WINDHEALER (38 page)

"Let's say that I come to visit in your hut quite frequently. You serve me ale, but I don't particularly like ale. I don't want to be impolite and offend you because I respect your right to choose what it is you serve in your home. So, I drink the ale, not wanting to hurt your feelings, even though I prefer wine. A fact of which you are not aware.

"If I should invite you to my home, knowing your preferences, I would naturally serve us both ale, because I want you to be relaxed and happy while you are visiting. Again, not wishing to offend, I would wait until you had left before pouring myself a glass of wine.

"That is much the way it was when I was at home with my five brothers. I drank the ale, never truly understanding why I didn't care for it. They drank it, a manly drink, and I drank it, too, but I never did develop a taste for it. I had not as yet tasted the wine I would learn to love and need.

"When I was sixteen, a boy, not much older than I, gave me just a sip of his wine." Pearl closed his eyes, remembering. "It was sweet, gentle, and flowed through my senses, intoxicating me with its body and strength, its essence. I took a sip more and was hooked." He looked at Conar. The tawny brows were drawn together in thought.

"I had always felt as though a part of me was missing somehow. When I was with a woman, I didn't particularly
dislike
it, but I didn't particularly
like
it, either. But when that boy put his hands on me that day, I knew in my soul I had found the missing part of myself."

Conar nodded as though the explanation made perfect sense. Pearl was relieved the gods had allowed him to have his say with clarity.

"Why are you here, Conar?"

Conar flinched. "I tried to make love to Se Huan last eve."

"And could not do so."

"I also tried to make love to Raja."

Pearl made a face. "I can see why you couldn't bring yourself to get it up with
her!"

"Both times I lost… I couldn't…when it came time to…"

"I see. And this has never happened to you before?"

Conar looked away. "I've never considered myself to be a satyr who could mount any maiden, willing or not. There have been times when I couldn't arouse myself to take a certain woman, but never,
never,
have I lost an erection before taking one."

"And yet most men have had that problem at some point. It's not so unusual." Pearl stretched out on his side, propped his head on his fist and crossed his ankles. "Even a lover as great as I has had such an annoying problem on occasion."

"It's more than just being unable to sustain an erection!" Conar stood up, his hands clenched into fists. "If it were just that, I wouldn't be worried. I'd put it down to exhaustion or worry or illness or just the woman!" He looked at Pearl. "I can understand my reluctance with Raja. I've never liked her, but Se Huan is different. I wanted her, Pearl. I really wanted her."

"What changed your mind?" Pearl asked, coming to his feet.

Conar violently shook his head. "I wish to the gods I knew!" he shouted, turning his back on Pearl's probing stare. He sat down with a hiss of anger.

Pearl hunkered beside him. "Was it more than a physical reaction to these women that made it impossible for you to consummate the act?" Conar's silence was his answer. "You felt repelled by them, is that it?"

Conar nodded.

"And you're concerned that what happened in the Labyrinth has changed you, altered you?"

Again the nod.

Pearl put his hand on Conar's shoulder and made him turn around to face him. "And you're worried that perhaps the ale has lost its power to attract you."

"Aye." The answer was bitter.

Pearl let out a long breath. "And you've come to me to see if what you fear is true."

Conar's eyes fused with Pearl's. He didn't speak. He couldn't.

Pearl smiled warmly and touched Conar's scarred cheek. "It took a lot of courage for you to come here. There was a time when you couldn't have. Now you are concerned, terrified, that you have been changed because you
can
come to me for help."

"I have to know, Pearl." Conar's voice broke with despair.

"I know."

Pearl stroked away the stubborn fall of bright flaxen hair. He gently cupped the back of Conar's head and tenderly brought Conar's mouth to his in a soft, hesitant kiss.

At first Conar felt repulsion, stark terror. Pearl's lips were as soft as any woman's and his breath was as sweet. When the lips touched his a second time and lingered, tasted, the mouth wasn't demanding, was not triumphant, only hesitantly tender and unsure, vaguely searching for a response.

When Pearl withdrew, he smiled. "Did that disgust you?"

Conar shook his head.

Only Pearl's right hand was in contact with Conar's flesh, slipping over his shoulder, up his cheek once more, the thumb lightly moving across Conar's lower lip.

