When Fangirls Cry (16 page)

            He exploded, “And you think you’re not being fucking cruel, looking at him like he’s your fucking prince while I was the one with you all this time, the one who fucking stood by you while he courted his fucking princess? Do you think that just because we don’t fucking talk about it means I’ve fucking forgotten that you
fucked
him?”

            A moment later, Jeremy’s voice came to them, quiet and deep. “Hello, Saffi.”

            She looked at Staffan pleadingly, but his expression didn’t change.

            With a swallowed sob, she turned her back at Staffan. With two whispered words, Saffi felt her heart breaking all over again, and the glass bubble she had hoped would stay forever whole cracked into pieces with it.

            “Hello, Jeremy.”

I miss you, baby. I’ll miss you every day. You don’t know how much.

Sapphire March posted today at 0800H on Facebook

            Staffan was coldly quiet throughout the ride back, ignoring her every overture until Saffi was forced to remain just as silent, the tears falling endlessly even as she did her best to hold them back. But when they arrived at their hotel room, she couldn’t help trying again. “Staffan, please…”

            But still he ignored her, moving swiftly past the living room of their suite and going to their bedroom.

            When she reached their room, Saffi was stunned to see Staffan packing. “Staffan, please, please don’t be mad.”

            He did not look up as he answered, “I’m not.” He flung the wardrobe doors open. “You just fucking ceased to matter.”

            The cry that came from Saffi’s lips scraped him raw, but Staffan told himself to ignore it.

            “Staffan, there is nothing going on between Jeremy and me. There never was.” Saffi covered her mouth to stop her sobs.

            But still Staffan didn’t look at her. He only continued to move with icy precision, taking items of his clothing from the wardrobe cabinet and dumping them on the bed.

            “Staffan, I lied.”

            His head shot up.

            “Jeremy and I never did it---”

            “WHEN WILL YOU STOP WITH THE FUCKING LIES?”

            Saffi flinched at Staffan’s shout.

            Staffan’s fist punched the closet door so hard it went flying, its glass front crashing against the wall.

            Saffi started to cry, knowing that Staffan wasn’t as angry as he was hurt. “Staffan, I mean it,” she sobbed. “I just lied because I wanted another chance---”

            “Stop! Just goddamn stop!”

            She sobbed harder at the contempt on Staffan’s face.

            “I just don’t want to fucking hear another word from you. I’m fucking over you – I don’t give a fuck what your family blackmails me with. You’re worse than whatever they can throw at me.”

            When he started to move towards the door, she threw herself at him, unable to help it. She cried as he tried to push her away, but she clung to him as hard as she could, unwilling to let go. “Please, Staffan, please. I don’t want to lose you again---”

            He froze at her words before a bitter laugh escaped him. “
Lose
me? You never fucking had me because the Saffi I loved was a fucking fake. There’s no real Saffi – not one goddamn real thing about you because you’re full of
shit
.”

            Staffan’s brute strength forced her to let go and the way his cold gaze took her in made Saffi sick to her stomach. She hurt, but then she would realize that nothing would hurt as much as the next words he spoke.

            “You’re the biggest fucking mistake in my life, Saffi. Because I fell for you, hook, line, and sinker – I fell for you even though you’re crazy as shit, pretending you’re a fucking groupie, talking to your fish like they can fucking talk back…” Staffan knew he was saying things he should never say, things that he didn’t even fucking mean, but he could not stop the words from pouring out. They were the only way he could stop feeling so goddamn hurt.

            Over and over Chloe had lied to him, but he had let her do it because he had loved her. And in return, she had still left him in the end. He should have learned his fucking lesson from that, but he had let Saffi do so much worse to him, make him twice the fool in front of the whole goddamn world.

            His own weakness made Staffan want to throw up and right now, everything about Saffi just made him hate himself more. He was so fucking weak because of this girl – a girl who didn’t even know what love was.

            “I love you,” she whispered.

            He could only laugh. “You don’t love me, Saffi. You love the idea of being the one fangirl who was able to catch my attention. And so you did. Like any stupid mindless sex starved cunt, you got your dream while I’m stuck with the fucking reality. Because if the child inside you is mine, then it would have a lunatic---”

            His words abruptly died at the stricken look on Saffi’s face. When she started to turn away, he didn’t understand the panic that squeezed his heart. But still Staffan could not admit to it, could not allow himself to be weak again.

            “Go,” he snarled. “Go run back to your family. Maybe they can buy you a husband who would be willing to stay next time!”

            She disappeared from view, and the empty silence that followed suffocated him. Staffan could only stand there, waiting and just goddamn waiting for the relief to come crashing down on him.

            It was over.

            He and Saffi were over.

            The thought choked him, and he gasped for breath.

