What's Left of Me (Finally Unbroken Book 2) (8 page)

“Okay,” I say quietly. I’m not sure if I just want to spend more time with Ruben, or if this is going to be the first step to the release I so desperately need. The freedom that for five years, I’ve denied myself.

An alarm beeps in the kitchen, breaking the tension that I know, at least partly, is caused by me. Thoughts are running through my head one after another. I replay his words, the help he wants to give me, and the fact that it seems as though I’m not what he wants, despite the way he’s been acting toward me.

“Sorry…” Ruben returns, cutting into my thoughts, “…I was going to cook something.” He stops and rubs the back of his neck. “Yeah, the thing is… I put the timer on, but forgot to put the food in the oven.” His announcement coupled with the confused look on his face makes me laugh. I find it’s therapeutic and loosens all the worry. By the time I’ve calmed down, I notice Ruben is still standing in the same place, now with a look of something… wonder maybe? He gazes at me, and I decide to wrap up the rest of my concern into a neat little package to be analyzed another time.

“Shall I order pizza?” I offer still smiling.

Ruben nods handing me the phone. “I like having you here, Laurie,” he says nothing more and I smile, realizing nothing else is needed as I relax and know that I’m just going to enjoy a nice night with my friend. Not looking into it any more than that… for now.

“You done?” Danny asks, throwing the towel across his shoulders. I look up to him from my seated position. Having just spent two hours in the gym after slacking off for the last few weeks, I’ve forgotten how hard Danny pushes, not only himself but others too. He came from a sports background, was in the NFL and if it weren’t for an injury, he’d still be the superstar football player. I was never able to keep up, nothing’s changed as we’ve gotten older, but I can still hold my own.

Smiling up at him, I nod. “Yeah man, two hours and my arms are dead. I’d forgotten what a Pitbull you were with training.”

Danny gulps some water down his throat and then looks back to me. “You’re getting soft, it’s only been three weeks, you can’t be that tired. I’m thinking it’s a certain petite brunette that has you distracted, meaning you’re not putting one hundred percent in.” He smirks at me. “Don’t think I can’t see how your focus is off. You normally go all out. Since you’ve been spending time with Laurie, you’ve missed more gym sessions than you’ve attended and you have this faraway look, like a pubescent teen.” He chuckles and I throw my towel at his head.

“Fuck you,” I push out through a grin, then stand up as he passes me back my towel. We walk out to the changing rooms in silence, heading off to have our showers.

“So you do really like her then?” Danny asks once we’ve showered, dressed, and are packing up our bags.

Stopping what I’m doing, I look up at him. “Yeah.” This is the first time I’ve really allowed myself to say it, with meaning. I’m not stupid, I’ve admitted to myself that I like her. More than that, my feelings are growing all the time. Opening up the day I took her back to my apartment for food proved to be the biggest turning point. She still has to talk to me about what happened to her, the demons of the past are still very much alive and clawing the inside of her soul. I’m hoping to change that, but it’s going to take time, and that’s something I have in abundance lately. But even if I didn’t, for her I’d find the time. She’s fragile and I’m treading carefully… for now.

“Have you told her?” he asks and I pull in my eyebrows at the odd question.

“Why would you ask that?” I reply.

As we reach the cars, he pulls his trunk open and throws in his bag. “I know you. She’s damaged.”

In the middle of opening the door to my truck, I stop, turning to face him. “What are you saying?” I ask, the question is low and growled out, which surprises me.

Danny doesn’t seem as bothered by the warning tone in my voice and just chuckles shaking his head. “Listen, Ruben. I didn’t mean anything by it, I just worry about you.”

I throw the bag into my truck and fold my arms over my chest.

Danny smirks. “I didn’t want you to like her just because you want to
fix her
.” He holds up his hands, which stops me telling him to get fucked. “I have no problem with you fixing her—”

“Thanks for your approval,” I cut him off.

“I was worried about you both. You’ve been so much better. I know you’re ready for a new relationship. Well, as ready as you’re ever gonna be.” He pulls in his eyebrows and looks at his feet, as though he’s struggling with something.

“Spit it out,” I tell him and his eyes snap back to mine. Now they’re all business.

“I’m worried you won’t be able to fix her, and that you’ll end up being hurt more. Or, the other side would be, you fix her, then you leave her, and she breaks completely. Right now she has a structure to her life, she’s coping, surviving. If you break her, you’ll take those tools away.”

I pull my hand down my face. “What the fuck are you talking about?” I snap out.

“Listen, you aren’t going to like this, but try to get what I’m saying. It’s not that I think you will
ever
purposely hurt her. It’s just, you haven’t been interested in anyone since Amanda…” he pauses and the throb is still there, but it’s not a sharp pain anymore, just a memory of someone who I still miss. “Suddenly, you see Laurie again after all this time. It just seems coincidental that she’s going through the motions of life, and although you’ve been around her before, there was never a spark. Now there is?”

