With This Heart (15 page)

Jason leaned forward so he could see me past Beck. “What’s a lap dance among
friends
, right?” His tone held a note of annoyance. Did he think I lied to him before? Beck and I
were
friends and we
weren’t
dating, so it’s not my fault that at a party I didn’t feel like recounting our complicated-as-hell status to a random surfing instructor.

I couldn’t look at Jason or Beck throughout the remainder of the game. Beck and I just sat there in silence until everyone started clearing out. I grabbed my phone out of my purse and motioned that I would walk ahead so I could make a call. I prayed Caroline answered.

“
Oh my God, finally!” I felt the flutters of relief wash through my nervous belly when Caroline answered on the fourth ring. It was late for her, but when all you do is sleep, days don’t seem to be divided quite the same as they used to be.

“
Hey, Abs,” she answered with a voice that sounded like it was being grated. None of her usual cheeriness was present either.

“
Hey, did I catch you at a bad time? I could call back?” Maybe she was just tired.

She cleared her throat and I could hear the bed rustling like she was trying to sit up a bit further. “No. It’s okay, just feeling extra crappy.”

Usually she sugarcoated her illness. She would talk about being in the hospital like it was an extended stay in a hotel and nothing more.

“
Is that why you haven’t been answering my calls? I don’t care if all we talk about is how shitty you feel. I miss you.”

There was a long silence and I stared down at the sand. In the moonlight, it almost looked like snow. Warm, grainy snow.

“
Abby, I want you to be happy and I’ve just needed some time to process everything.”

My heart dropped.

“
Process what?” I shouted into the phone with no regard for anyone around me. I didn’t care what they thought.

“
Abby…They gave me a new timeline.”

A timeline. They gave her an expiration date. As if anyone could predict the fucking future. A timeline was statistics and nothing more. It didn’t account for externalities. The fact that Caroline was the best goddamned human being I’d ever known and that she deserved longer than whatever timeline they decided to give her.

“
How long?” I stopped walking and let my knees fall forward into sand. My butt fell back onto my heels. Snowy sand stuck to my legs, exfoliating my pale skin.

“
Eight months.”

Eight months of life is what Caroline had to plan for. What I had to plan for. I felt an overwhelming need to scream building within me, building in my stomach and winding up my trachea and throat, pressing into my lungs. Then, when it reached my mouth, I counted to ten. This wasn’t my illness. This wasn’t about me. Caroline needed me to be strong. She needed the best fucking eight months of her life.

“
Can I come pick you up and take you on the rest of the road trip with us?” I asked, praying she would say yes.

“
I don’t know when I’ll be out of the hospital, but what if when you get back we go on one. Just you and me.” That sounded like heaven. I instantly thought of all the fun places we could stay together. We could go to Hollywood and walk the star mile and find every celebrity we’d ever pined over.

“
Sounds perfect.”

“
Any updates for me?” she asked, and for the first time that night, I heard hope in her voice. She really was living vicariously through me.

I shifted around to see who was still around. The party had cleared out pretty quickly, but Beck was still on the beach a few yards away. He was sitting on his butt in the sand with his arms bent around his knees. His face was angled toward the ocean. The moonlight hit each of his sharp features. He was probably making sure I didn’t get kidnapped, but I appreciated the privacy he gave me.

I told Caroline everything about the bonfire, the kissing, and the sandbar confessions from the other day
.
She eagerly listened to every detail. When I admitted that she was the devil sitting on my shoulder at each moment, she cheered into the phone.

“
You’re damn right I am. I’ve never been prouder,” she admitted, and I could hear the smile in her voice.

“
You would have loved the surfing instructor. He was straight off
Laguna Beach
.”

“
Meh. He doesn’t sound as hot as Mr. Lap Dance.”

I burst out laughing. “I should call him that from now on.”

Once our laughter died down, the crashing waves settled in and I just sat there on the phone with her, wondering what she was looking at in her hospital room.

“
Once we hang up, I’ll take a picture of the ocean and text it to you.”

“
Thanks. I’ll put it as my background,” she answered wistfully.

“
I love you, Caroline.”

“
I love you, too, Abs.”

…

“
That’s a lot of pills,” Beck mentioned as we drove out of Corpus. We’d left just after breakfast and I’d forgotten to take my medicine beforehand. My medicine bag sounded much more ominous when there was no music playing in the car, so I switched the stereo on low before I started rattling through each pill bottle.

“
They’re for my sex change operation,” I quipped, not really wanting to get into the details of them.

“
You’re turning into a man?” he asked, eying me skeptically from his driver’s seat. “I think you’d make a really good one. You weigh, what? A hundred pounds? Nothing says dude like chicken legs.”

I dropped one of the bottles back into the bag and narrowed my eyes toward him. “They’re not chicken legs!”

“
I know,” he smirked. “They’re perfect.” He’d slipped the compliment in so flawlessly that I almost missed it. “What are the pills actually for?”

He knew about my transplant, so there was no point in harping on it even more. “I’m one of those people that grows hair on every surface of my body. Have you seen those shows on discovery channel?”

He couldn’t hide his playful grin. “You watch too much TV, but sure, I’ll let you stick with that answer.”

I laughed and twisted my legs under me so I could sit like a pretzel on the seat while I finished taking each pill in quick secession.

A moment later, he hit his hand onto the steering wheel, like he’d just remembered something. “If you stop taking the pills, you could be the bearded lady at the circus.” He paused and then looked over at me with such strong hope in his eyes that I thought for a moment he was being serious. “Except if you go through the sex change operation, you’d just be a normal dude with a beard.”

