Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (49 page)

If you choose to believe that your life could be free of abuse, or that the whole world could be, you will be taunted by similar voices, some originating inside your own head. Some people feel threatened by the concept that abuse is a solvable problem, because if it is, there’s no excuse for not solving it. Abusers and their allies are reluctant to face up to the damage they have done, make amends, and live differently in the future, so they may choose to insult those who address the problem of abuse. But the taunts and invalidation will not stop you, nor will they stop the rest of us, because the world has come too far to go back. There are millions of people who have taken stands against partner abuse across the globe and are now unwilling to retreat, just like the woman who gets a taste of life without the abuser and then can’t live under his control anymore, because the taste of freedom and equality is too sweet.

• Once we tear the cover of excuses, distortions, and manipulations off of abusers, they suddenly find abuse much harder to get away with.
  
• If Mothers Against Drunk Driving can change the culture’s indifference to alcohol-related automotive deaths, we can change the culture’s attitude toward partner abuse.
  
• Everyone has a role to play in ending abuse.
  
• If you are trying to assist an abused woman, get help and support for
  yourself
  as well (see “Resources”).
  
• All forms of chronic mistreatment in the world are interwoven. When we take one apart, all the rest start to unravel as well.
  

B
ELOW YOU WILL FIND
a wide collection of books, videos, websites, and organizations. These resources offer support, guidance, and inspiration to abused women, to loved ones wishing to help them, and to community members interested in addressing the wider problem of abuse and violence in our society. Many of the resources listed below refer to physical violence in their titles or descriptions, but they are nonetheless
all
relevant to women who have experienced verbal, economic, or sexual coercion by a partner, regardless of whether actual assaults or threats have been involved. If you do not have Web access and are interested in pursuing some of the Internet resources listed here, try your public library—many libraries offer free time on computers connected to the Internet.

F
OR
W
OMEN OF
A
LL
B
ACKGROUNDS

• National Domestic Violence Hotline for the United States and Canada: 1-800-799-SAFE.
  

Call this number to receive a referral to the closest hotline in your area for abused women.
The use of this number is not restricted to women who have experienced physical violence:
Women and teens are welcome to call with any issue regarding verbal abuse or control in a relationship, or just because something is happening in their relationship that is making them uncomfortable.

• Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network Hotline (Rain): 1-800-656-4673.
  

Call this number if you have been sexually assaulted or sexually abused by your partner or ex-partner (or by anyone else), and you will be connected immediately to the sexual assault hotline closest to you.

• When Love Goes Wrong: What to Do When You Can’t Do Anything Right,
  by Ann Jones and Susan Schechter (HarperPerennial).
  

This is the essential book for women who are seeking guidance on how to cope with a controlling partner and how to move toward freedom and recovery. It is practical, down-to-earth, and accurate, and it covers in detail a wide range of issues that women face.

• It’s
  My
  Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence,
  by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger Hock (Routledge).
  

Despite the title, this book is equally valuable for women who are still involved with an angry or controlling partner and for those who have left. This is a wonderful, warm, compassionate book by authors who deeply understand both emotional and physical abuse.

• The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond,
  by Patricia Evans (Bob Adams).
  

Evans’s book takes the reader through the details of verbally abusive tactics in relationships, and it explains how to understand their effects on you. The author offers terrific insight and practical advice. (The book contains a couple of the common misconceptions about the psychology of abusers, but this is a very minor drawback compared to its many strengths.)

• Into the Light: A Guide for Battered Women,
  by Leslie Cantrelli (Chas. Franklin Press).
  

This booklet is short and simple, with accurate information and good advice. This is a great resource for a woman who does not have the time or energy for the longer books listed above, or who wants to have quick inspiration handy.

• Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages,
  by Susan Weitzman (Basic Books).
  

A valuable exposé of abuse among the wealthy, with important guidance for abused women. Weitzman’s descriptions of abusive men are accurate and helpful (though a couple of the myths slip in). I recommend this book highly.

F
OR
T
EENAGERS AND
T
HEIR
P
ARENTS

• What Parents Need to Know About Dating Violence,
  by Barrie Levy and Patricia Occhiuzzo Giggam (Seal Press).
  