"You are such a handsome man." Pearl kissed the tip of Conar's nose. "Ah, my sweet Prince, you're trembling." His voice was gently admonishing. "Are you afraid of me? Afraid I'll hurt you?"

There was a long, pregnant pause. "I'm not afraid of you, Pearl."

Pearl's hand cupped Conar's chin. "Do you trust me enough to know for a certainty that I won't hurt you like the other men did?"

Tears filled Conar's blue eyes. "I trust you."

Pearl made up his mind. He unbuttoned Conar's shirt, pushing the silk from Conar's shoulders in one graceful motion. The shirt slid down Conar's arms and landed in a pool at his waist. Pearl's gaze swept over Conar's naked chest, lingering on the area where he knew the man's heart thudded with unease and fear. He placed a soft, delicate kiss over the spot and could actually feel Conar's heart slamming into his ribcage.

Conar tensed, feeling Pearl's lips on his chest, his tongue swirling around the tender nubs of his paps. He drew in a harsh breath when Pearl's fingers moved to his waistband. He swallowed convulsively, painfully aware that his loins ached with some nameless desire he could feel building inside him. He felt a lurch in his belly as his breeches came undone, the fabric laid open. Pearl's fingers were cool as they glided over his lower belly.

"Conar?"

His head lowered in agreement. He knew a moment of sheer panic as Pearl's fingers slid into his breeches and molded themselves to his flesh. His manhood leapt and became fully erect.

Pearl gripped him lightly. The shaft was velvety and pulsed with a power Pearl ached to know. He caressed Conar and smiled. "Does my hand disgust you?"

Conar shook his head.

Pearl molded his lips to Conar's mouth as his hand had molded to Conar's manhood. His tongue slipped gently between Conar's startled lips, tasting, demanding a response. He felt the molten steel in his hand leap again; he worked it until the steel was a throbbing shaft of demand.

"You're ready, my Prince," Pearl whispered against Conar's mouth and slowly, sensuously withdrew his hand. He pushed on Conar's shoulder and made him lie down.

"Pearl?" came the fretful entreaty.

"Shush."

Conar stretched out on the floor and felt Pearl's hands on his chest, his sides, his belly. Conar's hands were to either side of his head, his fingers flexing with anxiety as Pearl's lips traveled over places where he had only moments before put his hands. Conar was almost on the verge of hyperventilating, so rapid was his breath rushing in and out of his lungs, his heart pounding so loud he could hear it. Pearl's hand slipped between his legs. Conar groaned, involuntarily arching his hips against the caressing hand. He could hear the rustle of silk as Pearl touched him, tugging gently on the breeches, drawing them down over his hips. A moan, a whimper of fear formed in the back of his throat and he felt Pearl's hands pull away as the silk breeches left his hips.

He tensed, his body going as rigid as his shaft. When Pearl tugged on his shoulder, he took a deep breath, turned and lay flat on the floor. He heard the rustle of Pearl's clothing being discarded, became aware of the other man's body moving up his, one leg insinuating itself between his own, could feel the hard stab of Pearl's erection against his buttocks. As Pearl loomed over him, slid between his thighs, pushed his legs further, he panicked.

"I can't! I can't do this, Pearl!"

He pushed Pearl none too gently away and came to his feet in one lithe bound, shaking from head to toe. He backed against the wall, his breathing coming in gasps of revulsion. He was trembling so hard his teeth chattered as he covered his nakedness with his hands.

Pearl sat up and folded his hands in his lap, covering his hardness. "I knew you couldn't," he said, his gravelly voice filled with compassion. A gentle smile touched his lips. "And now you know for a certainty you haven't developed a taste for forbidden wines."

"Then what the hell is wrong with me?" Conar shouted, on the verge of a screaming fit.

Pearl came to his feet, pulled on his breeches, then handed Conar his own clothing. "Prison, my friend. Six years of hell without a woman. Without the right woman, I would imagine."

Conar jammed his legs into his breeches. He looked up with hope. "Can that be it? Will it take the right woman to chase away the demons? What if even
she
can't end the dreams?"

"I would venture to say she might not be able to, dearling."

