Wishes and Tears (18 page)

‘And what did they have to say to that?'

‘That I would have to go to the welfare office.'

‘And did you?'

Janet nodded.

‘And?' said Freda, eagerly sitting forward.

‘I had to fill in a form and send it back to them, including my marriage certificate.'

‘Well, you could easily get one of those.'

‘How?'

‘Marry Danny, of course.'

‘Don't start on that again. Besides, he's got that Tina on his arm now.'

‘Yer, but how long will that last?'

‘I think he's quite serious.'

‘One good thing - she don't have to worry about getting pregnant, not with this 'ere pill everyone's talking about.' Freda continued stirring her frothy coffee.

‘Don't you like Tina?'

‘I think she's great. Charlie likes her and she does enjoy a good laugh. Just so long as she's not leading Danny on or is after his money.'

‘I think Danny's too wise to fall for anyone like that.'

‘I hope so.'

‘Would you go on the pill?'

‘Wouldn't have to.'

‘Why's that?'

Freda sat back. ‘Funny, ain't it? Me mum could have 'em like shelling peas. I have one and muck up me works.'

‘I didn't know that.'

‘I only found out after I went for tests. We wanted a kid and nothing happened. Charlie said it wasn't him. That's when they told me.'

‘I'm really sorry,' said Janet with genuine concern. ‘Was Charlie very upset about it?'

‘You should know Charlie be now. He don't get upset about anything; takes it all in his stride. He just said what is to be will be and left it at that. Except he was bloody annoyed at all the money he'd spent on French letters.' She laughed.

‘It's still sad, though,' said Janet.

‘Got over it now.' Freda continued drinking her coffee, but Janet could see it still distressed her to talk about it.

 

It was a chance remark in the staff cloakroom one lunchtime that excited Janet and sent her looking for Paula in another direction.

‘Which one of you is getting married on Saturday?' asked Janet to a bunch of giggling juniors.

‘Me,' said a girl with the new short hairstyle.

‘Are you having a white wedding?'

‘No. Well, yes, in a way. Me mum ain't very pleased about it.'

‘Why's that, are you ... you know ... ?'

All the girls laughed.

‘No, nothing like that,' said the bride-to-be. ‘It's just that my Wayne's a teddy boy and I've got this smashing little white mini and white boots, and we're getting hitched in the register office over at Southwark. Wayne's sister used to work there. Mum wanted me to have it in the church, but we ain't like that.'

Janet stopped applying her make-up and looked at the girl. ‘That must have been a very interesting job your future sister-in-law had.'

‘Dunno, never asked her.'

‘What did she do?'

‘Just filled in forms, I think. Something to do with births and deaths.'

‘It must be real sad having people sitting telling you about someone who's died,' said one of her friends.

‘Dunno, didn't ask.'

‘I live near there. What time are you getting married?' asked Janet.

‘Eleven.'

‘I'll come and wish you luck.'

 

‘I'm changing my job,' said Janet out of the blue to Freda on Saturday as they wandered around the shops.

‘So where you off to?'

‘I'm going to work in Southwark's register office.'

‘Is it a good job?'

‘I don't know.'

‘You'll miss your discounts.'

‘I don't care about that.'

‘What's brought this on? You've been in that office for years.'

‘I know. I feel I need a change.' Janet felt she had to tell her the real reason. ‘Freda, I might be able to find out who adopted Paula.'

‘What? You're becoming obsessed with this bloody thing. First you move to Southwark, now you're going to work there. I hope you're getting good money. Don't forget you've got a mortgage to worry about.'

‘I know that.'

‘I tell you, Jan, you'll finish up like some silly old maid that's gone out of her mind over something that happened in the past,' said Freda. ‘You'll end up like that potty woman in that film, you know, the one with John Mills in.'

‘Thanks. I think you mean like Miss Havisham in
Great Expectations.'

‘If you say so. What if you do find out about Paula - do you think they want you interfering in their lives?'

‘Don't start on that again.'

‘She's what, eight, now?'

‘Nine.'

‘So they might have all moved away. They might even have gone abroad, there's a lot going to Australia now.'

‘You're a right wet blanket.'

‘I'm only saying.'

‘Well, at least I might be able to find out her name,' said Janet defiantly.

‘And what good will that do?'

‘It's a start.'

‘You ain't gonner give up, are you?'

‘Never.'

 

Janet was nervous on her first day at her new job. The building was Victorian and from the outside looked elegant and overbearing, and inside, with the grand staircase and stained-glass window, it had an air of elegance and forboding. The staff seemed friendly enough and were eager to show her her duties in the typing room. At the end of the first week she felt more relaxed and was able to ask a few questions.

‘Are all the birth certificates kept here?' she casually asked Helen, a fellow worker, in their tea break.

‘Most of 'em.'

Janet had to be on her guard and choose her words carefully. She didn't want to arouse any suspicions.

‘A lot of stuff goes on to Somerset House for storage,' volunteered Helen.

‘Oh, I see. I bet they get musty.'

‘Them that's kept in the basement do, and damp. It's so bloody cold down there in the winter. I hate it when I'm sent down there to look for something. You could be in there for days and the spiders are as big as me hand.' She shuddered. ‘It musta been really awful in the war when they had to go down there if there was a raid on.'

‘It might have saved a lot of lives.'

‘Yer. Even so, I reckon old sourpuss knows what I think of it and that's why she always seems to pick on me.'

Janet could hardly contain herself. How could she get into the basement? Spiders and the cold wouldn't put her off!

Old sourpuss was the name the girls had given the supervisor, Miss Wilson, a tall thin woman in her mid-forties, who stood very upright and peered over her half-glasses at the girls under her.

