Waiting For You (13 page)

1 March 2004

Dear Evie,

I’m breaking my rule again and sneaking this one in at work. And you know why? Because for the first time ever, I don’t
need
to do this… I can’t believe it! You’re still here!

I cannot even begin to describe to you what it felt like to wake up and find you still in bed with me yesterday morning. I thought I was dreaming and I never wanted to wake up. Only then I realised I was awake and you were still here and fuck, it blew my mind, Evie. Blew my mind.

Just know, it was probably the best day of my life. Hard to say exactly, because there’s a couple more fighting for the top spot. I expect there will be plenty more to come too.

We talked a lot though and I’m glad. It was a day for talking and even though I don’t like to think about the times we’re apart, I’m glad I understand it a little better now. And I know you asked me about whether I thought this was all over now and I wish I knew the answer to that, but I don’t. And that’s why I couldn’t bring myself to talk about that part with you. Because there is a part of me that thinks it’s not over, that this is just a one-time thing, a gift maybe, for all of those years we had to spend apart.

I don’t know. I really wish I had an answer.

If I had to guess, and this really is just guessing…I’d like to think it was because we were together, in our home and that’s always where we’ve been supposed to be. Maybe that was finally enough to keep you here, maybe that was all we ever needed for you to stay.

I don’t know, Evie…all I can do is hope that it’s enough.

But the thing is, whatever it turns out to be, whether it’s the start of something or just a one-time deal, I’m taking it. We can’t change it, we can’t change any of it and you know what, a part of me doesn’t want to. Because if we somehow changed things, then it might change our life together, and I don’t want to risk that.

I couldn’t ever change wanting you, falling for you, needing you, or loving you. That’s just who I am. I need you, I always have. And whatever happens in four years, I will still feel this way about you, and about us.

Anyway, I’m not wasting our time together thinking about “what ifs”. I’m going to live with you, love you and enjoy you. I can’t wait to come home tonight and find you waiting for me - preferably naked, please… :)

Just remember, no matter what happens, now or in 4 years, I love you, Evie.

Love,

Ben x

P.S. Shit - I just remembered the kitchen table…yep, yesterday was definitely the BEST day of my life so far.

“The best day of your life, huh?” Evie says, grinning at me.

I can’t help smiling back at her, laughing a little as I say. “Well, at the time, yeah. But like I said, I expected there would be more to come and I was right.”

Evie laughs now, sliding her arms under my shoulders as she pulls herself up my body and plants a kiss on my lips. “I thought all my wishes, every single one I’d ever had, had all come true that morning,” she says. “Because I’d only ever wished for one thing and when I woke up, I realised I’d finally been granted my wish. And I couldn’t stop staring at you, amazed that I was still here, that we weren’t going to lose any time.”

“Mmm, I know what you mean,” I say, my arms wrapping around her waist. “Like I said, best day of my life.”

Evie laughs. “And now?”

I lean up and kiss her mouth, her chin, her jaw and her neck. With every kiss I press to her skin, I murmur, “Then it was the next day, the day after, and the day after that, and…”

“Ben,” she says, pulling back a little.

“What?”

She shakes her head at me, even though she’s smiling. “Such a softie.”

“Yep,” I say, pulling back. “But you love it.”

Evie laughs again. “I guess your theory on why I stayed was wrong though,” she murmurs, her mouth still on mine.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I was home with you this time around and I still disappeared,” she says.

“Mmm, yeah, I guess that’s true,” I say, staring up her. “Like I said, I’ve never been able to work any of it out, baby. And honestly, I don’t think we will ever will.”

“I know, I don’t think we will either,” she says, smiling at me. She looks at peace though, happy about what happens to us for the first time in forever. And I know why. “It doesn’t matter anymore anyway,” she continues, still smiling. “Because even when I go, I’ll always come right back.”

“Yep,” I say, grinning up at her. “You will.”

29 Feb 2008

Dear Evie,

I once told you there were a million reasons why I loved you. I said they all began with the amazing woman you are and they ended with the type of man you make me want to be. There are so many other reasons inbetween that though, things I’ve probably never told you, even though I feel them every single day, every time I look at you. This will barely even cover it, but I’m going to tell you some of them now. Here goes…

Your smile.

