Witch Is When I Said Goodbye (A Witch P.I. Mystery Book 10) (7 page)

Chapter 7

I was back to square one with the knitting circle case. If the murderer wasn’t Arthur Crowsfoot, then who was it?

Suddenly, Mrs V came rushing into my office. She looked panic-stricken.

“Mrs V? Are you okay? Don’t tell me another one of your knitting circle has been murdered?”

“No, thank goodness.”

“What is it then?”

“I’m so sorry. With all the upset, I completely forgot to tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

“I should have remembered.”

“It’s okay. But what exactly did you forget to tell me?”

“There was a telephone message for you. Late last night, after you left. They said that a tax inspector would be coming to see you this morning.”

Oh bum!

“She’s here now. I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t give it another thought, Mrs V. You’ve had much more important things on your mind.”

I hated all things tax—especially paying them. But why would a tax inspector want to see me now? I was up-to-date with my filings as far as I was aware. Maybe, if I climbed out of the window, walked along the ledge, and then climbed through one of the windows into Armitage, Armitage, Armitage and Poole, I might be able to avoid her. Or I could just make myself invisible?

But what would that achieve? Those people never gave up; she’d keep coming back until she caught me. I might as well get it over and done with.

“You’d better show her in, please.”

I took a deep breath and hoped for the best. And then, in walked my neighbour, Betty Longbottom. I’d totally forgotten she was a tax inspector. Suddenly, things didn’t seem quite so bad. Betty and I were friends, and I’d helped her out of a tight spot with the police, so she wouldn’t do anything to hurt me or my business. What a stroke of luck!

“Hi, Betty.”

“Miss Longbottom, if you don’t mind.”

“Sorry?”

“I’m here in my official capacity as a tax inspector, so I’d be grateful if you would address me as Miss Longbottom.”

“Are you kidding?” She didn’t answer, but I could tell by her expression that she wasn’t. “Okay,
Miss Longbottom
. Would you care to take a seat?”

“Thank you.” She sniffed the air. “Is it my imagination? Or is there a very strong smell of cat in here?”

“He’s over there.” I pointed to Winky who was resting after his latest semaphore class. “He doesn’t smell.” Much.

“Hmm?” She screwed up her nose.

Mrs V came back into my office; she was carrying a small pile of scarves.

“I forgot to ask you, young lady. Would you care for a scarf? I have all colours and sizes. I have socks too, if you’d prefer those?”

“I’m not allowed to accept gifts of any kind. It’s against the rules. Tax inspection is a very sensitive area. It’s essential that we’re seen to be squeaky clean.”

I almost choked. Betty Longbottom—
squeaky clean
? This was the woman who’d been shoplifting as a hobby for years; the woman who had an Aladdin’s cave of stolen goods in her apartment, and who’d asked me to rescue her from the police when she’d been caught red-handed. It was only because I’d used magic to hide the contraband that she’d got away with it. Now, she had the audacity to sit there, and say that she couldn’t accept a scarf because it might be seen as a bribe! The two-faced little madam!

Mrs V backed out of the room.

“So what is it that you want, Bet—err, Miss Longbottom?”

“We’ve had reports, Miss Gooder.”

“What kind of reports?”

“Reports that you’re paying your staff
off the books
.”

“How do you mean,
‘off the books’
? And anyway, I don’t have any staff.”

“What about the woman out there; the woman with the scarves?”

“That’s Mrs V. She’s not really staff. She’s—well, I suppose
in theory
she’s my P.A.”

“What’s that if it’s not staff?”

“Basically, Mrs V just knits all day.”

“But she does answer the phone?”

“Occasionally. If she’s not knitting anything too complicated.”

“And she does greet people when they arrive?”

“I suppose so. She usually offers them a scarf or a pair of socks.”

“How much do you pay her?”

“Nothing.”

“Come, Miss Gooder. Do you really expect me to believe that? Who in their right mind would work for you for nothing?”

“I don’t ask her to work for nothing.”

“So you
do
pay her?”

“No.”

“Do you pay her under the table?”

“I don’t pay her
under
the table,
on top
of the table or
behind
the table. I don’t pay her at all. She chooses to come here because she’d rather do that than stay home alone.”

