Winter of Grace (8 page)

‘A
what
?'

‘It's that boy, Jay, you know, the one who went to the party? Well, he and his brother are part of this church and Stella and I went along and it was kind of – anyway, they have a youth group and this week they're talking about the war and I just thought it'd be interesting, you know, to get a different perspective? You were saying yourself, I should meet new people, make some new friends. And Jay's a really sweet guy …' I ran out of breath. ‘So, will you take me?'

‘No.' Mum pushed away her mug of tea untouched. ‘I won't.'

‘But, Mum, it's
church
! It's not like it's a bikie gang, they're not drug-dealers!'

‘No,' said Mum steadily, but two red spots glowed in her cheeks. ‘They're worse than drug-dealers. They'll try to fill your head with lies, and guilt, and damnation. You keep away from them, Bridie. They're dangerous.'

‘They're about as dangerous as … as fairy floss.'

‘Fairy floss rots your teeth, and religion rots your brain!' flashed Mum.

Suddenly I was shouting, my face was hot, and tears had sprung into my eyes. ‘This is
ridiculous
! They're good people. They were talking about
love
, what's wrong with that? I'm sixteen years old; you can't decide who my friends are. You can't control what I think! It's
not fair
!'

Then Mum was shouting too. ‘I don't want you getting mixed up with those people! They might seem sweet and harmless, but it's poison, Bridie, believe me. Bridie,
don't
you turn your back on me. Bridie, don't you dare walk away when I'm speaking. Bridie, I mean it––'

But it was too late. I'd already marched down the hallway, and slammed the front door behind me.

Mish answered my knock. ‘Back again? Did you leave something behind?' Then she saw my face, and stepped back to let me in. ‘Stella's gone with Paul and Tark to take Nora home; you can wait if you like …'

‘Sorry,' I said, wiping my eyes. ‘I just had this stupid fight with Mum, and I …'

‘Oh, well, we've all done that,' said Mish. ‘Want to talk about it?'

I followed her into the big room. Scarlet was at the computer; she swivelled round, saw it was me, said, ‘Oh, hi,' and went back to what she was doing.

‘I only asked her for a lift,' I told Mish. ‘The way she carried on, you'd think I was joining the Nazi Party or something.'

‘This is about the Christians?'

‘I'm not going to
be
one. I'm not joining or anything.'

‘Just looking, eh?' Mish put the kettle on. ‘Is it because you like this boy Jay?'

‘Did Stella say …?'

Mish shook her head.

‘I do like him,' I said. ‘But not like
that
.'

‘So what's the attraction?'

I wasn't really sure. Part of it was feeling annoyed with Mum and Stella for slagging off Christians. They shrugged aside all the good stuff about them as if it didn't count, as if it didn't mean anything. And there was something about the atmosphere at Northside that had appealed to me – not just Pastor Matt's speech, not just the songs – something about the way everyone had smiled at me, the welcoming, the warmth. It felt safe there, but exciting too – alive, and vibrant, and purposeful. And I wanted to find out more.

I mumbled, ‘I just liked it.'

Mish poured boiling water into the teapot. ‘Well, like I said, I think it's great that you're exploring your spiritual side. If you need help, I'll help you. I'll drive you to the youth group. This week, anyway. But I'm very unreliable, you shouldn't count on me.'

‘Wow, really, Mish? Thanks.'

‘But I want you to do something for me. Ask your mum why she's so against religion.'

‘Because she's a fascist.'

‘Bridie, I'm serious. Ask her, okay?'

‘Okay,' I said. But that was one conversation I intended to put off as long as possible. Preferably forever.

I DIDN'T TELL JAY I was coming. Maybe there was a part of me that suspected I might change my mind at the last minute, and I didn't want to promise, then let him down.

On the other hand, I had no problem lying to my mother. It wasn't
exactly
lying; I told her I ‘might' have dinner with the Kincaids on Wednesday. Which I might, if I did pull out at the last minute.

Mum said, ‘Oh, good,' in great relief, obviously thinking the crisis was over: my crisis of faith. Only, my crisis was that I might be catching faith instead of losing it. Could you catch faith? Was it infectious?