That cute little arse of yours.

Your laugh.

The way you look at me, but especially when you think I don’t notice it. I try not to catch you doing it, but most of the time I can’t resist, because the smile you give me when I do, it’s magic.

Your gorgeous body and the way that body feels naked against mine.

Your touch and the way your skin feels to my touch.

Kissing you.

The way you bite your bottom lip just before you kiss me, almost like you’re trying to decide whether you should. You always should, baby.

Your strength and determination.

The way you keep going through all of this, even when I know you’re tired, when I just want to wrap my arms around you and tell you I’d keep you here if I could, that I’m trying everything I can to find a way to keep you here, but that no matter what, I will never let you go.

The way you can always make me smile or laugh.

The way you make me feel like I’m the strongest guy in the world, and that I can do just about anything.

Your sponge baths :)

Your vulnerability - it’s there Evie, I see it, but I’ll always protect you from it, I promise.

The way you come back to me, over and over again.

That very first time I see you when you do. It’s like falling in love with you all over again, Evie.

The very first time I ever saw you, way back when you were just 4 years old. It was the first and only time I’ve ever fallen in love.

The way I’ve known you, and loved you, and been best friends with you, my whole life.

The way we’ve always been just you and me, baby.

These are just some of the things that make me love you Evie Foster. Some of the things that make me love being married to you, that make me want to love and protect you for the rest of my life.

These last 8 years have been amazing, but never more so than the day you married me.

I’m glad I got to spend tonight with you too, even though neither of us liked the ending. It’s been so long this time and I know that’s what made tonight that much harder. For both of us. This pain, having to watch you go, it won’t ever leave me, but it won’t ever stop me from loving you either.

And don’t worry about the guys. I told them all that we’d fooled around a little and then you’d snuck out and gone back home. Yeah, yeah, I know you’ll be blushing when you come back and hear about it from them all, and trust me, you will. I’ve been copping it all night, babe. Totally worth it though…and really, what else could I say to them?! And don’t worry, I promise I’ll find a way to explain you being gone. There will be no fight. Never again, ok?

I do still have a tiny piece of you left with me though… your wedding ring. I can still remember the day I first put it on your finger, the thought I had at the time. You know what it was?

That we should have done this a long time ago.

And we should have. My mum was right, I kept you waiting too long. I should have married you years ago. But it doesn’t matter now, because now we’ve done it. And I can honestly say, I love being married to you more than anything else in the world.

I’ll put this ring back on your finger, Evie, as soon as you find me again.

I love you,

Ben, x

“Well,” Evie says, shooting me an evil look. “I guess that does explain all the shit I copped from the guys whenever I came down to the station after that night, doesn’t it?”

I burst out laughing, knowing they did give her a good ribbing. Still do from time to time. “It’s nothing compared to what I get from them, baby, so you should be grateful for that.”

Evie shakes her head at me. “We are never, ever having sex at your station again,” she says, trying to look serious.

“Oh, now that’s just total bullshit,” I say, tightening my arms as though she’s suggesting we’re never having sex ever again.

“Ben!” she says. “They all knew what we were doing in there!”

“Yeah,” I say, shrugging at her as though it’s no big deal. “And you don’t think they don’t all know that we have sex here, either?”

“Ugh,” she says, thumping her hands on my chest. “Of course they do, they just don’t need to hear it, that’s all.”

I grin up at her. The station isn’t exactly that big, especially the living quarters, and it’s not like either of us was trying to be quiet that night.

“Oh god, they did hear us, didn’t they?” she says, a tiny blush creeping up her cheeks as she registers why I’m smiling.

“Do you really want to know?” I ask, grinning.

“No,” she says as she nods her head.

I laugh now, loving how embarrassed she is by all this. It’s so strange, because with me, she’s never embarrassed. Willing to try anything, god knows I have the photos and memories to prove it. But this, knowing that all the guys might have heard us that night, it freaks her the hell out.

