Wasted Words (25 page)

“I’m an asshole.”

“Not usually.” I could hear him smiling, but I still couldn’t look at him as I sorted through my feelings, wanting to explain.

“I just … it just made me so mad. I mean, he just rolled up in there on his nerd-steed and got the girl without even trying, and here I was spending all this time trying to hook her up with Greg, and for what?”

“That’s really the question, isn’t it? Why does it matter so much to you?”

“Because …” I struggled to find an answer, but I didn’t have one, not a real one. “Because it just did. I love them both, and I thought they could love each other, if they were given the chance. I wanted them to be happy.”

“Then why does it matter how they get there or who they’re with?”

“It doesn’t. Not really.” I took a breath and said quietly, “I don’t like being wrong.”

He chuckled. “No kidding?”

I squeezed his hand, unable to laugh. “And if I’m wrong about them, maybe I’m wrong about other things. Like, maybe I’m wrong about everything. About you and I, about being together. I don’t want to be wrong about that, Tyler.”

“There is no right or wrong, remember? Not when it comes to this.”

Tears spilled out of my eyes, and fog crept up on the edges of my glasses. “God,” I said with a small sob. “I was just horrible to your friend.”

“Yeah.” The word was sad, laden with disappointment, the edge dull but present nonetheless. “All he ever did was show up, Cam. That’s it. You showed him your ugliest side tonight, made him feel unwelcome and unwanted when your approval meant everything. Now he’s hurt, Bayleigh’s hurt, and no one even knew what to say. The whole thing was badly done, Cam. Really badly done.”

I sniffled, trying not to sob audibly as more tears fell.

“So, yes. I’m disappointed and embarrassed. You know, he’s one of the most genuine people I know, besides you. I thought you’d appreciate that about him, not insult him.”

“I’m so sorry. I hate that I did this. I hate that you’re angry.”

“I’m not angry, Cam. I mean, five minutes ago I was. But I know you. I know you’re sorry, and I know you’re probably punishing yourself worse than I could. Even when you’re wrong, you see it, acknowledge it.”

I sighed.

“Yeah, and don’t think I missed you being wrong again.”

A little laugh found its way out of me.

“Anyway, there’s a little bit of a silver lining.”

“Oh?”

“Nothing is beyond repair. You can make it right again.”

I thought about going back to apologize and filled with dread. “I don’t want to go back there. I can’t face them tonight.”

He squeezed my hand again. “Okay. Can I take you home?”

I turned my head so I could finally meet his eyes, eyes that were sad and forgiving. “Okay,” I said quietly.

Tyler smiled and slipped his hand into my hair, cupping the back of my head as he leaned forward to kiss my forehead. “Come on, then.”

So I picked myself up off the ground and tucked into his side, walking to the subway station in silence, counting my mistakes, one by one.

Tyler

CAM TEXTED ROSE TO LET them know we wouldn’t be back, but she didn’t speak the whole way home, and neither did I — I was content to leave her with her thoughts, content to hug her in the silence, hold her hand, just breathe with her.
 

When she’d walked out of the bar, I’ll admit — I was livid. It took me a second to put on my shoes and chase her down, rolling through the tirade I planned to lay on her with every second that passed. But when I caught up to her and she ran into me, when she hit the ground and just lay there, eyes shining, brows furrowed, staring up at the sky, I knew she didn’t need to hear it from me. She already knew.

Sitting on the train, she was subdued, still and quiet, maybe more than I’d ever seen her, aside from when she was reading or sleeping. My arm was around her, and she leaned into my side, staring through our reflection in the window across from us.

I thought maybe we’d talk more when we got home, but I wasn’t willing to break the silence, happy to wait for her. So we moved through the apartment silently, readying for sleep. When our teeth were brushed, she took my hand, leading me into her bedroom where we climbed into bed. And when the light was off, she buried herself in my chest and breathed, a deep breath in, a long sigh out. And I held her, knowing it was all she needed from me.

“I’m going to make this right,” she finally said.

“I know you will,” I answered, and she sighed again, this time with the sound of letting go.

But I was awake long after her breath had slowed and she drifted away to sleep.