Even if I did catch it, it didn't have to be fatal. Look at Paul – he'd recovered, and the only side effect he'd suffered was a serious case of being good.

Paul helped heaps of people; he was lovely. Mish said once that he could have worked longer hours and got a job that paid more but he didn't, so he had time to do all the voluntary stuff, and hang out with his family. If he'd had a high-powered job, they could have renovated their house, or bought a bigger one, and sent Stella, Scarlet and Tark to expensive schools. But he didn't. He just wanted to live a good life. Maybe it was God that set him on his good path in the first place; I'd never thought of that before.

If I had a dad, I'd want him to be like Paul. Stella didn't know how lucky she was.

It was Stella who let me in when I turned up for my lift on Wednesday. ‘Oh, hi.' There was a slight coolness in her voice. She yelled out, ‘Mum! Bridie's here!'

We stood close together in the narrow hallway while noise flowed over us: Scarlet was singing, Tark yelled, the TV was blaring. Mish called, ‘Has anyone seen my bloody
keys
?'

I looked at Stella. ‘Sure you don't want to come?'

‘No, thanks.'

‘Are we on for Tim tomorrow morning?'

Was it m y imagination, or did she hesitate slightly before she answered? ‘Yeah, tomorrow.'

I said in a rush, ‘Stell, you know, I'm not going because of Jay. I'm not after him or anything.'

‘Whatever. I'm not after him either.'

‘That's okay, then.'

‘Yep,' said Stella crisply. She stood aside to let Mish past.

Mish looked harassed as she juggled her car keys. ‘Keep an eye on those spuds, Stella, I should be back in half an hour or so. Ready, Bridie? How long do you think this thing'll run?'

‘Jay said till nine.' I felt awful. My spiritual explorations seemed to be inconvenient for everyone. ‘But someone'll give me a lift home.'

‘No, no, I'll pick you up. Just because a person belongs to a church, they could still be a child molester.'

‘Well, der,' said Stella. ‘
More
likely, don't you think? Anyway, Mother, Bridie's hardly a
child
.' She rolled her eyes at me, which was a good sign.

As I climbed into the car I said, ‘Stella doesn't approve.'

‘Stella's anti-school at the moment, which means she's antieverything.' Mish threw the car into gear and lurched into the road in her usual erratic style. ‘Don't worry about it.'

‘I don't expect you to do this every week,' I said as we careered down the highway.

‘Every
week
?' Mish was silent for a second. ‘We'll see.'

I realised Mish didn't expect me to go back after tonight. She thought I'd get it out of my system, see the light, and leave. I felt a surge of the same irritation that flared up whenever Mum or Stella sneered at Northside. They were so smug, so certain they knew better than me. Even Mish, who was supposed to be on my side.

When we arrived, golden light was streaming from the windows of the big, low barn of the church. A group of teenagers spilled from another car and called to a guy in the open doorway, who raised his hand in greeting.

‘Sure about this?' said Mish. ‘You can still change your mind.'

‘No, I'm fine.' I smiled as I unbuckled my seatbelt. ‘I've just seen someone I know.'

The guy in the doorway was Elliot. ‘Hey, Bridie! Jay told me to watch out for you. Glad you could make it. Come on, I'll take you in.' He put his hand on my shoulder, with his arm almost around me. I shivered, but not from cold.

Gently, Elliot propelled me inside and downstairs into a large basement room full of plastic chairs, bright posters and beanbags and the excited babble of teenagers. Heads turned as we walked in, and everyone smiled and said hi – not just to Elliot, but to me too.

As soon as Jay saw us, he rushed over and seized both my hands and held them, beaming. ‘Bridie! It's great to see you!'

Instantly, Elliot lifted his hand from my shoulder. ‘Jay will look after you now,' he said, and smiled too; he wasn't scowly at all. ‘I have to go and bring in our speaker.' And he vanished back upstairs.

‘Wow,' said Jay. ‘I can't believe you're here.' He squeezed my hands and gazed into my eyes. I felt my face glowing red, but I couldn't help smiling back. I don't think anyone had ever been so pleased to see me before.

Still holding one of my hands, Jay led me round the room and introduced me to everyone. ‘This is Bridie Vandenberg – she saved me from getting beaten up that time.'

