Wanted (5 page)

Her parents thought they knew most of what she'd done. That was why they'd been so confused about her decision to join the church as quickly as possible. But they didn't know everything.

They couldn't.

If they did, they'd never look at her the same, and Katie
wouldn't be able to hold her head up in their community. Good people didn't do the things she'd done. Most important, good Christians didn't tell lie after lie to people who cared about them.

Did they?

Despair filtered through her once again. How could this all have happened, anyway? She'd prayed to God to help her move on with her life. Why hadn't He listened? Why had He encouraged Holly to contact her?

Katie wanted to tear up the paper. She wanted to burn it and turn it to ashes. To pretend it had never arrived.

That is what she would do. It was her only option. She couldn't visit the Brown Dog now, even if she'd been inclined. She was no longer a dreamy girl who was a tad bit rebellious. She was a responsible woman now. Moreover, there was a chance she was finally about to get to know Jonathan better. That couldn't be ignored.

But what would happen if she didn't go? Most likely nothing. Holly might be angry, but she surely wouldn't care if she never saw Katie again. Yes, that was the right thing to do. Keep the past in the past, where it belonged. Where she wouldn't have to think about it.

Where she could pretend it had never really happened.

“Katie, there you are, Daughter.”

With a start, Katie noticed her mother standing in her doorway. She scrambled to a sitting position. “
Mamm
.”

“Haven't you heard me? I've been calling for you time and again.”

“I'm sorry.” After stuffing the letter and envelope under a pillow behind her, Katie stood up. “What do you need?”

“Your time, of course.” After treating Katie to a particularly pointed glare, her mother turned on her heel and headed downstairs.

Katie had no choice but to follow. Her steps sounded louder than usual as they clopped on the wooden stairs, the noise jarring the relative peace of the inn.

After a burst of guests, their inn was remarkably quiet. Just the other day, Henry had announced that there'd been a curious drop in reservations for the next two weeks. The news was unusual, but not unwelcome, at least to her brother.

Katie knew Henry would rather work on projects in the workshop or fuss over Anna. He might call it “tutoring,” but he was as besotted as any man in love and didn't try hard to hide it.

After entering the hearth room in silence, Irene Brenneman sat on the couch next to her husband. Roman had followed. Now he was there, too, sprawled out on the braided rug and chewing on a knotted piece of rope Henry had fashioned for him.

After gently scratching Roman's ears, Katie moved to sit across from her parents. Her heart was beating so loud, Katie was sure her parents could hear it.

Without fanfare, her mother said, “Your father and I've been talking about Jonathan and his offer for you.”

“Oh.” Katie swallowed with relief. Oh, for a moment she'd been sure they were going to question her about the letter.

Her father's lips twitched. “That is not the response I had imagined you would have.”

Katie thought quickly. “I don't have any response prepared. I assumed a decision had been made.”

“It had not.” After glancing her father's way, her mother replied. “After Winnie came by and we had that discussion, your father and I did some more thinking. In a nutshell, Katie, we have reconsidered.”

Their decision caught her off guard. “I'm surprised. I didn't think you wanted me to be at the Lundy home.”

“In truth, we do not.”

“Then why are you allowing me to go? What has changed your mind?”

With a weary expression, her father pulled out his knife and picked up the latest cane he was working on, obviously needing something to occupy his hands. After carefully lifting off a layer of birch, he met her eyes. “While it is true we did not want you to live at the Lundys', we decided that perhaps we were not right in withholding this opportunity because of our reasons.”

“I'm not sure what reasons you mean.”

Her mother sighed. “Daughter, simply put, we know you have particular feelings for Jonathan. We do not want to see you get hurt.” Her mother's eyes turned worried as she continued. “Jonathan may not ever care about you the way you might wish. He might not ever want to marry again.”

It was mortifying to know that her feelings for Jonathan were so obvious. “I know that.”

“And you are fine with that? In two months' time, you could return here without a hint of a future with Jonathan.”

That was most likely true. But no matter what, Katie couldn't deny that she wanted to be near him. She also wanted him to get a chance to see her in a whole new way: as Katie; as a capable, considerate woman, not just as Henry's little sister. “I'm fine with the risk. No matter what, I think it will be an adventure for me.”

Her father scowled. “A mighty strange adventure, I think.”

“In many ways, you are still an impulsive girl, Katie,” her mother said slowly. “I had hoped that in time you would have learned to curb it.”

“I have.”

