Watch Me Disappear (29 page)

“You know, I mean, about everything. I don’t blame you if you hate me, but I wanted you to know I’m sorry.”

“Things can’t just suddenly be like they were,” she says.

“Yeah, I know.”

“You really hurt me,” she says.          

One of the girls from the track team comes up beside her. “Hey, Missy, are you coming tonight?” she asks, and then she looks at me and back at Missy.

“Uh, yeah,” Missy says, giving the girl a look that says “not now.” Missy turns back to me. “I’m just not sure I see the point in trying to be friends.” Her chin quivers and I realize she’s holding back tears.

“Missy—”

“We’re all starting college in a few months, and we’ll make new friends, and I just don’t think it makes sense to get all attached to people when you just leave them anyway.” She blinks hard.

That whole statement seems to be about something a lot bigger than the issue of our friendship. Missy doesn’t say anything else, so I say, “Well, if you ever want to call me,” and then I walk away.

If Missy isn’t willing to forgive me, then Paul is a lost cause, but I force myself to try anyway. I find him during study hall. I know he, like me, traded art for a free period, and I know he hangs out in the cafeteria. He isn’t as expressive as Missy, but the sentiment seems to be the same: Why should he bother befriending me again?

“You want to know the truth?” I ask.

He shrugs.

“I know I’ve been a terrible friend to you, and I was all along. All those times you came over, and after a while I realized I knew nothing at all about you except that you’re cute and you smell good and that you aren’t great at math. I’m so bad at being a friend, I didn’t even know how to ask you about yourself. And yet you were nice to me, and I was really able to be myself with you. The only other person I can be myself with like that—or at least I used to be able to—is my brother. I had no idea how lucky I was, and I’m sorry.”

“Don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone?” he asks, looking somewhat amused.

“Yeah, something like that.”

“It’s just, we’re all heading off to college, you know,” he says, just as Missy had.

“We can still be friends even at different schools,” I say. “We can keep in touch.”

“Will we?” he asks.

“Will you keep in touch with your guy friends?”

“Some of them.”

“But not me,” I say.

He gives a sad smile. “You’ll have other friends,” he says.

I wait to see if he’ll say more but he doesn’t.

“See ya around,” he says.

It’s my turn to fight back tears.

*          *          *

On the Friday night before graduation, a lot of kids drive up to John’s for a party. He invited me personally, his eyes still slightly black-and-blue from the punch that had broken his nose. I have to admit, the chivalrous way he stood up for Maura impressed me and made John a much more intriguing possibility. I promise him I’ll make an appearance, but I also promise my parents I’ll be home early. Jeff is flying in late that night and they want me home before they have to leave to get him.

I drive up by myself, but as I pull up the driveway, I see a few cars I recognize—Jessica’s, Katherine’s, Paul’s. My stomach flutters as I walk up the slope. I have never walked into a party like this alone before.

“No naked friends tonight?” some guy asks as I come up to the fire where everyone is congregated. A few people snicker.

Actually I haven’t seen Maura since I left her house during the disastrous party. She hasn’t called me—I imagine she hasn’t called anyone. Jessica told me that after I left the party, Maura went upstairs and everyone else just hung out until they fell asleep. I know from my mother that her parents got some guidance counselors at school involved so Maura could take her finals separately and not have to come to class for the last week. My mom said Mrs. Morgan was looking into in-patient treatment for Maura, which sounds so extreme, but I guess Maura’s behavior has been extreme. I keep thinking maybe I should pick up the phone and call her. Or walk next door and say hello. But the whole crazy scene at her house was too much.

