With Patience and Fortitude: A Memoir (24 page)

Once we had our makeup and hair done, we were ready to head to the reception hall to get dressed. We had heard that there was quite a media scene outside the wedding space, so on the way over, Kim suggested we drive down Fifteenth Street to see what was happening. It was exciting and curious to see the big press setup behind police barricades, which we were fortunately able to avoid because even though we had our hair and makeup done, we were in sweatshirts and jeans, so we looked a bit silly.

Amazingly I really didn’t worry about anything as we moved through the day, except for how Anthony was doing and the logistics of getting from one thing to the next. But Anthony seemed great, and everything went as smoothly as it could (not counting a last-minute panic over whether the tuxedoes came with the right buttons—they did).

Once we got to Highline Stages, our plan was not to see each other again until I came down the aisle with my father. Kim was going first, so she would already be at the front when I came in. So when we got to the reception hall, we kissed each other good-bye and went to our own rooms to get ready.

The only thing I didn’t like about being a bride is that I missed seeing everything that came before my big entrance. So while I was still getting ready and people were coming into the hall, an Irish trio was playing upbeat music. When we were ready to get started, they switched to a slow song to let people know it was time to get seated, and our ushers—our niece Kelley and nephews Vince and Kevin—walked down the aisle and took their seats.

Our friend Maura welcomed everyone and introduced Audra McDonald, the Tony Award–winning singer and Broadway star with the most beautiful voice. Audra has been a tireless champion for marriage equality, and I’m honored to call her a friend. We were thrilled that she could sing at our wedding. She sang the Gershwin song “He Loves and She Loves” but changed the lyrics to make it fit for an LGBT wedding. Then Maura introduced a video Kim and I had made, sort of in the spirit of
When Harry Met Sally.
In that classic New York movie, couples sit on a couch and talk directly to the camera in response to questions about their relationship. So we asked Maura’s husband, Mark, who’s one of my political consultants, if he could make a video called
When Chris Met Kim.

The video is divided into three parts. Kim really stole the show with these perfectly timed dramatic eye rolls in response to things I said. Despite her shyness, she’s a natural on film. In the first segment we talk about how we met. In the second, we talk about how we each knew the other was “the one” and about how we bonded over our mothers. And in the third, we talked about our fathers and how the toughest thing about marriage equality being defeated the first time around was our disappointment that our fathers wouldn’t be able to walk us down the aisle. I’m told that when the video was shown, there was a lot of laughter, but tears, too. It was probably a good thing I wasn’t there to see it because I’m sure I would have ruined my makeup.

Then the wedding procession started, with our adorable grandnephew Jase as the ring bearer. He was followed by the flower girl, our grandniece Jordan. At the press conference right after marriage equality passed, I’d mentioned how we’d be talking about Jordan’s dress the next day, at Kelley’s college graduation party. We wound up picking a simple white dress for her, with a pink sash to match the colors in our sisters’ dresses. Jordan looked so pretty with flowers in her hair and her little silvery shoes—she was in kindergarten at the time. She carried a little basket of rose petals and scattered them as she walked down the aisle.

Then our friend Wayne, who was the best man, and our sisters, Debbie and Ellen, who were our matrons of honor, all walked down the aisle together to “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.”

And then from the back, where I was waiting with my father, I could hear the beginning of Kim’s processional song, “If I Should Fall Behind,” by Bruce Springsteen, so it was time for Kim and her father to walk down the aisle. They were standing in the back where no one could see them. And as soon as the song started, Kim’s father said to her, “I wish your mother was here with us.” And she said, “Me too, but she’s with us, and she’d be yelling at you right now to smile! So let’s do it.”

When Kim and her father first stepped from behind the curtain, only a few people could see them, but as they headed to the aisle, gasps could be heard. When they came around to the top of the center aisle, the crowd jumped to their feet and began clapping and cheering, which was totally unexpected. Kim says she still gets goose bumps whenever she thinks about it. She was so overwhelmed in that moment that she put her head on her father’s shoulder. Then she walked down the aisle to the front of the hall to wait for me. You can see in all the photos of Kim’s father how he was standing proud and tall.