Betty gave me a sceptical look. This could turn nasty. No one was ever going to believe that Mrs V came to work without pay. It was far more likely that they’d think I was paying her ‘cash-in-hand’ so as to avoid tax.

I had to kill this investigation quickly, and the best way to do that was to remind Betty that she owed me a favour.

“By the way, Miss Longbottom, did you have a clear-out yet?”

“Sorry?”

“Those items in your spare bedroom; the ones that the police were interested in?”

“I’m not here to discuss my personal affairs, Miss Gooder. I’m here to discuss whether or not you are defrauding the tax office.”

“Oh, okay. I just assumed you’d prefer no one found out about that.”

“You’re not threatening me, are you, Miss Gooder?”

“Of course not. Because that would be a very serious offence. No threats involved here.”

“I think the only way to resolve this matter is for me to speak with your accountant.”

Hold on just a doggone minute. Betty knew full well that Luther was my accountant. She must have heard he was no longer in a relationship. All this was just a clever ploy, so that I’d arrange for her to meet with him. The crafty little madam!

“You want to meet with Luther?”

“Is
he
your accountant?” She feigned surprise. “I hadn’t realised.”

Yeah right! This woman could lie for England.

“I’m sure you hadn’t. I’ll have a word with him, and ask him to contact you. What’s your office phone number?”

“It would probably be easier to get him to call at my flat.”

I bet.

“But surely, you want to keep this official, Miss Longbottom?”

“I’m not investigating Luther—err—I mean Mr Stone, so it will be okay.”

“I just bet it will.”

“Sorry?”

“I said, I’ll be happy to ask him to get in touch with you.”

“Good.” She stood up. “Hopefully, he’ll be able to resolve this issue to my satisfaction.”

“I’m sure Luther will do his best to satisfy you.”

At least she had the good grace to blush as she left.

What a conniving little minx!

After Betty had gone, Mrs V came into my office.

“I’m sorry about that, Jill. I forgot all about it.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Is there a problem?”

“Hopefully not. She actually lives in the same block of flats as me.”

“Who? The tax inspector woman?”

“Yes, we’re meant to be friends.”

“She didn’t act very friendly.”

“I know. I’ve helped her out on a number of occasions, and yet all she’s ever done in return is attack me with sea creatures, and now go after my taxes.”

“Sea creatures?”

“It’s a long story. I won’t bore you with it.”

***

I’d had a phone call from Pearl. She’d asked me to meet her and Amber straight away outside Bar Electra in Candlefield town centre. What were those two up to this time? Nothing good, I’d wager.

I magicked myself over there.

“What’s going on?”

“Shush!” Amber put a finger to her lips. “Look who’s in there.”

Seated at the bar was Sebastian who for once was alone.

“We have a cunning plan.” Amber grinned.

Oh dear.

“You two wait here,” Pearl said. “I’m going in.”

Amber and I stayed outside and watched. Sebastian greeted Pearl with a smile and a peck on the cheek, as she sat on the stool next to him.

“What’s going on Amber?” I whispered.

“I called him earlier, and told him that I’d meet him here. He thinks Pearl is me.”

“Let me get this straight. He thinks that’s you in there?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, so what happens next?”

“Just watch.”

It was Amber’s turn to walk into the bar. As she did, I cast the ‘listen’ spell, so I could hear what was being said. She walked straight up to Sebastian and Pearl.

“Sebastian! How could you!” I had no idea Amber was such an accomplished actor. “What are you doing with Pearl?”

He looked at the twin who was sitting next to him. “Pearl? But, I thought you were Amber.”

“Why did you arrange to meet Amber?” Pearl said. “I thought you and I were an item?”

“Wait a minute!” Amber interrupted. “I thought you and I were seeing one another?”

“I—err—you—err—I.” He glanced back and forth between the two of them. The twins had him totally flustered.

While he was still in a state of confusion, Amber picked up his drink, and poured it over his head. Pearl did likewise with her drink. When the two of them came out of the bar, they were both red in the face from laughing.

“That’ll teach him to cheat on us.” Pearl sounded indignant.

“Yes. It’s terrible what he did,” Amber said.

How very self-righteous the two of them were. And how very two-faced! Apparently, the fact that both of them had been cheating on their fiancés didn’t count.

***

Back in Washbridge, I’d just climbed into my car when my phone rang. It was Mrs V.

