Where Secrets Lie (3 page)

David appeared at Sara’s side and leaned close to her. “I need to talk to you.”

He grasped her arm and steered her back toward the house.

“
David, what’s going on? Can’t I get a drink first?”

“
No, we need to talk now.”

Sara looked around to see if anyone noticed their abrupt departure. David maneuvered them inside, led them into the study, and closed the door. He turned around, took a pink packet of pills from his jacket pocket, and tossed it onto the desk. Sara glanced at the desk and closed her eyes.

“
Well, Sara?”

Sara began to tremble. She never considered David might find out. How would she ever explain this to him?

“
David, I’m so sorry.”

“
You’re sorry?”

Sara remained quiet.

“
Is that all you have to say?”

“
I don’t know what else to say.”

“
You could start by telling me how long this has been going on, did you ever stop taking them?”

Sara shook her head.

David gaped at her. “So every month when I was hoping you’d be pregnant, you knew there was no chance you would be?”

Sara nodded.

A tear ran down David’s cheek. “How could you do that?”

Sara reached over to brush the tear from his face, but David backed away from her. She dropped her hand.

What could she say? She hadn’t known how, still didn’t know how, to begin a conversation that contradicted everything they’d planned for and agreed upon and was, therefore, sure to hurt him. She’d thought if she took a little time to sort through her ambivalent feelings by herself, she’d be able to get back onboard with the pregnancy, David would never have to know, and she could avoid hurting him.

Every month she thought she just needed another month, but even though she grasped their origins, Sara still couldn’t reconcile the feelings that began churning inside of her as soon as she was supposed to stop taking the pill.

“
I just couldn’t do it,” she said.

Sara slumped into one of the two chairs positioned in front of the desk. David sat in the chair next to hers.

“
Do what? Tell me the truth?”

“
Talk about it.”

“
I don’t understand, Sara. Why couldn’t you talk to me?”

“
I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

David braced himself. “You don’t want us to have children?”

“
I’ve always wanted us to have children.”

David gazed at her. “Then why would you do this?”

“
I just… I don’t know… I just wasn’t ready.”

“
To have children?”

Sara nodded.

“
You could’ve told me that, Sara.”

“
I didn’t think it was an option.”

“
To tell me you weren’t ready?”

Sara shook her head. “To wait.”

“
I would’ve understood.”

Sara started to object but changed her mind and remained silent. She’d hurt him enough already.

“
I would’ve tried to understand,” David said. “You never gave me the chance.”

“
You’re right, I’m sorry.”

David turned away, his pained visage unmitigated, and Sara understood being sorry would never be enough. David needed to hear a cogent explanation for what she had chosen to do. Sara knew such an explanation began with her disclosing an element of her past that revolved around a boy whom David thought played only a minor role in Sara’s teenaged years. It was a story she never voiced before, rooted in a time she long since buried.

~

The lush timbre of Boulder creek was the perfect accompaniment for reading a good book. Regardless of whether the creek proceeded at a lackadaisical pace with barely a whimper or raced by bloated and agitated from winter runoff, Sara found its cadence soothing.

When she was a teenager, her favorite spot by the creek to nestle with a book was near the Boulder Public Library just downstream from the library’s enclosed, windowed bridge. It did not faze her in the least to lounge on or against rocks for hours at a time. Often, only the fading light of sunset would rouse her from the pages spell and remind her it was time to go home.

Sara settled in by the creek, away from the path that tracked it, and opened her book. She heard crunching noises, which indicated someone was walking nearby. This section of the path was paved and not as close to the creek as most sections were, but it was early autumn and enough leaves had fallen so anyone’s approach was evident.

She glanced up and saw Brian, a boy from her high school, walking in her direction toward the creek.

As soon as Brian saw her, he stopped, smiled, turned around, and went back to the path where he made his way farther downstream away from the library.

Although they had no classes together, Sara knew Brian was also a senior. He was new at their school and caught more than just Sara’s attention. He was tall and lean and had wavy light brown hair that was always falling into his eyes. Rumors abounded that he was an accomplished athlete, basketball in the fall and baseball in the spring, and had lettered in both at his previous school. He was just the kind of guy Sara would never get the chance to date, contrary to what Sara’s best friend, Anne, thought.

“
He likes you,” Anne said during lunch last week after Brian passed by their table and took a seat on the other side of the lunchroom.

“
You’re crazy.”

“
He’s always looking at you.”

“
So?”

“
So I think he likes you.” Ann nudged Sara in Brian’s direction. “You should go talk to him.”

“
No way!”

“
Why not?”

“
If he liked me, he’d talk to me.”

Sara was certain this was true. She, too, noticed Brian looking at her, but she was sure there must be another explanation for it although she had no idea what it might be. It wasn’t that Sara thought of herself as unattractive. She just thought she was more cute than pretty, and the jocks in her school always went for the pretty girls.

“
Maybe he’s just shy,” Anne said. “He’s the new kid, give him a break.”

Give me a break, Sara thought and somehow managed to change the subject, not always an easy task where Anne was concerned.

At the creek, Sara gave up trying to make sense of why Brian would smile at her but then avoid her. Instead, she read her book, the one activity that could divert her attention from just about anything.

She read for about an hour before she had to stop. She was supposed to meet Anne at their favorite coffeehouse on Boulder’s outdoor pedestrian mall.

