Wiser (18 page)

“Perfect,” I said into his ear.

He turned around to rinse the rest of the soap off of him while grabbing the bar to help me wash up, and my eyes fell on his pectoral. I stopped breathing, staring at the tattoo there. An eagle. Right over his heart.

Just like Jake.

“So I was thinking that we could skip work today,” Dan was saying, not paying attention to what held my rapt attention as he worked the soap over my shoulders and back, hugging me to him. “We could go see an opera or something. It’s been a while for me. You wouldn’t believe the sets and costumes for these kinds of things. Or I heard there was a new exhibit at the Museum of Modern Art. I know we’ve been twice already, but I can’t get enough of it.”

When Dan pushed me gently away from him to soap up my front, he realized I hadn’t been listening, still staring at that tattoo like it was going to fly off his chest and claw my eyes out.

“Everything okay?” he asked, his voice soft.

I looked into his eyes. “What does your tattoo mean?” I asked, trying to keep my voice light and failing miserably.

He looked away before seeming to have to force himself to meet my eyes.

“It was something my brother and I got together,” he said, his dark eyes sad on so many levels. “We had kind of a rough childhood, and it was to remind us that we were always free inside our hearts, no matter where we were.”

“He told me it was so he’d be free with his heart,” I said, staring hard at Dan. “Or something like that.”

“Jake likes to change it every time anyone asks.” Dan’s smile was too sad to be a smile. “I’m sorry, Blue.”

“How long did you know that I’d been with your brother?” I asked, shivering even though the water was delightfully warm.

“Since the beginning,” Dan said. “I’m sorry. I went to the nightclub because he said there was a girl there that was giving him trouble. I only wanted to see who you were, see what was going on, see if I could help my brother at all.”

“And are you?” I demanded. “Are you helping your brother, Dan?”

“I saw you,” he said, “and you were the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on. You were so sad, and I knew that I should be helping you instead of my brother. He’s a womanizer, baby, and when you told me that he’d gotten you pregnant and wasn’t answering your calls, it broke my heart.”

I shook my head, harder and harder until Dan gently put his hands on either side of it to stop me.

“Blue ….”

“You lied to me,” I said. “I’ve never, never lied to you. Ever. I’ve told you every shitty, stupid, embarrassing detail of my life.”

It was true. As we’d gotten to know each other, I’d shared with Dan everything about Mama’s nightclub, about when I first got to New York, and about my life in Tennessee—even the horrifying way I’d left the state. Full disclosure. That was my motto. Don’t make a judgment before you know all the details.

But it made me realize that I’d never really known anything about Dan. Including this bombshell—that he wasn’t the father to the baby inside me. He was its uncle.

Dan was Jake’s brother. It made me reel. Suddenly, the shower was too hot. The steam was making me dizzy. I couldn’t be in there another second.

“Gotta throw up,” I managed to say before crashing out of the shower and falling to my knees by the toilet, heaving up everything I’d eaten yesterday.

Dan knelt beside me, pushing my wet hair out of my face, keeping it away from the stream of vomit I was shooting into the toilet. I’d never felt so vulnerable, crouched there, naked, and spewing my guts out. How could I trust him with anything if he’d hidden this from me?

“I didn’t know how to tell you, Blue,” Dan was saying, his voice broken. “I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have hid it from you. But I didn’t know what else to do.”

I shook my hand and leaned back from the toilet, sitting heavily on the concrete floor. Reaching up, I yanked a towel down from the rack to cover my nakedness.

“I told you everything,” I repeated. “I just don’t understand why you did this, Dan.”

“When I saw you at the nightclub, I fell in love with you,” Dan said. “I’m sorry, Blue. That’s the truth. I knew my brother had been with you, knew that he’d put the baby in you. But I didn’t care. All I saw was you, and you were so beautiful. So talented. And you didn’t even know it.”

“How can I trust you now, Dan?” I asked, hoping he didn’t realize it was tears coursing down my face, not water from the shower. “How do we go forward from here?”