“Jill, have you heard?”

“Heard what?”

“They’ve arrested Wanda Moore for the murders.”

“Are you sure?”

“It was on the news just now.”

“Right. I’ll try to get hold of Tom Hawk to find out exactly what’s happened.”

I made the call, and remarkably got through to him first time.

“Jill, you and I can’t keep flirting like this. Jack will think I’m taking advantage while he’s away.”

I wasn’t in the mood for his humour—if that’s what it was.

“Tom, I understand there’s been an arrest in the knitting circle murders.”

“There has. It’s not a secret. It’s been on the news.”

“Wanda Moore?”

“That’s right. Look, what I’m about to tell you has to be completely off the record. Okay?”

“Yes, of course.”

“We found a typewriter in her basement, and the letter ‘O’ matches the ‘O’ on the notes that were found next to the victims. It looks like this particular case is closed. There’s nothing more for you to do.”

“Have you charged her yet?”

“No, but it’s likely that we will very soon.”

“Okay, thanks. Look, while I’ve got you on the phone, is there any word on what’s happening with Jack?”

“It’s still with Internal Affairs, as far as I know.”

“It’s taking forever.”

“These things always do.”

“Isn’t there anything you can do to help?”

“Me?” He laughed. “Internal Affairs work to their own timetable. Nothing I or anyone else says or does will change that.”

“Okay. Thanks anyway.”

Who were these Internal Affairs people, and why did they work at a sloth-like pace?

Once I was back home, I went over the knitting circle murders in my mind again. I’d had my own suspicions about Wanda Moore as soon as she told me that her late husband used to work in the office equipment business. And, I’d thought it was strange that she’d never had a typewriter. Surely, it was the sort of thing her late husband might have brought home from time to time. It turns out that she’d been lying all along. Perhaps I should have pursued it further. Maybe, I should have found a way to search her house. But it didn’t matter now. The police had come through on this one without my help. Now they had the typewriter with the faulty key, they had their murderer.

Case closed.

Chapter 8

Winky’s ears pricked up as though he’d heard something, and then he hissed. A few moments later, I heard something too. It took a few moments for me to realise what it was—the sound of someone giggling. Were the twins playing some kind of prank on me? Were they hiding somewhere? There was nowhere in the office for them to hide unless they’d made themselves invisible.

“Pearl? Amber? I know you’re here. Stop messing around.”

But it was the colonel who appeared. On his arm was Priscilla—the source of the giggling.

I cleared my throat. It was the only way I could get their attention; they were so busy gazing into one another’s eyes.

“Whoops.” The colonel said. “Sorry, Jill.”

“Yes, sorry.” Priscilla giggled again.

“I take it you two are now an item?”

“Very much so.” The colonel beamed. “All thanks to you and Darlene. We thought we should pop in to tell you how grateful we are.”

“Yes, thanks ever so much, Jill.” Priscilla gushed. “I would never have dared to approach Briggsy myself.”

Briggsy? Oh, dear.

“It’s a pity you don’t have a young man, Jill.” The colonel said. “Isn’t there anyone special?”

“Despite what my mother may have told you, I am actually seeing someone.”

At least, I thought I was.

“That’s great news. Anyone I know?”

“A detective. He worked on the Vicars case, and on—” I bit my tongue just in time.

“My murder?” He smiled. “It’s okay, you’re allowed to say it.”

“Sorry that was a little insensitive.”

“Was it love at first sight?” Priscilla interjected. “Like me and Briggsy?”

“Not exactly. It was more hate at first sight. But things have improved a lot since then.”

“There’s something else I need to speak to you about, Jill.” The colonel’s tone was much more serious now. He turned to Priscilla. “Would you mind, Cilla?”

“Not at all, Briggsy.” She giggled again, and then disappeared.

“Cilla and Briggsy?” I laughed. “Really, Colonel?”

“I know. If the men who served under me ever find out, I’ll be in for a lot of ribbing.”

“I think it’s sweet.”

“Anyway, as I was saying, there’s something important I need to tell you, and I’d rather Cilla didn’t hear this.”

“Is something wrong?”

“I fear it might be. Earlier today, I happened to overhear something in Ghost Town. Something rather disconcerting.”

“About what?”

“About you.”

