What's a Girl Gotta Do? (5 page)

eight

I had philosophy first thing.

I breezed in, two minutes before the bell, and everyone stared. I was too high to care.

I usually sit next to Jane and Joel, but today I scooted in next to Mike.

“Hi, Mike,” I said, way too friendly. “How's tricks?”

“Lottie!” He looked up from his textbook. It was open at the page I'd read last night – he'd highlighted the train question in yellow.

I will not be the sort of person who flicks the switch.

“I'm all right,” he said. “Though this module is kicking my butt.” He ran his hands through his blond Draco-Malfoy hair then clocked my outfit. His eyebrows shot up his face.

Ignoring him, I dumped my stuff out onto my desk.

“Okay, so this is going to sound totally strange, but why did you steal my point yesterday, Mike?” I asked.

His eyebrows danced higher. “What?”

“My analogy about philosophy,” I continued. “Yesterday you copied it and pretended it was yours. Everyone laughed and gave you the credit? Remember?”

He looked at me like I was truly nuts. But I wasn't. And even if I was – it was his nuts that had made
me
nuts.

“I honestly have no idea what you're talking about,” Mike said, but the confusion had vanished from his face and it was getting red, glowing against his white-blond hair. He knew
exactly
what I was talking about.

“Look, it's not a huge deal,” I continued, leaning over the desk and then realizing, in this outfit, that wasn't the best idea. “I just find it strange, that's all. Don't you?”

To be fair to Mike, his eyes stayed level with mine, despite my very low-cut top.

“I don't mean this the wrong way, Lottie,” he stammered. “But, well, you sound a little…bonkers.”

I threw back my head and laughed. Bonkers. I hadn't heard the word bonkers in ages. Why didn't we all use it more? It's such a bonkersly brilliant word. And, actually, it totally summed up how I felt. I WAS bonkers. I felt bonkers. But in this really special and useful way.

I laughed while Mike stared at me with his mouth open, looking half-intrigued, half-terrified of what I was going to say next. I was done here. I'd made my point. It really wasn't a huge deal, but I couldn't let it go totally unnoticed. Not any more.

I took off my big scarf, and instantly regretted it. The college central heating hadn't been switched on yet and my tummy turned to a puffy plain of goose pimples.

“Anyway, Mike, you can continue pretending you have no idea what I'm talking about. But next time…next time…don't think I won't call you out on it.”

He didn't reply, just kept his eyes determinedly locked on his textbook rather than my cleavage. But, as our teacher came in, I heard him mutter, “Totally, totally bonkers.”

Everyone was at lunch. Amber, Evie, Evie's not-quite-boyfriend Oli, Jane, Joel. Two baskets of chips lay in the middle of the table, with a liquidy pile of burger sauce. Joel had the worst habit of mixing mayonnaise with tomato ketchup wherever he went.

“I am here,” I announced, instead of a straight hello. “And I have the most excellent of plans.”

Everyone but Joel and Jane (who'd seen me in philosophy) stared in shock. An actual chip fell out of Amber's mouth onto the table.

“Umm, Lottie?” Evie asked. “Why are you dressed like Jodie Foster in
Taxi Driver
?”

I looked down at my ensemble. “Not seen the film.”

Oli, a fellow film nerd, elaborated. “She's asking why you look like a child prostitute.”

“Oh!” I grinned madly and tapped my nose. “It is part of the plan.” I pulled up a chair and sat right between Oli and Evie, just for laughs. They'd managed, after a year of nervously looking at each other, to have one whole kiss. Two weeks before, at this girl Anna's house party. But both of them were so shy they were pretending it hadn't happened. I yearned for their innocence. I've kissed soooo many boys. And that's not the half of it.

“I'm scared,” Amber said.

“Seconded,” Evie said.

“You should have seen how weird she was in philosophy,” Joel added.

“HUSH,” I said. “I told you…I have a plan.”

“Well, what is it then?” Amber asked.

I stood up again, for extra dramatic effect – pulling down my minuscule shorts.

