Will & Patrick Fight Their Feelings (#4) (6 page)

“You do?”

“Sure.” Patrick wipes his mouth with his napkin and drops it on the table. “Take physical pain, it makes sense. It’s about survival. Damaged cells send what amounts to a scream to the brain. It’s a warning signal to help keep the organism alive.” He pokes his fork in Will’s direction. “Tell me, what defines humanity?”

Will considers for a moment and answers, “Empathy.”

“Ah. Debatable.” Patrick’s eyes glitter eagerly. “But never mind. Tell me what purpose empathy serves.”

Will stalls by taking another bite. He’s already injected insulin and he needs to get his carbs in before he goes low. “I don’t know? To inspire us to help each other?”

“Bingo. Love. Friendship. They only make sense in the context of community.” He pokes his fork into the mac ‘n’ joe and takes a bite. “Pain makes sense for body integrity. Emotions only make sense for community integrity.”

“So…is love real?”

“As real as pain.”

So not real at all?

Patrick goes on, “‘Love’ is chemical and electrical impulses. It promotes pair bonding, creates community, and encourages propagation of the species.”

Will feels a strange emptiness open up between his shoulder blades. It’s cold and expanding.

“What?” Patrick asks, his expression going tense.

“You admit to liking some people, but have you ever admitted to loving anyone?”

Patrick shrugs and looks away.

“No one at all?”

He digs into his food again. “I was a child. I didn’t know any better.” He clears his throat. “It’s not that I’m incapable of loving; it’s that I’m unwilling to base my life on a chemically constructed illusion.”

“Because when you were a child, you loved someone, and they hurt you.”

Patrick asks quietly, “Is this about the sex?”

Will’s palms are sweaty but he makes himself eat. “No. Of course not.”

His blue eyes pierce Will disbelievingly.

“No! God, no. I’m happy with how things are. More than happy.”

Patrick’s silent and Will feels like he might puke.

You ruin everything,
Ryan’s voice snarls in his mind.

Will reaches out to take Patrick’s hand. “I’m not threatening to get my gross feelings all over you. I know how you hate that. Look, I like you, and know you like me, but romantic love is the farthest thing from my mind right now.” He laughs shakily. The emptiness between his shoulders throbs. “Don’t freak out.”

Patrick twines his fingers in Will’s and whispers, “I’m not freaking out.”

“I think you are.”

“Okay. I am.”

“Why?”

“Because I like coming in your ass, and on your face, and in your mouth. I like fucking you and sucking you. I like it a lot. I don’t want to mess this up.”

Will touches Patrick’s cheek. He knows Patrick likes more than that. He likes Will as a person too, as a friend. For someone as lonely as Patrick’s been, that’s a lot to lose.

“Me too. I like all of that. A lot. And I promise, you don’t have to worry. We’ll always be friends. For now, while we’re married, I don’t want to stop.”

“I don’t want to stop either.” Patrick presses their palms together. Will’s blood rushes beneath his skin. He pulls Patrick’s hand to his mouth and kisses his knuckles.

“You don’t have to be scared, Patrick,” he whispers. “I’ll prove it to you. I’ve got no designs on your heart. I promise.”

Patrick frowns and stands up, pushing his half-eaten meal away. “Good. Enough with all the ‘feelings’ crap. Finish your dinner before you go low.”

Will watches Patrick head into the bathroom and shut the door. A few seconds later he hears the shower running.
 

The hot water pours down on Patrick and he tries to wash away the panic. His stomach is in knots and his chest hurts. He can’t believe he’s in this predicament.

He talks softly to himself. “It’s chemical. Orgasms release endorphins leading to feelings of contentment, joy, and satisfaction. Oxytocin promotes pair bonding and attachment.” He scrubs at his face. “It’s called the
love
hormone for a reason, idiot.”

Love?
He’s not ready to cop to that, but the affection Will evokes in him has been around for weeks now, since well before they started screwing again. If he knows what’s good for him, he’ll put a stop to the sex before he’s tied to Will Patterson with sunlight-shimmery ropes of biochemical emotions. They’ve already wrapped around his heart, squeezing, and making him
ache
.

Breathing hard, Patrick wants to get back out of the shower, press his wet body against Will’s strong one, and ask, “How do I deal with these feelings? I’m scared as hell. Help me.”

But he can’t.

Because if he does, then it becomes a
thing
that’s out there, an admission he can’t take back. And then things will change. For the first time in his life, he’s got someone in his life he cares about. With Will he has a friendship that’s wormed into the rotten apple core of his heart and made a nest there. And then there’s the seriously amazing sex. He doesn’t want to give it up yet.

It’s just chemical. He’s a genius. Surely, he can remember a simple thing like that.

You don’t have to be scared, Patrick.

Will was so earnest when he said that. It’d only made Patrick’s heart ache more.

Turning the water hotter, he lets it beat against his skin. The bathroom door opens.

“Can I share?” Will asks from outside the shower curtain. “Come and body hair are a deadly combination.”

Patrick takes a deep breath. He can do this. He can be normal. Jerking the curtain aside, he says, “Get your butt in here.”

Will’s lower lip is red like he’s been biting it and his smile is hesitant as he strips out of his robe. “Like what you see?”

“You know I do.” Patrick kisses him, running his hands down Will’s body, body hair scratching at his palms. He wants to flip Will around and fuck him in the shower, see if he can bury his worry deep in Will’s sweet ass. But the condoms are out by the bed.

“You okay?” Will asks, taking hold of Patrick’s hands.

“Fine and dandy.”

“You washed yet?”

“No.”

