What's Done In the Dark (2 page)

“Hello?” I said, exasperated.

“Just one time, I’m going to call your house and have a civil conversation without you going off on your kids.”

I tried to smile at the sound of my best friend’s voice. But I wasn’t in a smiling mood. These kids had worked my
last nerve. Again.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. I really do. But my oldest, Tahiry, was fourteen and in that stage where I couldn’t stand her. Then my ten-year-old son was ADD, ADHD, or one of those other acronyms to describe a child who couldn’t keep his butt still. And then, just when I thought I was done having kids, I got a double surprise three years ago. Marcus and Mason. You know that 99.9 percent effective rate for birth control? My twins are that 0.01 percent because I took my pills faithfully. So imagine my surprise when my doctor informed me that my ulcer was actually babies (with an
s
).

So, with three rambunctious boys and a teen who was feeling herself, I wouldn’t be experiencing any peaceful moments in my house any time soon.

“Stevie, watch your brothers. I’m going out here to have a smoke.”

“You know cigarettes kill people,” Tahiry said, not looking up from her spot on the recliner where she’d been texting God knows who for the past two hours.

“So does having kids,” I mumbled.

Stevie stopped jumping long enough to say, “For real, Ma. They told us at school that cigarettes turn your lungs black and you get all crippled and stuff and can’t breathe. I can’t be having a jacked-up-looking mom, coughing and stuff.”

“She’s not going to be jacked up,” Tahiry said. “She’s gonna be dead.”

“You’re gonna die, Mommy?” Marcus asked in horror.

“Of course not, son.”

“If she doesn’t stop smoking, she will.” Tahiry shrugged nonchalantly. Did I mention I couldn’t stand my daughter?

“My dad quit smoking and got run over by a
Mack truck,” I said, grabbing my pack of Virginia Slims and making my way out onto our back deck.

“Why are you telling your kids that?” Felise said on the phone. “You know your dad died in a regular car accident.”

I plopped down on a patio chair. “Regardless, he’d stopped smoking and he died anyway.”

I didn’t start smoking until I had kids. I knew it was a nasty habit, and my husband, Steven, hated it. But I needed something to take the edge off, and since I wasn’t much of a drinker, I medicate with cigarettes.

“What’s up? What are you doing?” Felise said. “I was hoping I could come scoop you up and we could go have a drink or something.” She sounded distressed, but as much as I would’ve loved to have spent the evening catching up with her over drinks, that was no longer my reality.

“Girl, please. Steven is gone. As usual. So I’m stuck at home with the kids. Their behinds need to be in the bed, but I just don’t have the strength to fight with them. I hate summers.” I lit my cigarette and took a long inhale. The smoke immediately began relaxing my nerves.

“Isn’t your mom there?”

I blew out a puff of smoke. “Yeah, but she’s about to go play bingo. Besides, I wouldn’t be good company. I’m in a foul mood.”

“Which is exactly why you need to get out. I’m in a foul mood, too, and I need to vent.”

“About what?” I didn’t give her time to answer before adding, “Why are you going to have a drink anyway? Isn’t today your anniversary?”

“That’s what I need to talk about.”

Suddenly, the patio door opened, and Tahiry stepped
out. “Mom, you might want to get in here. The boys are having a water gun fight in your living room.”

“Are you freakin’ kidding me?” I screamed. “Felise, I’m sorry, you’ll have to tell me what’s going on later. I have yet another catastrophe to go deal with. Call you later.”

I hung up the phone. I couldn’t even hold a freakin’ conversation with my best friend. That’s how messed up my life was.

I took a quick last puff of my cigarette, tossed it down, and hurried back inside. I immediately told myself to follow my therapist’s advice and use my “calm” voice.

“Stevie, Marcus, and Mason,” I began, “please don’t jump on the sofa and shoot water guns in my house.” They looked at me for barely a moment, and then Mason sprayed Marcus as they took off running.

See?
I don’t know what kind of school my therapist went to or what kind of kids she was used to dealing with, but that calm mess didn’t work on my kids. I wanted to whip their behinds—like my mom used to do me—but Steven didn’t believe in spankings. To me, that was part of the reason our kids were out of control.

“If y’all don’t stop it right now!” I screamed. That got the reaction I had been looking for, and everyone came to a halt. “Go to bed! Don’t play with any toys, just put on your pajamas and get in the bed!”