John comes over and hands me a beer and invites me to join him by the fire. It beats hanging out alone. We sit on a log upwind from the fire. He doesn’t put his arm around me, but he puts his hand on the log behind me like he’s thinking about it. The party is smaller than usual, and everyone is pretty much in one little cluster, instead of being scattered in a few places. I sip my beer and try to imagine what it feels like to have a sense of belonging at a party like this. To sit there enjoying a gorgeous night in a beautiful place with a perfect little fire and the friends you’ve known for years, knowing that in a few months everything is going to change. For me, everything is always changing. Goodbyes don’t mean a whole lot. I am lost in thought, mesmerized by the fire, when I hear Missy call my name.

“Can we talk?” she asks.

I get up and walk with her up the hill.

“I’m sorry,” she says, “about the other day.”

“You don’t have to—”

“No, I am. I want you to know that I do forgive you, and I want us to make the most of this summer, okay?”

“Really?” I ask, coming about as close to that annoying teenaged-girl squeal as I ever have.

“It might take a little while, you know, to feel normal again, but I think we have to try.”

I agree, and she throws her arms around me.

“Paul told me that he kissed you once,” she says, pulling away.

“Oh.”

“Lizzie, I really didn’t know you liked him. You always said—”

“I know.”

“Can we just put all that in the past?” she asks.

“We’d need a time machine not to,” I say, and she laughs.

“So are you going to hook up with John?” she asks, throwing an arm around my shoulder and steering me back toward the party.

I don’t exactly make out with John that night. I let him walk me back to my car when I have to leave, and I let him kiss me, but I’m still not sure if I can
like him
like him. But at least I am open to the possibility.

*          *          *

Graduation day is calm and pleasant. The ceremony is held on the football field under sunny skies. The speaker is boring, but that’s to be expected, and of course it all takes much longer than anyone would like, but it’s nice anyway. My parents beam with pride all day and take pictures of everything—even of me and Jeff eating breakfast in the morning. When the ceremony is over, we pick up Gram, who couldn’t be out in the sun long enough to attend the ceremony, and drive into Boston for dinner at Top of the Hub in the Prudential Center. All day, I get the royal treatment.

The next morning when I come downstairs, Mrs. Morgan is on the couch with my mom. She is crying. My mother calls me into the room.

“Lizzie,” Mrs. Morgan says, looking up at me and smiling weakly. “We’re so glad Maura was able to rely on you these past few months.” She sniffles and blows her nose.

“Maura went into the hospital yesterday,” my mother says. She pats Mrs. Morgan’s hand.

“You’ll come visit her with me, right? Once they’re allowing her to have visitors…” Mrs. Morgan says, her voice trailing off.

I try to picture Maura in a hospital, lying around in pajamas with no makeup on, surrounded by crazy people. Maura isn’t crazy, I think, but I know she needs help, more help than I can give her. Still, I don’t want to see her that way. Ironically, I want to see her as she was when I first met her, haughty, beautiful, self-assured.

“Of course she will,” my mother answers when I don’t. And I know she’s right. I will visit Maura because she’s my friend. Friends forgive one another’s faults and they learn to understand one another. Missy taught me that.

Chapter 20

I always thought girls like Maura had everything, and I never understood what made them so mean. If you’re beautiful and you have lots of money, what is there to be miserable about? I had no idea how complicated life could be. My parents kept me pretty sheltered; they knew the world was crazy and wanted to keep me a little girl forever. I think some people never escape their childish views of the world. They go through life thinking everything is so straightforward. For me, though, everything has seemed a lot more interesting, and meaningful, since I started seeing the complexities.

I had no idea girls like Missy—girls who are smart, friendly, athletic, and pretty—existed in real life, and I had no idea there were guys out there like Paul—good looking guys who aren’t just looking for fun at everyone else’s expense. I guess I spent too much time watching TV and movies, where everyone is a neat stereotype, when I should have been out making real friends.

I used to think the line between good and bad was so clear-cut. That’s what my parents always taught me. But senior year, I saw the good in people I once saw as villains, and I saw an awful lot of bad in myself. You just never know what’s beneath the surface until you start poking at it. I used to be jealous of kids who had a normal high school experience, but now I see that no one does. There is no such thing as normal. That’s pretty reassuring when you think about it.

