Read Where'd You Go, Bernadette: A Novel Online
Authors: Maria Semple
Tags: #Fiction / Humorous, #Contemporary Women, #Humorous, #Family Life, #Fiction, #Fiction / Family Life, #Fiction / Contemporary Women
Where'd You Go, Bernadette: A Novel (18 page)
Dear Mr. Branch,
I have received your inquiry regarding your wife. Perhaps I have misread your intent, but what you genially refer to as “supervised R&R,” which you fear Bernadette won’t “be too keen on,” is, in practicality, asking that she be detained against her will at Madrona Hill.
The procedure for such extreme action is detailed in the Involuntary Treatment Act, Title 71, Chapter 5, Section 150, of the Revised Code of Washington. Per the ITA, in order for a County Designated Mental Health Professional to place an individual on an involuntary hold, the CDMHP must thoroughly evaluate the person and determine if they are an imminent danger to themselves, others, or property, due to a psychiatric illness.
If you believe your wife poses such a threat, you must immediately call 911 and have her taken to an emergency room. There she will be assessed. If it is determined that Bernadette does present such a threat, she will be asked to voluntarily seek appropriate treatment. If your wife refuses, her civil liberties will be suspended and she will be transferred to a state-licensed psychiatric hospital and put on an ITA hold for up to seventy-two hours. From that point, it’s up to the courts.
Madrona Hill, on Orcas Island, is unique in that along with our renowned inpatient and residential treatment, we operate the only private psych ER in the state. Therefore, I witness the devastating effects of involuntary commitment every day. Families are ripped apart. Police, lawyers, and judges get involved. It goes on public record, for all future employers and financial institutions to see. Because it is so costly in terms of blood, treasure, and emotion, involuntary commitment should be considered only after every other option has been exhausted.
As you describe it, your wife’s behavior is cause for concern. I was surprised to learn that she isn’t in therapy. That seems like a logical first step. I’d be happy to suggest some wonderful psychiatrists in your area who could meet Bernadette and ask the proper questions so she can receive appropriate treatment. Don’t hesitate to call if this is a path you choose to pursue.
Sincerely,
Dr. Janelle Kurtz
*
S
OO
-L
IN
L-S:
Everything OK? You seem distracted.
E
LGIN
B:
Starting to question my sanity. Home stuff.
S
OO
-L
IN
L-S:
If you were to share your stories about Bernadette at a VAV meeting, you couldn’t get through two sentences without getting TORCHed. TORCH stands for: Time Out, Reality CHeck!
S
OO
-L
IN
L-S:
Any time a speaker slips into the abuser’s story—for instance, if I were to say something like “I know I’m always tired and all I want to talk about is work,” which is what Barry used to accuse me of—someone stands up and TORCHes them by yelling, “Time Out, Reality CHeck!”
S
OO
-L
IN
L-S:
It teaches us to separate
our
reality from our abuser’s story, which is the first step toward halting the abuse cycle.
S
OO
-L
IN
L-S:
I know you’ll be uncomfortable with some of the VAV terminology. I was, too. I thought, I’m not being
abused
by Barry.
S
OO
-L
IN
L-S:
But at VAV, our definition of abuse is intentionally broad and esteem-positive. We are victims, make no mistake about it, but we want to move beyond victim
hood
, which is a subtle yet important distinction.
S
OO
-L
IN
L-S:
Elgie, you are a Level 80 at the most successful company in the world. You’ve vested out three times. You have a daughter who’s thriving academically despite several heart surgeries.
S
OO
-L
IN
L-S:
Your TEDTalk is ranked number four on the all-time most-watched list
yet you live with a woman who has no friends, destroys homes, and falls asleep in stores?
S
OO
-L
IN
L-S:
I’m sorry, Elgie, you are hereby TORCHed.
E
LGIN
B:
Thanks for this, but I kind of have to concentrate. Will read more carefully after meeting.
*
RIDAY
, D
ECEMBER
17
From: Bernadette Fox
To: Manjula Kapoor
I’m back! Did you miss me? You know how I said I was going to come up with a way to get out of going to Antarctica?
What if I had emergency surgery?
My dentist, Dr. Neergaard, keeps insisting I get all four wisdom teeth removed, which I haven’t been in any rush to do.
But how about I call up Dr. Neergaard and ask him to remove all four wisdom teeth
the day before the trip?
(And when I say how about
I
call up Dr. Neergaard and ask him to remove all four wisdom teeth the day before the trip, what I really mean is how about
you
call up Dr. Neergaard and ask him to remove all four wisdom teeth the day before the trip?)