My father and I were waiting behind the curtain and could hear the cheering and the applause. When my song came on, which was Beyoncé’s version of “Ave Maria,” we emerged, and I paused a second to take in the image of the room, which was so beautiful. Our floral designer had arranged huge photographs of some of our favorite images in New York: the Empire State Building, the Washington Square arch, and of course Patience and Fortitude.

It’s hard to describe the feeling I had looking out at the faces of those nearly three hundred people who were on their feet applauding. Mostly they were family and friends, and some were my colleagues, including New York’s two U.S. senators, the mayor, and the governor. But then I saw Kim watching me, and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She was so beautiful. The amber backlighting against the white walls radiated off her suit and sparkly vest. Everybody said we looked beautiful, but she looked amazing.

It was the first time Kim had seen me in my wedding dress. And in that moment when we locked eyes, I felt beautiful and happy, and I certainly felt loved. About three-quarters of the way down the aisle, I stopped because my legs began to shake, and my father asked if I was okay. I said I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure if I was nervous or just overwhelmed because it was my wedding, but I had to stand there for a moment to get my bearings. Then we walked the rest of the way down the aisle and joined Kim, who was already standing in front of our officiant, New York’s former chief judge, Judith Kaye.

Judge Kaye looked so regal and elegant in her black robes, with a red blouse underneath, and red shoes. She was the only person Kim and I wanted as our officiant. She was the first woman to become the highest-ranking judge in the State of New York. And in 2006, when the court ruled against same-sex marriage, she wrote the most beautiful and passionate dissent. She also had a long and wonderful marriage. I didn’t know Judge Kaye well, but when she retired from the bench, she was generous in saying that if I ever needed advice of any kind, I shouldn’t hesitate to call.

One day I called and asked her if I could come up to see her in her office. When I got there I said, “Kim and I wanted to ask you if you would officiate at our wedding. You’re not just on the short list, you
are
the list.”

And even before I finished asking, she said, “Yes! Yes! Yes. It’s what I thought! It’s what I thought!”

Her enthusiasm was so heartwarming. Then she got serious about planning. She said Kim and I should start keeping a notebook of ideas and thoughts; that we should meet to discuss the ceremony; and that we would have to give it time, because she really wanted to make it special. About a month before the wedding, we met with Judge Kaye over dinner. She asked about our families, what we liked to do together, the things we liked to do separately, how we were similar, and how we were different. And from all the information she gathered, she wrote a wonderful ceremony that was heartfelt, funny, serious, and touching.

Standing in front of Judge Kaye at the wedding, we listened as she talked about how Kim likes structure and quiet, and how I like to move at an almost frenetic pace and watch TV to escape. At one point she said, “Kim, you’re the lawyer, you like order and law. Chris, you’re more chaotic and like
Law and Order
.” She mentioned how Kim’s dad had bought me earphones so Kim could read quietly while I watched fairly trashy TV. (Those headphones helped preserve our relationship.) And she talked about how some things are so important that they need to be witnessed.

During the ceremony, we had a candle lighting to honor our mothers and the other people we loved who weren’t there to celebrate our wedding. Ellen’s husband, Bob; Kim’s sister-in-law, Terry; and her brother Anthony led that ceremony. One of the candles represented my mom, and the second candle represented Kim’s. The third, a large, low candle set between the two tall ones, represented the rest of our family members and friends who were not with us that night.

During our engagement, we had created a tribute page at Memorial Sloan-Kettering in memory of our mothers. At the top of the page, there are two beautiful photographs of our mothers on their wedding days. And on the page we wrote:

IN LOVING MEMORY OF MARY CALLAGHAN QUINN AND JOSEPHINE CATULLO

In celebration of our wedding and in tribute to the lives of our mothers, Mary Callaghan Quinn and Josephine Catullo, we have created a fund in their honor.

