Winning Me Over (19 page)

“How is Colt?” she asks when she reaches me.

“He’s good.” I shrug as Hadley steps toward us. “Tired. He was asking about the others though. I guess no one’s really keeping him updated.”

“Oh.” Callie’s face falls and my stomach coils.

“Zander and Bristol are okay. Right?” I don’t think Colt could handle it if something happened to one of them.

“Yeah.
They’re okay. Zander has a couple broken bones. Bristol’s car seat protected her. Apparently Jocelyn took the biggest hit.” Callie snorts. “Funny how she never protected those kids her entire life until the very end.”

My mouth goes dry. “What?”

She locks eyes with mine, and then I know. “She didn’t make it, Paige.”

My knees buckle. Hadley’s arm comes around me, steadying me. I lean against her for support. 
This is all my fault.
I wished for it. I was so angry that my mom was sick and Jocelyn wasn’t. I wished for the worst and it happened. How will I ever face Colt again?

“Do you want to tell him?” Callie asks me.

“Me? No way.” I shake my head, as my throat closes up.

“Okay. I’ll do it. I just don’t want him to hear it from a nurse or doctor.”

Dizzy, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “I have to go.” Blindly, I turn around.

“Paige? Are you okay?” Callie’s voice sounds far away, almost like she’s in a tunnel. I worry that I’m going to pass out.

“Fine. I just have to go.” With Hadley’s arm still holding me up, I walk away from Colt, wondering if I’ll ever have the courage to come back. When we reach Hadley’s mom’s car I slip inside and put my head between my legs, still afraid I’m going to pass out. I feel lightheaded, and spots fill my vision.

“What’s going on?” Hadley asks, the minute she slides into the driver’s seat.

“It’s my fault, Hadley.” I sit up fast, enduring major head rush.

“The accident?
You had nothing to do with that.” She furrows her brows in confusion.

“No. It’s my fault his mom is dead.”

Hadley cocks her head to the side. “That doesn’t make sense.”

“I wished for it,
Hads. I was so mad that Colt’s mom had treated her children so badly, but she was healthy, and yet my mom…” A sob bursts through my words, cutting me off.

Hadley rubs my back.
“Hey, Paige. It’s normal to have those kind of thoughts. It is unfair that your mom is sick when bad people walk around completely healthy. You’re not the first person to think that. And you certainly didn’t kill Colt’s mom just by thinking that.”

“I know, but I did think it. That’s the point. How can I tell him I’m sorry his mom died when I thought about before it happened? I practically wished for it? What kind of crazy person does that?”

“A compassionate person.”

I stare at her dumbfounded.

“Paige, you care about Colt and his siblings. That’s why your heart ached for what their parents put them through. And you’re sad about your mom’s illness because you love her so much. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“I just don’t know what to do,” I whisper. “I don’t know how Colt will get through this.”

“He will. Trust me. You know everything that Tripp went through last year, right?”

I nod, thinking about the whole horrible ordeal.

“He got through it, Paige, because I was there to help him. And you will be there for Colt. Don’t let your guilt about one fleeting thought stop you from helping him. You’ll regret it if you do.”

“You’re right.” I wipe my drippy nose with the back of my hand and rest my head against the seat. “Thanks,
Hads.”

“Sure.” She rubs my back one last time and then drops her hand. “Do you want to go back inside now?”

I shake my head. “No. I want to go home first. I have something for Colt.”

“Okay.” Hadley starts the car and then pulls out of the parking lot. As
we drive away from the hospital I think about how life can change in an instant without any warning at all.

THIRTY

COLT

I
wake up to find Callie sitting next to my bed. Her face is drawn and pinched. Fear strikes me. I struggle to sit up, but the damn tubes hold me tight like a prisoner.  Claustrophobia sets in, and I fight to catch a breath.

Panic flickers in Callie’s eyes as she places a hand on mine. “Colt, it’s okay.”

“Zander? Bristol?” I choke out the words. My head throbs and my body aches. But none of that matters right now. I just want my brother and sister to be okay.

“They’re fine. Calm down.”
She places a hand over mine. "In fact, I already talked to the nurses about taking you down to see them later, and they agreed."

I breathe deeply and sit still, the panicked feeling subsiding.

“I didn’t come in here to talk to you about them,” she says, her words deliberate and slow. “I actually wanted to talk about your mom.”

Dread descends in the pit of my
stomach. I stare at the ceiling counting the tiles. “She’s dead, isn’t she?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so.”

“Was she using? Is that why she didn’t see the other car?” I continue to count the tiles, hoping it will distract me from the waves of grief and anger.

“Yeah, I think so.” Callie purses her dry lips.

I sigh. “Of course. God, she almost killed all three of us.”

“But you guys are fine. In fact, she took the brunt of the impact.”

“Not on purpose, I’m sure.” I snort.

“Maybe
not. But we’ll never know. Perhaps she did try to save you guys.”

I shake my head. Since when has my mom ever chosen the three of us over herself?
Never.

“So what does this mean for us? That we have to go home and live with Dad?”

“Actually, that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about.” She pauses, and it worries me. “What do you think about staying here with me?”

“Really?”
I hope she’s serious because I feel my spirits lifting just at the mere prospect.

“Yeah.
If you want to, you can. Your dad already agreed.”

I laugh bitterly. “Why am I not surprised that he didn’t want us?”

“No, Colt.” She squeezes my hand. “He’ll take you if you want to go home. It’s just I sort of begged him, and he agreed that maybe you’ll be safer with me.”

“You begged him?”

