Waiting for Autumn (10 page)

“Ravens signal change,” my great-grandfather said.

“They always seem to follow me,” I laughed.

“That’s because they are also your spirit animal. You have much change to experience in this lifetime, and the ravens will help keep you on track. They act like signposts to indicate you’re on the right path.”

He took my left hand with his right, and raised his other straight out. Intuitively I mirrored his gesture as we walked to the edge of the cliff.

“Are you ready?” he asked.

I nodded, and we both jumped off the cliff together. As soon as our feet left the ground, we plummeted toward the valley below, and my stomach caught in my throat. I felt a twinge of panic as we quickly passed through the clouds and I could see the valley floor rapidly approaching. My greatgrandfather gently squeezed my hand, and his expression told me that everything was going to be okay. I focused on his warm smile and deep, knowing eyes and felt my shoulders begin to relax.

We continued to fly through the vivid colors with an ease and freedom that was absolutely exhilarating. However, it wasn’t actually like flying; it was more like swimming—swimming in a sea of souls. And since mine was also free of my body, I was able to feel things with much more intensity than I could on Earth. It was as if I had been wearing dirty sunglasses all my life and was finally able to look at a sunset for the first time without protection.

“This is incredible!” I said to my great-grandfather telepathically, which felt more natural than my vocal cords ever had. Speaking was as simple as thinking, and I no longer had to worry about vocabulary obscuring my thoughts.

“Yes, it is. This is pure energy. The essence of life without the limitations of the physical world. The physical world has many advantages, but nothing compares to the immediacy of the spiritual plane. Philosophers have long written about the importance of living in the moment, but here you don’t really have a choice.”

“That’s for sure.” It was easy to understand what he meant. Everything was in constant motion, and I was compelled to be aware of every moment that was happening to me. However, the thing that took the most time to get used to was the lack of personal space. The edges of my soul overlapped with those of others’, which felt a bit claustrophobic at first. But soon I was comforted by the feeling of floating in the sea of souls, which was like a familiar fabric that had been stitched together into a massive, undulating quilt.

At first I was cautious and stayed near my great-grandfather. But as I became more confident, I would wander farther and farther away from him before returning to his side. The more I got used to being in the spirit world, the more fun I had with simply moving around. Since gravity wasn’t nearly as confining as it was on Earth, I felt like a kid again, sliding in my socks on my aunt’s hardwood floors. Of course, since there wasn’t any of the friction from my socks (or from my feet, for that matter), I could slide through the sea of souls for what seemed to be miles without slowing.

After one particularly long slide, I found myself unable to slow down and actually felt like I was accelerating far away from my great-grandfather. I called out to him . . . right before I recognized the dark entity that was rapidly approaching. In the instant I sensed what was happening, it started to pull me swiftly toward its dark core. I swirled in circles as the dark energy cords began to entwine my soul and pull me closer. Thankfully, my great-grandfather appeared and took control of the situation.

“Scott, protect yourself with your white light! You’ve let it fade, and you don’t have any protection!”

I looked down and saw that he was right: my light was completely extinguished. I tried to conjure it from within, but my panic prevented me from focusing.

“I can’t!” I screamed. “It’s not working!”

“Just calm down and relax. Your strength remains inside you. Just remember what we practiced and let it come.”

“You should remember to check in with your protection regularly until it becomes second nature. At first it’s easy to let your guard down and forget to keep it illuminated, but after a while it will simply become a part of you. But as you can see, it’s very slippery here, and mistakes that are made will last for eternity.”

Even after the scare, I still became increasingly preoccupied with spending as much time in the spirit world as possible, and the return to consciousness was much less interesting than it used to be. I didn’t leave my house unless I absolutely had to, and I found myself less interested in other people who were trapped in their physical bodies. I knew that Robert and Martika would probably understand what I was going through, but I didn’t want to stay conscious long enough to see them. Life on Earth seemed so archaic with my minuscule sensory holes that let in a fraction of the world around me, and I found the physical manifestation of bodies to be entirely cumbersome and inelegant.

I was rapidly becoming bored with all that the earthly plane had to offer, and was genuinely annoyed when I started to receive late notices in the mail because I hadn’t kept up with the financial obligations of living a “comfortable” life in the physical world. There was a part of me that wanted to remain a responsible citizen, but mostly I couldn’t stop thinking about the other side whenever I was burdened with consciousness.

After returning to the spirit world, I began to take a much more deliberate approach to exploring my surroundings. I was most fascinated with the other souls I was in constant contact with, although every time I tried to communicate with them, I found it nearly impossible. Everyone’s thoughts were as tangible as any other part of them, but they all mingled together, and it was difficult to discern one from another. It was like trying to listen to whispers in a crowd while standing next to a waterfall.

