We Awaken (8 page)

“I’m so sorry,” I gasped out, “for everything. For the pills. My words.”

“I figured you would be.”

“I just really hate being alone. I was so upset, and I’m really confused right now.”

My tears fell like the tides, and there was no stopping them as my eyes blurred. Ashlinn finally softened and pulled me into a hug so I could rest my chin on her shoulder and thoroughly soak the bathrobe.

“I hate being alone too,” she told me, “but I can’t let you hurt yourself. Not for me. It just isn’t worth it. Look, I promise to try and help you work out the asexuality, because it really isn’t bad, if you promise to take care of yourself.”

I nodded as best I could in my position and choked out a “Yes, of course.” I was wary, but now she wouldn’t leave immediately. I had an idea and figured it was time to grow some courage and voice it.

“Will you stay for a while? My mother is away for three days, and even when she does come back, I’m sure we’ll be able to figure something out.”

She seemed to mull this over, but her arms anchored me in place the whole time so I didn’t become anxious.

“I’ll stay for a bit. Someone’s got to find a way to get you to that audition, anyway.”

Elation is a troublesome thing. Impossible to describe but always explosive when felt. Of course I didn’t actually believe what she said about the auditions. It was an impossibility, but instead of being saddened at her bringing it up, I just held her tighter. We stood there in each other’s arms against the bathroom wall for a time, and soon the moonbeams would be replaced with morning sun.

“Come on,” I told her, finally stepping back, “let me make you some tea. We can talk downstairs.” I led her to the first floor, her hand in mine, the drugs abandoned forever on the floor.

NOT WANTING
to lie in bed endlessly in the middle of the night had made me adept at the brewing of loose teas. For the past several months, I crept downstairs when the nightmares got too bad and distracted myself with warm beverages. Therefore, my actions were habitual and I didn’t need to pay attention to my hands when making it for Ashlinn. The scent of vanilla wafted from the tin of tea leaves and permeated the air, adding another layer of calm to the situation, and I almost started wondering if I were dreaming again.

Looking across the kitchen at Ashlinn obliterated that thought, though. It was the first time I’d ever seen her in somewhat adequate lighting, and I couldn’t stop staring, which was a good alternative to watching the tea. Her hair was barely darker than her skin, and its shortness just made her face’s pointed structure even more apparent. Sharp angles dictated her whole bone structure, with prominent collarbones and knees.

She is a real girl breathing air in my kitchen with her bare feet on my tile floor and her arms in my robe’s sleeve
s
.

The kettle began whistling weakly, and before the sound could become piercing, I removed it from the heat and poured the water into a ceramic pot with the tea leaves inside. I then carried it out into the dining room and yelled behind me that she should grab some spoons and cups. Judging by the opening and shutting of cabinets, she figured out where everything was.

I poured the tea without looking at her, then stirred in one spoonful of sugar each. After closing my eyes for a few seconds to smell the tea and regroup, I looked up and asked, “Why did you never tell me this was a possibility?”

She just shrugged as she grabbed her china cup.

“Didn’t want to get either of our hopes up, I suppose. I’m sure I would have told you eventually. It’s not like I expected to take human form today.”

“So you are human? You sleep and have lungs and everything?”

“This body is built in the same fashion as yours. I’m assuming it will tire.” She paused to take a sip. “I don’t recall ever having slept before, so that will be different. Speaking of things I’ve never done, this tea is remarkable.”

It was actually too strong, as usual, but I grinned into my cup.

“You’ve never had tea before?”

“Well, I’ve never eaten or drunk anything real. Never had the need to. There are many things I’ve never felt the need to do, actually.”

She was staring at me pointedly, not even trying to disguise what she was talking about.

“Right,” I sighed, “I’ll say it. I don’t get this whole asexuality thing, and I’m absolutely petrified because a lot of what I’ve found out about it seems to apply to me.”

“Like?” she asked when it became obvious I wouldn’t continue talking without coercion.