His dark eyes were wounded to the core, but Dan pressed his lips together and looked at me. “I would understand if you couldn’t be with me,” he said. “Even though I want nothing more than to be with you, I would understand if you didn’t think you could do it.”

Naked in front of me, Dan was baring his heart, waiting for me to either take it in my hands or send a sword through it.

I could do neither.

“I need some time, Dan,” I said. “And some space.”

The look on his face made me sob—I couldn’t keep it in.

“Okay,” he said. “Okay. I’ll be here when you’re ready. I’m not going anywhere. But I need you to know how sorry I am to hurt you like this, Blue.”

I was sorry for hurting him, too, but I couldn’t ignore how betrayed I felt. He’d known this whole time that his brother was the biological father of the baby growing inside me and never told me. I couldn’t help but suspect that he’d been in contact with his brother since I started living with him, updating Jake on the baby’s progress, on how I was doing, and more.

I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts, trying to banish these horrible feelings from me. The baby kicked in my belly, propelling me to my feet.
Yes, we’re going
, I told it.
We’re out of here
.

Dan watched me, tears running unchecked down his face, as I got dressed. I threw the easiest thing over my head—a sundress—and slipped my feet into my sandals. I didn’t put any makeup on, and I didn’t brush my hair. That meant it would dry frizzy and unmanageable, but I couldn’t make myself care. I just had to get out of there.

I grabbed my purse and tried to leave the room, but Dan was standing there. I realized he was naked and wondered if he realized it, too. The utter vulnerability killed me. I had to get out of there. He’d cut me to the bone, but I couldn’t stand seeing him hurt another moment.

“Blue …”

“Let me go, Dan,” I said. “I can’t stay here.”

“Please be safe,” he said. “Can I call you later?”

I shook my head. “I’ll call you.”

I left the pieces of my heart in that condo, walking out onto the streets of New York without a clue of where to go.

I wandered for a while, going to a couple of museums that Dan had taken me to. Not being there with him was painful, though, so I couldn’t stick around. I went to the harbor and tried to sketch for a little bit, but my heart wasn’t in it. What was I doing? What was happening? I had an enormous baby in my belly and I didn’t have anywhere to go.

My phone buzzed in my bag and I took it out, ready to angrily silence it if it were Dan. I told him not to call me. I told him I’d—

It was Jake.

I read the name once, twice, three times just to make sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me. In spite of everything—the baby, Jake ignoring me, Dan—I felt a physical pull somewhere deep inside of me. Jake and I had shared so much passion, and we’d made a baby together. Maybe, if he wanted to, he could be a part of our lives—mine and the baby’s.

“Hello?”

“Blue, it’s Jake.” His voice was music to my ears, transporting me back to the nights we’d shared at Mama’s, flirting pleasantly back and forth.

“I know it’s you, Jake,” I said. “What do you want?”

I could hear him swallow nervously into the phone. “I wanted to apologize,” he said finally. “I shouldn’t have ignored your calls. I shouldn’t have stopped working at Mama’s. I’m sorry that I left you high and dry—and carrying my baby.”

“Why are you calling me now, Jake?”

“I want to man up,” he said. “I’ve been absent for too long. I want to be a part of my baby’s life—and get to know my baby’s mother, too, if it’s all right with her.”

My miserable heart lifted, even if I didn’t want it to. This was what I’d wanted all this time, wasn’t it? I wanted Jake to get in contact with me, wanted him to be a part of his child’s life. Why didn’t I leap at this opportunity?

“Can we meet somewhere?” I asked. “Maybe for brunch?”

“That sounds good,” Jake said. “I know just the place.”

I took a taxi to the little eatery—one I’d never heard of, let alone been to. He was waiting outside, holding a bouquet of flowers. My heart melted at how beautiful he was—it had been too long. He’d been hitting the gym even harder, it looked like from his tight T-shirt. There couldn’t have been an ounce of fat on that cut body.

