Who Are You? (30 page)

‘I’d have told you.’ Would she? She could be lying. One of his basic rules: never take someone at face value, never place trust in someone until it’s been earned. People have their own agendas, and they’re not always transparent or even logical. ‘I tried her mobile, but it’s dead. I tried her email too but so far nothing. I keep asking myself, why would she just up and go like that?’ Alex knows she’s fishing. He can guess what’s behind it. She needs to reassure herself that he was telling her the truth last night. She’s worried that Alex is lying. Well, she’s a bright girl. It’s understandable.

‘She was worried that I might take Ben away from her. After Christmas I told her that things couldn’t go on like this. She didn’t like to hear it, but I told her she had a problem. She’s got an addictive personality. There’s something else you don’t know about her …’ Alex pauses for effect. ‘She used to be a heroin addict.’

‘What? Juliet? Oh come on, Alex, you’re not serious.’

‘In her early twenties, before we met. She’d been in and out of rehab. That girl was so screwed up but I took her on. I loved her. I think it was the wildness in her that attracted me. I thought I could be the one to tame her. Apparently not, though. She had a couple of relapses when we were first married. She didn’t appreciate me locking her in a room, making her go cold turkey. Yeah, I was hard on her, but for her own good. I think she came to recognize that. And me being away a lot of the time didn’t help. I hoped that being a mother would calm her down. But it seems not.’

Alex needs more coffee. He pours one both for himself and for Rowena. ‘Thanks.’ He senses that she is not about to leave now that she is getting a proper story out of him. Prurience and curiosity – like fishing with a spinner – never fails to catch the prey.

‘So,’ she says, confirming she is well and truly hooked, ‘that must have been
awful
. Tough on you, as well as her.’ She obviously doesn’t know which way to swing just yet, so she is walking the middle line.

‘Yeah, but you know, when you love someone you do your best, don’t you? Until it gets too hard to handle.’

‘So what happened at Christmas – you mentioned the row?’ He laughs drily. ‘Which one? There were several. But the worst one was the night she picked up all the bruises. Christ, she was drunk. She said she’d tell people that I’d beaten her up, that I was violent and that she’d make sure I was denied access to Ben. But for all that, I still love her because I know she’s so incredibly vulnerable – and volatile. I’m worried that if I make a clumsy attempt at going after her, if she feels cornered, with police turning up and all that entails, then she could be pushed over the edge. You know what I’m saying?’

Rowena is looking a little paler than she did when she arrived. She nods, and her mouth is attempting to frame words but no sound is coming out. She has a couple of sips of coffee. Finally she says: ‘I don’t know … God, this is ridiculous. I just don’t know what to say.’

‘Yeah. It’s pretty terrifying. But I know what I’m doing. There’s other ways of tracking people.’

‘And knowing you, you’ve got the right contacts.’

‘What would make you think that?’

‘Oh come on, Alex, your Army career, the fact that you’re so secretive … We can only guess …’

‘I’m sorry, but I’m not half the romantic figure you make me out to be.’

‘No, just bloody inscrutable. But one thing still bothers me.’ Alex lifts his eyebrows, guessing what’s coming. ‘Caroline Hunt. What you did to her. Part of me wonders if you could do that, then you might be capable of coming up with all sorts of stories about Juliet.’ She watches Alex’s features. He rocks his head backwards, in feigned shock.

‘What?’

‘I’m only saying what people might think, especially after Caroline.’

‘OK, if you
really
want to know the truth, I was heading for the loo, and I didn’t know she was behind me. She pinched my arse. Seriously! I was a bit taken aback. So I turned around because I really wasn’t sure who it was, and she just grinned. Then she pulled me into a room and started making out – feeling me, stroking me, making suggestions. I was stupid because I just got angry. I knew about their reputation for playing around, and I just wanted to teach her a lesson. Sorry, but I didn’t particularly appreciate being treated like a piece of meat. She took her knickers off and gave them to me, so I merely passed them on to her husband. I didn’t want to tell you at the drinks party because … well, to be honest, I felt a bit of a dick being set up like that.’