“Cuddling without sex. Intimacy without, ya know, orgasms. That all sounds really great. I mean, I’ve never looked at someone and thought ‘Wow that’s a person I want to do the deed with’ like everyone else seems to. I’d fake it in front of Ellie and all that and just assume I’d grow to like it one day, or that I was just a freak. And now apparently it’s actually a sexuality. But….” I trailed off as Ashlinn nodded for me to continue. “Everyone else goes on about how great all that is, the kissing and the humping and all that jazz. How do I know I’m not missing out? That maybe I actually would like it? It’s gotta be pretty great for so much of everyone’s lives to revolve around the pursuit of sex.”

“That’s something you’re going to have to find out yourself. You can still do those things and be asexual. It’s the lack of sexual attraction, not celibacy. I’m actually fond of kissing as long as the other person’s tongue doesn’t find its way into my mouth. It feels nice.”

I tried not to be jealous, but there was a spark of resentment over who she had been locking lips with in the past, even if I had no reason.

“Why did you kiss these people if you weren’t sexually attracted to them?”

She winked at me. “Curiosity. And also because being a maker of good dreams has caused me to create my fair share of sex scenes. Honestly, though, I see it as more romantic than anything.”

I screwed up my courage and looked her in the eyes.

“Would you kiss me?”

She refused to lose my gaze and didn’t even pause, but set her teacup down on the table. “Depends why you want me to.”

I could have said it was because she was the most marvelous person I had ever met and I wanted to share this with her, that I didn’t think this was what I wanted, but she was someone I felt safe figuring that out with.

Instead I just said, “Curiosity.” I felt like an idiot, and an uncomfortable one at that.

Still, she got out of her chair and walked over to where I sat. She cupped my face in her hands and looked into my eyes, assessing and, seemingly content with what she found there, knelt down and tilted my face toward her. Then we kissed.

The second her lips met mine a million dreams began to flicker before my still-open eyes. Futures I wanted us to have swirled through my brain as we stayed locked together. It was a short kiss, and rather chaste. When she pulled back, I didn’t know what to think.

Actually, I did. I just didn’t want to accept it.

Because that was something I never wanted to do again.

“Okay, I may have never been kissed before, but I’m pretty sure something about that wasn’t natural. I saw visions.”

She bit her lip. “I figured that might happen. I should have warned you. I am an embodiment of dreaming, so some of that seeped into you in our connection. Tell me the truth, though, did you like it? I’m not gonna be offended either way. I can deal with a life without kisses.”

I toyed with the idea of lying to her. She said kissing was enjoyable for her, but the sincerity in those eyes as she knelt before me compelled me to be honest.

Also the fact that she implied she wanted a life with me.

“I’m not sure I ever need to do it again. It wasn’t bad, just not really my cup of tea.” And that was the truth. I’d had my first kiss, but it just seemed to be
there
, a memory holding weight, but more uncomfortable than enjoyable.

She grinned at my answer, obviously thrilled that I was being honest.

“We don’t have to do that again. I hope it was helpful in the reanalysis of your sexuality.”

“Among other things.” I looked down at her before me, trying to read whatever played across her face. “You did just kiss me. Doesn’t that mean something?”

“Only if you want it to.”

She stood up and walked back to sit on the other side of the table and resumed sipping her tea.

“I don’t think I’ve ever wanted any ‘something’ more if you’re implying we can be in an actual relationship,” I told her.

Ashlinn’s grin was infectious, and I didn’t remember ever having felt this happy in the past year without guilt.

“You need to stop being so charming,” Ashlinn said, and I could hear the smile in her voice. “I’m not supposed to be rewarding you with this, and I keep forgetting to be upset.”

“I’m not going to complain.”

We drank in a silence that buzzed with elation. I had a girlfriend. If the day kept on at this pace, I’d probably end up queen of some European country by midnight. It seemed like something to talk about, but there weren’t any words. When she did speak again, I heard shame.

“Actually, I did mean to apologize. I can’t blame you for all of this. You may have picked up the drugs, but it is a little bit my fault. I made you addicted to dreaming. I’ve spoken of Semira to you before, correct?” She took a break from this monologue to sip her tea, although it was still scalding, and I confirmed that she had told me of the other dream maker.