Five years from now, we’ll all come back for reunion and laugh about things we cried over in high school. My mom says that if you aren’t at least a little embarrassed when you look back on your high school years, you haven’t grown up. For once, I suspect she’s right.

Acknowledgements

I’d like to thank the friends and family who encouraged me throughout the long process of drafting and revising this novel. If not for the encouragement of my parents, brother, and sister, I doubt I could have taken the terrifying step of publishing this novel. The cover design was graciously created by my talented sister, and I cannot thank her enough. And to my father,
merci beaucoup
—I relied on your proofreading in high school and college, and I rely on you still.

Extra special thanks to my husband, who put up with all the ups and downs that are part of the writing process and who never questioned my decision to forge my own path to publication.

Big thanks also to Michael Smith, who—aside from my mom—was the first reader of this book.

I’m so grateful to the friends whose faith in me was often greater than my own. Shannon, I’m too late to be featured on Oprah’s book club, but I never gave up! Jenn, Jill, Tara, Kristen, Becky, Dina, Sarah, Lisa, Glynis, Jeanne, Sam, Caitie—your friendship has made me the woman I am today!

Much gratitude also to the Worcester Writers Collaborative (
www.worcesterwriters.org
), whom I met just as I was deciding whether or not to publish my novel independently. Their support and know-how helped me make up my mind to go for it. Cheryl, my eternal thanks for your careful proofreading—your diagnosis of all my verbal tics (a little bit here and a wink-wink there) was invaluable.

And last but not least, a heartfelt thanks to my students, particularly the members of the Pen & Ink society who listened to early versions of parts of this story and who kept after me to finish it.

Questions for Discussion

1. Lizzie comments that, “Popularity is a funny thing. Everyone wants to look like the kids at the top of the social food chain. Everyone wants to be liked by them. Everyone is slightly afraid of them. And everyone hates them and loves to see them fall.” Do you think Lizzie’s assessment of popularity is accurate? How do you define popularity?

2. When she first meets Hunter, Lizzie says, “There’s nothing like coming face to face with someone who challenges half a dozen stereotypes that you hold dear.” In what ways do Lizzie, Missy, Maura, and Paul conform to stereotypes? In what ways do they defy stereotypes? In your experience are there times when stereotypes are helpful? When are stereotypes problematic?

3. Lizzie paints a rather unflattering picture of her mother. Do you trust Lizzie’s portrayal of Beth? Why or why not? How do you understand Beth’s often contradictory attitudes and behavior?

4. Lizzie’s makeover is an important turning point in her relationship with Maura. Why do you think Maura agrees to help Lizzie with her makeup?

5. Lizzie and Missy are both motivated students taking mostly AP classes. Lizzie notes that since she started high school, all she’s had time to do is study, so she’s had to let most of her hobbies go. What types of pressures do students face today in college preparatory environments? What factors should they take into account when deciding what classes to take and what activities to participate in?

6. Why do you think Paul kisses Lizzie the night of the semi? How do Paul’s actions around during and after the semi influence your opinion of Paul?

7. Lizzie says that Missy taught her that friends forgive one another’s faults. How much should friends forgive in one another? What are the limits of friendship?

About the Author

Diane Vanaskie Mulligan began writing
Watch Me Disappear
during an after-school writing club she moderates for high school students. This is her first novel. She holds a BA in American Studies from Mount Holyoke College and a Master’s degree in teaching from Simmons College. When she isn’t teaching or writing, she’s the managing editor at
The Worcester Review
(
www.theworcesterreview.org
) and the director of The Betty Curtis Worcester County Young Writers’ Conference (
www.stjohnshigh.org/wcywc
). You can also find her occasionally strumming her guitar and singing at various bars in central Massachusetts, where she lives with her husband.

If you enjoyed this book, please take a moment to write a review or drop me a line. I appreciate your support!

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