With Love (2 page)

“Beautiful,” he whispered.

It was so powerful having our naked bodies touch with his fingers trailing over my naked breasts.

***

I gasped to catch my breath, realizing that I was back in the shower. I grabbed the shower curtain for dear life. I NEEDED OUT!!!

I needed out! I needed to breathe! I shot out of the shower, throwing on any piece of clothing that I could find quickly. I left the hotel and headed outside.

As I walked down one street, I couldn’t get Sam out of my mind. I felt his touch, remembering the tickle on my ear as we laughed when we cuddled on the couch. I felt the waves of his hair lightly on my fingertips as I slightly rubbed them together.

Listening to the sounds of the morning birds, I stopped at a small park where the trees and flowers were still in the midst of blooming.

I sat under the most beautiful oak tree that I have ever seen. The tree had a reddish tone to the evenly spread bark. The roots were somewhat lifted from the ground, and the leaves were only halfway developed. I inhaled, smelling the sweetness of the tree sap. I sat on the ground for a while, watching the people walking by. Some were laughing, some were busy on their phones, and some were playing with their children. I would give anything to have that back.
I miss my children more than anything.

An elderly couple across the street caught my eye. I gazed at them as they were holding hands. She was in her early eighties with her hair all done in a roller set. She was wearing a cotton button shirt with different shades of blue all over and a dark blue pair of pants with a light blue pearl bead necklace. I was intrigued with how well she looked after all this time. While she was feeding the squirrels, her husband just sat back, watching her with love-filled eyes. One could easily tell that he loved her more in that moment than when he said I do on their wedding day.

I sighed and thought,
I wish I had my camera with me.

***

When Sam and I would sit on our front porch, talking about what it would be like growing old together, he always said we would travel the world together to explore new and exciting things. In my heart, I knew he would have been just as happy sitting on our front porch for the next sixty years. That’s the one thing I loved most about Sam. He would always dream with me, and he’d let me go as far as I wanted. I knew he loved watching my eyes light up, thinking about our next adventure together.

A few days later I went to this small coffee shop on the east side of town. I had a medium fresh-ground French-roasted coffee that smelled incredible. I decided to sit outside, facing the beach. I was trying to gather enough courage to take out the yellow envelope that was waiting for me at the bottom of my bag. Inside the envelope were some of the letters that Sam wrote while he was on a six week family vacation to Germany while we were in high school. I finally took them out and began to read them.

***

I’m not even gone, and I miss you like crazy. I was hoping for your little check of necessities since you are a master at packing
.
I wish you were here with me, sitting on my bed watching me pack.

Love,

Sam

Sam always carried my picture in his wallet. He showed me off any chance he got. His distant family would tell him that I was “sehr beautiful,” and he’d reply, “That’s what’s waiting for me back home.”

I’m lying here thinking about the first night we shared the stars. It’s funny how little things remind me of you—like when someone smiles or laughs really loud. I can’t stop thinking about you. You are always the last thing I think about before I go to sleep, my love.

I love you.

Sam

No matter where Sam went people always wanted him to stay and work for them at their farms. Sam always showed so much pride in everything that he did.

Although I am doing a lot here in Germany, you are always on my mind. Love you, honey. I really miss you, and I can’t wait to hold you once again. I will never let you go.

Love,

Sam

xoxo

Sam and I always held a special place in our hearts for our dear friends. No matter where we were, we often thought of them.

Everywhere you look there is beer; this would be paradise for the Fluvanna boys. Honey
,
there are no chocolate factories like you thought. Gotta buy it in the stores, same as home. Boy
,
it sucks not knowing how you are doing or how you are spending your time. The last time I saw you in my truck you said that while I was away our love would grow. You were right.

Later Alligator,

Sam

He didn’t know that I was doing the same as him, writing letters every day.

It didn’t matter where Sam was; he could sleep anywhere and sleep through anything.

I’ve had the best sleep in over a week since we’ve been here. You are in my dream. I dreamt I came home and saw your face. I remember holding your face in between my hands and kissing you. Everything seems to be better, knowing that you are close by.

Love you,

Sam

I missed him so much.

There are certain things—like seeing a couple kissing on the street or others just having fun—that make my heart hit the floor. I’d give anything to hold you right now. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Love,

Sam

Sam never liked being away from home for too long.

They keep playing the same music videos all the time. They really should change things up. It can drive a person crazy.

This is coming from somebody that enjoys listening to Ian Tyson, Johnny Cash, and Charlie Pride, like they are still going strong.

No matter how late it is I can’t stop thinking about you. Only seven more days, my love.

Love,

Sam

The last letter that I got from Sam was the longest.

I got your letter today, and it sent tingles down my spine when I opened it. Thanks for all the jokes and notes about the farm. It’s the most entertaining thing I’ve ever read. As I read your letter, I could hear your laugh. I’m glad that the boys are looking after you and I’m glad you enjoyed the night with them. I left them with the most beloved thing I have, you Uncle Hubert and I got into his liquor
—
with no mix. Needless to say, I got pretty drunk. As the old saying goes,“One more for the road”. After a while, he stopped asking me questions and just, started cheering “beifall, beifall,” and just kept pouring. I told him all about you, and the way you make me feel. He just knotted at me and patted my head because he didn’t know what I was saying. Uncle Hubert does not speak any English. But I think he knows that I am in love. Meine liebe, I love you lots. Oh yeah, lch liebe dich auch viel. Gut nacht, meine liebe.

Love,

Sam

I held the letters more tightly in my hands as my hands were beginning to shake.

