Whispering Minds (23 page)

“Look, Travis. I don’t know what you think, but I can explain.”

“Leave it. There’s nothing to explain. I thought I knew you. I guess I didn’t.”

Thoughts tumbled through my mind, and I reached for the door handle. “You can’t walk away from me. That’s not you. That’s not who I know. And if you do this, you are no better than me. No different, and no less a hypocrite.”

“I’m not a hypocrite. I never promised anything, and I sure as heck never pretended to be anyone different than who I am.”

“I thought you loved me.” It was a cheap shot, but the only truth I could grasp on to. I hated myself the moment the words spilled into the air.

In one swift motion Travis pulled me against him and crushed his lips to mine. I gasped for breath, stealing his, sharing it between us. Nothing had ever tasted sweeter. My hand found his hair, tangled in his silken braid, pulled him closer to me and my needs.

His teeth nipped my lip, sealed the kiss. He pulled back, his voice ragged. “I always will. But sometimes that’s not enough.”

Chapter 29

I drove myself back to Clarence’s, listening as the radio announcers ushered in the New Year. I could only hope this one would be better than the last. I kept my tears at bay while Clarence directed me to a room at the top of the steps. I would be staying there, down the hall from Mom. I immediately recognized the quilt on the bed as one Granny and I had made years ago when I stayed with her. She told me she needed help making it for a friend.

I pulled the heavy blanket off the bed and wrapped it around me before curling up. It smelled like cinnamon and that same sweet smoke that reminded me of Travis. I rolled over to get more comfortable. My breath heaved in my chest.

You have no right to cry, Gemi. You did this to yourself.

When sleep didn’t come, I flipped on the nightstand lamp. I pulled my knees to my chest and rocked myself like Luna had done in her corner of the yellow room, like I had done for Mom in the hospital. It soothed me.

The clock chimed one, and I picked up a framed picture from the nightstand.

Three heads. Two blonde, one dark as night. The trio faced away from the camera, three little bodies on the dock at Granny’s overlooking the pond. Three fishing poles tipped up and away. I traced my finger down the dark braid on the boy in the middle. Travis. I knew it as well as I knew my name.

Travis, Jimmy and me.

Travis. Jimmy. And me.

I doubled over from the emotional swell that threatened to crush me. I knew Travis as a kid. I’d known him my whole life. Just like I’d known my brother. Only this time, I didn’t need a notebook to remember. Tears streamed down my face as I digested the enormity of this discovery. Why had he never told me? Why had everyone pretended we were strangers? How could I have not known?

I gazed at the photo again. Travis, Jimmy and me, as kids, fishing for the tiny perch in a newly fresh memory.

Another object on the table drew my attention. The silly stuffed rabbit that Clarence had carried into the hospital room and again had in his office. Jimmy’s rabbit. I’d last seen it in Trav’s truck the night of our fight.

I picked up the tattered rabbit and caressed the scar where a black beaded eye had once been, where an ear was sewn back on. The matted fur stirred something within me. Another lost memory, but this one physical. I rubbed the tail between my fingers and held the rabbit up to my cheek. It smelled exactly like the quilt. I squeezed the stuffed bunny until my fingers found the hard cinnamon sticks Granny had sewn into the body for me.

Back before the Big Secret when my dad still smiled, he used to chew cinnamon gum.

These were mine.

My picture. My rabbit. My memories.

I swung my legs off the bed and rushed downstairs.

Clarence waited for me beside the fireplace. A cup of hot chocolate sat on the side table next to an empty chair. I sat at the open invitation. “How did you get these?”

Clarence puffed on his pipe, sending a stream of smoke into the air. “You gave them to me.”

I shook my head. “But why?”

“Ahhh, my Gem. Close your eyes and look with your heart. The answer is there, just waiting to get tugged out like a summer sliver under your skin.”

I closed my eyes. When no huge revelation emerged, I opened them again and looked toward Clarence for help.

He chuckled softly. “You can’t force a memory, Gemi, or it becomes false. A trick of the mind, put there by your needs. It will come when you need it.”

“That’s it?”

He indicated the cup. “Drink up.”

I settled in with the rabbit tucked under my arm and the picture across my lap. “I’m sorry for causing you so much trouble and for stealing Granny’s car. I’ll be gone tomorrow then you won’t have to worry about me anymore.”

“And where will you go, my dear?”

“Anywhere. I just want to start over.”

“I knew a young man who ran away once. In the end, he came back. I think he learned there really is no such thing as starting over. No matter how much we wish to forget, we carry our pasts with us. Your father…”

“…is not my dad, and I don’t want to talk about him.”

“True, but to deny him is to deny your grandmother.” He glanced at the same portrait that had been in Trav’s house. The four generation picture of women. “Those are my loves. My wife. My daughter. My granddaughter. And little Abi.”

My eyes fell to the picture on my lap.

Clarence’s voice mirrored my thoughts. “Just as those are your loves.”

“But Travis told me your family was gone.”

“Travis is right. But gone does not mean forever.”

Forever and always.

“Abi is Travis’s niece. Catrina is his sister.”

It unnerved me the way he used the present tense like they were still alive and still a part of Trav’s life when I knew they were dead. Killed in a car crash by a drunk driver.

“And Jimmy?” I needed someone to tell me the answers that my parents and grandmother had not.

Clarence sucked on his pipe and let the smoke and silence linger between us. “Would you prefer if your mom told you this?”

I pushed the hair away from my eyes, looked again at the picture of Travis, Jimmy and me and considered Mom’s journey back to sobriety. It could be months before I’d get a straight answer. I needed them now. “No, I don’t think I can wait anymore.”

“Jimmy is your brother.”

