What to Expect the Toddler Years (155 page)

“I’ve read that there are piano and violin lessons for children as young as three. Is it a good idea to get our daughter started that young?”

It depends what you’re starting her on. Formal lessons aren’t generally recommended until a child reaches at least five or six. What is recommended for toddlers is trying to instill a love of music. Not everyone is musically gifted, but everyone can learn to appreciate music. You can help your child develop her appreciation by playing music of various kinds in your home, taking her to concerts for very young children, and encouraging her to sing, dance, and play music (on child-size xylophones, triangles, tambourines, harmonicas, recorders, and other toy instruments).

If your child expresses a strong interest in music and is eager to learn to play a “real” instrument, you can consider the Suzuki method, which teaches children as young as three or four to play the violin (small-scale versions of adult instruments are used). As with any kind of lessons or classes you choose for your toddler, don’t push. If she expresses an interest in playing the violin, give her a chance to try it, if you can. If she wants to continue, encourage her. If she doesn’t, wait a couple of years before trying again—with the violin or another instrument.

“Our toddler is still hard to under-stand—even for us. He mispronounces many consonants and mumbles many words.”

Some children are genetically programmed to speak as clearly as adults long before they are three years old; others are still saying “I wuv you” when they enter kindergarten. Differences in the clarity of speech are most often not a matter of intelligence, but of the rate at which a child develops control over his tongue and lip muscles. So mispronounced consonants and mumbled words themselves are not a reason for concern.

If, however, by your toddler’s third birthday you understand what he’s saying
less
than half the time, there may be an underlying problem, such as a hearing deficit, that needs addressing. So check
with his doctor. Early attention to language delays by a specialist can make a major difference, not just in language development but in learning in general, and most importantly, in a child’s self-esteem.

If there doesn’t seem to be a problem that requires professional attention, you can try “chewing exercises” to speed development of the structures of the mouth: Have your child chew sugarless gum (if you’re sure he won’t swallow it) or celery or carrots (cut in thin sticks) or a chewy bagel or similar foods two or three times daily. Since a sucking habit can cause mouth deformities that lead to lisping, getting a child to give up such a habit can also be helpful.

But don’t make a fuss about your child’s speech deficiencies (remember, they’re normal) or try to push him to speak more clearly. Nagging could make your child hesitate to speak, increase shyness and withdrawal, and slow progress—even trigger stuttering. Instead, encourage him to speak freely, try hard to understand what he says, avoid imitating his mistakes (either as a put-down or because they’re “cute”), and gradually you can expect his language to become more clear. If he is still mispronouncing some consonants as he approaches school age (many children still are), ask his doctor whether a speech therapist should be consulted.

“I want to read some of the classic fairy tales to my daughter—like
Little Red Riding Hood, Hansel and Gretel,
and
Snow White
. But I’m afraid they may frighten her.”

A grandmother is gobbled alive by a bloodthirsty wolf. A clever girl prevents her brother from becoming a witch’s dinner; on the way out, they leave the old sorceress to roast in the oven that had been intended for him. A jealous queen-witch orders her huntsman to slaughter her beautiful stepdaughter and remove her heart; when that plan fails, she tricks the innocent maiden into eating a poisoned apple.

Violent? Absolutely! Frightening? Possibly. Inappropriate for young children? Well, probably not. While there’s no doubt that fairy tales are chock full of wicked witches, sinister beasts, formidable giants, and other fearsome figures, and that treachery and violence are plentiful, this malice isn’t gratuitous. For in each of these time-honored fables, right triumphs over wrong, the evil are punished, and the good enjoy their well-deserved happy ending. And of course, morals abound (for example, when Beauty finally falls in love with the Beast, the young listener comes to realize that you can’t judge a person by outward appearance).

Whether these tales, which have been putting children to bed for countless generations, should put your child to bed is a call only you can make—based on your parental instincts, your toddler’s personality, and on your evaluation of the expert opinion available. Renowned psychologist and author BrunoBettel heim gave fairy tales an unambiguous thumbs-up. Not only did he see them as not hazardous to the emotional well-being of children, he saw them as indispensable in their lives. In
The Uses of Enchantment,
his classic examination of the effects of fairy tales on children, Dr. Bettelheim wrote that while most children’s literature entertains and arouses curiosity, fairy tales stimulate imagination, develop intellect, clarify emotions, identify with a child’s anxieties, problems, and aspirations, and fulfill the need for “magic” in a world that often seems to lack it. In
Little Red Riding Hood,
for example, the child confronts, among other themes, the grandparent (or parent or other caregiver)
turned from a gentle nurturing soul into a ferocious beast (a metaphor that may strike a familiar chord) and then back again.
Hansel and Gretel
deals with poverty (the family is so poor that there isn’t enough to eat), with greediness (the children set out to devour a stranger’s gingerbread house), and with revenge against the witch–mother image (at first she seems kind, then she turns on them). And
Snow White
deals with intrafamily jealousies and rivalries and the struggle to cope with them (this theme, too, may hit home).

Consider, as well, the fact that most children aren’t frightened by fairy tales (although some parents are so certain that their children will be, that they never give the classics a chance). When fear does become an issue, it’s often the result of parental planting (“Now don’t be afraid, the wolf can’t get you”).

So before you decide to burn your collection of fairy tales along with all the spinning wheels in the kingdom, you might want to try:

Reading those bedtime stories early in the day.
If you’re worried that fairy tales at bedtime may result in nightmares or sleep problems for your toddler, reserve them for the light of day—at least until you’re sure she’s comfortable with them.

Starting with
The Emperor’s New Clothes.
Or
The Ugly Duckling
. Or another of the less fearsome fables. If your toddler seems to accept these well, begin working your way up to such spinetinglers as
Jack and the Beanstalk
.