Still, when I looked at him with a discerning eye, I could see the features he had in common with Dan. They shared their dark eyes, dark hair, and gorgeous smile. Beyond there, the similarities ended. Jake was a little shorter than Dan, and stockier because of the muscles. If we were being perfectly honest, he was sexier than Dan, though Dan might have been more genuinely handsome. It was something in the way they both carried each other.

I tried to shake the thoughts from my head. It was no use comparing the two. They were too different. Besides, it would only break my heart even more.

“Thank you,” I said, accepting the bundle of daisies and baby’s breath.

“Is it okay if I hug you?” Jake asked.

I smirked at him. “Not if you have to ask,” I said.

I pushed past him to go into the restaurant, but he snagged my arm, stopping me, so he could wrap his arms around me

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry for ignoring you.”

“You’re here now,” I said. “That’s enough.”

We ordered food and Jake ogled my belly. “You’re growing,” he said.

I laughed. “It’s the baby that’s growing, genius.”

“Do you know the gender yet?” Dan asked. “Wouldn’t it be awesome if it were a boy?”

I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I was sitting with the father of my baby in the first place, not what would be awesome or not.

“I don’t know the gender,” I said. “I want it to be a surprise.”

“That’s cool,” Jake said. “That’ll be a pretty big surprise, then.”

“How’s your job going?” I asked. “You still getting lots of gigs?”

“You would not believe the business I’m getting,” he exclaimed, his face lighting up with excitement. I let Jake gab on and on about his DJ gigs, only half listening to his tales of new nightclubs that had opened up, the famous people he’d seen dancing to his beats, the new equipment he’d purchased with his profits.

“I’m doing really well,” he said. “How are you?”

“I’m fine,” I lied. “Not working at Mama’s anymore.”

“That’s good,” Jake said, his voice betraying the fact that this wasn’t news to him. I swallowed a curse at Dan. How much had he told his brother about me?

Our food got there, but I could only pick at it. I knew I should try to eat for the baby’s sake, but I couldn’t force more than a handful of bites into my churning stomach. I hated lies, and I loathed betrayal. There was no reason for a person to not be completely honest. It only caused problems, in the end, if there were lies injected into a relationship.

“What are you doing now?” Jake asked. “Can I show you my new apartment? It’s pretty sweet.”

I forced myself to smile. If I couldn’t trust Dan, I was going to have to trust Jake. Like it or not, I needed someone to be with me and my baby. The baby needed a father, after all.

“I’d love to see your place,” I said.

“We can go as soon as you’re finished,” Jake said, eyeing my barely touched plate.

“I’m done,” I chirped, pushing it away, barely able to stomach the sight of the omelet.

He’d picked the place because it was half a block away from his apartment, which was in a nicer building than I could’ve imagined for him. There was even someone to open the door for us.

“Perks of how many gigs I’m getting,” Jake said sheepishly. I could tell he wasn’t used to the luxury yet.

Posters of bands and other DJs coated the walls as thick as wallpaper in his apartment. The living room was dominated by turntables, amps, stands, and other DJ equipment.

“This is a lot more than what you had when you were playing at Mama’s,” I observed.

Jake thought this was the opportunity to launch into the perks of each piece, regaling me with specs that flew right over my head. I watched him talk, realizing he was as excited as a child with new toys. There was something equally endearing and repulsive about it, and I tried not to stare—or recoil.

“And this is my room,” Jake said, walking down the hallway. I only belatedly realized that he meant for me to follow him, and trailed after him.

His room was small, but richly furnished. It was dominated by a huge bed—so huge that there was only enough room on either side of it for someone to sidle by.

“This is nice,” I said, trying to throw him a bone. He was so happy with his new digs, but I could only feign a mutual excitement.

“You seem tired,” he said, putting his arm around my shoulders. The electric attraction still sizzled, and I hated myself as I melted into his side. Why couldn’t he have just treated me right from the beginning? Why did he have to disappear at the first news of pregnancy? Things could’ve been different, maybe.