They sulked as they walked off. Tahiry, who was still texting away on her phone, didn’t bother looking up as she said, “You should have stopped having kids at me.”

I wanted to tell her I should’ve never started with her. But since that’s not something I’d ever verbalize to my children,
I kept quiet.

Things had so not turned out like I planned. By college I’d shed those domestic dreams of childhood. I was going to be a big-time actress. I’d even dropped out of Howard University my junior year to pursue my dream. But after a couple of commercials, that dream had died really quick, and before I knew it, I was working in retail. I still got bit parts here and there, but nothing to consider a real acting career. Then, Felise, who had been my best friend since ninth grade, had introduced me to Steven when he’d moved to DC to go to Georgetown Law. Before I knew it, we were in deep. Tahiry was conceived two months after we started dating. Steven did the honorable thing and married me, and the course of my life was rewritten.

While I wouldn’t say Steven had pressured me into marriage, it’s not something I just had to do. But heaven forbid the esteemed son of Texas judge Walter Wright have a child out of wedlock. Not to mention the pressure from my family. Everyone made me feel so guilty that I felt that I had no choice but to get married. And although I’d learned to love my life, I now felt trapped. And resentful. On top of that, Steven worked so much. He was one of the most sought-after criminal defense attorneys in Texas. I was a stay-at-home mom, and I didn’t want to be. My passion was the theater. Just last month I’d been offered a role in a local stage play by an old director I used to work with. But they were planning to go on tour, and I couldn’t very well abandon my kids and go traipsing around the country with some play.

Meanwhile, my husband got a reprieve every day at work and with his out-of-town trips. Me, I never got a reprieve and it was taking its toll.

I made my way into the back guest room that had
become my mother’s room. Her door was open, and she was on her knees, praying.

“Heavenly Father,” she was saying, “I end this prayer asking that you bestow upon me bountiful blessings tonight at bingo. If I win, I promise I’ll give the church ten percent. Amen.”

I shook my head at my mom’s bootleg prayer and made my way back to my room. Her next step would be more practical. She would ask me for money for bingo.

I wanted out of my life. And as soon as my husband got home, I was going to tell him. I simply couldn’t do this anymore.

3

Felise

I NEVER KNEW JACK DANIEL’S
could be so comforting.

I’d been sitting here crying for the past thirty minutes, and since I knew I wasn’t much of a drinker, I’d been taking it slow. But the whiskey had me realizing one thing for sure: I was sick and tired of my husband.

Fifteen years of begging for affection. Fifteen years of living with an obsessive workaholic. After fifteen years you’d think I’d be used to it, but I was exhausted. I’d begged Greg to make more time for me, to give as much to our marriage as he gave to his job. And he’d try, and succeed for a while, but then he would go back to normal.

I needed a new normal.

Don’t get me wrong. I had no plans to divorce my husband. At least I didn’t think I did. He’d been the one who had repaired my broken heart when my one true love chose another. It’s why I’d hung in for so long. But I knew that if something didn’t change, a change of address would be in my
future.

“Felise?”

I turned around to the voice behind me. I immediately smiled at the sight of Steven, my dear friend and Paula’s husband.

“Hey, pretty lady,” he said, hugging me. “What are you doing here?”

I raised my drink. “Drinking,” I replied with a giggle. I wasn’t surprised that he was here. The Four Seasons bar had some of the best drink specials in town. “What are you doing here?”

“I had a meeting with one of my frat brothers. He’s trying to get me on board with this business venture. It sounds promising, but it may take me away from the family more, and I’m just not sure that’s something I want to do.”

That made me smile. Greg wouldn’t have even considered his family.

“Good ol’ Steven,” I said, raising my drink to him in a toast. With the stretching I almost slipped off the chair.

“Whoa,” he said, catching me. I could see the wheels turning in his head as he assessed my condition. “Okay, what’s really going on? What are you doing here?”

I released a strained laugh. “What does it look like?”

“It looks like you’re drinking”—he cocked his head and studied my drink—“whiskey.”

I saluted him. “You’re good.”

A light went on in his eyes, and his face changed. “Felise, what’s going on? Isn’t today your anniversary?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. Steven remembered it was my anniversary, but my own husband didn’t.

“Where’s Greg?”

I immediately lost my smile.
“He’s at home, cleaning up.”

“What?” Steven said, confused.