“I have selfishly been keeping her away from you. People need to have nightmares or else they’d be in a perpetual haze of wanting to get back to their dreams. I did that to you and I’m sorry.”

My nodding probably seemed a bit ridiculous at that point, but I had no words for the situation. There’s no universe where this could be construed as normal breakfast conversation, but I did my best to treat it as such. This explains why the nightly flashbacks all but vanished when Ashlinn first showed up. Funny, I hadn’t really thought about it. It just seemed to fit in with the way my life had become.

“No worries. I quite liked not having night terrors. Don’t suppose you could keep it up?”

“Absolutely not.”

Her presence was definitely worth the nightmares. Or so I thought. What she did next made me temporarily consider rethinking that sentiment.

“Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, you must know the drugs aren’t the only reason I came here.” Her eyes were locked on the cell phone where it lay on the tile floor. “Your auditions are today, correct?”

“Well, not anymore. Can’t go, remember?”

I figured I had every right to sound bitter. She obviously didn’t agree because she lunged toward my phone on the floor, grabbed it, and without wasting a second, sprinted to the staircase.

“What the hell are you doing?” I shouted, pursuing her as she took the steps two at a time. The robe was trailing behind her as she skidded into my bathroom and locked the door.

“Let me in! What’s going on?”

Calm down
. Maybe she was just calling in pizza or phoning the president or something less ridiculous than what it seemed like was going on.

I pulled pointlessly at the door handle. The beeping of buttons echoed from the bathroom, and then there was a short pause. Someone was certainly taking a while to pick up, not that anyone could blame them so early in the morning. I turned my back to the door and slid down, throwing my head against it, hoping the bang it produced was loud and guilt inducing. The conversation we had just been having didn’t lead me to any pleasant assumptions regarding who was on the other end of that call and why.

Ashlinn began speaking, but not to me.

“Hello, Ellie.”

I swear, hell is empty.

There was a pause as she listened to a response, and I could hear my spirit chipping away in the silence. Good God.

“I’m her girlfriend, Ashlinn.”

I was a cocktail of emotions, embarrassment mixing with horror, but hearing her use the term girlfriend did ease the negativity a little bit. There probably should have been more conversing before that proclamation was made, but for some reason, I wasn’t bothered in the slightest. She had stated it so naturally, as if speaking of the weather or some other unchangeable fact.

“You need to drive her to New York today. Like, right now. You want her to be happy, and this will really help.”

I was on my knees, lowering my head to the crack under the door to try and peek in, but to no avail.

“Hang that phone up right now,” I shouted. There was no way this could work out. New York? With Ellie? Ashlinn was either insane or more out of touch with reality than I thought. She carried on the conversation as if she hadn’t heard me, but the doors weren’t that thick.

“Of course I’ll come along.”

There was another beep, and the door flung open—away from my face, thankfully—and I was eye level with her bare feet. I drew myself up as quickly as possible, and when we were face-to-face, I pulled her into a quick hug.

“That was for calling me your girlfriend,” I told her, and she nodded accordingly with a sly smile, “but I’m not happy.”

Her lips remained unchanging. She just shrugged and handed back the phone.

“You can be angry at me later. This evens us out a bit. Now go grab your dancing shoes. We’re going to New York.”

“I’m not ready. You can’t be serious. We’re not going to New York right now.”

I made no move to act on her requests.

“You are ready. The choreography is finished. You always thought you were going today.”

And I probably would have felt just as unprepared with Mother.

Having to do an audition I hadn’t expected was one thing, forcing a neglected friend and a girl I was apparently dating to bring me was another.

How am I gonna tell Mother I actually went?

Seeing that I was unwilling to handle the situation, Ashlinn began taking matters into her own hands. She passed me and crossed the hall into my room, then flung open my closet to grab a sack-like over-the-shoulder bag. I followed her and watched as she pulled out a pair of sandals I never wore due to embarrassment over my feet and some sneakers. She grabbed a strapless sundress for herself and turned away modestly to put it on, taking her arms out of the sleeves but leaving the bathrobe on her shoulders as she stepped into the dress and pulled it up.