Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love (25 page)

Most women wish their men would take the hint, but few women will tell them directly. Women seem to believe that somehow men will pick up their subtle clues, but it only leaves men confused.

Women who dance provocatively in a nightclub do so to let men know that they might be available to the right person. Men, however, read it as saying they might be available to anyone or everyone. This creates a major area of conflict because of the different ways men and women perceive a woman’s availability. The problem is that men act on their assumptions and are likely to decode friendliness as sexual availability.
Early studies in 1982 by Dr. Antonia Abbey, Department of Community Medicine, Wayne State University, Detroit, and later studies by psychologists Saal, Johnson, and Weber of Kansas State University confirm this. Using actors, they conducted an experiment in which a junior female visited the office of a senior male to discuss a business deadline. The actors were told to be friendly and not flirtatious in any way. Respondents were then asked to watch the video and assess the intentions of the actors. Women watching the interaction said that the female actor was only trying to be friendly (92%) and not sexy or seductive (27%). Men also perceived her as being friendly (87%) but at the same time saw her as being sexy or seductive (55%). In other words, men are twice as likely as women to infer sexual intentions that don’t exist and to act on that assumption. In evolutionary terms, this evolved strategy makes sense because even if a man got it right only a fraction of the time, it still gave him an increased chance of keeping his genes moving forward. Another study showed that if a man discovers a woman is carrying a condom in her purse, his assumption of her sexual intentions multiplies by four. Most women are aware of this “overassumption” and can exploit it by playing up to a man for benefits. This is commonly known as “cock teasing.”

In simple biological terms, the twenty-first-century man will become Mr. Right when his testosterone begins to decline. That’s around age twenty-seven. Past generations of men were married in their teens, as sex was one of the benefits of marriage. For today’s young (and older) men, getting plenty of sex is no longer an issue. It’s available anywhere, anytime, and from a range of different women. Consequently, many of today’s younger men think, Why get stuck in eternal monogamy when I can spread my seed far and wide? From around age twenty-seven, a man starts to become
more caring and passive because his ratio of female to male hormones begins to change direction. He becomes more interested in long-term relationships and begins to think more with his big head than his little one. He will phone a woman for no particular reason and will even cancel a sports date with his mates to go somewhere with her. In the lust and romantic love stages of a relationship, men are high on male hormones and are usually impetuous or overenthusiastic toward a woman in their initial contact—big bunches of flowers are delivered to her at her workplace so that everyone knows about it, and he books romantic dinners at expensive restaurants and uses well-worn expressions of his love. After sex, however, he’s the guy who feels the urge to get out of bed as soon as possible and do something, anything—watch TV, call someone, fix his car, send e-mails, cook, or, if he can’t do any of those things, fall asleep. Anything but be emotionally in bed with the woman. His brain goes into its default mode, which shouts, “The job’s done here—now what’s next?” This usually happens after five sex sessions with the same woman because his brain understands that statistically speaking, five times is enough sex with one female for her to conceive. This is why—unless he’s considering her as a longer-term partner—he starts to lose interest in her by session number six regardless of how acrobatic she may be. If he meets a new female he likes, however, he’ll immediately be raring to go again.

This “five-sex-sessions” phenomenon is also seen in other species, such as male sheep, cows, and pigs. After they have mated an average of five times with one female, the males have trouble getting it up again for an encore. Even when the same females are disguised with rugs and perfume and have bags over their heads, the males still can’t perform. Introduce a new female, however, and the male’s penis will stand at attention. Mother Nature knows what she’s doing—she says, “You’ve done the best you can do after five times. Now go and find another female and help perpetuate your species.” That’s why Mr. Wrong loses interest early, stops making an effort, and it becomes obvious that it’s all about him once again.

Men seeking long-term relationships often start out the same way as men seeking a one-night stand, but when they experience the feelings of long-term attachment, they begin to stay in bed longer and talk, touch, or exhibit other typical female behaviors.

Men’s lack of awareness about how they look in public has always been a mystery to women. Most women are experts at sucking in their stomachs in public or avoiding sitting at an angle of 90 degrees in a bikini in case a small roll of fat can be seen. It’s commonplace, however, to see a man who looks nine months pregnant sending smiles and gazes to a woman across a room or a man wearing Speedo budgie-smugglers having a conversation with several women, apparently oblivious to the fact that his Speedos were never taught that it’s impolite to point.

