Walk on Water (28 page)

“Just because it’s brown doesn’t make it whole grain, Rachel. And carbs are carbs, healthy or not. Fiber does not make it okay.”

“There are modifications to the rules,” Luke said and for a moment I was confused. “But not with the height of the goals.”

“Well how can you shoot…I mean…that must take a lot of upper body strength,” replied Mommy. “But I can see you’re built for it. Looks like you’re keeping your trim physique in spite of your…uh, disability. That must be why my daughter’s at the gym so much. You’re an inspiration. You could be in your thirties, except for that little bit of gray.” She patted me on the arm. “No more desserts for you, Rae.”

“I didn’t inherit Mommy’s skinny gene,” I said awkwardly.

Luke looked at me.

“You’re beautiful, Rachel,” he replied.

My face felt hot.

“Thank you, Luke,” I said quietly.

“Well sure she is,” Mommy chimed in. “Just a little chubby that’s all. She’s been that way all her life. And I did my best to make sure she ate right. Some people just aren’t meant to be thin. She just has to keep on top of it and make sure her lab numbers stay good.”

“See Luke,” I said trying to make a joke. “Mommy’s into numbers too.”

“So I see,” replied Luke not smiling.

By the time the food came I had us talking about Luke’s job, something he seldom did. He was a senior engineer at his firm and in charge of several projects, which at a general level I understood to be important even though the complex details were beyond me. Whenever I would say that to him, Luke would remind me that nothing was more
complex
than human nature.

“And you get people to change their lives all the time,” he had said.

“When they want to,” I had replied.

“But that’s what’s so fascinating, Rachel. Nine times out of ten, I bet they don’t know what they want when they show up in your office. Then they spend a few weeks with you and start undoing a lifetime of screw-ups. Bingo. They’re on the right path.”

“It’s not magic, Luke,” I had smiled, happy that he could appreciate my work. “And it doesn’t always work out for the long haul, believe me.”

“Okay, so it takes some care and maintenance,” Luke had conceded. “But show me anything—anybody—that doesn’t.”

Mommy ate silently, nodding politely, as Luke was explaining some reservoir improvements that one of his teams was making on a nearby lake. I loved to hear him talk about his work, the way he became excited about it, the way he and his team could work out things and resolve them almost always completely. Mommy’s work was like that too. Objective, concrete. Luke was right, human beings were not so straightforward.

“On the prairie there’s always a risk of drought,” Luke continued. “You have to plan for it.”

“Rachel tells me you moved back to Dallas for a promotion,” Mommy said. “It must have been a good one for you to leave your children.”

I glanced at Luke. Had Mommy simply decided to forgo common courtesy all day today?

“Luke sees his kids all the time, Mommy,” I interjected. “They were just here for Thanksgiving, remember?”

“But how often can you get to see them living way down here?” she asked. “Any chance of you moving back to Virginia? I mean if there’s another promotion opportunity?”

“I’m very close to my children, Mrs. Cunningham,” Luke replied. “My being here doesn’t prevent that.”

“I’m sure airfares are not a problem, but still it’s not like you can bring them down here every weekend.”

“No, you’re right,” Luke smiled crookedly. “Unfortunately not everybody can be as close as you and Rachel.”

Mommy was quiet. It was her fault that I didn’t know my father. The yearbook picture had no caption, but she had known him. She could have made him real for me, something more than the co-conspirator in her worst shame.

“Luke’s kids are great, Mommy,” I filled in the silence, looking at Luke. “Wonderful. And he’s a great dad.”

“You were a hit with them too,” Luke replied.

“I’m so glad. I was a little nervous.”

“You didn’t need to be. I knew they’d like you.”

We smiled at each other, while under the table Luke gently rubbed my thigh, generating as always a thrilling sensation inside me that even Mommy’s presence couldn’t dampen.

“I guess with the divorce,” she spoke again. “It must have been better for you to be closer to your parents, you know, so they can help you.”

