When in Doubt, Add Butter (2 page)

Perhaps it was because of Stephen. How he had gestated in Angela’s slight body, I cannot imagine. Maybe that was before she adopted her radical diet. But at six years old now, he’d never known any other diet, I’m pretty sure.

In fact, maybe the post-pregnancy weight was the
reason
she adopted her radical diet. I don’t know. All I know is that in their pantry, where any normal American kid might find Oreos (or Newman-O’s—I can be flexible about hydrogenated oils and organic ingredients), there was some kind of faux melba toast, made from spelt, and unseasoned almond butter. That was his after-school snack.

You just know if that kid ever went to a birthday party and got a bite of the manna that is sheet cake from Costco, he’d never want to come home. I can picture him there, in a wild-eyed eating frenzy, face smeared in icing, wondering why on earth his parents never told him of this bliss before.

It’s like those people who grow up without TV. Move them into the real world and plop them in front of
Wheel of Fortune,
and they’re not getting up until the national anthem is playing. If it’s on cable, the only hope of having them move is if nature calls.

Believe me, I had a roommate like that once. I don’t know how he managed to avoid TV into his thirties, but when I was watching
The O.C.,
I’d feel him creeping up behind me, and he’d just stand there, eyes glued to the set, like he was a caveman wondering at the magic box with the tiny people in it.

“Want to sit down, Darryl?” I’d ask, because there’s nothing creepier than someone standing behind you, rasping their breath through their perennially stuffy nose. Especially if you’re eating a bowl of popcorn, as I usually was.

“No, no,” he’d say vaguely, eyes dilating like something out of a 1950s alien movie.

And there he’d stay.

“Seriously, Darryl. Since you’re gonna watch, anyway, why don’t you just sit?” Elsewhere. Anywhere. Not there.

“I’m on my way to the kitchen.”

And forty-five minutes later, he’d finally make it the other three yards to the kitchen, where he would prepare some vile midnight snack along the lines of a bologna and onion sandwich. I’d like to think his distraction by the show was what caused this revolting food choice, but alas, it was just one more slightly off thing about him.

Anyway, Mondays at the Van Houghtens’ were challenging. To say the least.

But Angela Van Houghten was also the events coordinator for the country club where my most profitable work was—usually one banquet every other week, though sometimes it was more—and that made the pressure of working for Angela that much greater. I needed to keep her happy so she’d keep recommending me to people who were having parties.

Tuesday was a lot more pleasant.

Tuesday was Paul McMann, a lawyer I never, ever even caught a glimpse of, but for a long time I imagined him to look a lot like Fred Flintstone, based on his culinary tastes.

Paul—or Mr. Tuesday, as I like to think of him—is a big fan of June Cleaver–style comfort food. Pure back-of-the-box stuff: noodleburger casserole, onion soup mix meat loaf, beef pot pie, chicken ’n’ biscuits, Philadelphia cheesecake, and so on. He probably would have been perfectly happy if I made him Hamburger Helper every week.

Butter, sour cream, white flour, cheddar cheese, canned Campbell’s tomato soup, macaroni noodles … all that stuff that was missing on Mondays, I got to make up for with Mr. Tuesday. Even iceberg lettuce, which is nutritionally dull, but culinarily fun to slice and embellish, was A-OK with him.

I
loved
cooking for Mr. Tuesday.

He worked late
all the time,
it seemed. I never saw him, though I did arrive between five and six, and I suppose it was possible his workday started at noon. Nevertheless, he was a mystery to me.

For example, he was clearly a man’s man: no frills, no fuss. It showed in his food tastes, his books, and especially in his choice of very spare décor. It works for me. I really kind of enjoy the clean wood and leather feel of his apartment. Decidedly masculine, but for some reason I find it reassuring. It’s like sitting in an executive office, waiting for a big inheritance check from an elderly and unknown relative to be cut and cashed.