That same present tense. My skin crawled and goose bumps popped out on my arms. I leaned closer to the fire to capture the artificial warmth. “I finally figured that out. Tonight, as a matter of fact. But how do you know this? How are we,” I waved my hand across the glass and the three carefree figures on the dock, “together?”

Clarence rocked back in his chair. “Our families were very close. Two months after your father…after Dan was born, your grandfather passed away. Your father couldn’t deal with it, and at seventeen he left home. He didn’t return until he married and had a son.”

“Jimmy.” The name came out a whisper.

“Yes, Jimmy. For the first time, he and Sophia had a happy relationship. Two years later, we welcomed a little girl into their family.”

“Me.”

Clarence smiled. “Your grandmother was delighted when you were born. She had missed Jimmy’s birth. But you? She loved you before you were born. We all did.”

“Everyone, but my dad.” It seemed there was no avoiding conversation about him.

“Even your dad. He loved you and Jimmy very much and worked hard to provide the best for you both. When he was on the road, you and Jimmy would spend weeks at a time at Sophia’s. Travis, too. You three grew up together, catching tadpoles and cooking hot dogs over the camp fire. Your tree fort is still back in those woods somewhere. If it hasn’t fallen down yet.”

And Abi. She’d been with us too. Playing dolls when the boys hunted and baking treats for us to share in the tree house. She’d also inherited her great grandfather’s gift of weaving captivating stories out of our adventures. The Great Turkey was one of our favorites.

Travis and Jimmy had hunted the Great Turkey with their stick and yarn bows. What they brought to the tree house table was a handful of fall leaves they swore were feathers. To commemorate the successful hunt, my mom helped Abi and me knit the hat we later gifted to Clarence.

Two of the four were gone, never to hunt or bake again.

“What happened?”

Clarence’s eyes flickered to the picture on the wall. “Everything changed after the car accident.”

Pain stabbed my temple, and I closed my eyes. My dad’s words to Travis—“Hurt my daughter and I’ll hurt you.”—and in the hospital to Clarence—“What the hell are you doing here?”—came flooding back.

In my mind’s eye, Sarah Stemple stood ramrod straight in another hospital in another time—“I was your case worker after your dad’s accident.”

Clarence’s words sunk in, and my stomach rebelled. “My dad did it, didn’t he? He killed your family.”

“Oh heaven’s no, child. They were two completely different accidents, both devastating in their own right. My girls were hit by a drunk driver on their way home from a play.” His voice came out softly, as if reliving the moment. He sipped from his mug before continuing. “Your father made a detour to the bar on his way home from the social service office. After leaving, he wrapped his truck around a tree.”

“And he’s pretty much been drunk since.” My words barely made it past my frozen lips.

Clarence nodded slightly, as if confirming my dad’s addiction out loud would be too much for me to handle.

But I wasn’t thinking about my dad, the alcoholic; I was thinking of Jimmy. Leaving with my dad when I wouldn’t. If I had gone, things would have been different. I know they would have. We would have stopped for ice cream, not the bar. We always did.

Jimmy got banana. Dad got licorice. I got strawberry.

Every time we went to Granny’s.

Every time.

I squeezed the stuffed bunny and pictured Jimmy as I’d last seen him. From the closet to the front seat of our dad’s truck, broken and bleeding. The sound of Jimmy’s cries filled my mind as surely as they had filled the inside of that truck long ago. I’d lost my brother and my daddy that day.

Why hadn’t I gone?

Because he was angry. Very angry.

“…allegations of sexual abuse.”

The fire crackled in Clarence’s living room. His words slowly sunk in.

“That’s a lie!” I shot from the chair, spilling the contents of my mug in the process. Hot liquid splashed across my bare arms. Red-hot anger burned around the edges of the gray fog. “I loved my brother, but not like that.”

I brushed past Clarence’s outstretched hand and ran up the stairs, locking myself in the spare room. Instead of trying to stop the encroaching darkness, I welcomed the memory loss and invited it in like an old friend. If remembering was this painful, I’d happily forget.

* * *

Angel watched the volley between Rae and Fell. Never before had there been so much turmoil. The Dozen sank against the walls, trying to melt into the surroundings and escape the tempers that raged. Even Brutus withdrew.

“Damnit, Rae. I told you she wasn’t ready.”

Angel prayed for Fell’s soul and applauded Rae’s courage.

“You can’t keep her locked up forever. You can’t keep us locked up forever. It’s time to let us go.”

“She’ll die out there. Without me, she would have. I stopped her from downing any more pills.”

Rae stepped over the train track and shoved her face up to Fell’s. “With you she almost died. You’re the gatekeeper, and you let Luna out when you knew it wasn’t safe. Gemi was doing just fine before you butted in.”

“She was remembering too much.”

“That’s healthy, Fell. She needs to remember so she can function on her own. Once she gets her memories back and understands everything, she’ll be fine.”

“Understands what? That her dad abuses her mom because of her very birth? That her brother’s disappearance is her own fault? That she’s so messed up she completely forgot the single most important friend she ever had? Literally forgot him. Wiped his memory clean from her entire life? That’s a hell of a burden to bear, and one she’ll never recover from.”

“Because you won’t give her a chance.”

“It’s my job. If everything was fine she wouldn’t need any of us. Least of all me.” Fell glared around the room. Angel withered under the challenge, allowing Fell to keep the floor. “I will not relinquish control. I will not hand Gemi’s life to any of you. Until three months ago none of you had a clue. You slept quietly unless Gemini needed you for easy things.”

“She just wants to grow up. There is nothing wrong with that.”

“There is everything wrong with that.” Fell spread her anger around the room, casting an accusing eye over each of them. “I had everything under control until one of you ruined it. Somebody just had to sneak a letter out past me.”

Angel gathered her courage. “Gemi did.”
With my help.