What Happens Now (25 page)

“Do you regret letting us steal you?” he asked as he opened my door for me.

“Never,” I said.

But it wasn’t until I was driving away from the lake that I realized I’d actually meant it.

17

“Why are we
going to Millie’s?” asked Dani from the backseat, twirling a pink-and-yellow lanyard she’d made that day.

“Don’t you want to see Daddy? He’ll let you pick out some stickers.”

We rarely brought Dani to the store. All she wanted was to take stuff home. But I needed to get the paint set back on the shelf before closing time.

“Hey!” said Richard when we walked in. “What a surprise!”

He came around the counter and scooped up Dani. I looked at the pile of receipts and noticed there were more than usual. It must have gotten busy after I left.

“She wanted to come see you,” I said.

“No, I didn’t,” said Dani.

“Well, it seemed like she did. And I think I left my book here.”

Richard nodded, more preoccupied with the lanyard Dani was shoving in his face.

“I made it all by myself!” she said. “With my counselor! And a C.I.T.! It’s for Mommy on her first day of work.”

“She’ll love it,” said Richard. “Want some stickers? I got new ones.”

He put her down in front of the sticker rolls and put his head close to hers, showing her the options.

I took this moment to step into the paint aisle and dig the set out of my bag, stick it back into the empty space on the shelf like it was the final piece of a puzzle. I wished I wasn’t so good at arranging the displays. Richard would have noticed it was missing when he was doing his end-of-the-day rounds.

I took a deep breath and turned away from the paints. Dani was watching me over her shoulder as Richard was putting some sticker sheets into a paper bag for her.

Here I was, right back on the track of the day. Back in the store, tasked with a few hours to keep Dani entertained. It was easy to feel like the hours at the lake, the messy intensity of it, had all been a dream I’d come up with while stuck at the counter, waiting for the front door to ding open.

Mom had said she’d be home at six thirty but it was past seven with no sign of her. Richard and I sat at the table, watching
our tortellini get cold. Dani had already eaten and retreated to her room.

“This isn’t going to work,” I said. He knew I meant trying to eat together as a family.

“Traffic,” was all he could respond, then took a forkful of pasta. “It’s ridiculous for us to wait. I’m digging in.”

“Maybe from now on Dani and I should eat together, then you can wait and eat with Mom.”

Richard raised his eyebrows. “
I
can eat with Mom?”

“Why, don’t you want to eat dinner with your wife?”

He speared another tortellini, not meeting my glance. “Of course I do. I don’t know what I meant by that.”

I started eating, too. After a minute or two of silence, I finally paused and said, “Thanks for today.”

Richard smiled. “I’d say
anytime
, but I can’t, really.”

“I know.”

“I’m glad you had fun.”

I hadn’t said I’d had fun. But why wouldn’t he assume that? Who wouldn’t have fun on a perfect summer day with a boy she’s just realized she’s in love with? That would be me.

“I know the store got busy,” I said. “I hope you were okay.”

He shrugged. “It’s good that it got busy.”

We finished our pasta and I stood up, took Richard’s bowl to the sink for him.

“Let me know when it’s time to kiss Dani good night,” I said, then went to my room. That was when I heard Mom’s car drive up. I shut the door and put on earphones so I could listen
to music instead of what happened next.

Later, there was a knock, and Mom poked her head in.

“Hi,” she said.

I took the earphones out. “How was your first day?”

She came all the way into the room and leaned against my doorframe.

“Hard. But good. Really good. I’m going to like it there.”

“Are you mad about dinner?”

She sighed. “No. I just didn’t expect that particular plan to fall apart so quickly.”

“Did you still get a chance to read to Dani?”

Mom nodded. “She wants you to go in and kiss her good night.”

I started to get up, but then Mom held up her hand. “Wait a minute. Richard’s in there with her now, and I need to talk to you about something.”

She closed the door, and I burned with a feeling of betrayal. Richard had told her. Richard had told her!

“What is it?” I asked casually, all my defense mechanisms kicking into gear.

“Dani says she saw you take something from your bag and put it on a shelf at the store.”

