with it.

“Maybe you’re right.”

“I am. Let’s take it day by day. Can we agree on that?” I asked. “If I’m being an asshole, then call me out, but never try to get rid of me because you’re scared. When it becomes overwhelming, I’ll be there for you.”

“I don’t deserve you,” she whispered.

“I know.” I laughed and watched her face break out into the most beautiful, heart-stopping smile.

“You’re an asshole.”

“I know that too, but that’s why you like me.”

She rolled her eyes and laughed.

“So, your family doesn’t hate me?” I had to bring it up. It was something that needed to be discussed.

“No,” she confessed, and grimaced.

“It was wrong of you to use the color of our skin to keep us apart.”

“I know. It’s the only thing I could think of.”

“That was a huge lie, Kitty Cat. A hurtful untruth.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“If your mother hadn’t shown up and spilled the truth, would you have ever told me about being sick?”

“I don’t know.” She glanced down and exhaled. “I’d like to think that I would. I wanted to tell you, but I just couldn’t bring myself to.”

I raised her face and stared at her, taking in her beauty. “No more lies, Max. We won’t survive this if you do.”

“Okay, Anthony. I promise.”

The one thing I needed was to feel connected to her. Gripping her hair in my hands, I lost myself in her kiss.

“I need to make love to you,” I murmured on her lips.

“Yes,” she panted.

I lifted her, carrying her to my bedroom without breaking the passionate kiss. Everything we felt but didn’t say poured out through our lips as we silently conveyed the emotion of the moment.

Max and I were back, and nothing would tear us apart.

Karma could fuck off.