What Love Sounds Like (18 page)

Kade’s hand hovered a second more and then lowered. ‘Okay,’ he said gently. ‘I’ll be waiting for you whenever you’re ready.’

She nodded. She just needed a moment to marshall her courage and to quell her nerves.

Kade looked at her for what seemed like a lifetime before he stepped away. He then lengthened his reel of string and sent the kite soaring into the mid-morning sky.

Her heart fluttered like the black and white tail dancing in the wind. She could do this. She could take that final leap.

The kite climbed higher. And higher. The clear lines of the skull and crossbones disappeared. And higher.

Something inside Mia tore.

Higher.

Truth shattered her heart into infinite, tiny pieces.

Her love for Kade and for Tilly wasn’t ever going to be enough. Her dreams would always be out of reach, just like the kite that was now nothing more than a blur in the sky.

Even with Kade’s strong arms to catch her she couldn’t step off the precipice and couldn’t trust. Fear sat like a spectre on her shoulder. Forever there. Forever cruel and malignant.

What if she were nothing but a temporary distraction? Kade himself said he didn’t know what he was doing and that he didn’t usually go off-plan. What if she’d read too much into his words and their kiss? She’d just assumed that his request to trust him didn’t have a use-by date. She couldn’t face being abandoned again. She couldn’t again survive the unpredictability, the broken promises and the loss. And she wasn’t subjecting Tilly to the same anguish. She couldn’t risk being a part of Tilly’s life only for things to not work out between her and Kade. Tilly had already suffered enough.

Callie stirred. The pup yawned and jumped off her lap to pounce on a nearby cupcake. Mia came to her unsteady feet. She couldn’t stay at Berrilea where every wave from Tilly, every smile from Kade, would deepen the abyss where her heart used to lie. And she couldn’t keep providing Kade, or darling Tilly, with any false hope that one day Kade’s Play-Doh cat story might come true.

She had to leave. Now.

KADE’S KITE dropped to the ground. He barely noticed its fall, his attention on the now empty picnic rug.

Where was Mia? What had happened? He hadn’t imagined the jewel-brightness of her eyes as she’d gazed into his with a shy promise. Neither had he imagined his indescribable happiness. She was prepared to trust him, to step onto the bridge and to give their relationship a chance.

He’d only looked away from her for what could only have been minutes but it’d been long enough for his hope to crash to earth like his kite. He swung around to find Tilly. He’d been so close. He wasn’t losing Mia now.

‘Ready to head inside, sweetheart?’ he asked his niece. ‘Maybe you could help Mrs. Shepherd for a little while?’

Tilly looked at the rug and back at him. She ran over, passed him her kite string and picked up Callie who now chewed on the pirate hook. Hand in hand, he and Tilly crossed the lawn.

‘It will be okay,’ he said at the kitchen door. ‘I’ll think of another way to keep Mia here.’

She nodded, her lips quivering. ‘I will too, Uncle Kade.’

He hugged her, not trusting himself to speak. Tilly disappeared into the kitchen with the red-heeler pup and he headed for the stairs that led to Mia’s room. He stripped off his eye-patch and rubbed at his moustache. Instinct told him now would not be the time for fun and games. No matter if Mia had been the one to teach him their value. He pushed back his emotions and ignored their disorder. He couldn’t waste time by trying to control his feelings. Surely, they’d prove to be the least of his worries? His first priority was to not lose the woman he loved.

Movement sounded to his right in the music room. Even as he slowed, Mia stepped into the hallway, a toy-filled crate in hand, the bright pink colour a direct contrast to her pale face.

He stopped before her, panic making breathing almost impossible. The only place she could be heading with the crate was her car.

He said the first thing that came to mind. ‘Finally using the music room are you?’

‘No.’ She took a deep breath. ‘I’m leaving.’

‘Why?’ Never had one word been so difficult to say.

’I can’t take a risk and give us a chance.’ Gold failed to shimmer in her amber eyes. It was as if a light inside her had died. ‘I’m so sorry, I just can’t.’

‘Even a little?’

She shook her head. A pulse beat at the base of her throat. Suddenly she turned and headed into the music room. He followed.

‘Don’t do this.’

