Where did your heart go? (The Heart Trilogy Book 1) (34 page)

Standing up I staggered over to my mirror and stared into it, my life had gone wrong and I had no other option. Turning around slowly I headed for the bathroom and started to fill the bath tub with warm water before I headed back to my room. The words that George was singing played over and over in my mind, even through the record had finished and the house lay silent.

“Sometimes the river calls me

And at night it calls my name

Says, Put your troubles down beside me

Things have always been the same

And rock n roll won’t teach me

What the river said that night

I jumped into this beauty

And drifted out of sight

Where did your heart go?”

I
grabbed the phone receiver and instinctively tapped in James’ home number, even though it was the early hours of the morning. I longed to just hear his voice one final time, but it rang and rang until I let it drop from her fingers. He must be out with her; I fucking hated her for what she had done to me. What she had done to us, we had been perfect together. I picked up my paperweight from the desk and slammed it into my mirror, obliterating my tear stained face from view as it shattered around me, spilling sharp shards across the carpet. Removing my dress I found his shirt and once more wrapped myself in its fabric. I placed the St Christopher around my neck and then picked up the sharpest shard of mirror that lay at my feet. Then with invitation in hand I crossed the room and headed downstairs to the bathroom.

The tub was almost full now so I closed off the tap and stood there for a moment. Then without any more thought I drew the jagged edge across my wrist.

I didn’t feel anything at first so I quickly did it again and then switched hands and slashed across my other wrist. I held my hands out over the steaming water and watched in fascination as the droplets of blood hit the surface and spread out in ripples, fading further and further away. That’s where I wanted to be; further away from all this pain that would just not go away. After a final slug of vodka I dropped the bottle on the tiles and that shattered too. I stepped over the rim and sat down a stain of pink creeping up from the hem of his shirt.

Somehow I ripped up the invitation that I still held in my fingertips and scattered it over the surface of the water that was now a wonderful pink colour. My hearing started to fade in and out as I closed my eyes and saw James standing before me. His beautiful face shining as he reached out his arms towards me.

“I love you, I want to be with you till the end of time” I whispered, my breathing becoming shallow as more blood flowed from my veins.

“I’m waiting for a star to fall and carry my heart into your arms, we can be Together Forever and never to part, you are the desert and I’ll be the sea” my voice trailed off and then everything started to become numb, including my heart. I had finally found escape from the pain of living without Jame
s
.

Charlotte realised that tears were streaming down her cheeks and she wiped them away. That was the real reason behind the faded scars on her Mum’s wrists; she had tried to commit suicide. Who had saved her? Why had James sent the invitation? No wait it must have been Felicity who had sent it but using an envelope written by James. How would Mitchell’s Dad deal with this information? How was this all going to work out? She shook her head at the enormity of the situation but at least she had Mitchell to lean on.

January 1989 was included at the end of the diary so she wiped her eyes and looked through a few further pages, hoping to put the final pieces of the jigsaw into place. It was there and she resumed reading

Wednesday 4
th
January, 1989

I woke up under the bright artificial light of a hospital room and stared around in disbelief. It hadn’t worked I was still here and still alive. The room swam a bit so I closed my eyes again and then I started to hear a voice.

“Stephanie, Stephanie can you hear me?” Mark said
.

“James, James is that you, sorry I’m so sorry” I mumbled, my lips felt so dry and my tongue thick.

“Stephanie it’s me Mark” he replied. I shook my head trying to clear the muddle of thoughts that were there

“Mark?”

“Yes Mark, you’re in hospital” he finished, his voice trailing off as he considered whether to say why or not.

I started to cry again until I heard other familiar voices as I tried to blink and open my eyes again

“Stephanie, its Mum” the voice said, as I finally looked out again and saw her face and my Dad next to it. Their features were etched with sorry and guilt but also happiness that I was still alive. I reached out and Mum managed to hug me close before Dad joined in too

“Sorry” I said again, my voice faint but audible.

“Don’t be sorry, you should have talked to us, told us how you were feeling” Dad said, no reproach in his voice, only love “We could have helped” Mum chimed in, her voice broken as she cried.

