What Goes Around... (38 page)

‘Have you told her how you feel
, Luke?’

‘I
’ve told you,’ he says. ‘I tried to kiss her.’

Men!

‘Go to the cemetery,’ I tell him, because I think Luke feels he needs his permission on this. ‘You need to speak to him.’

He shakes his head.

‘You do.’

‘I have to go back to the office.’

‘I’ll meet you there,’ I tell him. ‘I’m going about one.’ He gives me a kiss on the cheek and says that he’ll think about it.

I’ve a feeling I’m meddling.

But I sit there in my living room and, despite all that’s gone before, despite evidence to the contrary - I don’t just believe what Luke told me.

I’m starting to believe in Lucy.



I'm incredibly nervous walking in.

I look around the pub but I don't have to look for long. She's sitting at the seat where I used to sit with him and I know then he must've brought her here to.

I'm not quite ready to go over. I give her a nod. I can se
e that she's got a drink and I walk over to the bar and I go to order a glass of wine but I order a soda water – I think I might need it.

‘Thanks for coming.’ She gives me a nervous smile. ‘I didn’t think you’d actually come or if you did…’

‘I don't want to row.’

‘You look well,’ she says and I do.

I feel well.

I'm wearing my red dress that looks like a sarong but with flat silver sandals this time.

Maybe people think I should be wearing black.

I don’t feel black though.

It’s spring.

‘How are you?’ I ask and I watch her crumple.

‘I'm sorry,’ she says. ‘I'm so, so sorry.’

I can feel her grief and her shame and I recognise it.

‘I tried to ring you so many times but I keep hanging up the phone.’

I get up and walk around the table and I slip in the booth beside her and I put my arms around young shoulders and I feel as if I'm holding me. She tells me how much she loved him, how special he had made her feel, how she’d always been awkward and shy
, how, in fact, she’d been a virgin. 

I hold her as she sobs it out - to me, and she
can
sob it out to me because of all the work I’ve done on myself.

‘You should write it all down,’ I tell her. ‘Keep a journal - I know it sounds mad, but it actually helps…’

‘Oh I do,’ she says. ‘It's the only thing that’s kept me sane. Not that you'd think that if you read it.’

‘You should see mine,’ I say.

And then I tell her something a woman once told me.

About nuclear reactors and that toxic shame and loathing we all hold inside and I tell her to keep pouring cool water
, to simply dilute it. I know that she gets it and that she’ll be writing about it tonight.

‘You’re going to be okay,’ I tell her.

I have to go, I really do, because I'm picking up Charlotte at the end of her lunch break and I promised I’d bring the puppy to show her dad, so I have to go home and get him.

We walk out of the pub together and I feel the warm breeze as I farewell her. Somehow I know it's not quite goodbye
- that next year this is where we will be.

I know I'm looked after.

I know this year I've been looked after.

I don't know how or why.

Sometimes I feel that there's this big master plan we’re not privy too, that there’s a connection we simply can't see and I’m not talking about Facebook!

I don’t know if it’s God, I don’t know what to call it.

I just feel that there’s something more.

‘
How was school?’

‘Great!’ Charlotte says scooping up the puppy. ‘I've been invited to a party!’ Then she stops.

‘Tell me.’

‘Later,’ she says, because sometimes you feel guilty being happy.

Charlotte is happy.

She loves her new school and she’s making good friends and we’re a happy little family now.

She’s fully back to me now and my mum was right – it’s even better.

We stop and buy flowers and then we pile back into the car. I park it in the cemetery and I sit for a moment before I head out there and then my phone bleeps and I read a text from Jess.

Love you, thinking of you today.

I’m not quite ready yet but maybe in summer the three of you can come over. I’m not losing my best friend and neither are you, always know that xxx

I smile as I read it, because despite what went on, even if it’s been a bit awkward between us since we went to Wales, she is my best friend, and yes, Charlotte, the puppy and I will head there in summer.

I walk past the baby bit as fast as I can because I really don’t want Charlotte to see them, but she does. You can’t avoid it, it’s right next to the car park bit. I just want to rush her through but I know I’ll have a million tears and questions tonight.

I see that Gloria and Daisy are there and I’m glad because it makes things easier for Charlotte. She gives a little squeal of delight and I figure that Gloria must have timed it, because I remember Charlotte saying to Alice on Skype that she was being picked up from school at lunchtime.

I thought she should go in for half a day.

Not just because she needs her routines but because I wanted some time to myself too.

Because, I do miss you.

I look at the stone and his name and I can honestly say it.

I miss you and I did love you and I do think you loved me.

I am quite sure that you loved Gloria too.

I don’t understand it.

Often I question it.

But most of the time I just accept it.

There are different sorts of love.

Your death means ours can last.

Charlotte starts crying and I stand there beside her and I can’t stop her pain and I can’t erase her loss, I can just be there.

Then, when she’s calming down, Gloria makes a fuss of the puppy and asks its name.

‘Holly.’

I see Gloria frown as he cocks his leg on a long blade of grass.

He piddles every ten seconds, I swear.

‘Mum didn’t like the boy Christmas names,’ Charlotte explains. It takes Gloria a minute to compute a
nd then she goes a bit red, but I think there’s a tiny smile as she catches my eye and then she suggests that the girls play on the grass. ‘Show her her namesake,’ Gloria says as she hands over Daisy. ‘Make a daisy chain.’

We stand there in silence for a minute and it’s Gloria who breaks it.

‘Well, one thing I’ll say for him - he did what I asked.’ Gloria says. ‘He looked after his girls.’