So, whereas I usually do most of the prep work for my people at home and take the food to their places to heat and serve it (no, this isn’t strictly legal, since I don’t have a commercially licensed kitchen, but no one really cares), I usually take all the raw ingredients to Mr. Tuesday’s place in Friendship Heights and spend hours relishing in the glorious peace of it. Sometimes I’d take the remote from its usual spot and blast some Wham! through his mounted Bose speakers, and sometimes I’d just crack open a window and listen to the nothing outside.

Always—
always
—I would look forward to the notes he’d leave for me.

After I’d noted my disdain for peas, which I regard as fake vegetables since they are green but almost as starchy and sugary as Skittles, he wrote:

All I’m saying is give peas a chance.

His response to the appetizers I’d left for a party he was having for his office staff:

Everything was great, but I especially loved the things that I know weren’t Snausages but looked just like them. Is it unreasonable to ask for them with dinner sometime?

They were chicken and sage sausagettes that I got from a local butcher and wrapped in homemade pretzel dough, minus the salt but painted with butter. They are incredible, so I gave him points for good taste
and
I gave him Chickens in Throws, as he later jokingly referred to them, in a freezer bag the next week so he could have them whenever he wanted them.

And on one memorable occasion, he taped a hundred-dollar bill to a broken Corningware casserole dish I’d left with him and wrote on a Post-it:

I hope this wasn’t your grandmother’s or some other sentimental antique. I also hope you’re wearing shoes because the vacuum cleaner hasn’t worked the same since I accidentally sucked up a toupee. Not mine. I’ll explain over a beer if we ever meet.

My guess was that he probably had a lot of stories I’d enjoy over a beer if we ever met.

Other than that, though, the guy was a mystery. I had a pretty good handle on most of the people I worked for—if nothing else, you can tell a lot about people by the things they surround themselves with in their homes—but Mr. Tuesday had very few clues to his personality in the main part of his apartment, and I’d never been into his bedroom or anything. Essentially, it was like trying to figure out something about the last person who’d been in your hotel room.

Wednesday was a different story. Wednesday was Lex Prather, who was usually there for at least part of the time I was. Personality-wise, he seemed to be the exact opposite of Mr. Tuesday, flamboyant where Tuesday was understated. Social, where Tuesday seemed to just be working all the time. But Lex was almost as much fun to cook for, though his tastes were far more highfalutin.

Until a year and a half ago, he lived with his mother in this two-bedroom flat in the old Westchester, off Mass Avenue. She was like Perle Mesta, and he was Felix Unger—they must have been quite a pair. Anyway, when she passed away, he hired me to cook all his old favorites, which consisted of the kind of fussy white tablecloth dishes one might have found on the menu of the
Titanic.
Shrimp Louis, oysters Rockefeller, Waldorf salad; even the occasional molded Jell-O dish incongruously made it onto the menu. He apparently had no problem drawing the line at mint jelly, however.

Lex is tall and thin, and always impeccably dressed, which is appropriate, since he owns the venerable old Simon’s Department Store downtown. It outlived both Woodward & Lothrop and Garfinckel’s department stores, though I believe its reputation might be wobbling a bit now in the shadow of Nordstrom and everything you can find in Tysons Corner and the Galleria.

Anyway, the movie version of Lex could be perfectly played by Tony Randall. He is of completely indeterminate sexual orientation—though by “indeterminate” I mean that I don’t know if he’s gay or completely asexual; straight does not appear to be an option, although it’s
possible
I’m wrong about that, I suppose.

A social butterfly, Lex often had me cooking for his mystery book group or his annual Christmas, New Year’s, May Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, and Halloween parties.

The upshot is that Lex had champagne tastes and a champagne budget. This made him pretty fun to cook for in and of itself, but he was also just a really great guy and I enjoyed seeing him every time. That’s a luxury I don’t always have with my clients, and it’s particularly nice since work is basically the only social contact I have at all.

Which takes us to Thursday.

Thursday nights were with the Oleksei family, which was sheer chaos. Not really
bad
chaos, necessarily, just
crazy
chaos. The Oleksei family consisted of a grandfather, Vlad, who was clearly the patriarch of the family, often holding court in a mysterious back room I never saw but from which people would come and go at all hours, often leaving looking fearful or even in tears.

I half suspected that they were part of the Russian Mafia.