The essential book for parents who are concerned that their daughters or sons may be involved in abusive dating relationships. Compassionate, insightful, and highly practical, written by people who grasp the wide range of anxieties and challenges that parents face.

• In Love and Danger—A Teen’s Guide to Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships,
  by Barrie Levy (Seal Press).
  

A guide for the teenager herself in responding to an abusive or controlling partner, written in just the right tone and language to reach adolescents—an excellent book. It’s out of print, so look for it used or at the library, or try to find it online.

F
OR
W
OMEN OF
C
OLOR

• Chain Chain Change: For Black Women in Abusive Relationships,
  by Evelyn C. White (Seal Press).
  

This excellent book remains the key reading resource for any African American woman who is involved with a controlling or abusive partner. It provides general information combined with guidance that is specific to the black woman’s experience, and it includes a section that speaks to abused black lesbians.

• Mejor Sola Que Mal Acompañada: For the Latina in an Abusive Relationship,
  by Myrna Zambrano (Seal Press).
  

Zambrano’s book for Latina women in abusive relationships is available in a bilingual edition, making it readable for women who use either Spanish or English as their primary language. This excellent resource speaks to the cultural context in which Latinas live, and it offers specific validation and recommendations.

• Black Eyes All of the Time: Intimate Violence, Aboriginal Women, and the Justice System,
  by Anne McGillivray and Brenda Comaskey (University of Toronto).
  

The experience of abused indigenous (native) women is told largely in their own voices in this wonderful and groundbreaking volume. Although there are a few portions where the writers use some difficult academic language, the great majority of the book is highly accessible and moving.

• Mending the Sacred Hoop
  202 E. Superior St.
  Duluth MN 55802
  (218) 722-2781 www.duluth-model.org, then select “Mending the Sacred Hoop”
  

This project of Minnesota Program Development focuses on addressing the abuse of women in tribal cultures.

• Institute on Domestic Violence in the African American Community
  University of Minnesota School of Social Work
  290 Peters Hall
  1404 Gortner Ave.
  St. Paul MN 55108-6142
  (877) 643-8222 www.dvinstitute.org
  

This organization’s website includes resources for abused women themselves, while also reaching out to policy makers, researchers, and other concerned community members.

• National Latino Alliance for the Elimination of Domestic Violence
  P.O. Box 22086
  Ft. Washington Station
  New York NY 10032
  (646) 672-1404 www.dvalianza.org
  

Mostly oriented toward research and policy. Extensive listings.

• Asian and Pacific Islander Institute on Domestic Violence
  942 Market St., Suite 200
  San Francisco CA 94102
  (415) 954-9964
  www.apiahf.org, then select “Programs,” then select the Institute.
  

F
OR
L
ESBIANS

• Naming the Violence: Speaking Out About Lesbian Battering,
  edited by Kerry Lobel (Seal Press).
  

Regrettably, this 1986 book is out of print, but you can find it through a library, a used-book store, or online. The personal stories of many abused lesbians are shared here to help you to identify the problem and know that you are not alone.

• Woman-to-Woman Sexual Violence: Does She Call It Rape?,
  by Lori Girshick Northeastern University Press).
  

With the stories of survivors of sexual assaults by same-sex partners woven through, this book reports on an important survey and helps bring to light a seldom-examined aspect of intimate partner abuse.

• Lesbians Talk: Violent Relationships,
  by Joelle Taylor and Tracy Chandler (Scarlet Press).
  

This is a short book that draws from the voices of women themselves to describe the problem of abuse in lesbian relationships and offers solutions.

• Same-Sex Domestic Violence: Strategies for Change,
  by Beth Leventhal and Sandra Lundy (Sage Publications).
  

This well-written and insightful book offers guidance to community members who want to address the needs of abused lesbians and gay men, explaining the structuring of service provision and the overcoming of institutional barriers.

• On the Web, try going to Gayscape and doing a search for “domestic violence”—many listings are available for organizations, publications, and websites.
  