He didn’t just look after his daughters.

Gloria must have been one of his girls too.

She looks a
mazing
and is that a diamond sparkling on her finger?

I don’t know if it’s my place to say anything
, if I ought to congratulate her?

‘So, you’re planning a wedding?’ I can be so diplomatic!

‘Two!’ Gloria says.

I look, not at the stone in the ground, but the stone on her finger and I tell her that I wish her well.

I mean it.

Then we stand there and I turn
and there are the girls making daisy chains. I watch Charlotte split the stem and link another one in. I know we’re all connected and sometimes it comforts but right now I just don’t like it. I get that horrible shiver down my arms.

It’s spooky.

‘I’ll have nightmares tonight.’ Gloria breaks into my dark thoughts. ‘Honestly, after I’ve been here I have terrible ones – I see things coming out of the ground.’

‘Like Buffy,’ I say and she smiles.

‘I’ll leave you then,’ she says. ‘Let you have some time with him.’

I’m about to say thanks but Charlotte comes over and hands a daisy chain to me and she’s stressed and teary. ‘Can we go?’

‘Sure,’ I say and we walk off with Gloria and Daisy.

I can feel the sun on my shoulders and I am leaving him behind.

I wonder if he can see us.

I wonder if he’s proud that both of
us are holding Charlotte’s hands.

And, if he is proud, then I want to make him even prouder.

‘I was wondering,’ I say it ever so casually. ‘If you wanted to come and have a coffee sometime, at the cottage…’

There’s a bit of a pause.

‘I’d like that,’ Gloria says. ‘Let me know when it’s the school holidays and I’ll bring Daisy for a play.’

‘I meant,’ I don’t know if I should say
it. ‘I meant, just us.’

I shouldn’t have spoiled things; I shouldn’t have said anything, because she doesn’t answer me. In fairness that’s because Daisy has gone crazy, she’s bouncing around in Gloria’s arms and for the first time I hear Gloria a little bit stern.

‘Daisy!’ She warns and then looks at me. ‘I think I must have put sugar on her cornflakes this morning, she’s crazy today.’ She carries on walking and then she says it. ‘I’d like that.’

I keep on walking too.
‘So would I.’

We hit the car park in silence and it’s Gloria who ends it. ‘Actually,’ Gloria says, ‘I hope you don’t think I’m being insensitive, I don’t know if you’ve got plans…’ I frown and look over to her. ‘It’s Daisy’s birthday so we’re having a little ice cream cake tonight. I wonder
ed if I could bring along Charlotte.’

I don’t have a sudden compulsion to dive in a freezer at Tesco’s and come up with a Cornetto in my mouth, I’m just thrilled for the smile on Charlotte’s face and then I remember… I mean, how could I forget – It’s Daisy’s birthday!

‘I forgot!’ I’m so, so embarrassed. ‘God, Gloria, I’m sorry. I just completely forgot that it’s her birthday,’

But of course it is!

I’ll never forget that day and yet, I forgot her birthday.

‘I’ll go to the shops at the weekend.’

Gloria waves away my apologies. ‘It’s a strange old day,’ she tells me. ‘Eleanor’s really struggling, she wants to keep the two days apart, she’s coming to the cemetery at the weekend, she just wants to keep today for Daisy.’

I get that.

‘Have some time with him,’ Gloria nods in the direction of his grave. ‘I’ll get these girls back to mine and we’ll have a little party.’

‘Thanks.’ I really appreciate it - it will be nice to have some time on my own, but first I kiss Charlotte goodbye and tell her I’ll pick her up about seven and then I hear a car behind me. I turn around and it’s Luke and I try not to blush as he comes out and walks over but I can feel Gloria’s eyes on me. I sort of know that she knows that I like him.

How could a woman not though?

How could I ever have thought him boring?

‘Hi Gloria,’ he kisses her on the cheek and then he turns to me and I don’t get a kiss, I get a nod and a jiggle of keys. ‘Lucy.’

I give him a nod back.  ‘Luke.’

‘Well,’ he says and he makes us both smile. ‘Is it just me, or is this awkward?’

‘Just you, Luke.’ Gloria grins.

He says goodbye and walks off towards his grave and I give Charlotte another kiss.

‘Say goodbye to Luke from me,’ Gloria says.

‘Luke?’

‘I thought you were going back to the grave?’

‘Oh, yes…’ I nod. ‘I’ll just wait till he’s done.’

No I won’t, I’m thinking. The second she’s gone I’m legging it to my car.

She turns to go and then I see her look over to his grave and so do I. I see Luke’s shoulders heaving because he loved him too and then Gloria speaks. ‘I’m happy to have Charlotte stay the night.’

‘It’s a school night,’ I say.

‘I can wash out her uniform and take her to school tomorrow, it really is no problem.’

A night to myself is usually too good to pass up but I’m not sure I want to be alone on tonight, of all nights but Charlotte is all excited and so I nod.

‘Thanks, Gloria.’

I get her school bag from the car and I say goodnight now to Charlotte and I say thank you to Gloria and then I go to kis
s Daisy because, well, it’s impossible to not.

I feel her hair beneath my fingers and I see her lovely smile. ‘She’s so gorgeous. Happy Birthday, Daisy.’ I say.

I look into her green eyes and she looks right into mine, I see the hazel fleck and her eyes smile at me and for a second I recoil.

I’m startled.

But then I look again and I am lost in her eyes. Daisy is the third person in the world whose eyes I can look into and there’s something there, something I recognise, someone else I see smiling back at me and telling me I will be okay.