Bayleigh, Greg, Martin … that was the least of my concerns — I hadn’t missed the admission as we lay on the sidewalk. She was still afraid of us, of me. She worried she was wrong about us, and my frustration mounted, not understanding how she couldn’t know the thing that was most obvious to me. But even past that, I worried over what would happen to us if she imploded, blew us up from the inside.

The cold realization slipped over me that there was nothing I could do except what I was already doing. Be there, show up. She had to do the rest.

I sighed, pulling her a little closer, hoping with all my heart that she’d find a way to believe.

Cam

I woke the next morning resolute, plan in place, smile on my face. Tyler slept soundly, and my heart ached at the sight of him, the patient man who had his work cut out for him with me. I tried not to feel guilty, but it was no use. I was an asshole, and all I could do was try to atone.
 

Starting with muffins.

Tyler woke as I was pulling the second batch of lemon blueberry muffins out of the oven, and I smiled at him, feeling sheepish. But his smile was forgiving and he nodded sleepily at my work.
 

“You’ve been busy.”

I took off my oven mitt and poured him a cup of coffee. He stepped behind me as I was pouring, slipping his arms around me as he pressed a kiss into my hair.

“Grand apology: phase one. Coffee and muffins.”

“Smells good.”

“Tastes better.” I turned in his arms and stretched onto my tip-toes to kiss him. “Thank you. For understanding. For sticking with me.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Cam.”

I smiled, though it was tinged with remorse even still. “Here. Have a muffin.” I reached for the pan and grabbed a steaming pastry for him.
 

He took it, wetting his lips as he peeled the paper and took a bite. He moaned. “God, it’s so good.”

It was practically pornographic, watching him eat something I made with that much pleasure. My lips pulled into what felt like a dirty smirk, and I turned to the pan, pulling out the muffins to place them on the cooling racks.

“How’s your day?” I asked as he sat at the table with his coffee and breakfast.

“Shouldn’t be too rough. You?”

“Same. I think I’ve got to go shopping after work for the party tomorrow night unless there’s a chance for me to wear jeans.”

He chuckled. “I mean, you could.”

I smiled, lining my little lemony morsels up like soldiers.

“If you’re going to go shopping, I guess I’ll hang with Kyle. He’s been hounding me to go out with him for what feels like forever.”

“Think you’ll be late?” I asked, hoping the answer was no.

“I’m going to try to just do happy hour and see if that’ll appease him. The last thing I want to do is club tonight, not with work tomorrow and the event tomorrow night.”

“Oh, grown up life.” I wiped my hands on a kitchen towel and turned, leaning on the counter to face him.

He laughed. “I know. Going without sleep is my number one contributor to bad days. But Kyle doesn’t get it. I think he’s worse now than he was in college.”

“So he’s regressing? This doesn’t surprise me at all.”

He nodded, his smile slipping. “Some days I feel like everyone I knew before moved in different directions away from me, and I’m stuck where I was.”

The admission hit me in the heart, and I pushed off the counter, moving for him. With him sitting down, I was only a little bit taller than he was, and he shifted, his arm around the backs of my thighs as I leaned into him. I cupped his jaw.

“You didn’t stay where you were. You grew. They’re the ones who stayed the same. Don’t ever compare yourself to Kyle. He’s not half the man you are.”

Our faces were angled to each other, and he touched my cheek. “Thank you.”

I leaned in to kiss him, my lips closing over his bottom lip as his closed over my top. I pulled away and smiled. “You’re welcome.”

“So, are you taking all of those to work, or can I stash some?”

“Take as many as you want. Just be sure to save a couple for Mrs. Frank.” I pecked his lips before stepping away.

“Man, she gets all the good stuff.”

I laughed and packed up the apology muffins, and we got ready for work. I felt a little healed from the self-inflicted wounds, optimistic about the day. I decided to leave a early so I could walk to work, parting ways with Tyler in the doorway with a kiss that made me wish I could stay home instead.
 

But there was work to be done.

I turned on my music and breathed deep, enjoying the sights of the city, the sky deep blue, the leaves rusty and tumbling to the ground. It was nature and man, colliding in a clash of color and concrete and steel. And I thought over the mess and my hopes to set things to rights, feeling a little better, a little lighter with every step.