Seriously.

They made me a little nervous sometimes.

Vlad Oleksei’s wife had died years earlier, leaving him with three strapping sons—now in their thirties and forties—and a handwritten recipe book I could not read because it was in Russian. Fortunately, my sister’s boyfriend worked in the Russian department at American University and was translating the recipes as best he could, though the metric translation was still a bit of a challenge for me.

The Oleksei sons—Borya, Serge, and Viktor—were all nice enough to me, and always politely appreciative of the food I prepared, but there was something …
off
about them, too. They owned a dry cleaning and tailoring store, which I knew from
The Jeffersons
could be profitable, but it was just hard to picture the three of them going into one little dry cleaner every day and whistling as they busily worked out a stain in the collar of a shirt.

Nevertheless, assuming that wasn’t a cover for their actual work with the Russian mob, that was what they did.

Viktor was the only one who was married. His wife was American and stood out in that family like a sore thumb—blond, big-lipped, brash, and boisterous. It was hard to imagine how she lived in such a traditional old-world atmosphere. I could picture her much more easily in a football jersey, tailgating with a bunch of burly blond lumberjack types, than with this dark, moody family.

Fridays I had the Lemurras in Georgetown.

What can I say about Marie Lemurra?

For one thing, she was a social climber to the nth degree. In the three short months I’d worked for her, I’d watched her try to get in with politicians, a few former B-list movie stars who now lived in or outside D.C., and most recently, local famewhores on the D.C.
True Wife Stories
reality show.

For another thing, she seemed to hate me, though that
had
to be impossible, given that she knew me
only
in a professional context and even that involved me doing her bidding and not arguing. Nevertheless, she was a woman who didn’t seem satisfied with acquiescence of any sort; she wanted it to include at least a small measure of pain. I think Marie Lemurra needed other people to be wrong so that she, herself, could feel right.

It wasn’t an ideal work situation, believe me, but I don’t think very many people among us would say their work is always 100 percent awesome.

Marie Lemurra, and those like her, was the price I had to pay for having a job I otherwise loved.

So that was my week right now: the Van Houghtens, Mr. Tuesday, Lex, the Olekseis, and the Lemurras. They ran the gamut, in every way.

With the banquet work added on the weekends, my life felt full and secure.

Famous last words, huh?

Chapter 2

This time, it wasn’t my fault.

I mean, seriously, who the hell owns a peacock in
Georgetown
?

I had worked for the Lemurras for three months, every Friday night, and had
never
encountered anything living on their property, though their premium lot in the middle of the city certainly had room for undetected livestock. I was surprised once by what I still contend was some kind of werewolf there.

But that was ages ago, and when I pulled up to cater their biggest party of autumn, no one warned me to
keep an eye out for the fucking peacock.

I mean if you had just acquired an exotic pet that no one in their right mind would expect to see someplace so incongruous, wouldn’t you think to give everyone a heads-up? I’m sure the place that sold the peacock
must
have had some sort of
PEACOCK AT PLAY
signs to put by the driveway, like those green turtle things that warn drivers to slow down because of children running in the streets.

On top of that, if the exotic pet in question had a tendency to be sexually attracted to blue cars, and you knew your private chef was going to show up, as she had every week for three months, in her blue Toyota, wouldn’t that be another thing you’d take into immediate consideration?
Hey, let’s tell Gemma to watch out for the peacock.

I would have.

But there was not a word of warning. Just like that time they had a guest who was deathly allergic to onion and they didn’t mention it until her husband was frantically searching for the EpiPen as she turned red and struggled to breathe.

All I know is that one minute I was maneuvering my car toward the kitchen door so I could carry the thirty Cornish game hens—and accoutrements—into the house, and the next thing I knew, there was a little scraping sound on the bumper that I took to be a bit of the bramble that littered the wooded property.

Because frankly, you don’t immediately think,
Wait a minute … I know that sound. That’s the sound of a peacock trying to mount and sexually dominate my bumper.
Or even that a peacock might be territorially jealous of said car, viewing it as a romantic rival, which is something, I kid you not, I have since learned in my extensive research on peacocks.