            The phone rang, and Staffan answered it, his heartbeat pounding against his chest. It had to be Saffi. She had changed her mind. She wanted to talk to him. She was going to beg him to come back---

            But it was not.

            “Sir, you need to come down quickly. Mrs. Aehrenthal had an accident.”

            No.

            No, fuck, no.

****

            He felt so fucking helpless in the back of the ambulance with a pale and bleeding Saffi lying unconscious on the stretcher. Staffan gazed down at her and everything became so fucking clear in an instant, like he had been blind all his life and this one moment had gifted him with precious clarity.

            But the cost of it was too fucking much.

            “Saffi, please God, Saffi, wake up.” His voice broke, and with every second that she did not answer, Staffan felt his whole world closing down on him until he was all alone in the darkness.

            “Please, Saffi, wake up, please.”

            But she still didn’t answer and he remained alone.

****

            Around him, Staffan dimly heard Saffi’s family speaking with the doctors. He didn’t give a fucking piece of shit about what they had to say. All he needed was Saffi to wake up so he could say he was sorry – he was so fucking sorry.

            And that he loved her. He would always love her.

            “Saffi, baby, please open your eyes.” His voice was raw from speaking for almost 24 hours. But he couldn’t stop. He felt alone and he knew if he felt like that, then she was probably feeling it too. She was all alone in her pain and he needed to find a way to pull her out of the darkness.

            But she still didn’t answer.

            “Son.” Pearl’s voice was reed-thin. “The doctors are saying it’s fatal…”

            She was saying something else, but he couldn’t hear her. All Staffan could see was Saffi. He gripped her hand tightly. “Wake up, Saffi, please. You need to wake up.” Slowly, Staffan placed his hand on her stomach and it felt so fucking still.

            His control broke.

            “Saffi…” God, these fucking tears were choking him. “You two need to wake up now, Saffi. Please wake up.”

            But there was still no answer and they both remained in the darkness.

            Another day passed. Silver and Steel offered to relieve him, but Staffan didn’t want to leave, didn’t dare risk having Saffi wake up and think he had left her. He would never leave her again.
Never.

           
“Saffi, baby…”

            Her eyes flickered.

            His heart stopped beating.

            The monitor went crazy, and there was chaos all around but Staffan didn’t see any of it. Saffi’s eyes were dull with fear. “Staffan?”

            He started to speak, but she shook her head. “Staffan, I can’t…” She gasped. A loud warning siren burst out from the monitor.

            Saffi gazed at him in horror. “I can’t feel my baby.”

            And Staffan knew then, it was his fucking payment for all the things he had said and done. Saffi had come back, but she came back alone. He didn’t need to hear the doctors’ words. She knew and he knew because that baby had been theirs – and now their baby was alone in the darkness, and it was his fucking fault.

            Staffan flew into a rage as the doctors tried to drag him away from Saffi’s side. Saffi started to cry and with a roar, he pushed everyone away so he could go to her. Saffi needed him and he had promised himself he would never leave her again. He didn’t want to risk her going into the darkness. He didn’t want to lose her again.

            But everyone was holding him back.

            Steel and Silver were the only ones who managed to drag him out of the emergency room. “I’m sorry, Staffan, I’m sorry…”

            The pain in their voices made the truth real and he fell to his knees, weeping. His baby – their baby – was all alone in the dark and it was his fucking fault.

            From within the room, he could hear Saffi crying, and he knew she knew their baby was lost in the darkness, too.

           
I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so, so sorry. It’s Daddy’s fault. It’s my fault. I’m so, so sorry.

****

            “I need to see her.” Staffan wasn’t going to take ‘no’ for an answer this time. He needed to see Saffi, needed to know she wasn’t lost in the darkness like their baby. It had been days since she had woken up, days since he had to sign the papers that declared their little girl was dead.

            “You can’t stonewall me forever,” he said grimly when Steel didn’t budge an inch from the door.

            “If you really love my sister, then you won’t force more pain on her.”

            “You don’t fucking understand. She needs me---” He shoved Steel, but Steel shoved him right back.

            “Why would she need a man who almost fucking killed her?” Steel snarled.

            “I LOVE HER!”

            “IT’S TOO FUCKING LATE!” Steel roared back.

            The door opened, and Pearl’s appearance made Steel and Staffan freeze. “Let him go, Steel,” she said quietly.

            Staffan’s heartbeat became erratic. “Is Saffi---”

            Pearl made a choking sound of distress.

            His heart shattered. What the fuck was wrong? He rushed inside and when Saffi looked up, he knew. The brightest stars in the sky tended to die in silence, the gaping darkness swallowing it in an instant. In Saffi’s eyes, he saw that darkness and he felt like there was no way for the stars to ever come back in her eyes.

            He stumbled towards her, not knowing what to say or do to make everything okay.