As I lay down I noticed that Sarah was sat on the other side of my bed, tears spilling down her cheeks too as I reached out and tried to grasp her hand in mind. But I was bandaged so well that I couldn’t manage it so she just reached out and stroked my arm.

“I’m here for you too” she said “Night and day I’m only a telephone call away” Sarah finished.

I was just about to close my eyes again when Mark appeared through the doors and ushered everyone out of the room before he picked the chart up from the end of the bed.

“How are you feeling? Mark asked, as he popped a thermometer in my mouth before I could even reply.

“Stupid” I replied, once he had removed it “But it was the only way I could seem to get rid of the sadness inside of me” I
finished; it was easy to be truthful with Mark in his Doctors coat.

“Ok, I’ll see what I can sort out, you’ll be going home tomorrow all being well” he finished. He was about to turn and walk away when I stopped him
.

“So how did I get here?” I asked
.

Sitting down on the chair next to the bed Mark began to tell me
.

“Well, once you had run from the club I managed to signal to Sarah and Chris that you were rather upset so we grabbed our coats too and started to walk towards your house. When we got there the front door was shut and the house was in darkness apart from the light in your attic room that we could see from the driveway” Mark paused, as he noticed the pain of the memories flit across my face.

“As it was so quiet we decided to try the door and
found it was unlocked so we all walked in and Sarah started to shout your name. We headed upstairs and realised that the light was on in the bathroom and as you still hadn’t responded to our shouts we tried that door and pushed it open to find you unconscious in the bath tub. Chris pulled you out and wrapped you in a towel and then as I started to do CPR Sarah ran downstairs and called for the ambulance” he paused, as he noticed the tears slowly falling down my cheeks.

“It was bad then” I said quietly
.

“It was close we nearly lost you” he said, as he looked away.

“Thanks for saving me” I finished, although in my heart I wasn’t so sure that I wanted to be saved, I would still have the hurt and pain to deal with as well as some lovely scars too. I still didn’t know how I was going to cope but I owed it to my friends to at least try.

Chapter 43

Charlotte
closed the diary as that seemed to be the last entry. It was painful to read how her Mum’s world had crumbled and broken apart due to a bitch that happened to be the Mum of Mitchell. She hoped that she would never have to meet this woman as knowing her quick temper she’d be in line for a slap. She quickly looked at the clock and dropped Mitch a text to see if he was still awake. He was so she took the opportunity to give him a call on the phone.

“Hi Mitch” Charlotte said, as he answered almost immediately.

“Hi
Charlotte, are you ok?” he replied, noticing the slight catch in her voice.

“Yes, I’ve just finished the diary and it’s not good news” she said.

“Go on, tell me what makes you think this?” he asked “Don’t worry I’m sitting on the bed in my room”

“Ok, so your Dad sent her the letter and then came down to see her and they had break up sex and he walked away. Then she tried to get on with her life but on New Year’s Eve she received an envelope in the post with your Dad’s handwriting on it so she opened it to find his St Christopher that she had given him and an invitation to their Wedding
”

“Oh Fuck, my Dad wouldn’t have been that harsh surely” Mitchell gasped.

“No my guess is that your Mother sent it in an envelope addressed by your Dad to really make sure my Mum never wanted to speak to James again” Charlotte responded. Silence reigned for a moment as they both thought about their parent’s messed up lives.

“Well my Mum went out dancing with her friends including my Dad to be and he tried to kiss her on the dance floor and she bolted home and decided to commit suicide by slitting her wrists” Charlotte sobbed this last sentence out as she tried to imagine how lost and alone her Mum had felt at that moment in time.

“Baby, don’t cry” Mitchell soothed, wishing he was there to hold her close.

“Sorry it’s just such a raw thing, such a cry for help that no one heard” Charlotte eventually said, through the tears.

“But someone did hear
as she’s alive and you are here in this world” Mitchell finished.

“Yes, but will she really want to see James again?
Will it only serve to open old wounds that have healed?” Charlotte replied.

“Do you think I should tell my Dad?” Mitch asked.

“No lets talk about it a bit more when you come over on Friday and in the meantime I’ll pop and see Aunt Sarah as she was there at the time and she might be able to advise me” Charlotte finished, as she blew her nose; the tears had finally stopped falling.

