Warrior Pose (61 page)

This morning, I've realized the specific meaning of the abyss. It's my fear of facing something my Soul had known for far too long but my mind has been refusing to face: My marriage is over. I'm reminded of the Serenity Prayer and having the wisdom to know those things I cannot overcome. Although I've been able to effect profound changes in myself through the spiritual science of Yoga, this doesn't mean that I can determine all that happens in my life. I realize, too, that this realization is an essential part of completing my healing, and I know Pamela feels that her healing also requires this difficult step.

My mind blocked it out for so long because I had to heal my back and overcome cancer. And there's more to it. Deeper things. I've been apprehensive about what it might mean for me socially and financially. Most importantly, I've held a deep fear over how it might affect Morgan. But Pamela and I have gone too far in different directions, with too much painful history behind us, to ever reconcile our differences.

Now, it's time. I breathe deeply and finally accept the truth, stare my fear straight in the face, and peer over the edge of the abyss.
I visualize myself opening my arms wide, leaning forward, and finally letting go. I immediately fall into the darkness with terrifying speed. As I expected, the visualization terrifies me. Then I find my wings, make a mighty effort, and eventually soar out of the abyss and into the clear, blue sky.

As the summer of 2002 comes to a close, Morgan lives with me half the time. Pamela has moved to another home on the island, and we have ended our marriage. We gave counseling our best try but just couldn't put things back together. It has been traumatic for both of us. We have faced fear, anger, uncertainty, guilt, indecision, and all the other emotions that go with separation. We also have had to face ourselves. Build new lives. Make sure the impact on Morgan is as minimal as possible. Always let him know it's our fault and how deeply he is loved.

I feel a natural sense of sadness and pain the days I'm without my son. To help me cope, and to be with like-minded community, I attend a meditation north of San Diego one night a week. It's held at a large, serene facility where men and women sit on opposite sides of the room, chant Sanskrit mantras, then sit in silent contemplation. Tonight, November 1, 2002, I've brought two Yoga students from the Coronado studio with me for their first visit to the center. After the meditation, they want to go down the corridor to a small cafe that serves light vegetarian meals. I've always preferred to skip this part of the evening and head home for some final practices in my cave before bed. This time, I agree to join them at a table where they've met two people they find intriguing.

One is a man named Eros who engages my friends with captivating tales of his retreats in the tropics, where he swims with wild dolphins. The other is a woman named Laura who, like me, remains quiet and reserved. I've hardly glanced at her to notice how extraordinarily beautiful she is, yet I'm mesmerized by her presence. We barely speak to one another, but deep within, each of us feels a sense of destiny unfolding.

After college, Laura lived in Europe and was general manager of
The Discovery Channel Europe
. Along with running the channel, she produced documentaries on science, culture, and spiritual topics such as vignettes on the Dalai Lama. Like me, Laura endured her own dark night of the Soul and found her way out of her own abyss through turning toward a more spiritual life. But we are both in emotionally tender places. Neither of us is looking for a relationship. Isn't this when it always happens?

January 2004. I've remained in the same home where Morgan was born. Laura and I have married and embraced a life together that is centered on aligning our lives with Vedic wisdom. We've developed a style of daily practice that's based on my experiences and studies in my cave, with spirituality and self-awareness as the foremost principles. I sleep in these days, arising between 4:30 and 5:30
A
.
M
.
for my
Sadhana
instead of 3:00
A
.
M
. I rarely attend a class at the Coronado studio, preferring instead to continue developing my own practice.

Laura and I periodically travel to Yoga conferences or attend trainings to study with great teachers. This month, as a pilgrimage, we journey together to Esalen. It's an institute in Big Sur, on the northern coast of California, dedicated to holistic studies and human development. Esalen is a stunning place. Sitting on a steep mountainside surrounded by lush forest, it towers just above the Pacific Ocean and offers staggering views of the rocky cliffs forming the coastline. A fresh canyon stream runs through its spacious gardens and walkways. Its natural mineral baths are nurturing and healing. The pervasive silence is only broken by the song of the mighty waves below.