“Me? Why would anyone be talking about me in Ghost Town?”

“It’s related to the murder of Edna Vicars. Do you remember that thug who was put away for his part in the jewel heist?”

“How could I forget him? What did he call himself? Battery?”

“Yes, that’s him. Apparently, another prisoner took a dislike to him, and stabbed him. He’s dead.”

“I had no idea.”

“Murdered in his cell. And he blames you.”

“Blames? As in, present tense?”

“He’s now a resident of Ghost Town. A friend of mine overheard him mention your name. It seems he blames you for getting him locked up in the first place, and he’s hell-bent on revenge. I thought I’d better let you know.”

“Right, thanks for the heads up, Colonel.”

At least now I knew where the gravestone ornament had come from.

“If I hear anything else, I’ll let you know, Jill.”

“Okay, thanks very much.”

As if things weren’t bad enough. I already had TDO after my blood—now I was being targeted by a ghost too.

***

After what the colonel had just told me, I thought I’d better have a word with Mad. Rather than ask her to come to the office, I decided to pop into the library.

There was no sign of her behind the reception desk. The woman who was sitting there, looked at me over her glasses as though I was something the cat had dragged in. According to her badge she was the
‘Senior Librarian’
.

“Excuse me,” I said.

“Yes, how can I help?”

“I’m looking for Madeline.”

She rolled her eyes. “Madeline? She could be
anywhere
. That girl is a liability. I’ve no idea why she was given this job.
I
had no say in it.”

“So, you don’t know where she is?”

“No. As I said, she could be anywhere.”

“But she is in today, is she?”

“Oh yes, she’s in. I saw her first thing this morning, but I haven’t seen anything of her since then. I suppose it’s too much to expect her to do any work.”

I had a sneaking suspicion that this woman was not Mad’s biggest fan.

I walked up and down the aisles of bookshelves looking for Mad, but there was no sign of her. I was just about to give up when I heard a noise that seemed to come from behind a door at the far end of the library. Then I heard something fall onto the floor; it sounded like a tin can.

The door wasn’t locked so I sneaked inside. It was obviously some kind of store room. And there was Mad. She was holding what appeared to be a small crossbow. In front of her, lined up on a shelf, were a number of empty drinks cans.

“Mad?”

She jumped. “Jill, you scared me to death. I didn’t hear you come in.”

“Sorry. What on earth are you up to?”

“I was bored, so I thought I’d have a bit of target practice.”

“Surely you don’t use that thing against rogue ghosts?”

“This toy? No, of course not, but it helps to keep my eye in. I use a G-gun when I’m ghost hunting, but I can hardly use that in here.”

“Don’t you get in trouble for hiding away, and using a crossbow?”

“Not so far. To be honest, I think Anita is just glad to get me out of the way. I’m a bit of a liability out there.”

“Anita?”

“The Senior Librarian.”

“Right. I just met her.”

“Laugh a minute, isn’t she?”

“She seems to take herself rather seriously.”

“Tell me about it.”

“By the way, what happened with Troy?”

Troy was Mad’s ex. He’d come in search of her, and I’d managed to stall him while Mad made her getaway.

“He caught up with me at my mum’s place.”

“Is he still trying to persuade you to go back to London with him?”

“No. I scared him off.”

“How did you manage that?”

“It was remarkably easy, as it happens. I told him that I was a librarian. That was enough to put him off me for life. He said he preferred sexy Mad rather than boring librarian Madeline. To be honest, I do too, but I didn’t tell him that. Anyway what brings you here?”

“I’ve got a bit of a ghost-related problem, and I hoped you might be able to help.”

“I will, if I can. What’s up?”

“There’s this guy—well ghost, really. He goes by the nickname of Battery.”

“Battery? Seriously?”

“Afraid so. His real name is Joseph Truman. He was arrested as a result of a murder investigation I was working on. He wasn’t implicated in the murder, but he was sent down for an unrelated incident. It seems that while he was in prison, he was murdered by another prisoner. Anyway, I’ve just had a visit from the ghost of an old friend, Colonel Briggs. He was murdered recently too.”

“People seem to drop like flies around you.”

“I know. The colonel popped in to see me because he’d heard rumours that Battery is out for revenge. He wants me dead, apparently. And the other day, I found a parcel on my desk, which contained a small ornament—a gravestone with my name on it.”