‘Oh,
yeah
,' they all said. ‘
Bridie
. Wow.'

It was like being famous; it seemed everyone had heard the story. Ryan, Juliet, Adam, Oliver, Shanelle … I met so many people my head was spinning. And they weren't freaks – just normal kids. Slightly more smiley than average, sure, but how could that be a bad thing? When Elliot brought in the guest speaker, a visiting pastor from another church, Jay led me to a chair and sat down beside me, still holding my hand.

All week I'd told myself that the reason I was coming to this meeting was to hear a debate about the war, but with only one speaker, it wasn't exactly a debate. And even though he talked about the war, he didn't mention politics, or human rights, or the global economy, or any of the reasons other people said the war had started. Instead he spoke about ‘the last days'; he seemed to be saying that this war, and wars all over the world, climate change, the drought, and the return of high-waist pants, were all signs that the end of the world was coming. (Okay, I made it up about the high-waist pants.) As though it were all part of some grand but mysterious plan, as though God was preparing us for something. We, sitting in this room, had been chosen by God to play a very special part in this plan;
we
were going to save the world.

I didn't totally understand everything he said, but a weird thrill ran over me when he spoke about us, the young people, being marked out for this special responsibility. And when you thought about it, it made sense: we were going to inherit the world, after all. It was up to us to fix up the mess that past generations had left behind. Previously, I'd found that thought quite overwhelming and depressing, but sitting there with Jay and everyone else, so flushed and excited, I started to believe that maybe we could do it after all. It was sort of the same feeling I'd had at the peace rally, but now the feeling was stronger, more focussed. It was God who would grant us the strength and the courage to take on this fight. As long as we had faith in Jesus, He would take care of us. He'd show us the way. Our job was to be the best we could be, as perfect as we could be, for Him.

Everyone was nodding and murmuring, ‘Amen.'

The pastor swept his gaze around the room. ‘I can't hear you!'

‘Amen!
Hallelujah
!' Some people jumped up and punched the air.

‘I can't hear you!'

‘AMEN! HALLELUJAH! PRAISE THE LORD!'

Jay jumped up and pulled me with him, and I shouted out too, because everyone else did, and we made such a joyful noise the roof nearly blew off, and suddenly everyone started to sing a song about Jesus coming back.

I whispered to Jay, ‘Jesus is coming
back
?'

‘Yeah, of course.' Jay grinned at my surprise, and swung my hand. ‘The Bible says so.'

‘Oh,' I said. ‘Okay.'

The song peaked in a crescendo of whoops and applause, and before I knew it, Jay had pulled me into a quick hug, then released me. ‘I'll … I'll get us some hot chocolate,' he said, blushing, and dashed off. I was still blinking after him when Elliot came over. He wasn't scowling, but he did look stern. ‘Bridie.'

I clutched at the back of my chair; it was really hot in the basement. I tried to think of something to say. ‘Elliot,' I blurted. ‘Could I ask you something? About Jesus?' That sounded weird, spoken out loud. Probably not so much to Elliot, though. I plunged on. ‘You know how Christians talk about Jesus dying for our sins? What does that mean?'

Elliot scratched his chin and rubbed his hand thoughtfully across his forehead. ‘We're all sinners, Bridie,' he said. ‘We're all stained by sin.'

‘What, even little babies?'

‘The whole human race. We've all broken God's laws. Sins have to be paid for, sins have to be punished. When Jesus died, He paid for all our sins, forever. So when you accept Christ as your saviour, you're given eternal life.'

‘So you go to heaven?'

‘More than that. When Jesus returns to rule over the earth forever, you'll live forever with Him.'

‘But …
how
did Jesus pay?'

‘With His life, Bridie. He died so that we can live.'

‘I don't get it. Why did He have to die?'

‘He's the sacrifice. He took the punishment.'

‘God's punishment?'

‘Yes.'

‘So if Jesus hadn't died, we'd all be punished? God would punish us? We'd go to hell?'

‘Hell isn't … some people think hell is an actual place. Some people think hell is the state of being denied God's presence. And heaven is the opposite; it's being in God's presence always. It's the eternal bliss of being with God.'