Every time she came into the room holding a slip of paper, she would glance around, her sharp eyes seeking out one of the girls to send her off to the basement to look for something that was wanted. Janet was always hoping to catch her eye. She had to find out more about the layout of the floors below. But she had to bide her time.

 

Two months later Janet took her Mini to Danny's to be serviced.

‘Got some good news,' he said when Janet walked into his office. ‘I'm marrying Tina.'

‘I'm so pleased for you,' said Janet, throwing her arms round his neck and kissing his cheek. ‘She's a nice girl.'

‘She's up the duff.'

Janet laughed. ‘I never thought you'd get caught.'

Danny smiled. ‘I don't mind really. She's not a bad looker.'

‘She's lovely.' She liked Tina and they'd got on well on the few occasions they had met. She was good fun and good for Danny.

‘Yer. It was that blonde hair and baby blue eyes that did it, not to mention those lovely long legs. She was the greatest thing to walk into me office, but I never thought I'd end up marrying her.'

Janet laughed again. ‘I'm really very happy for you. When's the great day?'

‘Can't leave it too long. She wants a white wedding and all the trimmings.'

‘And why not?'

‘We thought in August, August the eighth. She shouldn't be that big be then.'

‘When's the baby due?'

‘Beginning of February.'

‘My birthday's in February.'

‘When?'

‘The nineteenth.'

‘I'll tell her to make it then.'

‘I can't see you as a dad.'

‘Why not? I'll make a very good dad.'

‘I'm sure you will.'

‘I'm taking her to Jersey for our honeymoon.'

‘Lucky old Tina, but does she know what she's letting herself in for?'

‘Don't worry, she keeps me in check. It's her family that I'm scared of.'

‘You, scared? I never thought I'd hear that.'

‘No, they're not bad really. Just keeping an eye on Tina.'

‘You can't blame them.'

Danny straightened his tie. ‘Mind you, if you'd played your cards right it could have been you.'

‘I am very fond of you, Danny, but I don't think I would like to spend all the rest of my days with you.'

‘Fair enough. But you and Freda and Charlie will come to the wedding.'

‘Just you try and keep us away.'

 

It was a few days later that Janet got the chance to go to the register office basement.

Miss Wilson walked in and looked around as usual, holding a slip of paper.

Janet held her breath and smiled sweetly at her.

‘Miss Perrin, you could take Miss Slater with you to help you,' she said, handing the paper to Helen.

Janet jumped up.

Helen sighed as she took the note from Miss Wilson.

‘And don't take all day,' they heard her call as they left the room.

Their high heels clattered down the stone stairs. With every step it got colder, and Helen's face got longer.

Helen pushed open the large door and switched on the light. A single lightbulb, hanging from the ceiling on a brown flex, lit up the room. It cast eerie shadows round and the room felt chilly and dismal. The walls had water stains running down them and Janet was sure stalactites were beginning to form on the brick ceiling.

Her heart sank as she stood and looked at the rows and rows of shelves lining the walls. They were full of boxes and bundles of paper tied up with different coloured tape. Metal filing cabinets with deep drawers filled one wall along with the cobwebs that hung like curtains. In the middle was a large table. You could see where people had put the boxes by the marks left in the dust.

‘Where do you start?' she asked.

‘You wouldn't believe it but this lot are in years, then in quarters.'

‘What name are we looking for?'

‘Miller. It's a death certificate.' She looked at the paper. ‘Dated June the sixth 1949. The bloke who's asked for it probably wants to find out if he's been left a fortune.'

‘Are all the birth certificates in here as well?'

‘Those from this parish are in the other part of the basement.'

‘So what do we have? You know, the ones we have at home?'

‘Dunno. Think they might be copies.'

Helen began looking and pulling out different boxes.

Janet began wandering along the shelves.

‘You're supposed to be helping me,' shouted Helen. ‘Now start by going through this lot.' She threw a bundle of folders on to the table, making the dust fly.

Janet began looking through them, but her mind was elsewhere. Was Paula's birth certificate somewhere down here? Where were her adoption papers? Was she still called Paula or had they changed her first name? She wanted to ask Helen about adoption papers but she had to gain her confidence first. She felt sick with anticipation. She was so near, but at the same time her mission still appeared to be an impossible task.

How could she get down here alone?

The sun was shining and everybody was in a happy mood when Tina, looking lovely, walked down the aisle. The long train on her dress was held up by the two smallest of the six bridesmaids. Their dresses were a delicate shade of blue. Although Tina only had one sister there were plenty of cousins, and she had told Janet that she dare not offend anyone.

Freda and Janet were quietly shedding a tear.

‘What are you crying about?' asked Janet, keeping her voice very low.

‘Thinking about the wedding we didn't have. What about you?'

‘The same. But you did get married.'

‘Just about.'

For a moment or two they held each other's hands and, after giving them a squeeze, exchanged smiles.

The reception was on a grand scale. Janet met Danny's parents, who were quiet and very nice. Tina's parents were real cockneys, very loud, and determined to enjoy themselves.

‘'Allo, love,' said Tina's mother, plonking herself next to Janet. ‘It's Jan, ain't it?'

‘Yes.'

‘I'm all outta breath. Still, I do like a dance.' She was a rather large lady. ‘My Tine tells me you're a friend of young Danny?'

‘Yes, I've known him for years. I'm very fond of him.'

‘I'm pleased about that. Got a lovely house. She's done all right. Pity she's up the duff, but just as long as he looks after her that's all I worry about. And Gawd help him if he don't. As you can see we're a large family.'