When in Rio (17 page)

Ah. Well. At least I knew he wanted to keep going when we got back. Although the potential terms of such an arrangement could still be interpreted too many ways to count. “When we get back,” I equivocated, “it won’t be dreamlike anymore. It’ll be Houston, for one thing. And there will be work, which is going to be really strange. And there’s not knowing if I’m supposed to invite you to meet my family, and do we stay the night right away, and do we assume we’re doing something together every weekend, and can I keep a toothbrush at your place, and…”

Jack laughed out loud and tugged me to him with a little yank, halting our progress and throwing his arms around me, picking me up by my waist and kissing me soundly, spontaneously, before setting me gently back down on the sand. “Katie, I think you need a little downtime. Your brain is working too hard again, isn’t it?”

“Always,” I admitted regretfully, wishing he would just kiss me again.

“When we get back to the hotel, I’ll see to it that you don’t think for the rest of the night, little one.” His words, his low murmur in my ear—for my benefit, because it wasn’t as though there was anybody close enough to hear us on the beach—sent chills racing through me, from my stomach down to my legs. “But we should probably talk about some things first.”

“No,” I said, deliberately whining. “No talking. Talking sucks. I
hate
talking.”

It earned a chuckle, but he was going to talk anyway. “Okay, first things first. Big confession time. Are you ready?”

“No,” I said truthfully. “But you’re going to say it anyway, so let ’
er
rip. Is this about Marisa?”

“Oh…no. I’ll tell you about her, but let me do this other one first, all right? Let’s stick to the agenda. This is about the other night.”

“Oh.” So
this
was “later”…when we’d agreed to talk about it. “Later” always seemed to arrive so soon.

“I wanted you to know that was really not what I’d intended to have happen. Mood-wise, I mean. I don’t normally… When there’s discipline, I always feel like I’m either inventing rules that are sort of meaningless to me or just making up infractions after the fact to justify the whole thing. Which works, I guess. Everyone seems happy with that arrangement. It’s sort of what we’re about, right? It’s part of a scene. But that time—”

“It was real,” I interjected.

“Exactly. And the whole thing scared the shit out of me for a couple of reasons. For one thing, I was surprised by my own reactions. I felt so disappointed in you—”

“I’m so sorry! I just wasn’t thinking, I was so sleepy, it—”

“Kate. Stop talking.”

“Sorry.”

“Kate, I really don’t mean I was disappointed about you falling asleep. I mean, look at it logically. You were exhausted from the flight, the hiking and swimming, relaxed from the massage. There’s really no way you could have stayed awake in that bed. Once you were down you were going to be out. It’s a non-issue. Consider it paid, okay?”

“Okay,” I said reluctantly.

“Would you feel better if I gave you that one last swat?”

“Ultimately, probably yes. But not right this second.”

“Duly noted. Here…” He pulled me down to sit next to him on the sand and threw an arm around my shoulders. “Too cold?”

I shook my head. It was perfect, in fact, the temperature felt like air-conditioning. It had rained earlier in the day so it was a bit more humid than usual, but still I could hardly complain.

“What really bothered me, and this is the part that had me a little freaked out, because it didn’t actually have anything to do with the sex—well, indirectly it did, obviously—was when I told you to go upstairs and you kept on teasing. No, stop, don’t keep apologizing or you
will
get that last lick now. It’s just that I was genuinely upset. And I can’t remember ever actually feeling that way before, in that situation. Not that I’ve had all that much experience. I guess at some point here, it’ll be time for me to tell you my own sordid history. Marisa and all.

“But that feeling…it was really unsettling, to feel that way unexpectedly. In case you had missed it, I enjoy being in control.”

“No! You? Really?” I was pushing it, and knew it, but he’d left such an opening. Jack was good-natured about it though.

“I know, I know. But I hide it so well, right? And then we got into it and you were clearly taking it seriously too. I felt out of control, but I felt like I needed to go through with it. Because if I didn’t do it, didn’t follow through, not only would it confuse us both, it would feel dishonest. It was going to leave this issue hanging out there for us both to feel bad about. Which, obviously, is happening still, since I didn’t finish and you feel like you haven’t paid your dues yet.”