“I love the three of you. I want you to stay. From the moment your mom showed up, I was planning to get you back.”

“You were?” Her words shock me.

“Yeah.” Tears fill her eyes. “So what do you say?”

I can’t talk for fear that I might cry
, so I just nod.

“You’ll stay with me?”

I nod again, still unable to speak. It’s the first time in my life someone has wanted to take the three of us. The first time I will have a guardian who really wants me.

“Where have you been, McAllistor?” I ask Paige when she finally shows up in the afternoon.

“I’m sorry
.” She pulls a chair up to my bed and sits in it. Her hair is pulled back in a ponytail and it swishes around her head.

“I’m just givi
ng you a bad time,” I tease her, but the truth is that it has bugged me. When she left last night I assumed she’d be back first thing in the morning. I’ve been waiting all day to see her.

“I’m sorry. I’ve been staring at this all day.” Her face is sad as she drops a piece of paper on my bed.

I pick it up and inspect it, realizing it’s her letter. I scan the page. The note is short and sweet, just like her. “Why have you been staring at it all day?”

“Because yours was so eloquent and mine just isn’t. And after all that happened to you yesterday I wanted to add to it. To say something profound or comforting or
helpful, and I just don’t know what to say.”

“Hey.” I reach for her hand. “You don’t have to say anything. I feel better just having you here.”

“I just feel so inadequate to help you with this, because grief is something I’m not good at. I’ve been struggling with my mom’s illness for so long. I can’t even imagine what I would do if I lost her.” Her lips tremble. “How can I possibly help you through this?”

“Well
, for starters, you can hold me. You can kiss me.” I wink. “That will definitely help.”

A reluctant smile springs to her lips. “You would like that, huh?”

“I wouldn’t complain.”

A serious look cloaks her face and she stares at our hands. The gesture worries me. Could it be that there’s more to this than her not knowing the right thing to say? The familiar fear of being abandoned surfaces.

“You’re not bowing out, are you?” I ask.

“What?” She lifts her eyes to mine. “Is that what you think?
No, of course not. I want to be with you.”

“Then what are you thinking
in that pretty head of yours?”

She takes a deep breath. “When you first told me about your parents, I was so angry.
For you, for Zander and Bristol. And I just didn’t think it was fair, you know, that there are parents out there who treat their children terribly, but it’s my mom who has to be sick.”

Understandi
ng washes over me. “My mom died because of her choices.” I grab her hand. “It wasn’t anyone’s fault except her own. And it is pretty shitty that your mom is sick. I get how that really screws with your mind.”

“But it isn’t fair that you lost your mom either.”

“No, it’s all pretty crappy,” I agree.

“You still want to be with me?”

“Are you kidding?” I laugh. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because it was a terrible thing to think.
What kind of person thinks things like that?” She looks so troubled that I just want to kiss her.

“A human one.”
I stroke her face. “Listen, my mom had a lot of problems and she was never a good parent to me. Just because my mom is gone now doesn’t mean we have to sugar coat that. I get why you were upset with her, and that doesn’t make you a terrible person.”

“It doesn’t?”

“No. It just means that you care about me.” I kiss the tip of her nose. “And I love you for it.”

“I love you too.” She smiles. Then she slumps in her chair, blowing out a breath. “Ugh. I came here to comfort you and you ended up comforting me. How did that happen?”

“How about we agree that we comforted each other?”

“Okay.” She shrugs, smiling a little.
“How are you doing? I mean, you seem okay, but I know it must be hard.”

“It’s weird because I don’t know what I feel. When I was younger I used to think I was broken because I didn’t feel emotion like other kids did. I thought maybe I had a piece missing or something. But then I met you and I realized that I’m not broken. I just hadn’t ever had anyone in my life who really loved me, you know?”

Paige reaches for me, her touch soft and gentle.

I continue, “When Aunt Callie first told me that my mom was gone I felt like I should want to cry, but I didn’t. All I felt was numb and empty. I know that makes me sound like a
terrible person but it’s the truth. I mean, sure I miss my mom, but not in the way that I would miss you if you were gone, or even Aunt Callie or Zander. It’s just that my mom and I never connected. She never even tried.” Memories of my mom fill my mind. “I do have a few good memories of her and I will cling to those. And I’m sure someday I’ll grieve the right way.”

“There’s no wrong or right way to grieve.”

“I am sad that she’s gone. But not really for me or my siblings. I feel sad for her, for the fact that she never had a good life and it ended so tragically. And I feel sad for my dad, because I know he loves her even if it’s in a weird co-dependent way.” Shame fills me at what I’m about to say. “Mostly I feel relieved. Does that make me sound awful?”

“No, it doesn’t. I know things were so tough for you guys.”

I want to tell her my good news, but I know it make me sound so selfish. What kind of son am I if I feel happy about getting to live with Aunt Callie? But then I remember all the neglect and abuse. My mind is filled with images of our dirty apartment, of our empty fridge, of how we often we went without food. I can hear Zander’s cries and Bristol’s screams. And then I know that I have to stop feeling guilty about my mom’s choices. I didn’t want her to die, and I did love her in my own way. But I am glad that Bristol, Zander and I will finally have a decent life. “Also if the accident hadn’t happened, then I wouldn’t get to stay here.”

“No way.”
A smile sweeps Paige’s face. “You’re staying? Like for good?”

“Yeah, Callie’s taking us in
.”

“Oh, Colt.
That’s amazing!” She leans forward and kisses me. “I’m so glad you don’t have to leave me.”

“And
I never will again. You’re pretty much stuck with me.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”