A muscle twitched in Luke’s right cheek. He took his hand away, and hardness removed his smile.

“How are your parents, Luke?” Mommy asked. “You haven’t mentioned them at all. How’s your mother?”

“They’re fine, Mrs. Cunningham,” he answered evenly.

“I’m glad to hear it. Please tell them I said hello. It was a miracle your mother running into my Rae like that, and then you two getting together after all this time. It’s too bad, you didn’t look me up at work, you two could have connected a long time ago. How long have you been back, Luke?”

“Awhile,” he replied.

“Now how would Luke know where you worked, Mommy?” I chuckled uneasily. “After twenty years.”

He began eating again. Mommy resumed eating too.

“If it had been me,” she said. “I would have tried. So much time wasted. And who knows? If you hadn’t been shopping on your lunch hour, we probably wouldn’t be sitting here today. Seems like Betty turned out to be your guardian angel after all.”

Luke looked at Mommy, his face still really unreadable, and I chewed a broccoli floret that seemed to swell in my mouth. Finally I managed to swallow it and washed it down with ice tea.

“You realize, Luke,” Mommy went on. “My daughter’s been carrying a torch for you since the day she met you. Talk about your hero worship—”

“Mommy, please,” I said quietly, smiling weakly. “You’re not supposed to tell him that. He’ll think I’m easy.”

“You are,” she replied. “To let her tell it, Luke, you walk on water.” She shook her head again as she cut into her remaining chicken. “Poor Robert, that was her first husband, he never stood a chance. You never got meet him, but he was—is really nice. I’ll say this for you, Rae, you must have the patience of Job to wait so long. I wouldn’t have. But I guess you got your reward.”

“Such that it is,” said Luke.

He put down his fork and Mommy stopped eating too. I, on the other hand, merely stopped breathing.

“I mean,” he continued calmly. “I certainly can’t
walk
on water anymore, can I?”

“Mommy was just being facetious,” I made another vain attempt to fix things.

“You’re right, Mrs. Cunningham,” Luke added as if I had said nothing; perhaps even as if I wasn’t there. “I blew it twenty years ago. And I’m damn lucky Rachel’s got this thing for
Juniper Breeze
.” He smiled darkly. “Kinda got my own thing for it now too.”

A little amazed by the confession, I smiled a little.

“And I’m also pretty lucky,” he said. “You’d probably say blessed, that she’s giving me another chance, with all my baggage so to speak, which does in fact include a leg bag attached to my catheter.”

Which he had never let me see, always excusing himself to go to the bathroom before we made love. I covered Luke’s hand with mine and smiled at him joyfully when he threaded his fingers through mine. I loved him so much, and I could hardly believe it, that we were together.
Thank you, God
, I thought.

“I didn’t mean any harm,” Mommy said after a time, reclaiming my attention.

Holding tightly to Luke’s hand, I looked at her. The meal had worn away Mommy’s lipstick and perhaps she had applied too much eyeliner this morning. She was smaller than I was, thinner, shorter. Clearly I must have inherited my father’s frame. I could never be petite. Not like her. And not like Christina either. But Luke was holding my hand. And he liked my
Juniper Breeze
.

“Rachel’s my only child,” Mommy continued solemnly. “All I’ve got in this world. I just want her to be happy.”

“Then we want the same thing,” Luke replied.

.

TWENTY-SIX

D
uring the drive home from Benton’s Mommy was quiet; not the kind of quiet she had been on the way there, when she had been self-righteous, almost haughty, but a different kind, subdued, reflective, maybe even rebuked. I kept trying to make conversation but mostly the effort was only earning me one-word responses and sometimes nothing more than a nod of acknowledgment that she heard me. By standing his ground, so to speak, Luke had shifted the entire balance of power at the table, and even if it was not forever, it seemed to be at least for today.