I froze. Dani? It was unlike Dani to be confused by something and not instantly ask me about it. Maybe it hadn’t struck her as strange until after the fact.

I forced a laugh. “Oh. Yeah.” I waved my hand and rolled my eyes.

“What’s the story there?”

I was about to make something up, like I was going to buy it for myself but changed my mind, but then remembered something my teacher told us in journalism class.
All facts are friendly.
Eliza had told me a story, and I would stick to that story.

“This girl Eliza stopped by the store today. She’s a friend of Camden’s. And mine, too, now. She’s Atticus Marr in the cosplay photos . . . Anyway, she told me she took this paint set off the shelf to buy, but then forgot to pay for it. So she gave it to me to put back until she can come in again.”

So okay, all facts may be friendly, but sometimes they sound too stupid to believe.

Mom put her thumb and forefinger on either side of her nose and squeezed. “Ari, I’ve had a long, stressful day and three hours in the car. Tell me your new friends are not stealing from the store.”

“They’re not stealing from the store.”

“But they tried.”

I burst into tears. It all came now, how angry I was at Eliza, how betrayed I felt. How Richard had given me this gift of a day and this was the thanks he got. “Just one. One of them tried.”

“This is the girl who’s arranging the trip to the convention? That MegaCon?”

“SuperCon. Yes, but . . .”

“You can see why I’m not comfortable with you going.”

I stood up. “You’re going to punish me for something
she
did?”

Mom looked stricken for a moment, then shook her head. “I’m not punishing you. But you want me to let you go on a road trip out of state to some convention with people like this?”

“Not people. Person! One person! Not Camden, not his friends Max or James. Kendall will be there. And Eliza may have her issues but she’s responsible. You’ve never even met her. Why don’t you meet her first?”

My mother sighed. “I would like to meet her. But this is all a moot point. The thing is, Ari, I found out that I have a required training session at work that Saturday. We need you to be with Danielle.”

It was as if this information was something she’d thrown into the air between us and lit on fire. We stood there for a speechless few seconds, watching it burn.

“You
just
found this out.”

“Well, I found out on Friday. But I hadn’t been able to bring myself to tell you yet. I knew how much you were looking forward to the convention.”

“It’s more than a ‘looking forward to’ thing, Mom. They’re depending on me for the group cosplay. . . .”

“Sweetie,” she said in a decidedly unsweetened tone. It was a tone that welcomed no more comments. “We’ll talk about this tomorrow, okay? I need to eat and your sister is waiting for you.”

She turned to leave, then stopped halfway out the door, turned back around.

“You had Dani with you when you put the paint set back. Exactly when did this girl give it to you?”

For the record, I didn’t want to lie. I’d gotten this far without it. But when you’re in a corner, you’re in a corner.

“She knew I picked up Dani at camp,” I said after a second, “so she found me there to give it back.”

Mom looked at me for a long time, then slowly closed her eyes. She took a deep breath.

“God, I’m tired.”

And then she left the room.

At first I thought Dani was asleep when I stepped through her doorway, and I thought,
lucky break
. But I must have put my weight on the One Creaky Floorboard and her eyes fluttered opened.

“Ari?” she asked.

“It’s me.” I sat on her bed. “Did you give Mom the lanyard?”

Her mouth curved down. “No. I left it at the store.”

I got it, then. Without this offering to the mother she hadn’t seen in twenty-four hours, something that would capture her attention and get a reaction, Dani had reached for a replacement. Perhaps that’s why she’d held on to what she saw me do at the store, knowing instinctively that it might have value. I’d done the same when I was her age. A hundred times over. A thousand.

But I’d never done it at the expense of someone else I loved. At least, I didn’t think so.

“Will you sing me a song?” she asked, her voice high and squeaky in the semidarkness.

“I thought you only wanted a kiss good night.”

“A kiss
and
a song. Two songs.”

She’d had Mom read to her, and Richard come in to chuck her on the chin and tell her she was beautiful. Why couldn’t these things give her what she needed? Why was it always my closing act that finally filled up her void to the brim?