He frowned and shrugged before turning his attention back to the road.

I didn’t stop laughing until we crossed the Corpus Christi city line.

I thought Beck would, you know,
go
for it after my lap dance last night, but nothing happened after we returned to the hotel room. I was exhausted and the weight of Caroline’s prognosis flitted through my mind every time I tried to close my eyes. I tossed and turned, unable to peel the images of her sickness from my mind. Her mangled lungs, her failing liver. I knew Beck was awake as well, but he gave me the peace that I craved.

“
Alright, lightning round,” I began, pausing to insert an awesome game-show sound effect. It, of course, wasn’t lost on Beck. He appreciated every nuance of my humor. “Which of the following was not the name of a Spice Girl: Scary, Baby, Silly, or Posh?

“
Silly,” he answered quickly, sliding me a cocky half smile.

“
What? C’mon, you can’t guess it that fast.”

“
Why can’t I guess that fast if I know the answer? It’s called
lighting
round.”

I crossed my arms and sat back in my seat. “Okay, let’s play Desert Island instead.”

He winked and I pretended to be staring off through his window when actually I was just studying his features while he drove. Sometimes I had to remind myself that he was real and sitting in the same car as I was.

“
Let’s do the TV show edition since we know you’ll have an unlimited tap to draw from,” he joked.

My grin spread wide, “Okay three TV shows each. You go first.”

The music hummed from the radio while I waited for his answer. We were in the middle of God knows where, following any road that our hearts desired.

“
The complete history of
SNL
,
LOST
,” he paused to think for a second, “and probably
The Walking Dead
since I’m watching it now and I want to know how it ends.”

“
Wait. Wait!” I blurted, waving my hands up into the air. “You want to watch a show about being stuck on a desert island
while
being stuck on a desert island?”

He smirked. “The irony is too good to pass up, and Kate also happens to be my dream girl.”

It was silly, but I instantly compared myself to Kate. We didn’t have anything in common. Why couldn’t I have adorable freckles??

“
Okay. Your turn,” he demanded eagerly.

I nodded, stalling for time so I could make sure I wasn’t missing any of the good ones. “
The Office
,
Will and Grace
, and
Game of Thrones
,” I declared, instantly regretting my choices. “No, wait! Maybe
House of Cards
instead of one of those. Or
Friends
.”

His laugh filled the car. “You would choose to be lost on a desert island with Michael Scott?”

“
And Jim,” I smiled proudly, imagining
my
dream guy.

We drove for another hour, heading north with no real destination in mind. I propped my feet up on the dashboard and stared at the landscape whipping by. At one point, I pulled my phone out and recorded a video through my passenger window to send to Caroline. It was just twenty seconds of dried grass and trees, but the sky was so blue and cloudy; I knew it would give her a taste of life.

Around lunchtime we were passing through a small town when I saw a huge sign that read “Texas’ Largest Flea Market - 5 miles”.

“
Beck, have you ever been to a flea market?” I asked, shifting my gaze toward him. He’d slipped on his Wayfarers so I couldn’t see his eyes, but there was a little bit of stubble dotting his chin. I thought if I were his girlfriend, I’d make him keep it like that. It morphed him into something even hotter, that slight shadow of facial hair.

“
Not that I remember. I saw that sign back there too.”

“
Could we go?” I asked, wanting to see if their claim about it being the ‘biggest in Texas’ was true.

“
Do you think we’re ready for a flea market date? I heard that usually doesn’t come until later on in the relationship. I mean we
hardly
shared a lap dance last night.” How he could tease me and make me smile all in one sentence, I wasn’t sure, but I sat there staring at him like I’d been searching all of my days to encounter that very moment. Was I supposed to comment on the fact that he was joking
or
that he had called it a date
or
that he mentioned “relationship”? I ended up not saying much of anything. I grunted awkwardly and turned toward the window, praying he couldn’t see my blushing cheeks in the glass’ reflection.

“
That was the best lap dance I’ve ever received, by the way.”
He wasn’t going to drop it.

I didn’t shift back toward him. “How many have you had?” I asked, concentrating hard on the gravel road splashing rocks as we exited the highway.

“
Just the one. But it was by far the best I’ve ever had,” he spoke confidently.

I tried to hide my all-consuming smile. “Beck. Turn into the flea market.”

“
Alright, but there’s no coming back from this experience,” he declared, turning right into an expansive parking lot.

I know he was being silly, but his sarcasm wove around me, making it feel as though going to a flea market together actually
was
a big step. I shook my head clear of the thought, unbuckled my seat belt, and hopped out of the car. The sign a few miles back wasn’t bluffing-it
had
to be the biggest flea market in Texas. The parking lot alone could have been a small metropolis. There were trolley cars looping around the perimeter, taking people to the entrance who didn’t want to walk the half mile themselves. Beck bypassed them and started weaving through parked cars.

“
Wait for me!” I shouted, picking up my pace so I could catch up with him. The wind whipped my hair and I turned toward the sky, noticing the dark rolling clouds blocking out the sun completely. At least the flea market was covered because the sky looked like it was going to open up any second. When I looked back down, Beck was studying me with a serious gaze— one that couldn’t be mistaken for friendship. I stuck my tongue out at him and he pretended to lasso me toward him. I played along and he pulled me into him so he could kiss my cheek.

“
Do you think they have real lassos here?” I asked with gleaming eyes.