‘I have to.’ She placed the full pink tub on the ground and crossed the room to collect toys from the shelves. ‘I’ve left Tilly’s home programme on the kitchen bench,’ she said as she tossed toys into a nearby empty green tub. ‘You and Martha will have no problem working through the ‘g’ ladders with her. I’ve already made sure she knows how to make a clear ‘g’ sound.’

He strode over and stood between her and the crate. Tilly’s speech programme was the last thing he wanted to hear about right now.

Mia straightened, her hands full of more toys. She hugged them to her chest. ‘Kade. Please. Don’t make this any harder than it already is.’

He took a step toward her. ‘You once told me change takes time. And you were right. Learning to trust will just take time too.’

A plastic mouse squeaked a protest in her tight grip. ‘Time won’t make any difference.’

‘How do you know?’ As he spoke he closed the distance between them.

Mia was quicker, she ducked around him, shot the toys into the tub like they were balls through a hoop, and moved to the opposite side of the room to collect the final scattering of toys.

He ground his teeth and followed her. She was like an elusive fairy, flittering around the room. If he wasn’t careful she’d take flight. Somehow he had to find a way to keep her here in his and Tilly’s lives. He picked up the final crate, scooped up every toy between him and Mia and deposited them in the tub. He held the crate out toward her. She hesitated and then placed the last of the toys inside. He set the tub on the ground and then caught her empty hands.

‘Now can I have your undivided attention?’

‘Sure.’ Her eyes flashed but she didn’t pull her fingers free. The shaking of her hands transferred to his. He clenched his jaw to hold himself still.

‘Mia, I’m not like Jack. Not like your father. Things will be different.’

’How? And don’t just tell me things won’t be the same.’ Bitterness grated in her voice. ‘I stopped believing what I hear a long time ago.’

He let go of her left hand and touched her cold cheek. ‘This is where the trust part comes in. Just trust that the last thing I’d ever do is to hurt you.’

She pulled her hand from his hold and stepped away. ‘See. I have heard that before. And do you know what? I ended up being hurt.’

She picked up the green crate and held it to her as if it were a shield. ‘I’m not just doing this for me. I’m thinking of Tilly too. I won’t put her though any more pain. She’s already been through so much.’

‘Just have faith that we will work.’ Desperation deepened his tone. ‘That Tilly won’t ever lose you. One of the many things you’ve taught me is that anything is possible…’

‘Well, life has taught me that
not
everything is possible. And nothing you can say or do will convince me otherwise.’ Her eyes were so large they appeared to fill her face.

She was wrong. There was one thing he could say. A sacred, true thing. He could tell her he loved her.

He went to speak. And couldn’t. Uncertainty, self-doubt, fear wrapped fingers around his throat and pressed. He choked.

He’d banished and ignored his feelings for too long and now they extracted their vengeance. Raucous and rebellious, they rejected any attempt for order. He’d always maintained control of his life and himself to stay safe but never had the stakes been so sky-high or the consequences been so terrifying. Saying ‘I love you’ to Tilly and to his grandmother and brother had been difficult but possible. He knew they all loved him. To say ‘I love you’ to Mia, when there was no way to guarantee that she’d say the words in return, was…impossible.

His soul splintered.

It didn’t matter how many corporate opponents he’d faced, or how many cut-throat deals he’d secured. At the end of the day he was just a man. A man brought to his knees by his powerlessness and inability to grapple with his emotions. A man unable to tell the woman he loved what his heart told him with its every beat.

His hands fisted as Mia swung away and carried the green crate toward the door.

Helplessness pooled in his gut. Darkness, heavy and suffocating, closed in around him. No amount of emotional numbing would save him now. He’d failed Tilly. Failed himself. He couldn’t say the one thing that might keep Mia in their lives.

He had to let her go.

Without a word, and without looking at her, Kade took the crate from her numb grasp and strode from the music room. Shock weakened her knees. She’d won. He wasn’t going to stop her leaving. But relief failed to flow though her. Each beat of her heart seemed to take forever. The sound of Kade’s retreating footsteps tolled like death knells. He was walking out of more than just the room. He was walking out of her life.

Sorrow banked behind her eyelids. She’d never seen him look so desolate, so almost defeated. But she couldn’t lie or risk Tilly’s happiness. She couldn’t pretend a happily-ever-after was possible and that she could bring herself to trust, even a little.