“I'm starting a project. Either for FemSoc, or the Spinster Club, or maybe even just for myself. It's going to run for a month, I think. And, well, for an ENTIRE month I HAVE to call out EVERY SINGLE INCIDENCE of sexism I see.”

I waited for applause, but they all just looked at me. Apart from Joel, who'd stopped listening entirely and buried his face into a greasy hamburger.

“WELL?” I demanded.

“Every single sexist thing you see?” Evie was the first to speak.

I nodded. “Everything. Even the sexist stuff against boys too.”

Amber put her hand up.

“You don't always have to put your hand up to speak,” I said.

“Yes I do,” she grinned. I have a habit of…er…dominating conversation when I get overexcited.

“What is it, Amber?”

“Why?”

I pointed at her. “Yes, ten points to Gryffindor. Why would I do such a thing? Why indeed?”

I pulled her out of her chair to dance with me. She was pretty wedged in but got up reluctantly and let me spin her under my arm.

“I decided after yesterday's horribleness that it wasn't so much all the sexual harassment that bothered me. It was the fact I didn't stand up for myself.”

“But those men could've been dangerous,” Evie pipped in.

“They weren't,” I said. “I took them on this morning and reported them to their boss.” I spun Amber harder but she broke free and dizzily turned to face me.

“You did what?”

They all stared at me like I was a teeny bit mad.

“I told you, I reported them. I even deliberately lured them in.” I pointed to my goose-pimpled body.

“And that explains why she's dressed like a child prostitute,” Oli whispered loudly to Evie, who giggled.

“Hush!” I called. “I can dress HOWEVER I like, thank you very much. Yes, I may have frostbite of the entire thigh and stomach area, but that is MY CHOICE.”

“Leave Oli alone.” Evie gave him a small look then instantly turned red. God, those two were hopeless. “There's having your choices and then there's choosing to dress as BAIT.”

“Evie's right,” Amber said. “I mean, A, it sounds like you didn't need to dress as bait anyway, they harassed you yesterday when you were all covered up in a winter coat. And, B, Lottie, that was dangerous! There's a difference between finding trouble and trouble finding you.”

I pulled a face. “But you know I have a flair for dramatics.”

“Oh, we know,” Evie said pointedly, with a smile.

“As I was saying,” I continued. “I felt bad because I let it slide yesterday. And then I thought of all the other small things I let slide. Then I realized… What if it's all connected?”

“What if all of
what
is connected?” Jane asked. Wow, I even had Jane's attention. Probably because Joel was still totally entranced by his burger.

“Sexism. Well, all just general badness, but I'm focusing mainly on sexism. What if all the tiny shitty sexism things build up to allow the smaller shitty sexism things, and then what if all the small shitty things build up to allow the medium, and what if the medium things build up—”

“We got it,” Amber said, smiling. She loved to deliberately interrupt me when I was in full flow.

“Yes, well.” I pulled down my shorts again. Why were they so determined to be up my bumhole? I was being sexually assaulted by my own item of clothing. “That's why I've decided that, for a month, I'm not going to let anything slide. You never know – I might even change the world!”

There was silence. Well, apart from Joel's chomping noises.

Evie was the first to speak. “I like it, Lottie. I think you're totally nuts, as always, but I like it.”

Amber nodded her freckly face. “I like it too. Though I think you need to think some stuff through.”

“Like what?”

“Like the rules. What does ‘calling out' sexism mean? How will you identify if something is sexist?” She listed her points on her fingers.

I nodded. “This is useful.”

“We could help you,” Evie offered. “Maybe make this the FemSoc campaign like you said? See if the other members agree?”

I nodded even more furiously. “Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES!” I punched the air. Then, suddenly exhausted, I flopped down on the chair. “Meeting at mine tonight then?”

Both Evie and Amber nodded. “Though I don't have any cheese left to bring,” Evie said. “You ate it all last night.”

“I don't think I can handle any more cheese,” I said. “Can we get chocolate instead?”

“Seconded,” Amber said. “I was doing Boursin burps all night.”

“Sexy.” I winked.

“Oh, don't I know it. I told Kyle about them. He was suitably appalled.”