We've come for a weekend workshop called “Imagery, Deep Relaxation, Movement, and Music,” with Dr. Emmett Miller. I've long wanted to meet the man whose voice transfixed me in Biofeedback, and whose work helped transform my life. Although I feel like I already know him from listening to his audiotapes for so many months during my healing journey, I'm taken by his presence. Dr. Miller is well over six feet tall, lean and sinewy, with thick, black
hair slightly graying at the temples. A full beard, neatly trimmed, covers his strong jaw. His chocolate-brown eyes are soft and glowing. His voice is even richer and deeper in person, and just hearing him speak feels remarkably healing.

The workshop is like a celebration of mind-body medicine as Dr. Miller guides us into rediscovering peak moments of healing, empowerment, love, and joy. He leads us through techniques of selective awareness, meditation, and guided imagery as we explore the healing force within us. His presence is simultaneously soft and powerful, reminding me of principles in the Yoga Sutras that advocate standing in steadiness and strength while remaining soft, open, and supple.

During the weekend, Laura and I establish a personal relationship with Dr. Miller. “Call me Em,” he says gently after I share my story and thank him for the incredible healing I experienced as a result of hearing his words in Biofeedback, reading his book, and exploring his practices while I was at the Pain Center. “Your experience is a profound illustration of the power of mind-body medicine and self-healing,” he says, placing a hand on my shoulder and gazing into my eyes. “One day you must share it with the world.” I take this as advice from a modern-day sage as I humbly bow my head and answer, “I will. When the time is right, I will.”

February 2008. Laura and I have founded Deep Yoga, a Vedic school devoted to teaching the fullness of the ancient wisdom of Yoga. For me, this is an expression of the new person that I have become. When I lost my journalism career, I lost my identity. I found it in Yoga, and now with this new venture, I feel a renewed sense of worth and accomplishment, like I am contributing something to the world.

We call our trainings “Mastery of Life.” Our intention is to guide our students into owning the power and living their truth. Through applying the deepest principles of Yoga, we help them develop greater harmony and balance, find their true calling in life, and express themselves to their fullest potential. Through our Mastery Programs,
we train Yoga teachers and Vedic healers, offer classes, workshops, and retreats, and continue to see a wide variety of private clients in our practice.

It's a profound privilege to serve those seeking to heal, grow, and transform their lives. Part of our mission is to remind our students that their greatest guide, their true guru, lies within them. That each of them possesses the capacity to recreate themselves and live in greater authenticity, contentment, and self-expression. We've seen so many wonderful people make incredible strides in healing, transforming their lives, and living to their fullest potential, and several of our graduates have gone on to serve others as powerful healing guides.

Morgan joins us periodically as we teach a Yoga class, and occasionally sits in on portions of some of our trainings. He already displays a deep understanding of the primary principles of Ayurveda and has memorized several complex Sanskrit mantras. Yet he is following his own path, becoming a junior black belt in karate, surfing, and designing amazingly elaborate creations with his Lego blocks. We let him know that Yoga is always here for him, but we never require it or even try to nudge him in this direction. He is perfect and whole just as he is, and we are confident he will chose his own path in life with discernment and commitment when the time arrives.

As part of my own journey, which in many ways has been a rebirth from the person I once was, I have taken the spiritual name of Bhava Ram. Such names often embody something that it is important to aspire to. This particular name means several things that I will always seek to embrace.
Bhava
means the essence or experience of an emotion, and
Ram
is the name of the central character in the spiritual epic
The Ramayana,
a man who stayed devoted to Yoga and lived his truth in the face of great odds.
Ram
also signifies the sun, the light of the heart, and the fire of self-discipline. Together, a great Sanskrit scholar has told me, the name can be translated as “Pure State of Being in the Heart.”

Traditionally, such names are given by a disciple's guru. Because I have no formal guru and am not seeking such a relationship, Bhava Ram is a name I've chosen as a way of reminding myself that I'm only alive because of devotion to my new path and that I must continue to follow it to the best of my abilities, as imperfect as I might be. After deciding upon this name, my primary teachers agree it's the right choice and give it their blessings.

One of these teachers, Dr. David Frawley, has invited Laura and me to be his guests at a retreat on the Ganges River in the foothills of the Himalayas. Also known as Vamadeva Shastri, Dr. Frawley has written dozens of books on Vedic wisdom and, although American by birth, is viewed in India as a great master of Sanskrit, Yoga, Ayurveda, and the history of ancient India. Laura and I have long wanted to make our first pilgrimage to the country that is the source of the practice that has transformed our lives, and we readily accept this generous offer.