I can claim it was an emergency, and that I’m devastated, but the doctor forbids me from flying. That way, husband and daughter can go on the trip themselves and nobody blames me.
Dr. Neergaard’s number is below. Schedule my surgery for December 23, any time after 10. (There’s a school recital that morning, and Bee is doing the choreography. The little rotter has forbidden me from going, but I checked online and found out when it is.) My plan is this: I’ll go to school, then pretend I’m going Christmas shopping.
The next time anyone sees me, I’ll look like a chipmunk. I’ll claim my teeth had been aching and I popped by Dr. Neergaard’s. The next thing I knew, he had removed four wisdom teeth and now I can’t go to Antarctica. Here in America, we call that a win-win.
ONDAY
, D
ECEMBER
20
From Marcus Strang of the FBI
Dear Mr. Branch,
I am the regional director of the Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3), working in partnership with the Department of Homeland Security. My department within the IC3 tracks advance fee schemes and identity fraud.
You have come to our attention because of a charge on a Visa card billed to you dated 10/13, in the amount of $40, to a company calling itself Delhi Virtual Assistants International. This company does not exist. It is a shell company for a crime syndicate working out of Russia. We have spent the last six months building a case against them. A month ago, we were granted a warrant, which allowed us to track emails between your wife, Bernadette Fox, and one “Manjula.”
In the course of this correspondence, your wife has turned over credit card information, bank wiring instructions, social security numbers, drivers license numbers, addresses, passport numbers, and photographs of you, herself, and your daughter.
You are apparently unaware of this activity. Your wife suggests in one email to “Manjula” that you had forbidden her from using the services of Delhi Virtual Assistants International.
This matter is delicate and urgent. Yesterday “Manjula” asked for power of attorney while your family is away in Antarctica. We were able
to intercept this email before it was delivered to your wife. Judging from her past behavior, we had every reason to believe she would sign it without hesitation.
As you read this letter, I will be landing in Seattle. I will be at the Microsoft Visitor Center at noon, where I expect you to meet me and offer your full cooperation.
In the next three hours, it is imperative that you do not share this information with anyone, especially your wife, who has proven herself to be an unreliable actor.
The warrant obtained was for all your wife’s emails in the past three months containing the word “Manjula.” There were literally hundreds. I have selected the twenty most relevant and have also included a lengthy one from her to a Paul Jellinek. Please familiarize yourself with them prior to my arrival. I suggest you clear your calendar for the rest of the day and week.
I look forward to meeting you at the Visitor Center. With your full cooperation, we are hoping to keep Microsoft out of it.
Yours,
Marcus Strang
P.S.: We all love your TEDTalk. I’d love to see the latest on Samantha 2 if time permits.
Invaders
M
ONDAY
, D
ECEMBER
20
Police report filed by night manager at the Westin Hotel
STATE OF WASHINGTON
CIRCUIT COURT
KING COUNTY
STATE OF WASHINGTON -vs.- Audrey Faith Griffin
I, Phil Bradstock, an officer with the Seattle Police Department, having been first duly sworn in, on oath, state that:
The above-named defendant on December 20, in the City of Seattle, Washington, while in a public place, did engage in indecent, abusive, boisterous, or otherwise disorderly conduct, under circumstances in which such conduct tended to cause or provoke a disturbance contrary to RCW 9A.84.030 c2, and did commit Assault in the Fourth Degree as defined in RCW 9A.36.041, both Misdemeanors, and upon conviction may be fined not more than One Thousand Dollars ($1,000) or imprisoned not more than thirty (30) days, or both.
This information is based upon the testimony of the complainant STEVEN KOENIG, night manager at the Westin Hotel in downtown Seattle. I find the testimony of Steven Koenig to be both truthful and reliable.
1. On Monday, December 20, at approximately 2 AM, Steven Koenig reports that he was on duty as the night manager of the Seattle Westin Hotel when he received a call from guest AUDREY GRIFFIN in Room 1601, complaining of noise emanating from Room 1602.
2. Mr. Koenig reports that he checked the registration list and found Room 1602 to be unoccupied.
3. Mr. Koenig reports that when he conveyed the above information to Ms. Griffin, she became irate and demanded that he investigate in person.
4. Mr. Koenig reports that upon exiting the elevator on the 16th floor, he heard loud voices, laughter, rap music, and what he described as “partying.”
5. Mr. Koenig reports that he detected traces of smoke and an uncharacteristic odor in the hallway, which in his opinion was “weed.”