While our mothers will not be physically present on our wedding day, we carry their memories in our hearts each and every day. We are grateful for the time we shared with them and know that they will be smiling even more brightly from above on our special day.

In an effort to further the battle against women’s cancer, we have created this tribute fund to help underwrite the pioneering work being done at Memorial Sloan-Kettering, which has long been a leader in the field. Contributions will be used to support research under the direction of one of the world’s foremost oncologists, Dr. Larry Norton. We know that your gift to the fund will help save the lives of other women and will prevent other young girls from losing their mothers all too soon.

Thank you so much for sharing in our wedding day and for honoring our mothers with your gift.

Chris & Kim

Then our goddaughter Tori, a sophomore in high school, introduced her sister Olivia. Olivia is an opera student who was finishing her freshman year in college. She sang a beautiful rendition of “One Hand, One Heart” from
West Side Story
.

And then it was time to say our vows, which we had not shared with each other before the ceremony. Here is what I said to Kim:

It is so hard to sum up all I want to say in a few minutes.

I often think that my life before I met you was in black and white and that you transformed it into Technicolor.

You are the most loyal, committed person I have ever met. You watch over the people you love like a lioness and you feel and love at a depth that I didn’t know existed and that lifts me up and inspires me to be a better, more loving person.

I know that our life sometimes gets crazy and has lots of outside pressures sometimes from my crazy occupation. You help me remember—in subtle and not so subtle ways—that at the end of the day the only thing that truly matters is loving the people you love. You remind me that no matter what happens in life I am never ever alone!

It is impossible for me to envision a life or world without you. I can’t even think of it. But when I think of the future with you, my heart warms and I smile ear to ear and I am truly happy.

I am so in love with you and so grateful for us!!

And Kim said:

Chris, I never thought I would actually find you, but somehow during a time of such tragic loss, we managed to find each other.

Beyond the gift of finding you, I really never allowed myself to believe that someday we would have the chance to stand before our family and friends and marry each other in New York. I am overjoyed to be standing here with you. I know the tremendous fight of so many that brought us to this moment, so I promise to cherish our marriage and to hold it sacred.

And, in honor of your favorite New York City lions, I promise that I will enter this marriage with patience and with fortitude.

I promise you that no matter where life leads us, I will walk hand in hand with you, by your side. And so long as I live, you will always have my shoulder to rest your head on at the end of the day.

A favorite priest of yours, Father Mychal Judge, preached to “never be afraid to love” and to simply “love each other the best that you can.” I promise to love you, Chris, the best that I possibly can forever and beyond.

After we exchanged rings, Judge Kaye declared, “In accordance with the laws of the State of New York, and the authority that has been vested in me by the people of the State of New York, I pronounce you completely, absolutely and permanently married!” With that, Kim and I kissed, and everyone was on their feet hooting and hollering. We held each other’s hands and looked at each other for a moment. Kim had a huge grin on her face. Then we turned and walked down the aisle holding hands with Bruce Springsteen’s “She’s the One” blaring in the background. It’s a moment I’ll never forget. I had never been happier in my life.

Tom Duane has wisely said, “Marriage changes nothing and it changes everything.” Before marrying Kim, I remember thinking,
How could it change? We’ve been together for eleven years.
But it does change things, because it feels like you’ve added an ingredient to your relationship that makes it more solid, like something added to concrete so it’s stronger and can hold up under greater pressure.

When I think about our wedding and consider the life that Kim and I are building together, it still surprises me that I was ever lucky enough to have a relationship in the first place, and that I could be loved by someone special like Kim, and that she would want to marry me. To be with Kim, to bond over the losses we both experienced, and to be in a relationship that’s fun and good and one that I’m happy about and grateful for—I’m consistently surprised and astonished. Kim gives me a sense of perspective and support, without which I would have been overwhelmed by the bad moments and given up. And with her, the good moments are even better.