‘They do have a reputation, those two. I know I shouldn’t say this, but part of me thinks, good for you. Time they were humiliated into acting decently.’ Rowena looks at her watch. ‘God, sorry, got to get back. Look, Alex, I’m really sorry about everything … what you’ve been through, both of you. None of us really knows what goes on behind closed doors. You never really know people, even if you think you do. I’m sorry about Juliet and just hope to God that both she and Ben are all right. Honestly, if you think of anything I can do, then let me know.’

She looks at him for a moment, as if deciding what to do, and then she steps forward and puts her arms around his shoulders and gives him a big hug. ‘Take care, won’t you?’

He gives her a brief hug in return. ‘Thanks, Rowena. It’s been good to have someone to talk to.’

Once he’s closed the door behind her Alex goes back to his computer and refreshes the page. He needs to watch something one more time.

CHAPTER

20

Juliet has spent a very quiet day with Ben. They’ve played board games, done puzzles, built Lego, watched a couple of movies, caught up on CBeebies, all of which has kept Ben happy, and given Juliet the opportunity to recover from her almighty hangover. What the hell did she think she was doing? Imagining that she was
actually
back in her early twenties, with no responsibilities, no care for the consequences, no acknowledgement of the fact that she had a small child upstairs dependent upon her? Christ, she had no idea what happened after she passed out. Whether Mark had left last night or this morning was a mystery to her. She couldn’t really remember what they’d talked about, but had a vague recollection that it all got rather heavy and the uncomfortable sensation that she may have given away far more than was wise. The only thing she had to be grateful for was the fact that Mark was a seasoned hand at dealing with emotionally and physically traumatized women like herself and Claire. Poor bloke.

Ben is much cuddlier today and she thinks … hopes … that he will settle down. He’s always had this thing about Alex, about wanting Daddy, because it’s like his fallback way of getting at her when he doesn’t get what he wants. Funny how even children as young as Ben can be so incredibly manipulative. They know what buttons to push to achieve maximum damage. The Daddy card, as she silently calls it, because Daddy was hardly ever around. He could scream and scream until he was blue in the face about wanting bloody Daddy. ‘Mummy, you’re naughty … Mummy, I’m scared of you … Mummy, don’t want you … don’t like you … hate you … bad Mummy.’ Just how Daddy wanted it. She doesn’t think she has a real reason to feel anxious about last night, but she certainly feels embarrassed. The aftermath said a lot more than words ever could. The bottles on the coffee table, the stub of the joint in the ashtray, and then poor Ben having to deal with an unconscious mother. Not exactly the best example of responsible parenting, but luckily she doesn’t have to worry about Mark contacting social services seeing as he’s the one who provided the drugs. She likes him, but she wouldn’t want him to get the wrong idea about their relationship, and neither does she want to be lured back into any kind of drug culture. That would
really
please Alex. God, what would he make of her behaviour? He’d have a bloody field day. Alcohol, drugs, irresponsible parenting; letting a stranger into her and Ben’s life; giving away her most terrible, darkest secrets. Not just her secrets – Alex’s secrets. Maybe she
shouldn’t
have been quite so open with him, but it really did feel very good, like chucking out something that’s been festering for a long time. Last night was a definite one-off and from now on she needs to make sure that whoever she is spending time with can be trusted, not only for her sake, but for Ben’s too. She knows from bitter experience just what can go wrong when you let someone come into your child’s life. They charm, they groom, they dupe and then they abuse. No, she must be careful. Maybe Mark’s not going to be an ideal influence in their lives. But it’s tricky because they’re living in his house and she doesn’t know anyone else to turn to apart from her internet support groups. She’ll start looking for somewhere a bit more permanent, and think about going to a solicitor to see if she can get some legal protection put in place. She’s read about non- molestation orders and might try to get one of those, but she hates the idea of having to face Alex in court, and of having to return to London for potential hearings, and she knows that it will only serve to make him even more angry and unpredictable. She also knows that he’ll be doing his damndest now to blacken her name, and so perhaps she should call Rowena and let her know the truth about why she’s left, in case Alex tries to poison her mind. So much to think about, and so much of it hinges on distrust, and subterfuge and games. But it’s time to start trusting people again and to believe that there are really good people out there, people like Claire and Mark.