From the beginning, I was easily able to tune in to my great-grandfather, since I was already familiar with his energy; however, souls I didn’t know were much more challenging. My great-grandfather explained that the problem was that on Earth I was used to multitasking, constantly juggling many things at once to save time. In the spirit plane, everything that ever existed was completely accessible and in constant motion, so it wasn’t possible to concentrate on more than one thing at a time without becoming overwhelmed.

With his help, I retrained myself to be fully present, and once I did, I began to have some of the most profound conversations I’d ever had, even within the simplest of salutations. I could sense that everyone wanted to be heard fully and completely, and quickly realized that I had been missing out on the majority of what was going on around me by constantly “multitasking” my focus away from what was truly happening.

After a while, I became much more comfortable with the basics of spending time on the spirit plane, and the more often we returned, the more crowded it became. And after the fifth time, the souls were so dense that it was nearly impossible to move.

“This is becoming a popular place,” I noticed.

“What’s so special about me? Is it because I’m new here?”

“That’s part of it, but the main reason is because you are surrounded in white light. Your energy makes them feel good, and they want to be near it.”

“But they can surround themselves with their own white light. Don’t they know that it’s inside them already?”

“Unfortunately, they don’t. Most people think happiness comes from outside themselves, and here it’s no different. It’s one of the great tragedies of life, and the reason why so many live without joy for most of their days.”

“But it’s so easy. You should teach them how to do it, like you did me.”

The small soul belonged to a young boy who’d lost his parents in a house fire. After bouncing from one unloving foster home to another, he’d died at the tender age of seven after he caught pneumonia in the dead of winter. He was lost and scared and didn’t understand why he was there.

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“Tamlin.”

“Tamlin, you don’t need to be scared. Do you want to surround yourself with white light like me?”

“Uh-huh.”

“The secret is that it’s already inside you. Think good thoughts, and remember the love of your parents. They still care about you and want you to be happy.” I didn’t know where my words were coming from, but as I let them flow, they seemed to comfort him.

Slowly, a small glowing white light began to flicker inside of Tamlin’s soul. It was smaller than a grain of sand at first, but gradually got bigger. Instinctively, I reached in and gently coaxed the light until it became bright enough to surround him. His soul began to feel lighter and happier until much of his sadness had faded. Within seconds, his parents appeared from the crowd and embraced him.

“Where have you been?” asked the young boy, his soul emanating both anger and elation.

“We’ve been looking for you everywhere,” said his mother. “You were always a beacon of light on Earth, but here we couldn’t find you although we knew you were here somewhere. As soon as we saw your light a few moments ago, we knew we’d finally found you.”

“I don’t think I’m needed here anymore.” My great-grandfather smiled as he began to fade away. “Call out if you need me.”

I spent more and more time in the spirit world and helped as many souls as I could. It seemed very natural to me, and I felt that I was doing what I was born to do. I was bringing many souls joy and happiness, and I could tell that I was genuinely making a difference. It was an immensely powerful experience, and every time I returned, there would be more and more damaged souls waiting to be healed. I had finally found my soul’s purpose, and it was extremely rewarding to be able to do something so meaningful.

Occasionally I would catch a glimpse of Cheryl, but she kept her distance and simply waved. It was nice seeing her again, but I wasn’t obsessed like I’d been previously. I was content to let her be, and knew that she would approach me when she was ready. And as I spent more time in my unconscious world, I began to recognize a little girl who was often near the edge of the cliff to the spirit world. She had a familiar energy, but I couldn’t remember where she might be from.

After a while, I began to look forward to seeing her, and we both traded smiles whenever we saw each other. At first I wasn’t sure if she was dark or light because of how powerful her energy was, but as the days progressed, I could sense that she was friendly. Finally, I worked up the courage to ask her who she was.

“Hi,” I finally greeted her.

“Hello,” she said matter-of-factly.

“Who are you?”

“My name is Autumn. I am your daughter.”

With that, she giggled playfully and right before my eyes turned into a bright blue dragonfly and hovered a few inches from my nose.

“You’re my daughter?!” I exclaimed while staring dumbfounded into the eyes of the dragonfly.

And over the fluttering of her translucent wings, I heard her giggle once more as she darted away in a blur.

I saw her a few more times in my dreamland, but more and more I would sense her presence when I briefly returned to consciousness for food, water, and bathroom breaks. It was as if she was preparing to be born and wanted to begin exploring what the physical plane was all about.

One evening when I uncharacteristically spent the entire night on Earth, I sat outside on my back porch and watched the moon rise and cast some of the most beautiful shadows I had ever seen onto the trees of my backyard. After it had fully revealed itself, I could sense the familiar feeling of Autumn nearby. When I looked around, I saw that the moonlight and shadows had coalesced into the shape of a giant bunny within the twisted branches of the large plum tree.

