Willie's Redneck Time Machine (5 page)

YOU PULL OUT YOUR PHONE
and dial your wife. She always knows what to do. “Hey, Korie
 
—are the guys playing some kind of practical joke on me?”

She’s out of breath after finishing up her yoga workout. “What do you mean?”

“There’s some kind of
 
—well, there’s an outhouse in my warehouse. And it’s got, like, antennas on it.”

“What are you talking about?” Korie asks.

“I’m not sure. That’s why I’m calling you.”

“I don’t know anything about it.”

You think for a moment about mentioning how John Luke and Jase disappeared, but then decide against it. You’ll keep that to yourself. You know, just in case something actually
did
happen to them.

There’s always your brother Jep to blame.

“Okay, well, if you hear anything, text or call me, okay?” you say.

“Shouldn’t you be shopping?”

You laugh. “What for? Anything special going on?”

“John Luke told me that’s what he was doing over lunch.”

“Yeah, well . . .”

“What?” Korie asks.

“Oh, nothing. We’re just
 
—well, I can’t say.”

“Don’t be planning anything big, okay?”

I’m hoping to find our son.

“Okay. I won’t. I promise. Love ya.”

Just as you hang up with Korie, you see Uncle Si sauntering down the hallway.

“Si,” you call out. “What’s this all about?”

“That thing right there is a time machine if I ever saw one.”

“What?”

“Yeah,” he says. “Got a control panel and antennas. ‘Beam me up, Scotty.’”

“Who put it here?”

“Martians. Or maybe it’s Bruce Willis.”

“Seriously, Si.”

He examines the door and the duck-shaped opening in the front.

“You didn’t see any butterflies come out, did you?”

“Nope.”

“’Cause you know, if you kill
one
butterfly during time travel, you can end all humanity as we know it.”

Uncle Si, as usual, is full of “interesting” facts. You have no idea where he comes up with this stuff.

“Si
 
—did you learn that in ’Nam?” you ask. “Considering I haven’t stepped foot in the thing yet, I think we’ll be okay.”

He presses the button to open the door and steps inside. “Look at that. Hey
 
—maybe it’ll be like
Phil & Ed’s Awesome Adventure
.”

“I think you’re talking about Bill and Ted. And it’s
excellent
, not
awesome
.”

“Excellent, awesome, that’s what’s gonna happen when I travel in time.”

Before you can try to hold the door open, it shuts with Si still in there.

The lights flash
 
—this time they’re pink and yellow
 
—and a whirring engine sound fills your ears. Then it stops.

The door opens. And, yep. Just like the last two times . . .

No Si.

“This is ridiculous.”

You circle the outhouse for about the tenth time.

Hopefully whoever is doing this and filming it is having
a good ole time. You look up to the ceiling and wave in case the camera’s up there.

“Hey, y’all. Hope you’re having fun
time traveling
.”

You stand by the door of the outhouse. Are you ready to step inside and close the door?

If you’re finally brave enough to get in the outhouse,
go here
.

If you’re still a sissy and think it’s a setup, then really . . . why don’t you take your blanket and go to bed? Or maybe just
go here
.

THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE
when you step out the door is a row of old lockers. But not any old lockers. These are the ones they got rid of five years after you graduated.

Hold on there.

Yeah, that’s right. You’re walking into your old school, West Monroe High, which looks the way it did when you graduated. The way it did in, oh, let’s say around 1990.

You stop for a second. Music is playing from the gym that’s just down the hallway. You turn and see the outhouse standing just like it was in your warehouse. This is clearly not some elaborate prank your brothers are playing on you after all. This is real. You are really here at West Monroe High School.

A group of girls passes you by, and it’s obvious that either this really is 1990 or you’re at the best Halloween
high school dance ever. The girls have poufy hair that surely took cans of hair spray to put up. Their dresses are bright with shoulder pads that are as big as their hairdos.

The year 1990 was like an eighties child having an identity crisis. Everything still felt so eighties, yet it was a whole new decade.

You follow them toward the gym and hear a song playing.

“‘Never gonna give you up,’” the voice sings.