“Let me do it.” Will kisses Patrick’s knuckles again before pushing him under the shower stream. Then it’s all elbows and wet skin sliding together as they soap up and trade positions beneath the showerhead. His panic calms as Will rubs soap over his shoulders and scratches lightly at his back.

Will says, “So today was weird. I saw Ryan and Hartley’s truck loaded up to leave town.”

“Second verse same as the first.”

“Not this time.”

Irritation pokes painfully under Patrick’s skin, making him snarl. “Did you talk to them?”

“No. I didn’t even see them. Just the truck. But they’ve left town by now, I’m sure. I’m surprised it wasn’t on your
Hurting Times
app.”

“
Adios
, assholes.” Patrick snorts, leaning his head back to thoroughly wet his hair.

Will’s eyes are dark and thoughtful. “I spent so much time trying to make that relationship work and now I wish I could set it on fire and ride into the sunset while it burns.”

Patrick touches his temple. The bruise is mostly gone now, and Will leans forward to kiss the light yellow that lingers.

Will says, “I’m glad what we have doesn’t involve the big emotions.” He smiles warmly, excitement lighting his features. “You’ve helped me see that I’m allowed to have friendship, affection, and great sex without a lifetime commitment.”

The strings around Patrick’s heart tighten. “Mind-blowing concept, huh?”

“It really is. I admit I was uncomfortable buying into the whole ‘sex without love’ thing at first. But I was desperately in love with Ryan—well, in the beginning—and we never felt as good or right as you and I do together.” He frowns. “What I mean is I don’t feel heavy anymore. I feel free. I don’t want anything more than what we already have.” He trails his fingers down the side of Patrick’s face and cups his cheek. “So don’t freak out. You’re safe with me. And I know I’m safe with you.”

Patrick croaks out, “Good. Like I said, I don’t do love.”

“Then this is perfect. We’re perfect. And, once we get divorced, we’ll move on with our lives. You can stay or go, whatever you want.” Will frowns but then brightens again. “I can date around. I don’t have to be tied down. Or I can start looking for someone I can love. But no matter what, we’ll stay friends. Right?”

Throat tight, Patrick nods again. “We’ll always have Paris.”

“Huh?”

“Bogart, Bergman? Means nothing to you?”

“Nope.”

“
Casablanca
.”

“Oh. Never seen it. I’ve heard it’s good, though.” Will motions for Patrick to soap his back. “Ah, that’s nice.”

Patrick grunts and suds him up. He doesn’t trust his voice to speak. Will rinses off, then starts massaging shampoo into Patrick’s hair.

“It’s weird after all these years having a totally open future.”

Patrick closes his eyes and tries to enjoy Will’s fingers in his hair.

“Oh, and speaking of the future, I have some good news. It’s still a few months out, so don’t get too excited.”

“The divorce?” Patrick’s knees go weak and he has to put his hand against the tiles.

Will’s fingers hesitate before he continues massaging Patrick’s head, sliding his hands down to work the knots in his neck and shoulders too. “No, Nonna’s still working on that. I have no idea when we’ll have a breakthrough there. But you’re happy enough for now, aren’t you?”

Relief surges like a cool wave. It shouldn’t. He shouldn’t want this so much but, as he’s discovering, life with Will is what it is. And it’s never what it should be.

Patrick faces Will and rinses. “Tell me. You’re killing me here.”

Will flashes his prettiest grin. “I won an award.”

“Let me guess. The Do-Gooder of the Year award?”

Will laughs. “Yeah. Kinda.”

Patrick pulls Will closer. “Congratulations.” He kisses Will’s shy smile, wanting to draw it deep inside and keep it safe.

Will’s smile grows wider. “Thank you. Healing’s town representatives decided to make a new, local award. They’re going to give it out annually. I’m the first recipient.” He scrunches up his face. “The Will Patterson Hero Award.”

Patrick’s heart thumps. “That’s my puddin’-pop.” Patrick winks and taps Will’s jaw with his fist gently. “Hero and general do-gooder.”

Will flashes a cheesy smile and mimics accepting the award. “Thank you, thank you.” His wet dick waves around as he bows. “I humbly vow to be just as heroic next year.”

“Nope. I’m winning it next year.”

Will laughs. “Fair enough. I’ll put your name in the nomination box.”

“You better. I’m a genius superhero. I save people’s lives with my nimble fingers and my even more nimble mind.”

Will chucks Patrick’s chin softly in imitation of Patrick. “That’s my HottieMcBrainSurgeon.”

Patrick guffaws. The dark knot in his stomach loosens.

Will runs his hands through Patrick’s wet hair. “I won’t actually receive the award until March, but they wanted to make sure I didn’t book anything on my calendar for the same night they’re planning the ceremony.”

“Fancy. Will we need penguin suits?”

“Probably.”

“You’ll have to round up a tux for me.”

“If we’re still married.”

“What are the chances we won’t be?”

Will laughs. “Not so good.” Then he shrugs like he doesn’t mind at all. His chest hair glistens wetly, and Patrick’s eyes follow the trail down to Will’s soft, wet cock. He steps a little closer and rubs his thumb over Will’s lips. “Earlier you wondered what you’re going to do with me.”

“I’m still wondering.”

“I have your answer.” He waves at his hardening cock and leans back against the wet tiles. “Get on your knees and do some good.”

Will’s eyes light up as he slides down to kneel at Patrick’s feet. “I love sucking you off,” he whispers. “Fat and hard in my mouth.” He glances up, a blush on his cheekbones and a hot softness in his eyes. “I love everything we do together.” He looks so sweet taking Patrick’s cock in hand and sucking it into his mouth. He pulls back and kisses the head gently, blinking up at Patrick with affection glowing in his eyes. “Thank you for letting me have this.”