My Dearest Sweetheart,

I am writing to you with all my heart. There are a few things you should know. Ever since the day I first saw you, you always stood out from the crowd. You were like an angel that came down from Heaven. You seemed different from all the others. You have such a heart warming smile and laugh, one that can cheer up the gloomiest person. Everywhere you walk, the stars dance around you.

When you are with me, I have a feeling that anything can be accomplished. You are the kind of person that makes the sun shine in the pouring rain. Wherever you walk, flowers bloom. And every time I look at you, your beauty makes me shiver. I think you are the most precious thing that God has ever made. This is how I truly feel. After all this time apart and knowing how I feel, there is only one question a guy like me can ask of a girl like you.

Will you marry me?

With Love,

Sam

During the summer after eleventh grade, Sam already knew that he loved me enough to marry me. The following summer Sam and I prepared to attend different colleges that were three hours away from one another. Before Sam left for college, we got into a really big fight, and we broke up. I don’t remember what even started it. I guess it was because I felt like Sam was leaving me. I never truly felt like I deserved a love like Sam’s. I tried many times to push him away—why he kept coming back was something that I never understood.

Things just don’t matter… because I am absolutely and unconditionally in love with you.

Sam always felt that way. Every time we made love it was like the first time—so soft, so passionate and always so full of love.

Those two years of college went by quickly. Well, looking back it feels that way.

I wish I could be with you every step of the day. What keeps me going, is knowing that eventually that day will come.

Love Forever

Sam xo

As I finished reading the last letter from Sam, I closed the envelope slowly and returned the letters to the bottom of my bag.
I read them…all of them…I read them without losing it.
I grabbed another cup of coffee and headed back to the hotel.

On the way back to the hotel in the late afternoon, I decided that I was not going to eat alone again in my hotel room. I hopped in the shower and shaved my legs since they really haven’t seen a razor in three weeks. They felt so silky and smooth when I finished. I tipped my head forward and blow-dried my hair, so it was soft and fluffy—just the way Sam liked it. I placed a light dust of makeup on, threw on a pair of blue jeans and a dress shirt, and headed downstairs to the hotel restaurant.

When I was waiting to be seated, the whole idea became absurd to me. What was I thinking?! I wasn’t ready to say, “Party for one,” yet. Just as I was about to turn around to go back to my room, someone said “Hi, Alyson.” When I looked up, it was the lady from the front desk.

“Are you joining us in the restaurant this evening?”

“Umm…actually, I was just going back up to my room.”

“Would you be willing to join me for dinner? I’m off work now. I would like to change into my jeans though.”

“I wouldn’t want to interrupt your evening,” I said with my head slightly lowered, looking at the ground.

“I was going to have dinner here anyway before heading home. Please join me,” she said while softly placing her hand on mine.

I looked around, and then smiled. “That would be nice.”

“I’ll show you to our seats, and then I’ll go change quickly.” When we reached our table she smiled. “Our waitress will be right with you.”

As I waited, I fidgeted with my napkin on my lap, keeping my eyes on the table the whole time. I could just imagine how many people were looking at me—the table for one. It didn’t take the front desk lady very long to change. I was so relieved. I looked up when she was taking a seat, I smiled and said, “Thanks for asking me to join you.”  She smiled back then formally introduced herself as Meg.

We had a light conversation at dinner. She told me how her father and mother owned the establishment and how she pretty much grew up in the hotel. Meg had the funniest stories about the staff and the things she got away with as a teenager. We talked mostly about the weather. I told her about the beautiful park I went to a few days earlier and how much it reminded me of the parks we have back home.

Meg talked about shopping at a little boutique just around the corner and suggested that I should go check it out. “It’s kinda hidden, so it is a peaceful, quiet environment to shop in.”

I told her thanks and that maybe I will. She also asked how much longer I was staying. For some strange reason, I told her just a few more days. Honestly, it came out before I even really thought about it.

As we finished up dessert, I couldn’t help think,
Thank you so much for not asking me a lot of questions
. It was nice not to see pity in her eyes. As I went to grab the bill—the least I could for her for not asking and prying answers out of me—she took it from me.

Meg smiled. “I’ve got this one.”

***

That was something Sam was really good at—grabbing the bill before it even had a chance to touch the table. Some days I wondered if he had magical powers. I remembered one time when he and I both paid for the bill. On the way home, we discovered that the waitress ended up with a pretty big tip. Man, did Sam ever laugh— I didn’t think it was funny at all, considering how she flirted with him all night.

***

I thanked her again and then went up to my room. As I went inside, it felt more comfortable. I didn’t feel so alone.

The next morning I woke up to discover the sun was nowhere to be found. I could hear little raindrops hitting against the window. It was so peaceful, watching the water droplets hit against the sand.

After getting dressed, I went downstairs to grab some breakfast. When I was getting a cup of coffee and the newspaper, I noticed a younger woman crying about the weather to her girlfriends. It didn’t take me long to realize that today was her wedding day.

***

When Sam and I got married, it was a cold November day. I hardly slept the night before because I was reminiscing about my childhood.

My mom said how blessed I was to have someone that loved me as much as Sam did. “When he looks at you, Ally, you are his whole world. That kind of love comes once in a lifetime. Protect that with all your heart.”

I never really understood what she meant until that frightful afternoon. One could say that I took advantage of Sam’s love. I thought that he’d be here with me forever.

***

After breakfast, the sun began to peek through the clouds. When I stepped outside, it was a gloriously warm. I walked down the street to check out that little boutique that Meg was talking about. She was right; it was peaceful and quiet. They had some really neat things—beautiful sounding wind chimes, outdoor wall art, and some of the most outrageous paintings that I have ever seen. I bought a few pieces.