“Sounds good to me, I can’t wait to see you again” Mitchell breathed, his voice sending shivers down her spine.

“Me too it can’t come soon enough” She replied, thinking about flying into his arms the moment she caught sight of him.

“Well, try your best to sleep and dream of me” Mitch said “I’ll be waiting for you there” he finished.

“Dream of me too Mitch” Charlie replied “Goodnight” she finished
.

“Night Babe, I love you” he finished

“I love you too” she said, and then the phone line went dead. Charlotte thought that being truly in love was the best feeling on earth as she tapped the light switch and fell into sleep.

I was already buzzing around the kitchen when Charlotte headed through the doorway

“Morning Mum” Charlie said, as I passed her a mug of coffee

“Morning Charlie, you were up late last night” I replied.

“Yeah, was on the phone to Mitch”
she replied “Are you ok Mum you seem really happy this morning”

“I am
Charlotte, life is good” I replied, not wanting to share my secret admirer with my daughter yet as I eagerly awaited his next request.

“Usual for me today, college,
and dance practise and then I thought I might pop in and see Aunt Sarah on my way home” Charlotte said.

“Ok, I’ll mention that you might do that as she is meeting me after my lunch time show for a gossip” I replied.

“Great” Charlie replied, before she grabbed some toast and headed out of the door and off to meet Julia.

I headed into Hereford early so that I could prepare my show and felt a tiny bit disappointed that no song had come through for me all morning. However once I started my show and the text lines started to reel in I spotted the next one from my secret admirer and after a quick search through the archives I found the song and queued it up.

“Well listeners it appears that my secret admirer is listening in again today and this is his song –
Secret Garden by T’Pau, perhaps he’s telling me that he’s a gardener? Or just enjoys spending time in the Garden”

As the song played I pondered what I could play in return and decided that my response would be very tongue in
cheek.

“Hope you enjoyed that Mystery Man but thi
s is what I’m looking for it’s Holding out for a hero by Bonnie Tyler, can you be my hero?” I announced and then sat back and lined my next few tracks up and kept an eye on the text.

Over in Warwickshire James listened with a smile on his face, he couldn’t believe she had no idea? Or perhaps she did with the hero response but she was flirting well and enjoying it. He had chosen the song as it always reminded him of their night under the stars between the apple trees. He spent a few moments wondering if he should respond but then decided that there was always tomorrow’s song to have some fun with. He would have to get his thinking cap on for that. As the second song finished he paused and listened once more as Stephanie moved on to her next request, her voice still sounded the same and it tugged at his heart and memories of how she had been when they were together. He was determined to get her back, regain her love and her trust he hoped so that his life would once more make sense.

As my day’s shift came to an end I handed over to Ian and after a few quick replies to corporate emails I was out of the door and into the sunshine and heat of the early afternoon. I had arranged to met Sarah on the green by the cathedral and I quickly scanned the crowd and found her sat on a blanket with a fine spread of a picnic and a cold bottle of crisp white and some lemonade.

“Hey Stephanie, great show” Sarah said, as she stood up and pulled her ear phones out and stopped her radio app on the phone.

“Hey Sarah” I replied, pulling her in for a hug “Good to see you and what a wonderful surprise” I finished, indicating to the picnic basket.

“So tell me more about this Mystery Man” Sarah said, as we both sat down in the sun and tucked into some French bread and cheese.

“Well, there’s not much to tell really, he first sent a request on Sunday morning whilst Charlotte was away and it was Father Figure but I thought it was either Paul or Ian playing a joke on me or even possibly Jack from the Hospital to cheer me up” I said

“Well, it seems to have worked” Sarah said, “You look radiant, the best I’ve seen you lo
ok in a long time” she finished; the warmth of her strong friendship tinged her voice.

“But they have all denied it so I really do have a secret admirer who is trying to communicate with me through song” I finished, grinning and blushing at the thought.

“So you have no idea who it could be then?” Sarah asked.

“Nope but it’s good fun trying to figure it out, like for example today’s song was Secret Garden by T’Pau does it mean he likes gardening or visiting gardens or is a gardener? I really don’t know but I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s song as he seems to manage to send one every day but not always directly to my show he sometimes uses Ian or Paul”

“Perhaps he works shifts?” Sarah surmised.