When I reached Wasted Words, I unlocked the door, heading through the empty store and to the office where I found Rose already working. She looked up, and her smile held a hint of sadness.
 

“Hey, Cam.”

“Hey,” I echoed apologetically as I set the muffins down her desk. “I made ‘I’m sorry’ muffins.”

Rose leaned back in her chair and sighed. “Well, it’s a start. I don’t know what got into you.”

I took off my bag, setting it next to my chair before sitting on top of my desk. “I don’t really either. I was stubborn and unkind, and for no real reason other than that I didn’t want to be wrong. I didn’t want my matchmaking laws to be wrong.” I sighed. “But I was.”

“Yeah, you were. Bayleigh and Tyler were so embarrassed. I mean … I dunno. I get you were trying to hook up Bayleigh and Greg, but I don’t get why you’d go so far as to call Martin out like you did.”

I shook my head, eyes down as I fiddled with the Tupperware. “I maybe have some control issues I’m working on.”

She snickered. “You think?”
 

I tried to smile. “It’s just … I mean, I’m with Tyler and I just feel like I have no control over anything — how I feel, how he feels, what happens with us next.”

“But that’s every relationship, Cam,” she pressed.

“Maybe, but it’s never affected before now. Not like this.”

She nodded, her eyes full of understanding.

“And I think maybe Bayleigh and Greg were something I could control, even though I couldn’t really control that either.”

“Right, because they’re human beings with their own ideas and feelings. Maybe you should take up knitting?”

I snorted. “I tried, but I can’t multitask knitting with anything else, and I kept losing track of my stitches. My first scarf looked more like a triangle. I guess I could have called it a shawl instead.”

She chuckled. “Yeah, I’m so not crafty. My first and only craft as an adult ended with me supergluing my fingers together.”

I sighed. “What happened last night after I left?”

She reached for the muffins, popping the top off and grabbing one. “Bayleigh apologized about a hundred times to poor Martin — pretty sure she spent the rest of the night trying not to cry. But he seemed more concerned with how she was than how you acted. I think they went home together.”

I felt both happy for them and the sting of pain from being wrong.
Being wrong isn’t the end of the world.
Except it kind of was.
 

I pushed the feelings away. “I hope they’ll forgive me.”

She sighed and peeled the paper off the muffin. “Me too. Only one way to find out. You gonna talk to her today?”

I nodded. “As soon as she gets in at ten.”

“Good. I’m sure everything will be fine, Cam.” She took a big bite and closed her eyes, humming.

I smiled and sighed, hoping she was right.
 

Rose moved the muffin into one hand, licking her free thumb. “Is everything okay with Tyler?”

“Yeah. He was so disappointed. I think that almost hurt more than if he’d yelled at me.”

She nodded and angled for a bite. “I know that feeling.”

“But we’re okay. I’m still being a little crazy, but I’m working on it. We’re supposed to go to this cocktail charity thing tomorrow night, and I’m starting to wig out about that.”

“Why?”

“Uh, because I’ve worn heels a grand total of twice in my life, and I fell both times.”

She laughed. “Oh, God.”

“I have nothing to wear … I mean, I don’t even own any dresses.”

“Well, then let’s go shopping tonight.”

I waved her off. “I don’t want to bother you with that.”

She shrugged. “It’s no bother. We should see if Lily can come too. She’s the best at cocktaily-type things.”

“Really? Because I can use all the help I can get.”

“Really. We’ve got your back.”

Relief washed over me. “Teach me, oh wise one.”

But Rose snorted, rolling her eyes. “It’s like the blind leading the blind.”

The phone rang, and she picked it up.
 

“Wasted Words, this is Rose.” She paused, her eyes flitting to me. “Hai,” she said, and I reached for the phone, which she passed over gratefully.

“
Emerson to moushimasu,
” I answered in Japanese, and thus began my work day.

The next few hours were spent on the phone with a small distributor in Kyoto, arguing about a shipment that was supposed to have already made it to us. Not that they weren’t being accommodating, but frankly, most discussions in Japanese sounded like arguing, regardless of context.

I left the office at a quarter after ten bearing muffins, finding Bayleigh behind the bar, setting up for the day. She glanced at me as she sliced limes.