I’ve just been rickrolled.

Of course, back then, Rick Astley was just a singer. The Internet wasn’t even around. There wasn’t a YouTube full of videos to rickroll in the first place.

You check your phone, but naturally it doesn’t have a signal. It would be fun to text Korie from 1990.

Guess where I am, Korie! Want me to get something out of your locker? Wonder if I can bring something back with me. Maybe it can be your birthday present!

Yeah, you remember that you still have to get it. Maybe you can go out and buy something that would normally cost hundreds of dollars. Now, in the year 1990, it may cost only a fraction of that. Think of the savings!

What about hitting up the local toy store for some action figures and other collectibles?

You’ve already got a big collection of toys, many that you bought back from your kids after they received them for Christmas or their birthdays. They’re still in the original boxes and are worth something. Maybe you could head to the local Walmart and buy a bunch of G.I. Joes or Cabbage Patch dolls or whatever’s the latest craze now.

Wait a minute . . . I’m supposed to be finding John Luke here. Not adding to my toy collection.

As you near the entrance to the gymnasium, you see a group of guys you remember well. The Billowby brothers, Henry and Ralph, standing there with a couple of other kids.

The Billowby brothers were the bullies of West Monroe High. Henry was in your class and Ralph a year behind him. They still look smug with their thick, wavy hair and the leather jackets they wore everywhere, even to high school dances. The two other guys they’re with are in tuxedos.

This isn’t just any dance. It must be prom.

You’ve gone back in time to your high school prom.

This is crazy.

But what’s even crazier is that you want to stop and have a nice little chat with the Billowby brothers. You can still remember Henry beating up your best friend on this night.
You’d already taken Korie home, so everything happened after you left the dance.

The big incident everybody still talks about to this day.

You have an idea. . . .

Do you stop to have a little “chat” with Henry Billowby and his gang?
Go here
.

Do you decide your idea isn’t very smart and you should find John Luke and figure out how to get back home?
Go here
.

THAT’S
EXACTLY
WHAT THEY WANT
 
—to get you inside this thing. Maybe they want to lock you up in there. Maybe they’ll fill it with something once you’re stuck and can’t escape.

A fire hose through the duck-shaped opening in the door . . .

A swarm of nasty bugs that will get all over me . . .

A fart bomb that will make me pass out.

Oh no. You’re staying put.

You’re going to stand out here and wait.

John Luke is surely part of the prank. And you have to give it to them
 
—it’s a good one.

So you wait.

Ten minutes later, you hear the shuffling of feet. You see the familiar cap belonging to your older brother Jase.

“A-plus job,” you tell him.

He just walks up to you while staring at the outhouse.

“That is the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen,” he says.

“So where’d you guys get it?”

Jase gives you an innocent look. The thing with your brother
 
—the difference between him and John Luke
 
—is that he has a great poker face. But you know he’s lying. He has to be. He’s gotta be the one up to this.

“I’ve never seen this.”

“Sure you have,” you say.

“I swear. I’ve never seen it. This has to be the ugliest outhouse I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

“John Luke just got inside.”

“He’s in there?” Jase asks.

“No. He disappeared. Like a magic trick.”

“You serious?”

He’s examining the outhouse and asking questions similar to the ones you have about the antennas and the control panel on the front. Soon he manages to open the door.

“John Luke?” Jase asks.

But no John Luke.

“You guys want to get me inside that thing,” you tell him.

“I’ve never seen it in my life.”

He’s really sounding believable.

Jase steps into the small enclosure. You watch and wait for something to happen.

The door slams shut. And once again the lights start flashing.

Here we go again. Magic time!

The lights are different colors from before. One is purple and the other is orange. You wait for them to stop. When they do, you open the door. No sign of Jase when you put your head inside.

Of course Jase would be gone. How wonderful. How convenient.

Once again you’re on your own. The magic show is continuing, and you’re the audience.

So you have a few options here.

Do you get inside and close the door to see what happens?
Go here
.

Do you stay outside and call Korie?
Go here
.

Do you feel your stomach rumbling and decide to grab a bite to eat at Duck Diner?
Go here
.