“Have you? Truly?” Her father glided the knife over the wood with ease. Under his hand, a smooth sphere was taking shape. “We know you did some things of which you might not feel proud. Back when you were younger.”

The world felt like it was spinning too fast. Was this about the letter, after all?

Had Henry already somehow read her letter? Had he also blabbed to Anna and her parents about the contents? “Those times are behind me.”

“Time can not always be forgotten, Katie. It passes, but our deeds stay with us. Mark us. For good or bad, our past transgressions and deeds make us who we are—even when we do things just to see what they are like. Even when we do things without meaning to hurt ourselves or other people.”

Her father's words were true. She did feel marked and jaded. “I have tried to continue on the best that I could. I think I have been successful.”

“We know that.”

“Do you?” Thinking about how time and again she'd been asked to tutor Anna, Katie blurted, “You have asked my help for Anna. I have tried my best to teach her much about our life. You seem to trust me to teach her well. But when it comes to trusting me to make good decisions, you act as if I am too young. I am not too young.”

“That is true. And it is also true that you have been a fine teacher for Anna, and an able helper at the inn,” her mother said. “Your actions have shown us your sincerity time and again.”

Her father smiled gently. “It is with that in mind that we've been reluctant to see you go from us. But that is not the right thing, I don't believe. Everyone needs to follow their own path, even if it isn't quite what parents always want.”

“Yes, my Katie. It is time we let you go.”

Her mother sounded resigned. With some surprise, Katie realized this time was as difficult for her parents as it was for her. They loved her.

Katie realized one day she, too, would marry, have children, and then eventually let them go. For the first time, she was able to acknowledge her parents' struggle—of letting her make decisions, even when they might be different from the ones they would have chosen. “Following God's path is not always an easy one to take,” Katie murmured. “Sometimes I don't always know what He wants me to do.”

“That is why there are rules to our society, the Ord
nung. That is why He gave you family and friends, to lovingly guide you. Remember, Katie, no matter what, you are never alone.”

Katie blinked. While her father's words now felt comforting, there'd also been a time when they'd sounded mighty confining, as well. “Yes,
Daed
. I…I don't want to be alone.”

More gently, her mother murmured, “Of course not. Take care now, Katie. No one asks for perfection. We are all flawed.”

“Sometimes, it is hard to see everyone else's flaws. I only seem to see my own.”

“Then look around you more carefully. Look at Anna and her struggles.”

Katie couldn't help but chuckle. Anna's attempts to become one of them had not been without amusements. Anna's canning mishaps were becoming legendary. When she wasn't burning her fingers on hot jam, she was struggling over the water baths for the jars. But still, she'd overcome many things. “I would never have guessed Henry would be so patient with her.”

Her mother wasn't laughing. Instead, she pushed the conversation deeper once again. “Henry, he cares for Anna. He knows she has made mistakes, but he also has forgiven her, and seen that those mistakes made her stronger.”

Katie had never heard her mother speak that way. In the past, it had always seemed that her parents had expected only obedience and perfection. Anything less was treated as a disappointment. That had been hard when she'd been
following Rebekeh's footsteps. Her older sister—a full six years older than herself—had made everyone so proud, so seemingly effortlessly, Katie had always known that she'd never measure up.

When Katie's silence continued, her mother leaned forward. “Anna feels the same way.”

“I know.”

“She's made a fair amount of sacrifices for her love. She's given up so much.”

Katie looked at her mother in surprise. “I never think of you ever seeing the outside world as something to give up.”

“Why is that? Katie, though you seem hard-pressed to forget such things, I, too, was once much younger. I know of the distractions and the temptations that can entice us all. Yet you and I only had a few years of the outside world. Until Anna came here, it was truly all she'd ever known. That is a very big sacrifice, I think.”

To her shame, Katie realized she had begun to take Anna's efforts for granted.

“But are you sure you want to help at the Lundys'?” her
mamm
asked. “I fear it will be a thankless task.”

At least Katie knew she was not hoping for heaps of praise at the Lundys'. “I am not looking for thanks.” Steadfastly, she told herself that she was not looking for affection from Jonathan, either.

“Mary is a difficult child.”

Mary was still hurting from the loss of her mother. “I think I may be able to help. And I do want to help them. Even Winnie.” Winnie, who also was searching for the right helpmate in life.

“Yes, I can see that.” But still
Mamm
's voice sounded doubtful.

Wondering the cause, Katie said, “Do you think Winnie has found her true love? Or do you think she's just following a flight of fancy?”

