What Looks Like Crazy (17 page)

I arrived at
my office the next morning to find Mona dressed to the nines and wearing her neck brace. “I have to see my chiropractor this morning for X-rays,” she said. “I was up half the night with a backache. I think it's from my neck injury.”

“But you don't really have a neck injury, Mona,” I reminded her.

“It's this brace. I think it did something to my alignment. Nancy is going to grab the phone while I'm out.”

I went inside my office and called Thad. “I still haven't heard from Harold Fry,” I said. “I've called his place, and I stopped by the McDonald's where he always eats breakfast. He wasn't there.”

“Tell me you're wearing a thong today,” Thad said, his voice almost pleading.

“Did you hear what I just said? Harold Fry is still MIA!”

“I don't care about Harold right now, okay? Could we talk about
me
for once?”

I rolled my eyes. “For once?” I repeated.

“I went to all-night bowling with Thomas on Saturday. We drank warm beer and sat next to women who don't shave their armpits. I'm pretty sure that's where Thomas met Lucille.”

Thad sounded depressed. “Maybe you're overdoing it,” I suggested. “All I said was that you should spend some time with him. You don't have to move in together.” Okay, so maybe I'd said a little more than that, I thought. But I'd been annoyed with Thad at the time for getting me involved in a family dispute. I had enough of that going on in my own family.

“We're supposed to see
Spider-Man 3
tonight. I need your help, Kate.”

“I'm not going to volunteer to go see
Spider-Man 3
in your place,” I said. “I haven't seen one and two yet.”

“I want you to convince Thomas to go back to Lucille.”

“What! You can't mean that. The woman is a sociopath.”

“She was just angry. I've had women threaten to do worse than that to me, trust me.”

“Threatening to do something and actually doing it are two different things, Thad.”

“A woman once threatened to cut off my you-know-what and stuff it down my throat,” Thad said.

“That was me,” I told him. “I said that when I caught you and your receptionist in your hot tub, naked.”

“That was
you
! Wow, how did that slip my memory?”

Obviously Thad had been threatened for cheating by more than one woman. “Remember? I changed my mind because I couldn't find a dull knife.”

Thad gave a heavy sigh. “I know I'm being driven by guilt to be with Thomas. I should have been a better brother to him.”

“Try not to get so down on yourself,” I said, having trouble believing I was saying those words to Thad Glazer. “At least this proves you have a conscience. Besides, your brother is a big boy, and he has a business to run. He'll understand if you're busy.”

“I could tell Thomas you and I had dinner plans, and I forgot. That way I wouldn't have to hurt his feelings, and you and I could—”

“Sorry, but I can't have dinner with you.” I saw movement in the doorway and was stunned to find Thomas, the subject of our conversation, standing there.

“I know all your favorite restaurants,” Thad reminded me from the other end of the line.

“Um, someone just walked in my office. I have to go. In the meantime, you might try to figure out where Harold Fry is.” I hung up the phone. “Thomas, what a surprise!” I said.

“I just need a minute of your time.”

“Come in.”

He stepped inside. “It's about Thad. I know he's concerned about me after I split up with Lucille, but he's driving me crazy. He thinks he has to spend every minute with me. I need some time to myself, you know. I'm sort of trying to pursue a new relationship.”

As I listened, I realized that human beings were incapable of living simple, uncomplicated lives and relationships were rife with misunderstandings. It was so much easier hanging out with a wiry-haired dog whose only hang-up was that she sometimes licked her butt. I suddenly understood why Thomas's best friend had been a hog.

 

“Oops, I forgot
to tell you. Alice Smithers called earlier,” Mona said shortly after she returned from the chiropractor. I lay on my sofa with my eyes closed. “She wanted to see if you could work her in. You had a cancellation at two o'clock, so I put her down. Why are you lying down? Are you not feeling well? I knew you should have taken more time to heal before returning to work.”

“I'm meditating,” I said.

“Then it won't bother you if I sit in here and talk, right?” She took the chair beside the sofa.

“The object of meditation is to be silent,” I told her.

“Oh, okay.”

I took a deep calming breath.

“For how long?” Mona asked after a few minutes.

“However long it takes.”

“Oh, okay.”

A minute passed. Mona sighed.

“Is there something you wanted to discuss with me?” I asked.

“I wasn't going to tell you, but I'm afraid
not
to tell you. If I tell you, it's just going to stress you out, and probably nothing will come of it—”

I opened my eyes. “Mona?”

“But then if something bad happened, I would never forgive myself.”

“Would you just
tell
me, for Pete's sake!”

“That guy called,” she said. “The weird one,” she added.

I just looked at her. “I know this sounds sad, but you're going to have to be more specific.”

“The guy that accused you of being a troublemaker,” she said.

“Just what I need.”

“He got mad at me because I wouldn't pass him through to you. I told him you were in a session.”

“What did he want?”

“He said he was giving you one more chance, but if you didn't stop making trouble, you were going to pay.”

I felt the back of my neck prickle. “Did he have a speech impediment? A lisp?”

“Yes. I told him I was going to have his call traced and report him to the police, but he laughed at me and hung up. He was probably calling from a pay phone.” She paused. “Do you think we should contact the police?”