“It’s true. I sort of wish you’d just finished anyway. I know why you didn’t, but—”

“I couldn’t, Kate. You know that, right? It was a safety issue. Neither one of us is that hardcore. You were so out of it, I was really worried. I actually thought you might have been in shock for a few minutes there. Which was another reason the whole episode was scary. I mean, it’s my job to keep you safe. Weird as that may sound.”

“I’d never had that happen before,” I said, knowing I was repeating myself. “It was a little scary. But I think it was the same issue you were having. It felt real. And instead of it being a game, it was suddenly the person whose approval I craved the most being disappointed in me and feeling like he had to teach me a lesson. With a paddle, no less. That was… For some reason, that was the worst part. Because you’d said you liked using your hand. I felt genuinely ashamed. But the thing is, I
did
feel like it was necessary. You’d been very clear and I hadn’t met your expectation for me, and I wanted to make it right. That was my chance to make it right. I really felt that way—and I
never
feel that way. Because it’s a game, right? Deep down, why should I care? But I
did
care.”

Jack tightened his hold on my shoulders, pressing his face against my hair for a few seconds. “Person whose approval you craved the most?”

“Well…” It was more than I’d planned to say, but it had just slipped out.

“You have my approval. You do know that, don’t you?”

“I’m starting to realize that, yes,” I said, feeling the blush creep over me even though I knew it would not be visible to Jack in the growing moonlight.

“And since this is obviously turning into a meta-analysis, because we both think too much about stuff…you know that I don’t think I actually have any sort of entitlement to use corporal punishment to teach you anything, right?”

“Yes, I know you’re a sensitive, pro-woman kind of a guy, Jack. When you aren’t paddling girls for their own good, of course.”

“I really should put you over my knee for that right now.”

I giggled into his shoulder, feeling bubbly and relieved. “I try not to confuse people’s sexual preferences with their personalities. Everybody’s weird. That part, it just doesn’t pay to analyze. And if you really did think you were entitled to that, rest assured I wouldn’t want you to put me over your knee or tie me up or do any of those other things. A lot. Hopefully soon.”

“You’re making it hard for me to concentrate on our serious talk, Katherine.” Indeed, Jack’s hand was drifting down, fondling my waist and hip in a way that was making it equally hard for me to concentrate.

“Well, scary though it was, I felt like I needed it. I can’t guarantee I won’t feel that way again, Jack. And in all fairness,
you
felt like I needed it too. You needed to do it. And trusting you with that was…I don’t know, maybe we both just have to use a little caution. Forewarned is forearmed, that sort of thing.”

“That makes sense. But you said trusting me with that was…what?”

“Amazing,” I admitted. “It’s never been like that.”

He seemed to mull this over for a few minutes as we sat in companionable silence, just watching the waves. The sounds of the beach party blew closer with the wind then faded again, a counterpoint to the rhythm of the water against the shore.

“So,” he said finally, “do you want the full sordid history or the condensed version?”

I gave it some thought before answering. I did want to know, but not if it was going to ruin the night. “I guess the condensed version, with an option to know the full version if it seems important?”

“Of course. So. Marisa. Well, you probably figured out she’s Mario’s sister, so I guess I don’t have to mention how we met. Mario just sort of rolled his eyes at the whole thing. I was expecting him to pull the big-brother act, but he said Marisa would do what she wanted to do, and then he seemed to wash his hands of it. Not of me or our friendship, just…like my relationship with Marisa didn’t exist. Probably should’ve paid more attention to his attitude, because I think he knew from the start she didn’t mean for it to last.

“I was in college, of course, and we’ve already agreed that makes you an idiot, remember? So after I’d finished my masters and went back home for good to get a job, I was still stupid and Marisa could afford to make a lot of hops to Houston. I have no idea how she got the visas. She would come up about once a month, sometimes not quite that often. She was…an adventurous girl. She was into
everything
, she wanted to try
everything
at least once. I was just the lucky guinea pig, although it was obvious I hadn’t been the first.”

