Waking Rose: A Fairy Tale Retold (18 page)

“Did you tell Father Raymond about all this?”

“Father Raymond was the best thing that happened to me at that time in my life. He knew my struggles, and he accepted me as a man, just a regular young man, not someone strange or deformed. He kept telling me not to be locked into it by the evil choices of others—that I shouldn’t define myself by it. And he tried to teach me charity, mostly by his example. He would never deride anyone, even if they were his enemies. He was always respectful of Freet, that twisted soul, but he did tell Freet to stay away from me. Fr. Raymond was a big man—I always wondered exactly what he said to Freet. He tried as hard as he could to get Mr. Freet kept out of the school—you know how he always used to hang out there—but it didn’t work. After all, Mr. Freet was the principal’s brother, and that was before all the scandals in the Church made people more aware of these issues. It didn’t help that the principal and Father Raymond didn’t get along either.” 

He paused. “The day after Father Raymond’s funeral, Freet was right there at my locker again, leering at me. I wanted to kill him. I hated him so much. But I just ignored him and shut him out—almost fatally, as you know.”

She knew what he meant. “And when Mr. Freet kidnapped you—” She stopped.

Fish nodded, and swallowed slightly. “That was after I had been in prison and been out on the streets. I had thought I was tough by then. But when Freet had made me a prisoner in his cellar, he just stripped that all away from me, and got under my skin, the way he knew he could. He went through me like a needle brush through cream cheese.” 

He licked his lips. “I won’t go into what he did to me. I wouldn’t burden you with that. But I’ll tell you what he said. He tried to make me believe that the relationship between Father Raymond and I was twisted—you know, the whole thing about us being his favorite altar boys—when in reality, Father Raymond was the closest thing to a normal dad that I ever had.”

“That was a horrible thing to do.”

“It was pretty grotesque. Fortunately, he didn’t get me to admit it. I didn’t give in to him. Freet was going to kill me, you know, after he had finished degrading me in the worst ways possible.” He paused, and added, almost as an afterthought, “And then you showed up to rescue me.”

“You must have thought I was a fool, didn’t you?” she shuddered.

“I wouldn’t say that. You did succeed. I owe you my life.”

Of course, she thought to herself, she owed Fish her life as well. But it was polite of him not to bring that up.

At last, she managed to say, “I hadn’t realized you were dealing with such horrible things, Fish.”

“I know. I never told anyone else, except Bear. And I wasn’t going to tell you. Although Bear said I should, when the right time came. Assuming that this is the right time,” he cocked his head at her. “Do you understand why I’m telling you all this?”

“Why?”

“Because I’ve had this feeling—ever since we came out of that cellar together—that I’ve been disappointing you. I have this idea that you expect me to turn into a knight in shining armor and whisk you away into the sunset on a white horse.”

She flushed, and under different circumstances, would have made a quick retort. But instead, she dropped her eyes.

“And I admit I’ve avoided you because of that. But that was wrong. I should have faced the matter with you squarely and frankly a long time ago. I don’t want you waiting around for me, Rose, expecting something that’s just not going to happen.”

She looked up at him, and met his brown eyes as he glanced at her insistently, pointedly.

“Why not?”

He looked back at the road and blew out his breath in exasperation. “Haven’t I made you understand, Rose? I’m a broken man, with all sorts of psychological baggage. And your expectations of me are so high that I could never meet them.”

“Are they?” she asked quietly, trying to quell her swelling emotions. “How do you know?”

He frowned, speeding past the truck that had been ahead of them with typical New York impatience. “Rose, you live half in your ideal world of adventures and archetypes, and half in this real world. But I don’t belong in that ideal world. I’m happy enough to share the real world with you, but you can’t put me into that fairy-tale-land of yours. I don’t live there. I’m no handsome prince, and I’m not a knight in shining armor.”

She couldn’t help smiling through her tears. “You’re just a wounded soldier,” she said. “It doesn’t mean you can’t be a knight, someday.”

He groaned and rubbed his hand over his forehead, muttering to himself in quiet frustration. “Rose, Rose, Rose. That’s just not me. What can I say that will convince you to leave me alone with my sordid past?”

“Nothing,” she said, sniffling and wiping her nose. “You’ve been hurt, and you’re struggling...”

“Which is why I probably seem cold and solitary to you sometimes,” he said, handing her his handkerchief. “I don’t have many friends. It’s a real effort for me to initiate relationships with others. Not like you, Rose. You have more friends than I’d ever know what to do with. And you’ll have boyfriends, too. Those guys you hang out with—they’re all good Catholics. Maybe one of them will be like Bear was to your sister. I don’t want you to turn down one of them because you’re waiting around for me, who’s been used like a trash bin by too many thugs and criminals.”

She set her jaw. “Fish, don’t talk about yourself like that. You’re not trash. And not a trash bin.”

He looked at her mildly, then turned his eyes back to the long highway ahead. “I know,” he said. “At least on one level. But there always seems to be that fundamental doubt.”

The rest of the ride home, they remained silent or kept to lighter topics. Rose managed to keep her emotions under control, and when they reached Mercy College that evening, she thanked him and said goodnight with miraculous normality. She deliberately didn’t stay to watch his car pull away, but shouldered her backpack and walked back inside.

Kateri was not in the room, but there was a note from her, telling Rose to call Dr. Morris.