“Maybe, I just hope he’s not a weirdo or stalker just perhaps a genuine guy” I replied

“Would you meet him?” Sarah said, leaning forward slightly.

“Maybe, I don’t know if I’m ready for all that” I finished, as I popped a succulent strawberry in my mouth.

“For goodness sake, it’s about time you got back out there; how long have you been single now?” Sarah asked me as she poured us another glass of wine and lemonade.

“About seventeen years” I replied, suddenly remembering the night I had lost Mark.

“Well I think it’s time you tried again” Sarah said “And if your Mystery man is awful then I’m sure Chris has some seriously good looking single friends we can introduce you too” she finished. She leaned over and gave me a hug and then we just lay back and enjoyed the sunshine on our faces.

Eventually I looked at my watch and realised I had better get home.

“Did you come in your car?” I asked Sarah.

“Lisa dropped me off as she was shopping so if I can get a lift back with you” she replied

“Sure, I think Charlotte wanted to pop in on you on her way home from dance practice so I’d better make sure you’re there in time” I finished “I’ll also need to get home and some food on as she’ll be starving after dancing for hours on end”

“It will be nice to see Charlie, how is she?” Sarah asked as we packed everything up and headed the short walk to my car.

“In Love” I replied

“With that charming boy we met in Birmingham?” Sarah asked.

“Yes, he’s called Mitchell, they have sent in a separate dance as the organisers of the competition need a fill in whilst they make their final decision on the Sunday afternoon” I said “They’ve recreated the final dance from Dirty Dancing and I have to admit it takes your breath away to watch them together”

“We are really looking forward to seeing her dance and also a weekend in the capital” Sarah said “Chris gets home tomorrow so I can’t wait to see him” she finished. I watched the faraway look cross her eyes, the anticipation of a loved one back in her arms and wished that I had that too.

As we drove back to Ross I turned the stereo up and we sang along to all our favourite 80’s tracks, the roof on my soft top down so that the wind blew our hair and our out of tune singing away into the late afternoon air. Dropping Sarah off I declined a cup of tea and turned for home and the chores I needed to finish as I waited for Charlie to return. Once in the house I switched the stereo system on and plugged in my iPod and flicked to the mellow tunes of Savage Garden. I had discovered them in the mid 90’s with a whole host of songs that didn’t remind me of anything or anyone just the emotions of being in love.

Gathering up the ironing I headed upstairs with a pile of clothes for Charlotte’s room and after placing them on the end of the bed I noticed my diary lying open on her pillow and a pile of tissues on the floor. Picking it up I glanced down at the page and realised that she had finished it and therefore knew about my suicide attempt. Sitting down heavily on the bed I turned back the pages and read again what I had written there in my childish script and once again I was propelled back in time to that black moment. I still had times now when I had to reach for a tablet to stem the darkness that would creep over me suddenly, for a single song; an unknown voice that sounded like James, a woman with long dark hair was all it took.

I now knew the reason why Charlie wanted to pop in and see Sarah, I reached for my mobile phone and hesitated over Sarah’s number to warn her, but as I looked at the time I guessed that my daughter was already there. Standing up I scooped down to pick up the tissues from the floor and spotted the pink cover of my old photo album. I pulled it out and realised it was open on the last page, the only picture I still had of James. I stared at the image in front of me; my hands trembled as I looked into my innocent, happy eyes and his beside me. How long ago that moment in time was as my heart started to beat faster and the emotions threatened to engulf me like a tidal wave upon the rocks.

I ran my hand over the surface of the protective covering as a single tear hit it and spread under my finger. My James, how could I ever forget him? He had been my whole world, the light in my darkness, the moon in the starry sky that I had spent so many nights gazing up at when we were apart. The sun on my face when we were together, burning under the heat of each other’s bodies. Quickly I shut the cover and popped it back where I had found it and walked to the bathroom. In the mirror I looked at my face, a single tear was balancing precariously on one of my eyelashes as I wiped it away. How could a photograph take me down in an instant as I reached for my tablets and took one to head off the darkness looming in my reflection?