“Yeah, babe,” I say, laughing as her eyes close when she realises what my answer’s going to be. “They heard us.”

“Shit,” she says, her head falling onto my chest.

I can’t stop laughing, tightening my arms as I whisper, “And I’m never gonna be embarrassed about it, Evie. I don’t care who knows how much I love you.”

“Ugh, stop,” she says, burying her face in my shoulder. “I love you too, Ben, but I can’t think about it. Can’t think about the guys listening to us have sex.”

And I can’t resist rolling us over and saying, “Then how about I give you something else to think about.”

“Whoah, hold up a second, mister,” she says, her hand on my chest.

I look at her, wondering what she’s stopping me for. “What?”

Evie smiles. “What did you tell them, to explain where I was for three months? It was kind of the first time you’d had to do it in a while.”

I let out a breath. “Yeah I know, it was,” I tell her.

And she’s right. The last time I’d had to really explain her disappearance was back when we were kids, when the shit hit the fan at the party Rach threw for her. After that, things were different because the only thing I had to explain was why she wasn’t coming back.

I never told anyone but Sarah about seeing Evie at the train station four years after she disappeared on me, and Sarah was far enough away that it didn’t matter. Plus, Evie came back quickly after that and with everything that was going on with me; we were able to get away with it.

The next time her real birthday came around, she stayed. A fucking miracle for sure, but a huge bonus too, because I didn’t know what the hell I was going to say. I mean we were living together; we were back on, as serious as we could possibly be. How the hell was I going to explain her disappearing again? But when I’d rolled over and found her lying beside me, none of it had mattered anymore. I hadn’t needed any excuses until the night at the station with the boys.

“Ben,” she says, her hand still on my chest.

I smile down at her. “For the first week or so I didn’t say anything,” I admit. “It helps with Mum, Dad, and Rach not living in London. And Paul and I were too busy working and stuff,” I say. “After that…well, then I told them you were on a course somewhere. Paul and Julia had asked us over and I just said the first thing that came to mind.”

“Not such a bad idea,” she says, her fingers brushing against my chest, gently tugging at the hairs.

I smile. “No, and thankfully you weren’t gone for years, so I managed to get away with it this time around.”

Evie smiles back at me. “And now it won’t matter,” she says.

“No, thank god, because when you came back knocked up, that definitely created questions.”

“It did?” she asks, a little surprised.

I laugh. “You have met my mother, right?” I ask. “She couldn’t believe we waited three months to tell her she was getting her first grandchild.”

Evie starts laughing now. “I can still remember your face when I told you.”

I grin at her. “I gotta admit, babe, it’s not something that had ever crossed my mind. Not because I didn’t want it,” I say. “Just that we always seemed to have so many other things going on. I just never believed it was possible.”

“I know,” she says. “Me too.”

“But now we have Lucia,” I say, smiling. “I really can’t imagine life without her.”

Evie’s face softens as she leans in and kisses me. “You are
such
a softie,” she says, laughing a little. “If only the boys at the station could see
this
side of you.”

I shrug. “Can’t help it, I love my girls.”

“I know you do,” she whispers. “And…well maybe next time, we won’t need to wait so long before we tell people.”

I grin at her, my hand sliding down the side of her body. “Yes, speaking of next time…I’m pretty sure we made a deal about this.”

“There’s no more letters?” she whispers, turning to glance at the box.

I lower my head, pressing a kiss to her collarbone. “Just one more, but it can wait.” I kiss a path across her shoulders, inhaling her scent.

“Ben,” she says, her hand sliding onto my cheek now.

“Yeah?” I ask, lifting my head to look at her.

Evie smiles at me, her fingers brushing my cheek as she stares up at me. “Those other things you said in the letter, all the reasons why.”

I smile, turning to press a kiss to her palm, which rests against my cheek. “All true, baby,” I whisper. “And there are so many more reasons too.”

She lifts her head off the pillow now, pressing her lips against mine as she murmurs, “I can’t even begin to explain how much I love you.”

And then she kisses me and shows me instead.