“I get tired sometimes,” I said. “Comes with the territory.” I patted my belly.

Hesitating for only a moment, Jake put his hand on my bump. The baby chose that moment to kick.

“You feel that?” Jake asked, looking at me, the shock clear in his eyes. “That’s our baby.”

I broke down at that, at the little boy thrill in his eyes. This was my baby’s father, right in front of me. Why was I so conflicted?

“Hormones,” I said before he could ask me about my tears. I couldn’t even explain them to myself.

“I was thinking,” Jake said. “Would you want to stay here with me? There’s plenty of room. I just want to be there for you, Blue, and for my kid.”

I thought about his offer. There wasn’t plenty of room. There were too many electronics in the living room. Maybe that would be okay right after the baby was born, but it wouldn’t be safe as time passed and our child wanted to explore. I wondered whether Jake would find another place for his precious equipment, maybe considering putting a cradle in its place.

“I don’t have any of my clothes with me,” I said.

“That’s okay,” Jake said, persisting. “You can wear something of mine tonight. Tomorrow we can go get your clothes.”

“Okay,” I said, wondering what it meant that my baby thrashed within me. Did it want me to stay here? Did it want me to go back to Dan’s?
I don’t know, either, baby
, I told it silently.
I don’t know, either.

We ordered takeout for dinner, having to clear the table of microphones and his thick planner book. Several business cards spilled from it.

“I’ll get this place organized,” Jake promised. “You’ll see.”

“I’m sure I will,” I said.

“I have a gig tonight,” he said. “Do you want to come?”

The idea was ludicrous. My belly was gargantuan, I didn’t have a lick of makeup on, and there’d be smoking and alcohol all around me. I didn’t want people staring at me, wondering what a pregnant girl was doing at a nightclub. That wasn’t a place for me anymore.

“No, thanks,” I said. “I’m pretty tired. I’ll just stay here, if it’s okay with you.”

“Sure,” Jake said. “Sure. Whatever you want.”

I fell asleep alone in his big bed, crying. What was I doing? Was this the right decision? I wished there was someone to tell me what I needed to do, but I knew that I had to make my own decisions.

I was the only one who could do that.

I woke up once, in the wee hours, to find Jake sleeping, his arms around me. It was sinful how good that felt, and I tried not to hate myself.

I just needed a partner in all of this. Was that too much to ask for?

Even after I’d been there for two months, my belly reaching truly epic proportions, I still wasn’t used to being with Jake. He left nearly every night, covered up with gigs, and I sat alone in his apartment. I’d gone, by myself, to get some clothes at Dan’s condo while I knew he would be at work. I should’ve taken everything, but something made me stop at just a small bag of essentials. Being back in my room was like returning to a home I’d been gone too long from. It hurt that it wasn’t mine anymore. I missed Dan. I’d be stupid to deny it.

I’d stopped freelancing, but I had so much money saved up that it didn’t matter. I knew I could figure something else out after I had the baby.

That reality was getting closer and closer every day. The baby turned and lashed out at me, as tired at being inside me as I was tired of it being there.

“Get out, if you hate it in there so much,” I’d tell it, patting my bump. “Go on. I’m not stopping you.”

But my pregnancy lasted and lasted. It was becoming ridiculous.

Jake never broached the topic of intimacy, nor did he try to have sex. I was almost thankful for that. I felt ridiculously unattractive, but it still would’ve been nice for him to try to make a pass at me.

I didn’t know what I wanted. I wanted him and I didn’t. I wanted Dan and I didn’t. True to his word, Dan still hadn’t called me, waiting for my call, instead. He had to have noticed that I’d returned to the condo for some clothes, but my phone remained stubbornly silent. I knew that he was just respecting my wishes, but at the same time, I wanted him to reach out.

I didn’t know what I wanted. I wanted two totally opposite things at the same time. And I wanted nothing at all. My hormones were pulling me in all different directions.