Hi Claire
I know I’ve said it before, but thanks for everything. Your brother is so kind. The house … everything … It’s so perfect for Ben and me. Ben – God, can’t believe I’ve had yet another crisis – fell off a kitchen stool and gashed his head. So ended up having to take him to casualty. Your lovely brother came with us and was just brilliant. Ben’s fine but it was really scary. Can you imagine if my OH knew about it? He’d no doubt blame it on me, say I was being irresponsible; one more reason for him to take Ben away from me. And OMG!!! Last night!!! I cooked supper for Mark – well I threw some sauce onto spaghetti, and we had a bit of a session. I think he must think I’m a complete and utter nutcase cos I ended up pissed and pouring my heart out. Christ! So much stuff that I’ve never told anyone else. He’s a good listener, isn’t he? You’re really lucky to have a brother like that. I’m just glad I didn’t make a complete fool of myself by throwing myself at him, ha ha. Though I could easily have done.

I feel so much better now that I’m away from London. I don’t know what I want in the future. I do still love Alex, believe it or not. I think I’m addicted to him. Did I ever mention my addictive personality? But I can’t go back, it’s much too dangerous. I haven’t had time to miss him yet, but I guess I will. Funny, but I can’t think about the future at the moment, it’s all I can do just to get through each day. Yeah, it’s a bit lonely, but I’ll make new friends. I shall also have to think about getting some kind of job. I’m OK for money for the moment, but I need to do something, more to keep me sane than anything else. I don’t have any qualifications and I dabble a bit with painting, but that’s not going to pay the bills and put a roof over our heads, long term. I really wanted to go to art college but I – excuse the language – fucked it up when I could have gone, after school. There were other problems in my life. God, looking back I can’t really remember a time when my life wasn’t full of problems. But I’ve just got to try and stay positive, otherwise I think I might just crack up.

Maybe now … dunno … if Ben and I moved somewhere near a college – Bristol or Bath perhaps. Just thinking aloud. Probably cos I haven’t had anyone to talk to for so long. And knowing what you went through, well all of this seems minor in comparison. I really hope you’re OK now. Give me your address cos I want to send you something. Maybe you’ll come and visit soon. Am sooooo looking forward to meeting you.

Love and hugs
Juliet XX

Juliet’s just pressed send when she hears a tapping noise on the kitchen window. She looks up and sees Mark there. He’s got a beanie hat pulled low over his forehead, making him look rather dodgy, especially coupled with the dark beard growth on his chin. She waves and shouts ‘Come in’. He wipes his walking boots on the doormat and shrugs off his jacket. The cold draught from the miserable day hits Juliet. ‘Come in, close the door,’ she says. He pulls off the hat. And then there’s a few seconds’ awkwardness between them, before they say in unison, ‘About last night …’ which makes them both laugh.

‘Bloody hell, Mark. You look just about as bad as I feel. What did you do to me?’

‘Nothing you weren’t willing to participate in, missus.’

Juliet shakes her head. ‘I am a complete and utter disgrace. But you did actually lead me astray. And God only knows what I said to you. Do me a favour, eh? Just forget everything. Wipe it from your mind … please?’

‘Already have. Can’t remember a thing.’

‘Yeah … right. But thanks, anyway.’

‘Ben OK?’

‘Watching DVDs. But he put the fear of God in me this morning. I was fast asleep and so he helped himself to some bread – unsliced bread. I had visions of us ending up in Casualty again. They’d probably have arrested me, brought in social services … and then maybe they’d have done a drugs test … Oh Lord, listen to me, my mind on overdrive, worrying about the things that haven’t happened when I’ve got enough to think about with the things that
have
happened.’

Mark’s shaking his head. Juliet is expecting him to smile, but he doesn’t. There’s definitely something different about him today.

‘Do you mind if I go upstairs and check on something?’

‘No, be my guest. It’s your house.’

Juliet sticks the kettle on, and she can hear Mark’s footsteps moving around. Her bedroom is directly over the kitchen and she wonders what he might be doing in there. Then she hears him walking along the landing, into the bathroom. The sound of the loo flushing. He’s gone for a good few minutes.

When he returns, she asks: ‘Everything OK?’

‘Yeah. Fine. The guttering’s not great, and some of the roof tiles are a bit loose, so I just wanted to check – after all the rain we’ve had – that no damp was getting in. It’s all right. You know what it’s like with houses like these. Always a bloody problem somewhere.’