Jack sighed with a certain wistfulness. “She was wild. And as I already said, I was young and stupid. Also very idealistic. I was doing my first real job then, for a nonprofit wildlife rescue agency, and she loved that. Marisa was a big animal rights activist. At first. Eventually she got more into the anti-world-market thing, but at the time it was still all about spray painting furs and learning to be a vegan. She hated Houston, of course.
Lotta
furs and meat in Houston. I’d take her out to dinner and she’d complain about stuff, and then we’d go back to my ratty little garage apartment and…well, you know.”

“Yeah, I think I have a pretty good idea,” I said dryly.

“This period of time, by the way, was when I figured out I liked being on top.”

“Really? She let you top? That surprises me for some reason.”

“She didn’t let me very often,” he said ruefully. “And of course there was always the awareness that she was only
letting
me, which is a little different. But still, when that happened…man.” He was lost in thought for a moment, remembering his wild girl, whom I hated now with every fiber of my irrational being.

“Anyway,” Jack finally continued. “I’d been in Houston about a year, with this insane Brazilian girlfriend I only saw once a month, and I decided my job sucked, being poor sucked, everything sucked—and I was going back for an MBA.”

“Oh, is this the part where you sold out?”

“Almost. That came later. It took me a couple years of night and weekend classes, and I wasn’t nearly as interested in it as I’d been in researching my masters, so my motivation was a lot lower. But I was living near my folks again, so they gave me the occasional kick in the butt. And about one year into working on the degree I got a much, much better job in—cue ominous music—”

I dutifully supplied a fairly pathetic-sounding, “
Dunh
,
dunh
,
duuuunh
!”

“Big. Oil.”

“Oh, you bastard.”

“Exactly. That, by the way, was my big sell-out moment. I paid off my student loans in a few months, bought a car that actually ran every time I started it, moved into an apartment with more than one room and an actual dishwasher. I was a grownup. And I liked it. Even the work part, which surprised me. I was doing the same thing as your old job, more or less.”

“And Marisa?”

“Came to visit a few more times, got her shapely bottom spanked a few times and was grumpy when I didn’t let her reciprocate anymore, then got downright bitchy when I finally just told her to shut the hell up about all the fur coats in Houston. Although that was my mistake, really. I had taken her to the symphony that particular night, so it was just a good thing she didn’t have spray paint with her. You know how much fur you tend to see at the symphony.

“But…I still thought it was love. You know? It was this big, passionate thing, everything was very serious, everything was an argument and then we’d end up in bed for all kinds of wild sex. And yes, I did ask her to marry me somewhere in that period. She just laughed at me. Probably smarter than I was. We’d have been so miserable.

“By the time I’d finished up the MBA and started actually moving up in the company I was with then, she wasn’t coming back anymore. So I moved on. Phew! It was a relief. I felt free. I dated a little, but nothing like what we’d been doing. I figured the wild times were over, you know how that goes. And then, about a year before I ended up leaving for London, I started seeing this girl from the accounting department at my company. Typical CPA, had the dull suits and everything…and she was absolutely in love with being spanked. I had the magic hands, evidently.”

“Good times,” I said, slightly bitchily.

“Don’t be jealous, little Katie,” Jack said, leering a bit. “I said I had the magic hands, not that she had the magic ass.
You
have the magic ass.”

I couldn’t restrain the snicker, but I also found it sort of sweet in a twisted way.

“Okay then, keep talking. You sure this is the condensed version?”

“You talked my ear off the other night. Anyway, Lisa, this girl, she was great and we had a lot of fun. But we both knew she wasn’t moving to London with me. We’d been tapering off anyway, and we pretty much just had an amicable parting of ways when I moved.

“Then there was London. Which was a little harder to negotiate. I didn’t know many people and I was traveling around quite a bit. The North Sea, mostly, but also back to the States some. Alaska, San Francisco, Cleveland…even Houston. I was mainly overseeing data collection on pipelines and then later on natural gas facilities, but I’ll give you a copy of my c.v. if you really want to know all that.”

“I’ve already got a copy,” I told him. “You have a typo in your ‘Articles and Publications’ section, by the way. Would you like me to fix it for you sometime?”