“He'll still love you anyway. That boy is OBSESSED with you.” Kyle was Amber's trans-Atlantic boyfriend. He was worryingly perfect, apart from the fact he lived thousands of miles away.

I looked at the others. Joel had finished his burger but put his headphones in. Jane shared one headphone with him, doing the same half-smile she always did to us when she was only half there. I seriously thought that, after a year of going out together, Jane and Joel would've cooled things down. But, if anything, they seemed even more besotted with each other. Only Oli was still paying any attention, with his shockingly green eyes. I could totally see what Evie saw in him. Though I could never put up with his terminal shyness…even though he had some pretty good explanations for it.

“What do you think, Oli?” I picked up a now-cold chip and ate it. “A guy's opinion would be useful…as long as it's positive.” I gave him a mock-evil.

He laughed, and held his hands up in defence. “I think it sounds interesting,” he said. “You know what you should do, though?”

“What?”

“Get someone to film it. Make it into an online video campaign. It will reach more people that way.”

I was quiet as I digested what a very good idea that was.

“What a very good idea that was,” I said.

Oli went bright red. Evie looked at him, then he looked at Evie, then she went bright red too.

“None of us can use a camera though,” Amber pointed out.

“We have a few wannabe film-makers in film studies, don't we, Evie?”

She nodded, still red. “We could ask around?”

“That would be amazing!”

I felt all full of love and meaning and fight and cold chips. I was onto something…I could just feel it…

Until Amber muttered. “Uh oh, Teddy alert. Teddy alert.”

My tummy squidged up. “Oh bollocks, where?”

“Six o'clock.”

I twisted my head around gormlessly. “Amber, where the heck is six o'clock…? Oh…here he is.”

Teddy was heading straight over with a lunch tray. His hair flopped in his eyes, but not enough to cover the huge stinky stinkeye he very deliberately gave me when he realized I was there. He didn't have his usual bunch of hyena mates with him, otherwise he'd probably have said something.

My stomach turned again. Teddy was this hairy rugby guy I dated last year who seemed fun at first and then got totally intense super quickly. When he told me he was in love with me, on, like, our third date, I freaked out but ended things as considerately as I could. He didn't take it well though. He still didn't take it well. Him and his rugby team went totally ballistic when the girls and I campaigned for a rape song to get taken off the college jukebox and made our lives hell.

“I've honestly never seen so much hatred in anyone's eyes before,” Evie marvelled.

“Shh,” I said, before looking up to smile at him.

He saw, he definitely saw. But he just stopped and gave me a very slow and deliberate sneer. Then he stalked off in the opposite direction.

“Wow,” Amber said. “Do you think he came over just to sneer at you?”

Evie chuckled. “That's what happens when you take an intense person's virginity and then dump them.”

“Hey!” I said, trying not to smile. I'd felt guilty about Teddy for months, but even with all my apologizing, he still went out of his way to make me feel like a slutty she-wolf. “I didn't know he was a virgin. Or a vengeful bell-end. All his chest hair confuzzled me.”

Joel, for the first time that lunch, looked vaguely interested in the conversation.

“So virgins don't have chest hair?” Amber asked.

I shrugged. “Well, you never imagine them having it, do you? Gah. Why is he still at college anyway?”

“He's retaking his A levels, isn't he? He failed a few.” She smiled. “It's your fault.”

I picked up a congealed chip and threw it at her. “It's totally not my fault! He failed his first year before I was even here, because he spent every spare moment playing rugby rather than revising. And don't mess with me today, I have a plan.”

“You do indeed, my evil genius.”

I grinned back, slumping in my chair, feeling happy – as long as I didn't look in Teddy's direction. I felt strong, I felt unstoppable, I felt ignited. It pulsed through my blood with every heartbeat.

Then I saw Megan leaving her table and carrying her lunch tray to the bin. I stood up quickly.

“Where you off to?” Evie asked.

“I've got to go talk to someone. Meet you both at the gates after last bell?”

Amber and Evie nodded.

I turned to Jane. Amber and I were getting better at not leaving her out – though it was still an effort sometimes. “You want to come, Jane?” I asked her.