He shakes his head. “Sorry, I know you hate me interfering with your shit, but you know that’s
never
stopped me before, and I ain’t about to start now. I don’t want her to be your project. You fell in love with Amanda and I’m not saying it wasn’t real, but part of it had to have been the situation. You can’t tell me that you would have married her that quickly otherwise?”

I swallow the bile in my throat, knowing how true his words are and it’s killing me. “I’m just worried, if you fix Laurie, giving her your time, your strength, your love… by giving her those things, you’re giving her
you
. Then when she’s fixed and you think you can leave… you won’t be looking in your rear view mirror at someone who’s been fixed. You won’t even be looking at someone who’s once again broken. If you fix her, then leave… you’ll be looking back at someone you’ve destroyed.”

We stand in silence for a few moments while I contemplate his words. “I like her, okay? Not just to
fix
her.” The rumble of words shows the anger inside. I know that he’s coming from a good place, and I love him, but
fuck
he pisses me off sometimes.

“All right. I’ll shut up,” he says with a smirk.

“Fuck you, dick,” I reply, but I’m over the annoyance already. “I like her. I never thought about her in that way before. Hell, I never thought about her
at all
before. Back then, you know my world was black. I would’ve been over Amanda a long time before if it wasn’t for the alcohol… and trust me, that shit is hard to say. Somewhere in here…” I thump my chest over my heart, “…I feel like I’m betraying her by not being so broken all the time. I was exhausted, man. So fucking tired of always feeling numb or in pain. I’ve let it go, and now I know what I want. Right now, I’m offering her friendship. She’s taken it and we’ve become close. I’d be a lying bastard if I said I don’t see how fucking amazing she is. I can’t push it, though, or her. Not yet.”

“Meaning you will at some point?” he asks.

“Only for so long. I can’t last looking at her, spending time with her, smelling her and not being able to touch her,” I explain.

“Yeah, you don’t sound like much of a creeper,” Danny tells me with a smirk.

“Fuck off, you fucker,” I reply. “Go on, get back to your family. Say hi to Anabel,” I tell him before getting into my car. Reversing out of the space, Danny taps on my roof before I can drive away. I open my window for him.

“For what it’s worth… she’s fucking perfect for you, man. This time, you could have it all.”

I don’t reply. Just raise my chin in the affirmative and drive away, hoping I’m strong enough to bring us both into the light. Then, maybe, Laurie might be the future I never thought I’d have.

“You’ve been really quiet lately. More than usual. What’s going on?” Sarah asks, gazing at me from over her coffee.

Frowning, while blowing the steam from my cup, I think about my response. “I have a lot on my mind.” It’s the truth. I know that won’t appease her, but I don’t want to get into everything right now. Although, I have a feeling I’m not going to escape at least part of it.

“Um-hum,” she replies, raising one perfectly arched eyebrow back at me.

“I’ve been spending time with Ruben.”

“I’ve noticed,” she answers grinning.

Shaking my head, I sip the coffee before returning it to the table. “No. Not like that. I don’t think he sees me in
that
way.” My eyes widen as I realize what I’ve just admitted out loud.

“But you want him to.” It’s not a question, Sarah can read me so well.

I hang my head. “I liked him. Back then, before, when I was trying to help him. But—”

“He hurt you.”

At her statement, my head jerks back up and I give her a small smile.

“He didn’t mean to, he was in pain, drunk most of the time, and didn’t really have a good grip on his own behavior or his own life,” I tell her. She nods at me but says nothing, waiting for me to open up. It’s not something I’m good at doing, and even though I’ve known Sarah for years and she’s the closest thing I have to a best friend, I still find myself clamming up and not wanting to be honest. I’m similar with Amber, but then I put that down to the fact that I see Amber like a daughter. The only person I’ve been able to open up to easily, sometimes without even meaning to is Ruben. Which is stupid, because I know Sarah so much better. There’s just something so comforting about him. And lately, I find I’m immediately at ease in his company.

“I know. There’s no judgment here. You know that, Laurie.”

“Yeah.” I sigh. “I know.”

“So how have things been?” Sarah grabs our empty cups and walks over to the sink, washing each one. I maneuver myself next to her and rest my hip against the cupboard.

“I’ve actually had such a good time with him. He’s a genuinely lovely man.” I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face. “After the first night when I ate at his place, we’ve gone out to eat, just to the diner but it was great. He took me rock climbing.”

“But you don’t like heights.”

Laughing I reply, “I know! He learned that when we arrived. He also found out that I don’t much like surprises.” Sarah giggles back at me. “Then he took me to the zoo.”