Cuddling for security.
Snuggling up under a cozy blanket or in a favorite chair with your toddler while you read the fairy tales will help her to feel more secure and less threatened by any menacing characters.

Repeating the favorites.
Young children get very little out of a story the first time around, especially stories as complex as fairy tales; it’s the repetition that makes the impact. With each telling, they learn more, understand more, internalize more of the story’s values.

Rehashing the stories.
As with any story you read to your child, she’ll get much more out of a fairy tale if you discuss it together afterward. To launch a discussion, ask such open-ended questions as: “What do you like about this story?” and “How does this story make you feel?” Then, follow where she leads.

Doing a little editing.
Don’t worry about copyright laws here. If a plot line makes you feel a little uncomfortable, go ahead and rewrite as you read to your toddler—that’s how these stories were shaped in the first place. Tailor any of the venerable old tales to the needs or temperament of your toddler or your family, if you like. Have Granny hide out in the closet until the woodsman comes along and shoos the wolf back into the woods. Have Snow White fall asleep (instead of dropping dead) after eating the apple. Have Hansel and Gretel tie the witch to a kitchen chair before beating their hasty retreat through the forest. (But be sure the story’s illustrations can support your revisions.)

If the feminist in you winces at the “handsome prince rescuing the helpless but beautiful princess,” weave in some woman-empowering elements (the princess comes up with the plan for defeating the wicked witch, or pulls out a sword of her own and duels with the best of them). If you feel “and they lived happily ever after” paints an unrealistically simplistic picture of relationships between men and women, end your story with “and they loved each other very much, helped each other and shared, and were each other’s best friend,” implying it takes more than true love to make a lasting marriage. If you’d like to try some of the commercially sanitized (or
feminized) versions of fairy tales, feel free to—they’re okay for three- and four-year-olds. But don’t throw out the originals; when your child is older, she will benefit more from hearing those versions.

Pointing out the pretend.
Three-year-olds don’t fully grasp the difference between reality and fantasy, but they do understand
pretend
(they drink pretend tea from a toy cup, kiss a pretend baby, make a pretend action figure do battle). So when you read a fairy tale to your toddler, make sure she understands that the story is pretend, make-believe, not real. Assure her, for example, that wolves don’t really dress like grandmothers, that they are just big, wild dogs who can’t even talk.

Taking your cue from your toddler.
If she does seem frightened by a particular story, encourage (but don’t force) her to talk about her feelings. And don’t read the story again unless she asks for it. (Some children
love
being scared by scary stories, and ask to hear them over and over again.)

“Our daughter’s going to turn three in a few weeks, and we were wondering how much more elaborate we can get with the party plans now that she’s a little older.”

Don’t put in that call to Dial-a-Donkey or Magicians Unlimited yet. Three-year-olds can handle a little more party than two-year-olds—but just a
little
more. Too much more can send pint-sized party-goers into celebration overload, with less-than-pleasant results. Besides, three is still an age of relative innocence and relatively low expectations—even three-year-olds who frequently make the birthday party circuit are perfectly content, and sometimes even happier, with a few games or a craft project, modest decorations, and some ice cream and cake. It’s not yet necessary, and it’s usually not wise, to try to impress three-year-olds with elaborate plans and presentations.

For a happier third birthday all around:

Include your toddler in the planning.
A three-year-old can help decide on guests, decorations, simple entertainments, games, and so on. Take the special needs of the invitees into account, too; check with parents for details on allergies, dietary restrictions, limitations on activity, or other problems (such as a fear of dogs).

Keep it small.
An intimate group of children who know each other well—whether they’re preschool classmates or play-group cronies—works best. The one-guest-for-each-year rule (plus your child), which this year would bring the total up to a manageable four, is a good one to follow. Another, possibly less stressful option, is taking your daughter and one or two guests of her choosing out for a birthday fun-day—a movie and a pizza, for instance, or the zoo and a picnic. If you don’t want anyone to feel left out, you can always bring the party to school or day care, serving cupcakes and passing out favors (if they’re allowed) at snack time, or hold the party at play group.

Keep it well supervised.
If your birthday girl insists on having the party at home and you must invite more than three children (because, for instance, your daughter’s play group has five members or she wants everyone in her preschool class to come), you will probably need some help. If you can’t find enough willing adults, hire a responsible
teenager to help out with serving, cleanup, and party games. Or appoint willing older siblings as “helpers.”

Consider inviting parents.
Ask the parents of guests to stay if they’d like to, but only if you’re comfortable with the idea. Keep in mind, however, that some children are better behaved when their parents
aren’t
around. If you do extend an invitation to parents, have enough cake and other refreshments on hand should they all decide to join the fun.

Have scheduling savoir-faire.
If most of the children on your guest list still take naps, plan the fiesta around the siestas. Be thoughtful of mealtimes, too; if you’re serving cake and ice cream at an afternoon party, for example, don’t wait until 4:30 or 5:00 and risk sabotaging your guests’ appetites for dinner. Keeping the party shorter will definitely keep the kids sweeter—an hour and a half is party aplenty.

Set a smart table.
Storybook, TV, and movie character themes are very popular among three-year-olds, and paper party goods very popular among those who have to clean up after them. So take your toddler to the party store and stock up on her choice of paper cups, plates, and napkins. (For environmentally sound alternatives, see page 428.) But instead of buying a matching paper tablecloth—which will be rendered useless by the very first tipped cup of juice—use a colorful vinyl cloth that can stand up to the inevitable spills. Or cover your table with a roll of heavy-duty white butcher paper and provide a cupful of crayons at each place setting for doodling.