Her mother's eyes opened wide. “I don't know. Dreams are all fair and good, and have their place in our lives. And as for true love—why, it's a fanciful thing, I think. Love comes after a time of working side by side and believing in each other. But I do have to admit that I think it is not unreasonable for her to want to follow her own heart for a change. She should not be expected to always feel content to raise her brother's children. Winnie has always wanted a family of her own.”

“Love, side by side. Was that how love was with you and
Daed
?”

To Katie's amazement, her parents shared a warm smile. “I don't know how our hearts became joined. Your father and I felt love and companionship. He made me feel peaceful and whole.”

Katie thought of Jonathan. Thought of how her heart jumped whenever he was near. Truly, she never felt “peace” in his presence. No, it was more like a jumpy, nervous pounding in her heart, where every sense was on alert. Was that how she was supposed to feel? Or was there something different between them? Something more fanciful and dreamy? Fake.

Patting Katie's hand, her mother murmured, “Please pray on this, Katie. Take out what everyone else wants, and pray on the Lord's guidance. Then you'll know.”

“I'll know.” Her smile was brave. Inside, though, she was breaking.

Katie feared she'd never know what God wished her to do. Would never know what the Lord wanted.

Or worse, Katie feared that she would be unable to do what He asked. Deep dread filled her once again. If she couldn't carry out the Lord's will, what would she do then?

More important, what kind of person would she be then?

“Henry, I just don't know if I'll ever be as good an Amish wife as you deserve,” Anna Metzger said as she entered his workshop in the barn.

He chuckled but didn't look up from the bridle he was oiling. “Anna, the things you say. What brought this on?”

“Oh, I don't know.” It had been a particularly trying day. It was bitterly cold, she was tired, and in a burst of selfish temper, she had told Katie that she wished she were back home, tucked in an electric blanket, watching TV.

Needless to say, that remark hadn't gone over very well.

But she couldn't share that with Henry, so she just shrugged, her eyes still on him, willing him to look up and say something to make her feel better.

Instead of talking, he held out a hand. The gesture was perfect, so Henrylike. Eager for a reassuring hug, she approached, but somehow managed to trip over one of Ro
man's toys. Henry reached for her just as she'd held out her hands to stop her fall. “Anna, are you all right?”

Her ankle did throb, but not enough to complain about. Unfortunately, though, tears still threatened to spill. It had been that kind of day. “I'm fine. Just embarrassed.”

After settling her in his seat, Henry stood up and rubbed her shoulders. For a second, Anna thought he was going to cuddle her close. But, like always, his inner resolve and obedience shone through. Instead, he leaned forward, looked into her eyes, and gently smoothed back a lock of her blond hair into the confines of her
kapp
. When he spied her tears, he murmured, “Do you have a headache,
liewe
Anna?”

Liewe Anna. Dear Anna
. A little flutter raced across her heart at the sweet words. Since he knew about her occasional migraines, she sought to put him at ease. “No. It's just been a long day.”

Stepping a few inches away, he took her hands. “What happened?”

“Everything and nothing. I messed up a few things and spoke harshly to Katie. And, well, I hadn't seen you in hours.”

Dawning understanding lit his eyes, along with a fair amount of humor. “I see.”

Oops.
Henry really did see. She'd come in for his attention, which she missed very much. It was hard to find time alone with him, even though they were almost a courting couple.

And though Katie warned her that it was not the Amish
way to speak of such things, Anna knew that she longed to be in Henry's arms and perhaps steal a kiss or two. Before she could stop herself, she laid her head on his shoulder. Instead of moving away, Henry curved his arms around her back. “I've missed you too, Anna,” he murmured, pressing his lips to her temple.

If Anna didn't know better, she would have guessed that Henry was very wise in the ways of the world. Very wise in relationships and the silliness and insecurities of women. That was disconcerting. But at the moment, it was comforting, too. After hugging him tightly, she pulled away. It wouldn't do for his father to come in and see them hugging. “I guess I should go now.”

“Because?”

“I don't want to disturb you.”

“You are not disturbing me.”
Ah,
but a shadow fell away from his eyes. Something bright and playful took its place. Perhaps he wasn't immune to her, either? “Did you have another bout with the laundry?”