So I found myself feeling sorry for Mommy. Luke had surprised her. He had surprised me too. Not so much by
how
he had said what he said, even in college I had seen him be brutally straight forward if an occasion called for it; but rather it was
what
he had said,
I blew it twenty years ago,
referring to what had happened between us. Could it be that he actually regretted breaking up with me? Then why had he done it? Over the years I had replayed his wedding day so many times in my mind, how too many of his smiles had filled his face but not his eyes, and in the reception line that look of recrimination as if I had done something wrong. Had I really driven him away? Maybe his mother had made him dump me. But in any case, I now knew that at least in part, he blamed himself too. It was kind of vindicating.

Mommy, can you believe it?
I wanted so much to ask her.
Did you see the way he held my hand? He said I was beautiful, Mommy.
Like a giddy teenager I yearned to talk it over with someone I trusted, to have the experience confirmed and validated. I’d just have to wait until I could tell Corrine. And yes, of course
hindsight was 20-20
, and maybe it wasn’t right to rejoice, but I did anyway.
Better late than never
was also true.

However, I could have been a better mediator between Mommy and Luke. At work I often had whole families for clients, and I got placed in the middle of a
no-man’s-land
all the time. I was trained to remain neutral, to be a facilitator for, a bridge to reconciliation. Yes, there had certainly been times when Mommy had gone too far, lecturing Luke about his condition, questioning his commitment to his children, implying that he needed his parents’ help. It was no wonder that he had been annoyed, angry even. Maybe he had felt a little ambushed. I probably should have found a way to warn him that Mommy wasn’t exactly enthusiastic about us being a couple, but instead I had avoided the topic, not wanting to impugn her character or hurt his feelings. Again with that
protecting
thing that Luke disliked so much.

I supposed I had just been hoping that once she saw Luke, how able he was in spite of his disability, how happy I was to be with him, Mommy would have been fine with us. After all, no matter how she felt about his mother, she had always professed to liking him “Don’t you think he’s out of your league?” Mommy had asked me once. “Life’s not a storybook, Rae. It’s best to get your head out of the clouds.” She had meant well, then, and now. She was my mother
and
my father, and she had spent a lifetime looking out for me. Today was not the first time I had heard her say that I was all she had. We were close, just like said.

At her house, I parked and started to get out of the car. Mommy looked surprised.

“You’re coming in?” she asked.

“Why sure, Mommy,” I said.

Didn’t I always? It was football season, so I wouldn’t be staying for
Sixty Minutes
, but our mother-daughter day never ended this early. I followed her into the house where a very excited Pookie barked and pranced around.

“We better take him for a walk,” I suggested opening the hall closet door to get his leash.

Seeing me do this sent Pookie into a happy frenzy.

“You can take him,” Mommy said. “I’ll make some tea.”

Okay, she was sulking, but she really had brought it on herself. What did she think? That she could just talk to Luke the way she talked to me?

“Mommy, are you okay?” I finally had to ask.

“Yes, now go on,” she replied abruptly. “You said ‘walk’ in front of him. You gotta take him before he pees on the floor.”

Pookie wasn’t happy about it, but I made it a short walk. It was cold. The December sunshine, fading fast in the late afternoon, was no match for the chilly wind and neither was my short coat. Not fifteen minutes later we were back at the house. Mommy was in the kitchen, seated at the table having a cup of green tea. Pookie went straight to his bowl for a drink of water and a crunchy snack. As I reported on his walk, I reset the electric kettle and waited for the water to boil.

Once I had my own cup of tea I too sat down at the table, determined to draw Mommy out. The
silent treatment
was beginning to make me nervous. Was there some
counter-attack
planned? Luke wouldn’t be here to defend himself, or us for that matter, so it would be left up to me.

“Did you like Benton’s?” I asked having nothing else to say.

“It was all right,” she replied sipping her tea.

“They have a great menu. We should go there again. I was thinking maybe we could take Miss Ruthie there for her birthday.”