“Autumn?” I asked aloud. “Is that you?”

The ears of the rabbit began moving as if they were waving to me, and just when I was about to write it off as my imagination playing tricks on me, I noticed that the air was as still as could be. There wasn’t even a light breeze in the warm summer air, and all the surrounding branches were completely motionless as the bunny ears continued to wave.

My stomach filled with the giddiness of a thousand butterflies, and I watched the dancing bunny in the branches of the plum tree for nearly half an hour. When my attention began to wane, Autumn sensed my distraction and instantly morphed into a graceful swan that appeared to float on the reflection of the silver moonlight. She then choreographed an intricate production of various animals dancing in the tree one after another for the next several hours. Swans transformed into giraffes. Giraffes turned into polar bears. Polar bears into chickens. Chickens into cats. I was impressed by her creativity and ingenuity, but it was her playfulness and genuine innocence that captured my heart.

Without saying hello, I walked right up to him and read his new sign aloud.

“Be honest,” I joked. “You make those signs for me, don’t you?”

“Of course not.” Out the corner of my eye, I thought I saw Robert wink at Puppy Don. “You’ll know when a sign is meant for you.”

“How do you come up with all those sayings?”

“They are given to me by those who need to be heard. And I record them for those who need to hear. And sometimes they’re the same person.”

“So you finally met Autumn?” Robert asked after I finished. “What did you think about her?”

“She’s quite playful!”

“Yes, she is that.” He laughed.

“You know her?”

“I met her during your soul retrieval.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t think you could have handled me telling you about your unborn daughter then. You already had a pretty full day.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“It looks like you’ve spent a lot of time on the other side, haven’t you?”

“True. How did you know that?”

“Because you’re entirely out of your body right now. At least two feet above and one foot to the left. You need to try to stay grounded while you’re on Earth or you won’t have a choice.”

“A choice of what?”

“Of where you live. Do you want to live on this planet or the spirit plane?”

“Why do I have to choose? Can’t I just continue to visit?”

“I think you’ve been more than visiting, haven’t you?”

“I just feel so powerful when I’m there. And I’m definitely helping many souls heal. My life seems so much more meaningful in the spirit world. It’s as if I was made to heal others.”

“Yes, you do have a gift. But it will always be with you. Living on this planet is also a gift, and you have a lot to do here as well. It’s your choice, and you’re lucky enough to have another chance to decide.”

“You mean it’s not the first time I’ve had to choose?”

“Everyone is faced with the same choice immediately after they’re born. Souls enter their human bodies in the womb, and most of the time they stay there until birth. And when they’re born, they have to decide if they’re ready to deal with the limitations of living here. The few who don’t want to be here decide to leave, and that’s what is commonly referred to as SIDS.”

“Sudden infant death syndrome?”

“Yes. It’s an ironic name since it’s nowhere near sudden. The transition itself is instantaneous, but the decision takes many weeks to make. That’s the main thing we all go through as soon as we’re born into this world: deciding if we’re ready to be limited by these bodies in order to experience life here.”

“Because there are many experiences and lessons that can only be had here.”

“Like what?”

“Like having children, for one.”

My thoughts returned to Autumn, and I began to wonder what it would be like to be a father. There was something deep inside me that wanted to care for her and teach her about life on this planet. Almost more than anything I’d ever wanted to do.

“Why can’t I live in both places like I have been?”

“Because your body can’t handle it. The more time you spend there, the more you’ll disregard your body, and it will eventually die. How long do you think it’s been since you left your apartment?”

“I don’t know . . . maybe a week.”

“Yeah, I should probably eat more, but I don’t think it’s been three weeks.”

“Look at this,” he said as he showed me a newspaper.

The date said September 10. I was shocked. It had been nearly five weeks since I’d gone to Martika’s party. That explained the stacks of late notices and threats from utility companies that my mailbox could barely contain.

“You have to choose,” he repeated, and this time his words went right to my core.

“But what about Autumn? What would she do if I don’t stay?”

“She’ll be fine. Autumn is a powerful soul, and she’ll be okay with whatever choice you make. She has many options, so you don’t have to worry about her. This isn’t her first time here, and she knows what she’s doing. But you’ll miss out on one of the most incredible joys of the universe if you decide to leave now. Your work on the other side will remain forever, but the joy of children is a very special opportunity that doesn’t happen every day.”

“When will I meet her mother?”

“After your soul decides to stay. Now, go into the store and get yourself some food. You look like you’re about to pass out.”

I stocked up on extra brown rice and rooibos, and after waving goodbye to Robert and Puppy Don, I made the familiar journey back up the hill. When I was nearly halfway home, I noticed three dragonflies that seemed to be following me. There was something very familiar about them, especially the two that were closest to me. By then I was used to Autumn’s games, and naturally assumed she was one of them.