She wasn’t aware that Tilly had joined her until her warm hand slipped into hers. Mia fought to keep her sadness hidden. There was only one thing as distressing as watching Kade walk out the front door, saying good-bye to the child beside her.

Still wearing her pirate eye-patch, Tilly waved a piece of paper under her nose. It took a long moment for Mia’s thoughts to focus and for her vision to clear.

‘What’s this? A treasure map?’ she managed.

‘No.’

Mia took the paper folded in half like a card. She prised it open and began to read.

Her world fell away.

It was a birthday card. A card written in Tilly’s large, childish hand-writing that would have broken her heart if it wasn’t already strewn across the floor.

‘When is your uncle’s b–birthday?’ she asked.

Tilly looked up at her with soft grey eyes. ‘Tomorrow.’

Tomorrow.

His quiet words from their late-night gelato tasting returned to haunt her.

I remember how old I was because it was the first and last time I ever had a birthday cake.

She glanced out the window where her car waited, ready for her to drive out through the gate. She had to leave. Every minute she remained at Berrilea increased the torment of not being part of the world of two people she loved more than life itself. She also needed to get going to avoid the kangaroos that would be out grazing beside the road at dusk.

She stared at the card.
Kade’s birthday.
The man who’d been robbed of a childhood and who’d changed his life for his niece. The kind and honourable man who she could do one last thing for.

She briefly closed her eyes. If she started now, she could make a cake with Tilly and still leave within the hour. Before her self-preservation could veto such a foolish plan, she took Tilly’s hand. ‘Let’s make a birthday cake. Right now.’

Even before Mia finished speaking, Tilly pulled her toward the door. Once inside the kitchen, Mia went on auto-pilot. She forced her feet to move, her hands to function. She dressed Tilly in her chef hat and apron and donned her own green and pink striped apron. Tilly helped her assemble all the cooking utensils and ingredients they’d need.

Every now and then Tilly’s constant chatter would cease and she’d peer at Mia’s face. On the outside Mia nodded, on the inside she wept. Part of her would always remain in the homely kitchen at Berrilea cooking with Tilly.

Butter and eggs were mixed, flours sifted and milk added. She stirred the cake batter until her arm ached, until she was sure her tears wouldn’t fall in front of the little girl.

‘Righto, let’s have a taste,’ she said in a voice that hardly qualified as normal.

‘Okay,’ Tilly said, dipping her pink spatula into the bowl. She licked the mixture. Instead of her usual smile, she frowned.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Tastes horrible.’

‘Let’s see.’ Mia scooped up a spoonful, tasted it and grimaced. ‘You’re right.’

She glanced at the clock on the wall. It felt like they’d been in the kitchen for an hour but it’d only been ten minutes. Of all mornings, this was one time she needed her cake-making to go like clockwork.

She again tasted the mixture coating the spoon. ‘It doesn’t taste very sweet. Did we put sugar in it?’

‘Don’t know.’

Mia looked at the bench but Tilly had been extra efficient and already put all the ingredients away. ‘I was sure I put the sugar packet on the bench. Not to worry. We can still add some sugar.’

’I’ll get it,’ Tilly said. Mia watched as Tilly vanished into the huge walk-in pantry. Tilly was a perceptive four-year-old but she hadn’t appeared to notice Mia’s misery. And it wasn’t because of her acting ability. She glanced at the bowl of cake mixture. She was also sure she’d brought the sugar from the pantry. The packet had been almost empty and she remembered checking that it’d contained enough for what they needed. She looked in the direction Tilly had headed before pouring lemonade and cream into another mixing bowl half filled with flour. What was taking Tilly so long?

Booted feet rung on the hallway floorboard and the kitchen door swung open. All questions about what Little Miss Tilly might be up to vanished. She slowly turned to face Kade.

He stood an arm’s length away. His eyes storm-dark and face a resolute mask. Her nerves went into a free-fall. She’d been premature in thinking that Kade had accepted her decision to leave.

She spoke first. ‘Why didn’t you tell me it was your birthday?’

He wedged his hands deep into his jean pockets. ‘What’s there to say? A birthday’s just another day.’

‘No, it isn’t.’ She fought to keep her voice even and coherent. ‘It’s a special day.’