Anna was sure she would never like doing laundry. She hadn't even liked washing clothes when she'd had every modern convenience at her disposal. Now doing much of it by hand was particularly difficult. She'd found pinning garments to clotheslines especially challenging—at least once a week a pair of pants, a dress, or a quilt would fly off the line, get soiled, and need to be washed again. “No. I just seem to do something wrong every day.” She pointed to her ankle. “I mean, come on, who else trips over dog toys and stumbles in her skirts?

Eyes sparkling, he murmured, “You are not the first person to trip.” With an amused expression, he glanced down at Roman, who was inspecting a spider in the corner of the room. “And puppies do have a lot of toys.”

“I know, but it's just so silly.”

“No one is judging you, Anna. Truth be told, everyone is in awe of your efforts.”

“Even you?” She didn't want him to regret choosing her.

Heat replaced mischief in his expression. “Especially me,” he murmured.

To her delight, he reached for both of her hands once again and linked his fingers through hers. “Most especially me.”

“I just hope you know what you are getting. I'm not perfect. And what's more, I don't think I ever will be perfect.”

Gently, surprisingly, he rubbed the tops of her knuckles with his thumb. Though slightly calloused, it felt warm and sent yet another spark of awareness through her. And another jolt of longing for him. “Hush, now. I don't want perfection, I want you. What's more, I never forget the sacrifices you are making for me. It is not an easy way of life, ours.”

“I don't mind. This is the place for me.”

“I am grateful for that. But, what about you?”

“What do you mean?”

A knowing look entered his eyes. “You're getting the same old Henry. Perhaps you are disappointed?”

“Never. I could never be disappointed with you.”

Anna glimpsed a hint of satisfaction, completely male
and especially tender, enter his eyes before she closed her own, just as he kissed her.

When they parted, Anna couldn't resist pressing her fingers to her lips. “Oh.”

“You are not alone, Anna. I promise, you are not alone.”

She didn't know if his words or his actions flustered her more. “I…I better go work on the laundry again. The clothespins don't always stay…”

“I'll see you at supper.”

“Yes.” And then she ran. Maybe everything was going to be just fine, after all.

 

“And, Katie, this is where you will sleep,” Winnie finished, pointing to a bare guest room. Only a twin bed with a dark pair of quilts, a forlorn bedside table with an ancient-looking kerosene lamp, and a thick shade decorated the room. Though the November sun was shining merrily outside, no one inside of this guest room would ever guess that such a thing was happening. It was as dark and gloomy as if the sun never peeked out among the clouds.

“I don't see hooks for clothes. Are there any?”

“Oh yes, I forgot. Jonathan said he would bring in a chest of drawers from the
daadi haus
and nail up some hooks soon.”

It was a most unpleasant, bare, and cold space, devoid of even a bright quilt to warm things. Everything looked cold and stark—so different from the guest rooms at the inn.

At their inn, each room had been given particular care and attention. Framed quilts adorned the walls, while a pleasing mix of traditional quilts and thick goose-down
comforters covered the beds. Fluffy feather pillows and thick, crisp sheets made each bed a welcoming sight after a day of sightseeing or hard work. And the rooms smelled different—like lemon oil and sunshine.

This room smelled musty and worn, as if it hadn't been opened or aired out in years. Surely that couldn't be the truth? “Did you empty it for me and my things?”

Winnie blinked. “No, it's never been used all that much. It's just an extra place to sleep, after all.”

“Back at the inn—”

“Neither Jonathan nor I have had the time or intention to worry about decorating a bedroom.” Softening, she added, “I'm sorry, Katie. I know it's not what you're used to.”

Now Katie felt ashamed, indeed, of worrying about such vanities. “It's fine.”

As Winnie scanned the room again, she frowned, regret in her gaze. “I suppose things do look a bit gloomy. You are more than welcome to spruce things up to suit you.”

“You wouldn't mind?”

“Not at all. Jonathan and I want you to be happy here.”

But Katie heard every word that was unspoken, clear as day. Winnie was saying if Katie thought a cozy, pretty bedroom was important, then she was spending her time focusing on the wrong things.

“This room is…fine.”

As if looking at the room for the first time, Winnie scrunched up her brow. “Your inn is a beautiful place, to be sure.”

“It's fine,” she said again. Yes, the inn was beautiful, but
Katie was very aware of the amount of time she'd spent polishing spindles, starching and ironing curtains, washing walls, and waxing floors. “I didn't come here to have fancy knickknacks.”

“Oh. Yes.” Winnie swallowed. “I know you came to help us out. To help me, most especially. I am grateful.”

“You are most welcome. I had a need to come here, as well.”