Conar's heart skipped a beat. "Then what do I do?"

"The dreams are in your mind, my Prince; not in your body. These dreams…do they deal with what happened to you in the Labyrinth? Men that tormented you?"

Conar's face turned hard with remembrance. "Aye."

"Are there other men in these nightmares from another time? Men who have hurt you? Men who have the same qualities, or lack thereof, in common? Men like me?"

"They are nothing like you, Pearl Allegria. You are honorable; these men were not."

Pearl blushed. "They are men who hurt you. Men who have tried to degrade you." At Conar's grunt of agreement, Pearl understood. "And in those dreams, do they emasculate you? Do they take away that part of you that has always been a symbol of what you are, of how you see yourself; a man with natural cravings? In your dreams, have they twisted those cravings?

"Aye. Cravings I have not been able to satisfy," Conar whispered.

"True." Pearl took Conar's hand. "The ability to satisfy those cravings is localized in that part of you that your nightmares tell you is no longer there. Do you understand?"

"I guess so."

"In your dreams, your manhood has been taken away. Correct? No doubt it was taken away in such a manner that you felt great terror and pain. Am I right?"

"Aye."

"Without the mental security of knowing your manhood is still intact, you cannot perform as you should, as you are used to performing." Pearl's voice took on the excitement of the instructor he was. "It is much like a man who has spent his life as a great artist. His paintings have always fulfilled him, for they are a natural extension of his own self. But if that man were to lose his hand, he could no longer paint. He then has two choices. Never paint again, or learn to paint with his other hand. Your problem is in your mind, not in your body. Your subconscious tells you that you no longer have a hand with which to paint. Do you spend the rest of your life without the great joy of painting, or do you try to regain a semblance of that great joy by using your other hand?"

"By turning away from the ale and embracing the wine?" Conar smiled.

Pearl smiled, too. "I think we have just successfully demonstrated that wine is not your pleasure. But think. Do your dreams come from your inner fears, or have they been placed there by some outside force to put doubt in your mind?"

Conar frowned. "You think some evil is at work?"

"It could well be."

Conar's mind working furiously with the possibility. But who would gain by doing such a thing? As far as he knew, Tohre still thought him safely chained in the Labyrinth. Some spy of the Domination's here in Chrystallus? Some man among those who had fled the prison colony? He knew that could not be. At least he hoped it was not true. "Would Occultus do something like that?"

Pearl shrugged. It was on his tongue to deny such a possibility, but his logical, precise mind stayed his tongue. He thought a moment. "If he thought it would benefit you in some way. He knew you had been raped; he told me as much. He knew how it had affected you."

"So, if he put the dreams in my mind, he put them there to teach me a lesson." His face filled with seething contempt. "What kind of lesson?"

"I don't know. Did these dreams start before or after you arrived in Chrystallus?"

Conar took a deep breath. "They began on the way here, but Occultus knew I was coming. He knew where I was all along but never told anyone."

"Maybe his motive was to rid you of your fear of the things done to you."

"If that was his aim, it backfired!"

"But it might not have been Occultus," Pearl reminded. "Who would benefit?"

Conar looked at Pearl. "It seems like something a woman would do, doesn't it?"

Pearl's lips pursed. "Raja?"

"I don't think so, unless it was her intention on being my
cure!"
Conar's sneer said what he thought of the woman.

Could she have known where you were?"

"No, I don't believe she could have."

Pearl threw up his hands. "We may not ever know if someone was responsible or if the problem is entirely in your own mind." He sighed. "I wish I had the answer for you, dearling."

"I think Occultus sent me to you to teach me a lesson. A lesson I have learned. Not all homosexual men are like the ones who abused me."

Pearl ducked his head. "There are more like me than like those who tortured you."

"I have known some of the priests at Boreas who were of the same bent; one who was my guide on my Joining day seemed different. Not all the priests prefer men; I have seen those who were as randy as any teenage boy and chased everything in skirts."

Pearl nodded. "I think it unnatural for a man not to be allowed to take a mate. It matters not if the mate is of his own sex or not. Nature does things in pairs. Why should the priesthood be any different?" He fluttered his eyelashes. "Of course, nature does things in female-male pairings."