6. Mr. Koenig reports that he tracked the noise and smell to Room 1605.
7. Mr. Koenig reports that he knocked on the door and identified himself, at which time the music was turned off and all noise ceased. The momentary silence was followed by giggling.
8. Mr. Koenig reports that Ms. Griffin, wearing a hotel robe, approached him in the hallway and strongly suggested he was knocking on the wrong door, as Room 1605 belonged to her son, Kyle, who was asleep.
9. Mr. Koenig reports that after he explained to Ms. Griffin that Room 1605 was the source of the noise, she then expressed her low opinion of him, using words such as “idiot,” “moron,” and “incompetent dummy.”
10. Mr. Koenig reports that he advised Ms. Griffin of Westin policy regarding verbal abuse. Ms. Griffin then expressed her low opinion of the Westin facility with terms such as “dump,” “fleabag,” and “pig hole.”
11. Mr. Koenig reports that while Ms. Griffin’s negative assessment continued, her husband, WARREN GRIFFIN, appeared in the hallway, squinting and wearing boxer shorts.
12. Mr. Koenig reports that Mr. Griffin’s attempts to quiet his wife were met with resistance and verbal abuse.
13. Mr. Koenig reports that while in the process of trying to quiet both husband and wife, Mr. Griffin belched, emitting a “nasty stench.”
14. Mr. Koenig reports that Ms. Griffin “got in her husband’s face” regarding his abuse of alcohol and insatiable appetite for steak.
15. Mr. Koenig reports that Mr. Griffin went back inside Room 1601 and slammed the door.
16. Mr. Koenig reports that while Ms. Griffin was engaged in stating her extreme displeasure with “the person who invented alcohol” to the closed door of 1601, he stuck his master key in the lock of 1605.
17. Mr. Koenig reports that “out of nowhere, my head jerked back” because “that crazy bitch” (Ms. Griffin) had grabbed hold of his hair and yanked, causing him distress and pain.
18. Mr. Koenig reports that he radioed for Seattle PD, and while he was on the radio, Ms. Griffin entered Room 1605 and emitted a scream.
19. Mr. Koenig reports that he entered Room 1605 and counted nine individuals: Ms. Griffin’s son, KYLE GRIFFIN, and assorted Seattle street youth.
20. Mr. Koenig reports that he observed a variety of drug paraphernalia, including, but not limited to, “bongs, bindles, rolling papers, prescription drug bottles, roach clips, one-hitters, pinchies, rigs, works, spoons, and an ‘epic vape.’ ” A visual scan of the room indicated no controlled substances other than “shake and seeds on the mini-fridge.”
21. Mr. Koenig reports that Ms. Griffin commenced approximately five minutes of hysterically expressing disappointment at her son’s choice of friends.
22. Mr. Koenig reports that the subdued response on the part of Kyle Griffin and his companions indicated that “they were totally wasted.”
23. Mr. Koenig reports that Ms. Griffin suddenly lunged at a girl with a teddy bear safety-pinned to the back of the her jacket.
NARRATIVE CONTINUATION BY OFFICER:
Upon arrival, I identified myself as Seattle PD. I attempted to pull Ms. Griffin off the teddy bear, which appeared to be causing her acute distress. I informed Ms. Griffin that if she did not lower her voice and step into the hallway with me, I would have to put her in handcuffs. Ms. Griffin started screaming at me with profanity, “I’m a model citizen. These druggies are the ones breaking the law and corrupting my son.” I grabbed hold of her left arm. Ms. Griffin screamed profanities at me while I placed her in handcuffs. Ms. Griffin attempted to pull away, saying, “Take your damn hands off me, you can’t touch me, I didn’t do anything wrong.” She threatened that her husband was a DA and she would use the hotel’s video surveillance to prove I was holding her in custody without probable cause and she would make sure the video was “all over the evening news.” I explained that she
was only being temporarily detained while I attempted to ascertain what was going on. Two backup security officers arrived and, with the assistance of my partner, Officer Stanton, escorted the non–hotel residents off the premises. At that point, the complainant related the hair-pulling incident. Ms. Griffin strenuously denied it. I asked Mr. Koenig if he wished to press charges. Ms. Griffin interjected sarcastically, to the effect of “Whoop-de-doo, it’s my word against his. Who is a judge going to believe? The wife of a DA or the crowned king of the pig hole?” Mr. Koenig stated that he did wish to press charges.Based on the information above, I, Officer Phil Bradstock, ask that the defendant be made to answer to the charges.