As if reading Katie's mind, Winnie murmured, “I'm sorry Jonathan wasn't here. His boss couldn't let him off today. He mentioned something about a big order for a builder in Michigan.”

Obviously, everyone knew about her infatuation with Jonathan! “There's no need to apologize. I didn't expect him to be here, waiting for me.”

“But I am sure it would have been nice. After all, this is his home.”

“Don't worry so, Winnie. You've got a suitcase to pack and a trip to get ready for.”

Winnie's cheeks bloomed bright. “I can't believe that tomorrow I'll be boarding a bus to Indianapolis! I'm
naerfich
—as nervous as a young schoolgirl.”

Katie could scarce believe it, either. From the moment she'd made her decision, with God's help, to go live at the Lundy home, things had moved with lightning speed. Now, here it was, the second week in November, and she was moving into her new room.

Yes, she'd been as busy as a bee during the last two days. At the inn, Anna helped her pack and asked a dozen
questions about completing some of the chores Katie usually did. Her
mamm
and
daed
had each pulled her aside and offered bits of encouragement and advice.

Even Henry had offered her a hand and had promised to take care of the pup in her absence. Katie had been grateful for her family's support, realizing once again how strong their love was. They were willing to support her and help even when they didn't completely agree with her actions.

Thinking again of Holly's letter, Katie wondered what everyone would say if they met Holly or Brandon. Most likely, everyone would like them a lot. It would only be when people realized how close Katie had been to loving Brandon and to leaving the community that eyebrows would be raised.

Of course, she wouldn't have to guess what her sister, Rebekeh, would have to say about lying to them. Rebekeh would be critical, indeed. “It's a shame you haven't yet put into practice the teachings of the Bible, Katie,” she would say. “Perhaps you should do some more thinking and praying about treating others with care and concern.”

Then Katie would feel exactly how she always did around her sister—childish and inept. Because it had been Katie in the wrong.

Not Holly. Certainly not Brandon.

After closing her new bedroom door behind them, Katie and Winnie walked down the scuffed oak planks that lined the hall. The walls were painted a glossy white but were as bare and plain as most of the other walls in the home. As Winnie pointed out a few drawings that Mary did, and
they joked about the art projects they'd once done side by side, Katie felt herself warming to Winnie once again. Eager to return to their former easy camaraderie. “I would also be terribly nervous about going all the way to Indiana, Winnie. It is hard to travel by oneself.”

“I've scarcely thought about the travel. I can only think about meeting Malcolm for the first time.” Picking up an envelope from the kitchen table, Winnie murmured, “I just know he's going to be as perfect as I've dreamed him to be.”

“But what if he is not? Win, what if you find you don't like Malcolm? Then what will you do?”

“I…I don't know. I've never considered such a thing, to be honest. The letters we've shared are wonderful. No man who writes such words could be much different in person.”

Katie knew better. She knew firsthand how people could look one way but be far different inside. She'd been that way for a time.

She and Winnie spent the majority of the day working side by side. Winnie had carefully written out the girls' usual routine and had shown Katie where to find everything necessary for cleaning and cooking. They walked the large cellar where only a few fruits and vegetables had been canned.

Katie bit her tongue rather than ask what in the world Winnie had been doing. Amish women were proud of their home and took great pains to see that it was pleasing to the eye and a comfortable haven for all. After all, the home was the heart of the family.

In addition, most women busily canned from sunup to sunset several times a week at harvest time, carefully storing food for the winter and spring. If the job was too big for a woman to do on her own, neighbors and relatives were only too happy to help. Katie had accompanied her mother on many an occasion to help can or freeze necessities for the coming year.

But, now that she thought of it, Katie couldn't think of a time during their long friendship when Winnie had ever asked for help. She'd always tried to be self-sufficient as possible.

Maybe she should have offered to help Winnie more?

Katie noticed that there was little mention of Jonathan in Winnie's notes. Because she wanted to please him, she said, “What about Jonathan? You've got nothing written about his needs. What time does he leave for work? When does he return? What do you make for his lunch?”

Winnie frowned. “He's a grown man, Katie. He can take care of himself.”

That sounded surprising to Katie. All Amish women took pride in taking care of their families. Did Winnie never attempt to help Jonathan with his meals?

She was prevented from saying anything more by the arrival of Mary and Hannah. “Hello, girls,” she said with a smile as she hurriedly tried to help them off with their cloaks and hang them on the hooks by the back door. “I've been eager all day to see you both.”