What to Expect the Toddler Years (35 page)

Somewhere around the time toddlers learn to use the toilet, they begin to make sense out of scents, developing the ability to sort smells into those that are esthetically pleasing and those that are not. Exposure to a wide range of sniffing experiences will sharpen these olfactory capabilities, so that your toddler will eventually be able to not only smell those roses but also to differentiate between them and the fertilizer that was used on them.

Taking a sniffing tour of your home will be a nostril-opening experience for your toddler. Sniff the flowers in the vase, laundry fresh out of the dryer, the peaches and bananas ripening on the counter, the cat chow in the can, and the burgers on the family table, identifying each for your toddler. When you’re cooking, stop to let your toddler smell the onions you’re chopping for stew, the vanilla and the cinnamon you’re adding to the muffins, the Parmesan you’re grating for the pasta, the tuna you’re tossing in the salad. Keeping a watchful eye to prevent sniffing from turning into inhalation, let your toddler’s nose have a go at the spice cabinet—from subtle sage to jarring ginger.

Sniff as you go, too. When you’re walking through the park, smell the lilacs and the honeysuckle, the pine needles and the freshly mowed grass. When you’re at the market, smell the lemons, the oranges, the fresh herbs, the baked goods, the barbecuing chickens.

With older, more adventurous toddlers, “smelling” guessing games can be played blindfolded or with eyes closed. Have your toddler try to identify items by smell as you hold them up to his or her nose (aftershave, a ripe banana, toasted bread, strawberries).

Taste.
Most toddlers are somewhat less open to expanding the horizons of their taste buds than they are to other sensory adventures. For a child who won’t open wide for anything that doesn’t look like a Cheerio, trailblazing gastronomic roadways may be met with tightly clenched teeth instead of eagerly parted lips.

Nevertheless, trying never hurts, and even the most finicky toddler may surprise you by doing just that, especially when the new taste is presented with some fanfare. Experiment with a variety of tastes, textures, colors, and shapes. Occasionally offer a tastefully designed lunchtime sampler on a large plate (but make sure none of the foods “touch” one another; many toddlers dislike mingling flavors). Such a smorgasbord will stimulate not only the sense of taste but, as a bonus, the sense of sight. Introduce some new taste sensations along with some old favorites. As your toddler nibbles, have him or her, with your help, describe the flavor of the fare: banana chunks (sweet and mushy), cheese cubes (salty), minced apple (sweet, crunchy, juicy), cottage cheese (creamy, soft), raisins cooked in juice (sweet, chewy). Never force, pressure, plead, or bribe your toddler to taste a food, however. You’ll only encourage more resistance and possibly set up future eating problems.

Toddlers use their sense of taste to explore the nonedibles in their environment, too. Though they may use their mouths less often than they did as babies, some toddlers are still mouthing objects. Which means that special attention must be paid to what your child gets his or her hands on; whatever it is, it’s sure to get shoved into a ready mouth.

Touch.
Toddlers discover so much about their world through their fingertips.
Often, from a parent’s point of view, too much. They discover, for instance, that tearing pages out of a magazine is fun (and gets the best reaction if that issue hasn’t been read yet). And that manipulating the VCR remote is exhilarating (especially after having been told repeatedly to stop).

Considering how much mischief toddlers manage to get into through touching, it’s not surprising that they often receive less encouragement to use and develop this sense than any other. But touch can teach toddlers a lot. And encouraging toddlers to touch in a safe, childproofed environment (see page 240) will not only help them build up this tactile sense, it will also help minimize the daily frustration of living in a world where so much is off-limits.

