Waiting (11 page)

I nod. “Yes. Yes.” I nod again.

“I thought we were going to lose you.”

Around us the whole room is quiet. Both boys are asleep. So’s Mr. Fulton.

“I’m not sure what happened.”

Mrs. Fulton moves on light feet, pulling the boys up, both at once, to tuck them into bed. “Don’t go anywhere other than to and from London’s home,” she says to Lili and Jesse.

Then she says, “I am so glad you’re here, London. Really.”

She means it. I can hear she means it.

“Can you spend the night?” Lili says. She’s on her knees, looking at me. She has the best hair. “Would your parents let you? I have something you can sleep in. Some kind of jammies. We can talk all night.”

How can she be so nice when I can hardly make a word come out of my mouth?

“Give her a chance to answer, Lili,” Jesse says. He moves away and my arm, I notice, goes cold. “I gotta go call Queen Suck Face.”

“Make me vomit, why don’t you,” Lili says. She rolls her eyes. “What do you say? Do you want to?”

“Sure.” And I do. I take a deep breath and try to shake off this ever present feeling of grief. I can feel it dislodge a bit. Move some, from my shoulders.

“Oh, goodie!”

Goodie?

“Call your mom and see if it’s okay.”

I clear my throat. “I don’t have to,” I say. “She’ll be all right with it.”

We talk about:

* Boys at school

* Girls at school

* Queen Suck Face

* Utah

* Africa (and other family travels)

* How long ago we stopped traveling and settled down

Then, just like that, Lili is sound asleep.

“Lili?”

I’m on a pallet next to her bed. Her arm hangs down, creamy white, fingers relaxed. Her pretty face is almost hanging off the bed too, her mouth a little bit open.

“Lili?”

There’s no sound from her but deep, slow breathing.

I lie on my back, look at the ceiling that seems clouded with the darkness.

Down the hall I can hear Jesse still talking to Queen Suck . . . I mean Lauren, my used-to-be best friend. I can’t hear his words, and all the sudden I want to.

Should I?

Should I go listen in on him?

My heart pounds at the thought. I haven’t done anything daring like this in so long. Well, not including sleeping all day with Taylor. But that doesn’t count because it wasn’t planned. My lips tingle.

I get up on my knees.

What’s my body doing? I haven’t decided to listen, and yet, here I am getting up like I’ve made a plan. Like
I’m

Lauren. How embarrassing!

But it’s my body that’s doing the decision making.

I crawl toward the door.

Look back at Lili, who sleeps on, her face like an angel’s, in the dark room.

Outside the door,
I stand up. Well, sort of stand up. I’m crouched over but I’m off my knees. My heart thumps.

My mouth has gone dry. Do I have toothpaste on my lips? Why do I feel so giddy?

Jesse’s voice is low and I can’t make out the words still.

In fact, I have no idea where he is.

Down the hall I go, crouched over like I have a spine problem. I cover my mouth with my hand. I’m grinning.

Grinning.

There! He’s there, behind this closed door. I can hear him, voice soft, deep from the late hour maybe? He speaks only a few words every now and then. A sigh from the bed. Maybe he’s turning over. For some reason I think of French toast, me flipping it over on the greased skillet for Zach and him saying, “I could eat your French toast all day, London,” and me saying back, “I’m not making it for you all day, Zacheus.” I was mad that day. Why was I mad?

I don’t hear anything about me, though I listen. I’m so dumb! Why would Jesse and Lauren talk about me? Ha! They’ve probably talked about sex. Or making out. Or how good-looking Jesse is.

It’s quiet for a long moment, and I run my hand on the door. It’s cool to the touch. Smooth. I imagine myself opening it, sliding into the room, sitting beside Jesse, kissing him right as he says Lauren’s name.

Across the hall, one of the Fultons makes a sound. Are they getting up? And just like that, Jesse’s door opens.

He looks startled, then he smiles down at me.

“What are you doing here, London?” He’s so pretty it takes my breath away. Or maybe I’m having some kind of attack again. The truth is, I can’t see him that well, because a light is on behind him. He’s backlit. Glowy.

“I’m just. I. I can’t,” I say.