Men are silently aware that their value on the mating market is largely dependent on their ability to gather resources, not how they look. For a woman, any success she may have with resources can be seen as a threat to men, whereas her
physical appearance and potential to produce offspring are regarded as a premium. Whereas she needs to wear a black skirt to keep her butt looking small, he only needs a Rolex or a BMW to counter a fat gut.

Most men have a better body image than women.

A fetish is an external stimulus that makes a connection between a past mental experience and sexual feelings. Much of this behavior comes from childhood and adolescence. The fetish triggers the sex drive and makes the person want to relive the fetish scenario. It may be a related piece of clothing, a smell, a color, a fabric, obesity, or old age. You name it—whether it’s a shoe or a salmon, an ankle or a toothbrush—some guy somewhere has a fetish for it. When men fantasize, they imagine body parts, shapes, and positions—they don’t visualize whether a woman is a great homemaker, whether she can sing, or if she wants world peace. The porn sites on the Internet are flooded with fetish images of every type imaginable, and 99% of the viewers of these sites are believed to be male.

Because men are so stimulated by visual images, over 90% of what is classified as “deviant” behavior involves men. Around 97% of all convictions in the United States involving peering through someone’s window are against men. For the same motivations, men visit strip clubs and look at girly magazines.

Like women, men worry about their flaws, but they don’t let them control their lives as women do. Here’s what men worry about most:

Men think and worry about these things but rarely mention them to anyone. And you’ll
never
hear a man say to his male friends, “Hey, guys, do you think I’m an unsuccessful, balding, fat slob who’s a lousy dresser with a little dick?” Men don’t like mentioning their failings to anyone. You shouldn’t mention them either, as it can be crushing to a man’s ego and create tension in the relationship.

For most people, “I love you” is blurted out near the beginning of a relationship, when both partners are high on hormones and probably having trouble remembering even their own names. For a woman, she’s likely to start exhibiting nesting behaviors such as picking curtains, cuddling teddy bears, cooking meals for him (if she doesn’t already), noticing couples with babies everywhere, and talking in “happily-ever-after” terms. Typically, this time becomes scary for a man, and he may even wish he’d never said “I love you.” He must live up to this statement and its implications today, tomorrow, or maybe forever. So unless he’s hoping to have sex with a woman and is in a rush of hormones, he’ll avoid saying it.

A woman stays in a relationship with an unsuitable man under the illusion that he’ll change now that he’s with her or that “love conquers all.” She refuses to acknowledge that he treats her badly or doesn’t really love her. She doesn’t even notice how she’s slipped from “beautiful princess” to “bitch” in just six months. If a woman is unsure of a man’s love, she can ask her closest female friends for their opinion and insist they tell the truth. In other words, phone a friend or ask the audience. Although many women are not good at spotting deficiencies in their own relationships, they are excellent at spotting them in other couples. Most women don’t realize how little love existed in a relationship until they are out of it, but a woman’s female friends can “see” the truth, so ask them.

Men love to meet women who profess that “love conquers all”—it means that with a good delivery of the right “love phrases” at the right time, she’ll be easy to get into bed.

1. “What are you thinking about?”
   

2. “Do you love me?”
   

3. “Do I look fat?”
   

4. “Do you think she is prettier than me?”
   

5. “What would you do if I died?”
   

What makes these questions so difficult for a man to deal with is that they are all guaranteed to explode into a major argument if he answers incorrectly—that is, if he tells the truth. Below is an analysis of each question, along with possible responses.

The proper answer to this is, “I’m sorry if I have been a bit distant, darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are and how lucky I am to have you in my life.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the truth, which most likely is one of the following:

• a. “Nothing.”
  

• b. “Football.”
  

• c. “Angelina Jolie naked.”
  

• d. “How fat you are.”
  

• e. “How I would spend the insurance money if you died.”
  

The correct response is “Yes! I’m crazy about you!” Inappropriate responses include:

• a. “Sure! Heaps! Can we have sex now?”
  

• b. “Would it make you feel better if I said yes?”
  

• c. “Can you define the word ‘love’?”
  

• d. “I’m your husband…. That’s my job.”
  

• e. “I have sex with you, don’t I?”
  

• f. “Who, me?”
  

The correct answer is an emphatic “Absolutely not! You look perfect!” Among the incorrect answers are:

• a. “Compared to what?”
  

• b. “I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.”
  

• c. “A little extra weight looks good on you.”
  

• d. “I’ve seen fatter.”
  

• e. “No. I inadvertently put a twenty-pound weight on the scale when you were on it.”
  

• f. “Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.”