“Charming. And you think this Battery guy left it there?”

“Mrs V is adamant that no one came into the office to deliver it. And Winky confirmed that he hadn’t seen anyone either. So, yeah. I think it must have been Battery’s ghost.”

“Okay. I’ll make some enquiries in Ghost Town to see what I can find out, and I’ll get back to you.”

“Thanks, Mad. Can I have a go with the crossbow?”

***

“Do I have to go?” I groaned.

“Yes you do.” Kathy was as uncompromising as ever.

“How long will it last?”

“I don’t know, Jill. Three hours, probably.”

It was the night of the talent competition. I’d only promised to go because Lizzie was taking part. I hadn’t realised that it was open to all ages. The prospect of watching three hours of talent-less people was enough to make me weep.

“Where is Lizzie anyway?” I said, as we made our way to the community hall.

“Pete took her earlier. The contestants have to be there an hour before the competition starts.”

“If she’s one of the first on, can we leave after we’ve seen her?”

“No, we can’t. We’re going to stay until the very end.”

“That could be days away.”

“Is there anything you don’t complain about, Jill?”

“Custard creams.”

The community hall was absolutely heaving with people. They must all have been friends and relatives of the contestants. Either that or they’d been taken there at gun point.

What? Why else would any sane person be there?

The first two acts were beyond bad. So far beyond that it wasn’t even funny. When the third act came on stage, I recognised the three women immediately. Not so very long ago, they had appeared in my office, wearing the same sparkly leotards, and had tried to recruit me.

“Please welcome your next act on stage. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for The Coven,” the compere said.

The three women broke into a dance routine. It was different from the one they’d performed for me, and to be honest, it was much better. They’d obviously spent a lot of time on their choreography, but I couldn’t help but wonder if they actually had any time left for seeking out and destroying TDO.

At the end of their routine, they all got down on one knee, then jumped up one by one, and shouted, “We. Are. The Coven.”

I turned to Kathy. “I could have been the ‘The’.”

“What?”

“This dance troupe came to my office, and tried to recruit me.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” She laughed for some unknown reason. “Why would anyone ask you to join their dance troupe?”

“It’s true.”

“You can’t dance.”

“Obviously
they
think I can. That’s why they wanted me to be the ‘The.’”

“What do you mean: be the ‘The’?”

“Did you see the finale just now? Where one of the women got up and said, ‘We’, the next one got up and said, ‘Are’, and the last one got up and said, ‘The Coven.’”

“Yes, I thought it was very effective.”

“They felt it would be even better if instead of having one person say ‘The Coven’, they would let me say ‘The’, and someone else say ‘Coven’. I was to be the ‘The’.”

Kathy shook her head. “Sometimes I worry about you, Jill.”

Thirty minutes later, Lizzie came on stage. I’d never actually heard my niece sing before—trust me, I would have remembered. On a scale of nought to ten, she was beyond awful. Imagine a cat being attacked by a violin, and you have some idea of how bad she was. I had to do something to help, so I cast a spell, which affected everyone in the hall. Instead of hearing Lizzie’s screeching, they heard a beautiful voice. The whole audience was captivated. When Lizzie had finished, everyone stood up and applauded. Lizzie looked absolutely thrilled as she ran off the stage.

At the end of the evening, the awards were announced. Lizzie didn’t place in the overall competition, but she came first in the ‘eight years and under’ section—much to her and Kathy’s delight.

“Well done, Lizzie.”

“Thanks, Auntie Jill.”

“Yes, well done, you.” Kathy hugged her daughter.

“I’d like to enter some more competitions, Mummy.”

“That’s a great idea.” Kathy beamed. “We’ll keep an eye open for other competitions in Washbridge or maybe even a bit further afield. I think you could have a future in music. What do you think, Auntie Jill?”

I just smiled. What was I meant to say? I could hardly tell them that in the next competition Lizzie entered, she’d probably be booed off the stage, unless I happened to be around to use magic on the audience again.

As Kathy and Lizzie were collecting their coats, I bumped into The Coven girls who had come a very creditable third in the overall competition.

“Hello again, you three.”

“Oh hi, Jill,” Brenda said. “Did you catch our act?”

“I did. It was very good. You’ve obviously been working on your routines.”