“He’s vacuuming up the rose petals I had laid out for our romantic evening.”

“What do you mean, vacuuming up?”

I took a deep breath and set my drink down. I needed to leave that bourbon alone. It was starting to make my head spin. “You know my husband,” I said. “He’s cleaning. On our fifteenth anniversary. I know it sounds unbelievable. But that’s my husband, good ol’ Greg.”

“Hey, man, can I get you anything?” the bartender asked, approaching us.

“Bring me something a little lighter,” I said. “Apple martini.”

“Should you be mixing liquor?” Steven asked.

“Should you be all up in my business?”

Steven smiled at that. He knew he couldn’t push me too far. He turned to the bartender and said, “You know what? Bring me a cranberry and vodka.” He slid into the barstool next to me. “You don’t mind me sitting here and having a drink with you, do you?”

I shrugged indifferently. What I was thinking, though, was that right about now I’d rather sit with him than just about anybody.

When the bartender placed the drinks in front of us, Steven said, “Okay, tell me what’s going on. You and Greg have a fight?”

I took a deep breath, sipped my martini, then relayed the whole sad story.

“Wow,” he said when I was finished.

“Yeah.” I leaned in. “So tell me, Steven, if I recall, didn’t you whisk your wife away for a weekend in Puerto Rico for your anniversary?”

Steven held up a finger to stop me. “Ah, not quite. That was the plan, but remember, Paula
bailed on me.”

I nodded. “Oh, yeah.” I remembered thinking Paula was out of her mind that day. Steven had called and asked her to meet him at the airport. He’d planned a surprise weekend trip for their anniversary, arranged childcare and everything, and Paula wouldn’t go because she said they “couldn’t just drop everything and jet off somewhere like they were single.” I’d felt like Paula and I needed to switch spouses.

It was a feeling I quickly brushed off, even though Steven had been mine before he was Paula’s. But that was a long time ago. Back in college when he and I were best friends who crossed the line. And when he’d gone to DC for law school, I’d hooked him up with Paula, my best friend since high school, who had gone to Howard University and was making her home in DC. I’d just wanted her to show him around. I never expected them to fall in love.

But the one thing I knew about Steven was he was a hopeless romantic. He would make up for that fiasco. No way would he let his fifteenth anniversary go by without some grandiose celebration.

Steven took a sip of his drink, then sadly said, “I don’t know if we’ll even make it to fifteen.”

“What?” I asked in shock. I knew Paula had been unhappy, but I had no idea Steven was feeling the same way.

“Sometimes I feel like marrying Paula was the biggest mistake I ever made,” he candidly admitted.

Immediately, I started feeling butterflies in my stomach. I tried to tell myself it was the liquor, but my heart wanted to believe that maybe, just maybe, Steven was thinking about us. As horrible as it seems, at that very moment I hoped that he was. Then I would know I wasn’t the only one who still
had unresolved feelings.

4

Felise

IT’S TRUE THAT LIQUOR BRINGS
out the real you. Because I had just asked a question that, had I been in my right mind, I would’ve never dreamed of asking. But I repeated it anyway.

“You can be honest. It won’t hurt my feelings,” I said. “Do you ever think about us? That’s a yes-or-no question.”

I was on my third apple martini. Couple that with the bourbon I’d had earlier and I was feeling pretty courageous.

Steven was nursing his third drink—since joining me—so I could tell he had a little buzz, too. Still, he said, “Come on, Felise, we agreed that was a chapter that was closed.”

I playfully stuck my bottom lip out. “I know we made the right decision. We’re too much alike.”

“Yeah, and don’t forget, you fixed me up with Paula.”

“Yeah, I did, and here we are.” My heart ached as I thought of their beautiful wedding. I loved Greg. I really did. But he was frugal and had considered a big wedding a waste of money, so we’d been married in a simple ceremony at
the justice of the peace. The bad part was Paula had simple tastes, too. She couldn’t have cared less about a big wedding. But Steven was from a prominent family and his mother would’ve died if she’d been denied the opportunity to see her son married in a huge ceremony. And talk about huge! They’d had ten bridesmaids (including me), ten groomsmen, and two hundred and fifty guests watch them exchange vows in a historic Catholic cathedral, followed by a reception for four hundred at an elite country club. Yep, I’d gotten a dirty courtroom at the courthouse and Paula had gotten my dream wedding.