“Really? Well done him.” She slaps her hands together.

“Yeah, I think he was pretty pleased with himself when he saw how much I love animals. Even though, I’m still on the fence about them being kept in a zoo.” I frown at that thought then continue, “He makes me smile, Sarah.” Grabbing her arm, I lean in. “He makes me feel like I’m important, like I’m worth something.”

Sarah wipes at a tear pooling in the corner of her eye. “I’m glad someone is finally getting into that noggin of yours just how special you are.”

I drop my arm and my smile. “It hurts, though.”

“What does?”

“I’m never going to be able to compete with his ex. No matter what he’s told me, I know she meant so much to him, I’m scared I’ll just be sloppy seconds.” I move over to the seat where we just were and sit back down. “The sad thing is, I’d take sloppy seconds any day with him. If he wanted me, I’d be anything he wished for.”

Sarah walks over and crouches down in front of me grabbing my hands in her own. “You do not deserve to be someone else’s sloppy seconds, girl. But, I don’t think you would be with him. The way I’ve seen him around here, both with the seniors and with you, he’s not the same man who came here all that time ago. He’s changed, and Laurie, the way he looks at you when you don’t see…” she sucks in a breath through her teeth, “…he doesn’t just gaze at you like he’s already a man in love, it’s not clichéd crap. Not with Ruben. He watches you like he’s sure that any minute, you’re going to do something extraordinary, and he absolutely doesn’t want to miss it.”

My mouth opens and closes a few times. I’m stuck, unsure what to say to that, but I don’t have to say anything because Sarah carries on, “You may think that he doesn’t feel anything for you, but girl, you’d be
wrong.
That man knows what he has in you, he’s just biding his time. Trust me. And anyway, anyone who cares about you, and you know I love you girl, can see there’s more going on in here.” She taps my head. “He has to get in there before you really open up in here.” She moves her finger until it hovers over my heart. “My thinking, and if I’m any decent kind of counselor then I’m right, is that once you really let him in, he’ll give you the life you deserve filled with tenderness and love.”

“You’re going to make my eyes puffy,” I tell her, smiling through the few tears that have fallen down my face.

“Come here, girl,” she says, pulling me into her chest and wrapping her arms around me. I sigh, but it’s a happy one. Closing my eyes, I enjoy the moment. I don’t have many hugs. That sounds ridiculous to even think, but unfortunately, it’s true. Even when Larissa and Rocco were alive—that kid… God that kid—he always had a hug ready for me. But I was always so busy and Larissa wasn’t physically able to do much of anything most of the time, the haste of our lives passing us by and the hours I worked, meant I didn’t have the small things that we take for granted like hugging.

My parents were always cold. Strict. Absent. I’m not sure why they had Larissa and me if I’m being perfectly honest. We weren’t treated like they wanted us, loved us, it was more like they felt it was the right thing to do.

Find an appropriate partner in college. Check.

Wait a suitable amount of time before getting engaged. Check.

Get married. Check.

Buy a house. Check.

Have Children. Check.

There was no thought behind it, and looking back at it all now, I think they were more than relieved when they saw the back of the both of us. Amber gives me hugs when I ask, and I have to ask because she wasn’t brought up with love either. So it’s an unnatural act for her. I don’t want to ask anymore, I just want to be loved, to be able to walk up to someone and slip my arms around them, knowing they’ll do the same back to me.

Sarah pulls back and grabs a tissue handing it to me. “So, is he in today?” she asks me.

I shake my head. “No. He went to visit his mom this weekend. He’ll be back tonight, and I have tomorrow off…” my voice trails away, not really sure what I’m trying to say.

“So you’re hoping he’ll call and make plans for tomorrow?” She watches me and I shrug my shoulders in response. “Don’t worry girl, he’ll call. I’d lay money on it.” She winks at me. “Come on, I have a session in ten, and you need to get everything ready for your next meeting. I’ve seen the office, sheesh. That admin pile never goes down, does it?”

I chuckle. “Nope. Come on.” I link my arm through hers and we walk back to my office, where she leaves me and heads to hers. I close my door and sit at my desk, unlocking my computer and sitting back in the chair. The photo on my desk of Rocco catches my eye, and I pick it up kissing his little boy face. With emotion still swirling inside of me, it’s not long until the tears start again.

“I let you down. I’m not sure I deserve the future Sarah thinks I do. As much as I’d love it. Why should I get that future, when you haven’t got yours? It’s my fault, baby boy. I killed you.” Putting the photo back, I lay my head on the desk. “God, I miss you,” I whisper to him.

Ten minutes later I’m still slouched there, wondering how in the hell I’m ever going to beat back the demons, when I belong in hell right along with them.