“And tell them what?” I asked. “We don't know who the caller is.”

“Of course we do. It's some nut from Bitsy's church,” she said. “Maybe if the police went over and questioned people, it would scare him and he'd stop.”

“I'll call Bitsy later and threaten to file a police report if she doesn't stop harassing me,” I said. “For what it's worth,” I added. I had a feeling I wasn't going to get any peace until the statue was gone.

 

I was surprised
and delighted to find Alice Smithers wearing a fashionable outfit when she arrived. She'd even used blush. I could tell Mona was impressed. Unfortunately Alice didn't look happy. In fact, she looked mad as hell.

“Look at this!” she said, yanking a slip of paper from her purse. “It's my Visa bill.”

I saw several charges for gasoline, one for books from a Barnes & Noble, and another for shoes. “Four hundred and fifty dollars for a pair of Prada high heels? Wow!” I said.

“Wow is right!” Alice said. “Liz stole my credit card. Are you believing that?”

“Actually, I'm stunned. Where on earth can you buy Prada heels for four hundred and fifty dollars?” I made a note of the store.

“Naturally, my card is still missing,” Alice said.

“Did you report it?”

“Right away,” she said. “I reported it to the police as well. And guess what else? Liz hasn't returned for her things. They were still sitting outside my door when I left for work this morning.”

I was as surprised by Alice's anger as I was by her attire. “Good for you,” I said, “for taking immediate action.”

“I'm tired of people walking all over me, Kate. I can't believe I allowed my boss and his wife to treat me like they did. I told them I was going to an attorney.”

“Really? What did they say?”

“They said I was making a serious mistake. They gave me this crap about how they have tried to be fair with me
under the circumstances
, whatever
that
means, but I didn't fall for one word of it. They're vultures, just like Liz and Roy.” She leaned closer. “Of course, I can't really afford a lawyer, but they don't know that. I figured it would keep them off my butt until I find the job I deserve.”

I felt like applauding the change in Alice's attitude. Gone was the doormat of a woman who had come to me previously. Even her posture had changed: shoulders thrown back, chin hitched high. “I'm so proud of you, Alice,” I said, and meant it. “I know anger feels uncomfortable, but sometimes you have to allow yourself to experience it.”

“I've been angry for a very long time,” she said. “Maybe all my life. I feel like it has been sitting just under the surface waiting to come out. Like a ticking time bomb,” she added. “Oh, boy, I have to go,” she said, checking her wristwatch.

“But you just got here.”

“Yes, but I've been dealing with the police, and I need to get back to the office,” she said. “Besides, I'm done.”

“I don't think you are.”

“What makes you say that?”

“There's a reason you've had problems standing up for yourself most of your life, Alice. A reason you haven't been able to set boundaries with people. It didn't happen overnight.”

“I don't know why people like you try to make your patients feel bad about themselves,” she blurted.

I was surprised by her words and tone. “That's not what I'm trying to do.”

“You want to know why I have so many problems with relationships, and you're determined to dig and dig, and you don't care how much it hurts. Well, let me give you the short version. My mother is a big fat drunk who was never there for me. Is that what you want to hear, Kate?”

“I just want to help,” I said, realizing I had just pushed past Alice's No Trespassing sign.

“She's in her late sixties now, and can't understand why I don't visit. If you want to find out what makes people do the things they do, call
her
.”

I followed Alice into the reception area. She dropped a wad of cash onto Mona's desk and left without a word. “Looks like you botched that one,” Mona said under her breath.

I ignored her and turned to where Arnie Decker, the ex-Marine, was waiting. He wore sandals, and his toenails were painted.

“I didn't realize we had an appointment today, Mr. Decker,” I said.

“Oh, I'm not here for therapy,” he said. “Nancy is giving me a manicure today.”

 

I had just
finished up with a patient and was going through my appointment book when Mona tapped on the door, stepped inside, and closed it behind her. She'd worn the neck brace all day and it was getting on my nerves, but, then, I was just having a bad day.

“Your aunt Lou is here to see you,” she said. “And she's wearing one hundred percent polyester.”

“Did she say what she wanted?” I asked.

“Nope.”

I gave a monumental sigh and followed Mona into the reception room with a large fake smile plastered to my face. “Aunt Lou, what a surprise,” I said.

“I need to talk to you, Kate,” she said. Her smoker's voice made her sound as though her larynx had been raked over gravel. “It's personal.” She looked at Mona. “No offense.”

Mona smiled. “No problem.”

“Sure, Aunt Lou.” I motioned her inside my office and closed the door. I wondered whether Lucien had done something. He was always getting into some kind of trouble. Uncle Bump had called me for advice on more than one occasion. “Have a seat,” I said.

She sat on my sofa. “This is very embarrassing. I hate going to doctors. I can't remember the last time I did.”

She wore no makeup and her face was leathery, but Aunt Lou did not strike me as a woman who would care about face moisturizer. “What is it?” I asked.

“I'm miserable. I've got this damn itch inside my vagina.”

“I'm sorry to hear that.” Mostly I was sorry that I was forced to think about Aunt Lou's vagina.

“I'm sure it's a blasted yeast infection, but I've tried everything and I can't get rid of it. I've even tried yogurt.”