F
OR
I
MMIGRANT AND
R
EFUGEE
W
OMEN

• Family Violence Prevention Fund
  383 Rhode Island St., Suite 304
  San Francisco CA 94103-5133
  (415) 252-8900
  www.endabuse.org, then select “Immigrant Women,” then select “Help Is
  Available”
  

FVPF helps abused immigrant women to get information about their rights and options and to find referrals to programs in their area.

• NOW Legal Defense and Education Fund
  Immigrant Women’s Project
  1522 K St., NW, Suite 550
  Washington DC 20005
  (202) 326-0040
  www.nowldef.org, then select “Issues,” then select “Immigrant Women”
  

• National Lawyers Guild
  National Immigration Project
  14 Beacon St., Suite 602
  Boston MA 02108 617) 227-9727
  www.nlg.org, then select “National Immigration Project,” then select “Domestic Violence”
  

A
BOUT
C
HILDREN OF
A
BUSED
W
OMEN

• Childhood Experiences of Domestic Violence,
  by Caroline McGee (Jessica Kingsley).
  

Although this is a professional book, it is very readable and compassionate. McGee understands the challenges an abused mother faces. Told largely in the words of mothers and children themselves, this is the single best introduction I have found to the experiences of children exposed to an abusive man, with extensive guidance for how to effectively assist them to safety and recovery.

• The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics,
  by Lundy Bancroft and Jay Silverman (Sage Publications).
  

Although this professional book focuses on physically abusive men, the great majority of what we cover applies to verbally abusive and controlling men as well. We explain how an abusive man can affect the relationships between a mother and her children and between siblings, and how abusers may try to continue their control through the children postseparation. Abused mothers, including those involved in the family court system, report finding this book both validating and helpful.

• Children Who See Too Much: Lessons From the Child Witness to Violence Project,
  by Betsy McAlister Groves (Beacon Press).
  

This book is for parents or professionals who are assisting children who have been exposed to serious physical violence, including domestic violence, to help them understand children’s emotional reactions and their recovery needs. It is brief but very clear and helpful.

A
BOUT
C
HILD
C
USTODY
, D
IVORCE, AND
C
HILD
S
UPPORT

• Resource Center on Domestic Violence: Child Protection and Custody, operated by the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges. 1-800-527-3223.
  

The Resource Center offers a free packet of information for abused women in custody and visitation litigation. It does not become involved in specific cases or provide legal advice. The Center also offers a book called
Managing Your Divorce
that helps women prepare for the process of resolving child custody, visitation, and child support.

• Women and Children Last: Custody Disputes and the Family “Justice” System,
  by Georgina Taylor, Jan Barnsley, and Penny Goldsmith of the Vancouver (BC) Custody and Access Support and Advocacy Association.
  

This excellent book prepares abused mothers for the difficult emotional and legal challenges of family court litigation, to help increase their ability to keep their children safe and maintain custody. Advocates and concerned community members can also benefit from the explanations of how the family court system works and why abused women can find the environment so hostile. (For ordering information, call Vancouver Status of Women at (604) 255-6554.)

• The Battered Mothers Testimony Project: A Human Rights Report on Child Custody and Domestic Violence.
  

This activist project interviewed forty abused women about their experiences of being revictimized by family courts through the abuser’s use of custody and visitation litigation, and also interviewed numerous judges, custody evaluators, and advocates. The project report, which exposes these systemic abuses as violations of women’s internationally recognized human rights, is available from: Publication Office, Wellesley Centers for Women, Wellesley College, (781) 283-2510, or at www.wcwonline.org.

• Small Justice: Little Justice in America’s Family Courts,” a video by Garland Waller of Boston University.
  

This one-hour video documents three cases in which abused women faced systematic mistreatment by family courts as they attempted to protect their children from domestic violence and sexual abuse. This well-made and carefully researched film is an important resource for community members working for court reforms. (Available from Intermedia, 1-800-553-8336)

• Divorced from Justice: The Abuse of Women and Children by Divorce Lawyers and Judges,
  by Karen Winner (Regan Books).
  

This is another book that is out of print, but you can find it at libraries, used-book stores, or online. The stories are painful ones, and this makes the book heavy reading, but Winner offers crucial advice to women and to anyone who is trying to help them, and she also gives important suggestions to people interested in working for court reform.