The mall stretched along Pearl Street from 11
^th
to 15
^th
street in the heart of downtown Boulder and was home to an eclectic blend of businesses, restaurants, artists, and street performers. The entire four-block span was paved with bricks, drenched with flowers and trees, and lined with charming historic buildings. There were fountains that children could play in and rocks and animal statues they could climb on. The mall hosted live music events, art fairs, and festivals galore and was a popular nightlife destination.

Sara’s fondness for the coffeehouse had a lot to do with its proximity to one of the largest bookstores in town, but both she and Anne agreed that while the coffee was without a doubt the main enticement, the coffeehouse was an amusing place to people watch as well.

Sara gathered her things together and headed toward the path. Rather than continue directly to Canyon Blvd, which was the closest street, Sara preferred to follow the creek’s path downstream where it crossed under Broadway. At that point, she would turn north and make her way to the outdoor mall. It was a circuitous route, but she enjoyed walking on the path so much she didn’t mind the extra time it took.

It was a popular, well-maintained path, which ran through the center of Boulder, paralleled Boulder Creek, and ended in Boulder Canyon. Along the way, it boasted beautiful creek side scenery while it accessed a kayak course, a sculpture garden, numerous parks, and plenty of fishing holes. The path appealed to bicyclists, rollerbladers, joggers, and walkers. Once, Sara even saw a man walking his exotic bird, which flew next to him while tethered by its foot.

Just before she reached the underpass, Sara saw Brian sitting at a picnic table near the path reading a book. He had the book tipped up on the table so its spine was facing in her direction, and without forethought, she glanced to read the title. The book he was reading was The Fountainhead, and when she raised her eyes from the book’s spine, she saw Brian watching her.

He cocked his head to the right, which caused his hair to obscure his left eye. His smile was quizzical.

“
I love Ayn Rand,” Sara said.

“
Really?”

“
Yes, really, she’s one of my favorites.”

Brian’s smile widened. “Then will you marry me?”

Sara blushed and quickened her pace. She walked through the underpass and hurried toward the coffeehouse. Anne’s never going to believe this.

~

The following Saturday, Sara arrived at the creek and scanned the entire area looking for Brian. The open space outside the library contained a smattering of people enjoying the crisp fall morning. Although most of them read, one couple played Frisbee, and an older woman walked her tiny dog, but there was no sign of Brian.

During the week, whenever she saw him at school, Brian nodded and smiled at her. He never spoke to her though, so maybe he wasn’t interested in her after all. Even so, Sara began to look forward to his smiles, and she wanted to run into him today. Maybe she’d muster up the nerve to talk to him, or maybe she’d just smile back.

Sara was unable to focus on her book, so she decided to go inside to the library’s coffee shop, which was located near the enclosed bridge and looked out over the water. There was no line when she arrived, so she went straight to the counter.

“
Wait a minute, don’t tell me,” the cashier said. “Sara, large cappuccino with whip, right?”

Sara smiled. “Yeah, that’s right.”

The cashier’s nametag introduced him as Seth. He was a couple of years older than Sara, and she often saw him pull out a textbook to study whenever the coffee shop had a lull, so she assumed he was a student at the nearby University of Colorado.

Underneath his red cap, which all the employees wore, Seth’s black hair was pulled into a ponytail at the nape of his neck. He had a mustache and the beginnings of a beard that never seemed to fill in and the greenest eyes Sara had ever seen.

Sara picked up her cappuccino and took it to the condiments counter.

“
You have a nice day, Sara.”

“
Thanks.”

Sara finished doctoring her drink, and wandered over by the windows hoping to find an empty seat. The windows provided an unimpeded view of the creek, and sitting there was almost as pleasant as being next to the creek itself.

However, it was too crowded today, as it often was on weekends, and no seats were available, so she took her coffee outside.

Sara walked to the path and kept an eye out for Brian along the way. She considered whether she should give up waiting for him. When she turned off the path toward the creek, she saw Brian straight ahead of her sitting on the rocks she normally occupied. He stood up and smiled.

“
I was afraid I’d missed you,” he said.

“
I was here earlier, but I left to get some coffee.”

“
That’s a good idea, it’s kinda chilly today.”

“
We could go back and get you some, if you want.”

“
No, that’s ok, I can’t stay much longer.”

Sara sat near Brian on the rocks. Brian sat down too.

“
I’m supposed to be getting my dad’s car washed,” he said, “but I wanted to see if I could catch you. Do you ever come here after school?”

“
Sometimes.”

“
I was thinking maybe we could meet and grab some coffee or something.”

“
Sure.”

“
I’m still waiting to hear what you love about Ayn Rand.”

Sara laughed. “Only if you go first.”

Brian laughed too. “That’s a deal. I’ll see you Monday then?”

“
Yeah, ok.”

They not only met at the creek on Monday, but also several other days that week to talk about books they were reading or had already read and loved.

By the end of the week, Brian did not just smile at her when he saw her at school. He walked her to her classes and started sitting with her at lunch, much to Anne’s delight who never missed a chance to remind Sara she had been right all along.

“
I told you,” Anne said. “Didn’t I?”

“
Yes, you did.”

“
I knew he liked you. You should’ve listened to me.”

Anne pretended she didn’t see Sara roll her eyes.

“
So when are you guys going on a real date?”

“
I don’t know. Whenever he asks me, I guess.”

“
Maybe you should ask him,” Anne said.