She dialed his home number and he answered.

“Rose, you’re back. Did you have a good trip?”

“Wonderful,” she answered truthfully.

“I wanted to tell you what the Dean and I decided to do, after talking to Donna, Tara, and their parents. I’ve expelled Donna from the play. The school administration is considering whether or not to expel her from school, but that’s their call, not mine at this point. However, based on Tara’s willingness to admit and repent for her part in the mischief, I’m tempted to keep her on and give her Donna’s role. I’m giving Tara’s part to the understudy. But I wanted to talk to you first to find out if you are comfortable with Tara remaining in the play.”

Rose considered. “I think so,” she said. It was true that Tara had always been nicer, particularly in the beginning, before falling under Donna’s influence. “How did Donna respond?”

“Oh, very badly. She denied everything, and tried to take the high ground, saying she was being persecuted. Well, with two witnesses, it was obvious that she was lying. Then Tara broke down and admitted to everything. When I spoke with her alone, she said that she had been too scared of Donna to object when Donna made the plan to trick you. That seemed to make sense to me. The Dean wanted me to expel them both, but I asked that Tara, at least, be given another chance. But he said I should talk to you first.”

“I think that’s fine with me,” she said.

“Good. I’m keeping her on probation. We’ll see how she does on rehearsals—she’s done well so far. I have picked another understudy to study her part, and she knows I will drop her if there are any further incidents. I’m sorry again that you had to go through this, Rose.”

“I think I’ll be all right, Dr. Morris. Really. Thank you.”

“Good. I’m relieved. I’d hate to see you drop out now. I have to tell you I’ve been very, very pleased with all the work you’ve done so far.”

“Thank you. Of course I won’t drop out,” Rose said, a bit indignantly. “Then they would have won!”

Dr. Morris chuckled. “That’s Cordelia’s spirit for you. All right, I’ll see you tomorrow at practice. Be sure to alert me about any more problems. And please thank your brother-in-law for me.”

“I will,” Rose promised, and saying goodbye, hung up. Technically, the brother-of-her-brother-in-law, but she knew who Dr. Morris meant.

Emptying her backpack, she sat for a moment on the floor, looking at one of the pictures Blanche had given her this weekend—a picture of her and Fish dancing at the wedding. She loved that picture. But now it seemed to represent a stage presentation, a story not based on reality.

But wasn’t there a bit of truth to it, still?

Alone, she sought out the dormitory chapel, which was empty. There, she stretched herself out on the carpeted floor, buried her head in her arms and sobbed.

It was as if something inside her had died—maybe an illusory image she had had of Fish all these years. He had seen it, and had killed it, deliberately, with his usual nearly passionless demeanor. Part of her wept from seeing that beloved figure melt.

Once she had quieted herself, she was able to wipe her eyes, look up at the tabernacle and admit that it was a good thing that the phantasm was gone. It was better to live in the chill, stark world of reality, where things were not perfect, and so far from the ideal. Wasn’t it?

But she put her head back down and cried again, this time more deeply. Not for the phantom that had died, but for her friend who was still wrestling, in a daily, invisible struggle, with a demon inside him that few people would understand or appreciate.

It was something he had shared with her alone, something that wasn’t meant for her to discuss with Kateri, her mom, or even Blanche. He had trusted her enough to tell her, and she was going to keep his secret.

She sighed. Maybe, just maybe, the trust between them would be the basis for a deeper friendship, the kind of companionship she longed to share with him.

She shook her head. “Hopeless girl,” she told herself softly, feeling tears drip onto the carpet. “Incorrigible.”  But she couldn’t deny how she felt, could she? Knowing more about him didn’t make her love him any less.

Never love unless you can

bear with all the faults of man!

Thomas Campion had warned his love. And she could bear this, if she needed to. If that was God’s will.

Of course, she couldn’t tell if it was. In the end, she still had to put it aside, and go on with her life. She exhaled and sat up. The weekend was over.

9
...And the princess grew to full stature over the course of years...

H
IS

The following Saturday, he called Rose. Even though it was almost ten o’clock in the morning, he woke her.

“No, that’s okay. I needed to get up. I’m supposed to go down and meet Kateri at the hospital for a protest. I was at our first full run-through till late last night. And I’m really glad to hear from you,” she said, the sleepiness dropping from her voice.

“How are you doing?” he asked

“Fine, mostly doing the play, but I have four more papers to do, too. Excuse me!” She yawned.

“I wanted to see what happened with those girls who attacked you.”

“Oh, yes, I did mean to tell you. Yesterday, I was called to the president’s office. Donna and I had a meeting. She apologized.”

“Did she?”

“Yes. Her eyes were red, but otherwise she was fine. She told me that she was very sorry for what she had done, and asked my forgiveness. I said I forgave her, of course.”

“Did you believe her?” Fish asked skeptically.

“I’m not sure,” Rose said reflectively. “She seemed ashamed, but not really—Oh, I don’t know. I suppose I found her convincing. But she’s an excellent actor.”

“Acting again?”

“That’s just it. I couldn’t tell if she was acting or not.”

“Then don’t trust her,” Fish said flatly. “You can forgive people without trusting them. Is she still on campus? She hasn’t been expelled from school?”

“No, she hasn’t been expelled. But she’s on probation.”