Invite your toddler to feel the roughness of Daddy’s unshaven cheeks first thing in the morning, then their smoothness after a shave. The silkiness of a blouse, the nubbiness of a sweater. The fluffiness of a cotton ball, the brittleness of dead leaves. Take your toddler on a fingertip tour in and around the house: the raised embroidery on a pillow, the irregularity of a slate floor, the intricately carved detail on a wooden bannister, the velvety softness of a flower petal, the crew-cut spikiness of a newly cut lawn. Find textures intriguing to the touch everywhere you go, and let your toddler run his or her fingers along the scratchy surface of burlap, the cold smoothness of steel, the glossiness of wallpaper. Save scraps of fabric (velvet, silk, terry, flannel), carpet, sandpaper, and other interesting textures and keep them in a “touching” box. Help your toddler sort through what feels soft, what feels scratchy, what feels smooth, and so on.

Put your older toddler to the touch test the fun way. With your little one’s eyes closed or covered, hold familiar objects (a hairbrush, a toy car, a set of keys, an apple) up for him or her to feel and identify by touch. Or put the objects in a cardboard box, cut a hole in the side, and have your toddler reach inside, finger, and identify an object.

Though there’s much you can do to nurture the development of your toddler’s senses through stimulating activities, it’s important to keep in mind that you can overdo it. Children need time to sit and ponder, time to make their own discoveries. A good clue that you’re pushing too hard is your child’s reaction. When interest and excitement dwindle and you sense your toddler has tuned out, switch out of your instructive mode.

To the adoring eyes of a small child, it seems that his or her larger-than-life parents know everything, can do anything, are always right. In short, they’re perfect. Alas, as those of us who’ve been around a little longer know all too well, that perception is only an illusion. Even the best and brightest have frailties and imperfections—nobody, but nobody, is perfect.

And it’s best that children learn this early on. Because children who are
taught that everyone—even a parent, even a grandparent, even a teacher—makes mistakes, can feel free to grow up trying to do their best and to take calculated risks without fearing failure. To help your toddler learn this lesson:

Don’t demand perfection in your toddler. Expecting more than your toddler can deliver may be daunting, discouraging, and damaging to his or her self-esteem. Expectations (about behavior, skill mastery, comprehension) should be not only age-appropriate but tailored to your child’s temperament and abilities. That doesn’t mean, however, that you should set low expectations or none at all. Children who aren’t expected to live up to any sort of standard usually fail to learn self-discipline, to meet challenges, and to take risks. They are denied the ego boost that comes with knowing, “I did something I didn’t think I could do.” And they often become low achievers.

Don’t demand perfection in others. Be accepting of the imperfections in those around you. In your spouse (so what if he always leaves the toilet seat up; so what if she always leaves the toothpaste uncapped); in people you work with; in people who work for you; in people at the post office, the supermarket, or the bank. That doesn’t mean accepting constant rudeness, incompetence, or sloppiness as a matter of course but practicing patience and tolerance—recognizing that even the best of us slips up or has a bad day occasionally.

Don’t hide your mistakes from your toddler. It’s important for children to see that parents aren’t infallible, and that they are willing to admit it. So when you lose your temper or forget to buy your toddler’s favorite fruit or somehow fail to turn on
Sesame Street
until halfway into the program, admit you goofed and apologize.

Don’t demand perfection of yourself. There are no perfect parents. Forgive yourself when you fail to live up to your own expectations. Remember, you’re only human. Every parent makes mistakes occasionally and most of us make them fairly often. We need to recognize our mistakes, learn from them, and then move on.

Forgive your child’s mistakes fully and completely. Provide unconditional acceptance. Never withdraw love (or pretend to) because a child’s behavior or achievements fall short, or for any other reason. (Of course, since you’re not perfect either, you won’t always be able to react perfectly to your child’s imperfect actions. Occasionally losing your cool over messy or destructive mistakes is only human. Just make sure your toddler knows that your
love
never wavers, even when your temper does. See page 751 for more on parental temper.)

You may fear that letting your child know that you don’t require perfection will lower both your expectations and his or her performance. But that isn’t so. Children who feel free to risk making mistakes, who don’t feel pressured to be perfect, actually perform at higher levels than those who are always worried about the need to achieve perfection. Children who feel free to take risks also grow up feeling better about themselves and are less likely to suffer from self-doubt, less likely to turn to substance abuse, less likely to experience severe depression.