“You were listening.”

I shake my head. “No. Not really.” My face burns. “Lili’s asleep and . . .”

He leans against the doorjamb. He’s not wearing a shirt, and his chest looks so smooth I have the urge to run my hand across his skin, maybe rest my cheek on his . . .

“What are you looking at?”

“Huh? I’m not looking at . . .”

“I saw you.”

Is he kidding? I think he’s kidding. I try to smile, but my lips shake. “I better go back to bed.” I fake a yawn. I turn, walk back, hands sweating, knowing, knowing that he watches me the whole way to his sister’s room.

I dream about
Jesus.

He’s on a hill—a big hill—like a mountain or something.

And just like that, there’s Zach. My brother. The two of them stand together, and Jesus smiles like nothing else.

Like He’s so glad that Zach’s with Him. It’s like they’re pals or something.

When I wake up, the sun is just starting to rise. I can see the morning at the window, peering in.

I lie still. I want to keep this feeling, this Zach feeling, this Jesus feeling, with me. Things seem so . . . I don’t know . . . so right.

I go back to sleep before the sensation slips away, and I don’t dream again.

“Morning, London,” Jesse
says when I walk into the dining room with Lili. He has this funny look on his face, like he’s daring me to confess something. Confess my infatuation? I want to walk over and kiss him a good one, but instead I ignore him.

“You sleep good?”

“Did you sleep
well
,” Mrs. Fulton says. “
Well
, Jesse. Did you, London?” She mutters to herself, “We have got to get a pull-out bed for guests.”

“Sure,” I say. I glance at Mrs. Fulton. Her back is to me as she pours huge bowls of Cap’n Crunch for her little boys. I stick my tongue out at Jesse. He just looks at me, waiting. But Natey sees what I do and gasps. He lets out a squeal of laughter along with, “London did something very naughty, Mommy.
Very
naughty.”

“What’s that, baby?” Lili says. She picks Natey up and tickles at him.

I have to look away.

“She sticked her tongue at Jesse,” he says.

“Yeah, Mom,” Jesse says, “London sticked her tongue out at me.”

I’m horrified. “You’re acting ugly,” I somehow manage to say.

“Am I?”

I nod. I feel my face flame.

“How?”

I have no answer.

Lili watches us. “Keep flirting,” she says. “You both know how I feel about Queen Suck Face.”

There’s this photo
of me with Zach.

I’m newly born and he’s just over a year old.

He’s got me crunched up to his little self, and he laughs as I kiss his face.

It’s not a real kiss, of course, just a baby kiss.

I loved him from the moment I was born until the moment he died.

I love him still.

I know I
should go home. You don’t spend the night with someone—last-minute invited—and
then
stay all day on Saturday. Moms don’t like that.

Still, I have to make myself leave.

“I can walk,” I tell Lili after breakfast as she hurries to get ready. She has a dance class that she’s off to. Dance?

Who does that? Normal people?

I am so not normal anymore.

Was I ever? I think so.

“Jesse will take you home after he drops me off,” she says. She’s brushing all that gorgy dark hair. She smiles at me in the mirror. “Do you like him?”

I’m holding this unicorn of hers. It’s small, has a golden horn and tiny golden hooves. I don’t expect her question. “Who?”

She sets the brush down, then takes me by the shoulders. Her room is a mismatch of colors that somehow work together.

“
You
know,” she says. “
My
brother.” Her voice is full of italics.

“Natey and Steve are just too young for me,” I say. I can hear them in the other room. It’s the first time I’ve made
a joke since Zach died. Wow. It feels good to say that silly thing.

But it also feels like I’m betraying him. My brother gone too soon.

My knees go a little weak, and I have to sit down on the edge of her bed. The blankets from my pallet are all folded. Resting.

“You know who I mean, silly,” she says. She has a nice smile.

I swallow. “I like him fine.”

“Would you date him?” She still holds my shoulders, even though I’m rag-doll sitting now.

I give a weak shrug. “He’s not interested.”

Lili turns back to the mirror, pulls her hair into a loose ponytail. “I sure would like for him to be.” She’s muttering. Bothered. “I do
not
like Queen Suck Face.”