“Not tonight,” I said, leaning down to kiss her on the curved part of her nose, the part that felt like it was on a doll’s face. “My throat hurts.”

I’ll admit it. It felt good to deny her, to withhold what she took for granted.

“But Ari . . .”

“I said no.” More firmly now. I’d committed. I couldn’t waffle.

“But . . .”

“No.”

Suddenly, it was her perfect little mouth expecting, her eyes wanting, her hands grabbing, that embodied everything I resented about my family.

Yes, the normal rules of give-and-take back-and-forth don’t apply to a seven-year-old child. Yes, she didn’t understand how it wasn’t simply a song but so much she had no control over. I knew that intellectually. But this one time, because she was
here in front of me and because I could, I needed to spread out my empty palms and say,
Sorry, kid, I’m all out.

It was what filled
my
void right then.

“Good night,” I said. “See you in the morning.”

Then I walked out before she could say anything back.

“Shit,” said Camden on the phone when I told him.

I was in bed with the covers over my head. Here, I could make the world consist only of me and the voice of a boy I loved.

“This is what my life is like.” I tried to keep from sounding completely beaten down. I didn’t want his sympathy; I just wanted someone to bear witness. “I mean, really. Am I their daughter or their au pair?”

“Don’t blame your sister. She’s a little kid.”

“That’s precisely
why
it’s easier to blame her.”

“Maybe you can find her a babysitter for the day.”

“Who would I call? We’ve never needed a babysitter because, you know,
me
.”

“We’ll figure something out,” he said confidently. “You
are
going to the SuperCon. You are.”

We were quiet for a moment. I heard him breathe, then crunch on something.

“What are you eating?”

“White cheddar cheese crackers.”

“Great. As if it wasn’t already hard enough, that I’m not there with you.”

He laughed, then there was more silence as Camden crunched. This seemed absurdly sexy. I pictured him at his kitchen counter, so sure everything was going to be fine, able to eat cheese crackers or drink wine or do whatever the hell he wanted without needing it to be preauthorized.

“You’re lucky you don’t have family bullshit to deal with,” I said with a sigh.

The crunching stopped. After a pause, Camden said earnestly, “You’re lucky you have a family to have bullshit with.”

I felt my ears turn red, glad he was not there to see it. I swallowed hard. “Point taken.”

“Sorry. My mom called a little while ago. It was a weird one. She’s feeling lonely.”

“What did she say?”

“She said, ‘I’m feeling lonely.’ She also said, ‘Come stay with me for the rest of the summer.’”

I wasn’t moving, but I froze anyway.

“What did
you
say?”

“I said no.” He paused, and I heard him take a shuddering breath. “I guess there’s a first time for everything. But I don’t want to quit the hotline; they need me. I have responsibilities and plans. And you. She understood. Or at least, she did a good job of faking it.”

There was victory in his tone, like he’d struggled and won.

“Who’s there with you tonight?” I asked.

“Just Jamie. Eliza’s mad at me for not believing her about the paints, and Max didn’t want to get in the middle.”

I didn’t want to talk about Eliza. Hearing her name made all the Bad Things about the day come creeping into my little bed fort. By way of diversion I said, “You know, Kendall’s crushing hard on Jamie. She has no idea if the feeling is mutual.”

Camden started crunching again. “Jamie’s a hard one to read. He got his heart stomped on pretty hard last year. Do you want me to do some reconnaissance?”

“Sure,” I said. “No, wait. Don’t.” Then I thought of Kendall’s slumping shoulders at the beach, the way she’d said
You’ve got your king
. “Then again, yes. If you could casually mention something . . .”

“Done,” said Camden. “Kendall’s great. He shouldn’t leave her confused.”

“Thanks.” I didn’t want to hang up. It was snug and perfect under the covers, and Camden’s voice against my ear felt so very much mine. “What part of
Time Enough
did you get up to today?”

“Bram and Azor just got cast as extras in a gangster movie.”

“Oh, that’s a great scene. Will you read it to me?”

I could almost hear him smile on his end of the phone.

“Our phone calls keep getting weirder,” he said.

“Not weirder,” I said. “
Better
.”