Vulnerable (9 page)

            “She and I were each other’s refuge growing up,” her face immediately changed, looking lighter, and almost free. She watched the ceiling tiles as though they were moving or doing something interesting, “She’s about five years younger than me… even though she looks and acts about ten years younger… But anyway…” Michael thought of how she was almost as scatterbrained as he was in regular situations. He would have laughed to himself if he didn’t feel so disgusted that a human being such as her adopted father could be so vile. “One time... I-I… I didn’t go out and get the p-package he ordered me to… They were drugs; I
knew
they were! I didn’t want him to be so violent, and I knew the drugs always made it worse. Unfortunately, he whooped on me pretty hard for not getting them… and I’m guessing that he was having bad withdrawals, which is what I told myself when I tried to make excuses for him. I was twelve.

            “Sometimes he would go into Haley’s room… and actually just talk to her… I was so envious that I felt so guilty and selfish afterwards… but… I saw them… The door to my room was open and hers was too—and just straight across the hall—they just talked and laughed like a
normal
family. But… that same night… he came into my bedroom… and did much,
much
worse things than usual…” her face drained of color and she looked as though she was about to vomit. She took a deep, shuddered breath before continuing, “I feel like Haley and my relationship was never the same after that. She seemed to pity me, and I closed even tighter, wriggling even farther into my hermit crab shell that my adopted father so generously provided me.” She scoffed and shook her head.

            Then her eyes glistened, and not just with the tears that had been overflowing profusely—whether or not either of them really realized it—but with love, and with dreaming visions of life. “I’d think about B—a woman… a Sister… from my orphanage… a maternal, almost grandmotherly figure that would hum to me, rocking me to sleep when the monsters wouldn’t go away… And sometimes… I can
feel
her… next to me… like she told me I would…” Her face brightened with a giant smile and still-dreamy eyes.

            “She died… but in the few weeks I still had with her, she explained to me the importance of being good and kind, and of loving God… because He loves us, and she told me to pray to know for myself so that I wouldn’t be one of those people that just used other people’s testimony’s of God—of Heavenly Father—as a crutch. She said that it was important to love Him because He loves us more than we can imagine, and that’s why she said she knew that He’d let her visit me. Because He loves us, and even though we have to go through hardships, it’s to make us stronger, and more like Him, because He wants us to have all that He has.” Tears fell faster down her now flushed cheeks, “And she was right.”

            The room was quiet in contrast to Michael’s raging mind and crazy web of thought. It seemed like an eternity before either of them spoke again. Her conviction in God—of her Heavenly Father…
their
Heavenly Father—was incredible, and it made his bosom burn… just like he’d heard once that it would… when he felt God for himself… It’s strange… God works in mysterious ways.

            Millie’s voice cracked back into existence, breaking the silence.

            “When I think about it… it’s odd… it’s as if that person… in the orphanage isn’t—wasn’t—me… Like, it was a different life, you know? It’s as though I’m remembering my past life or something…” her voice broke and her eyes seemed uneasy. Michael pondered her words.

            “You are,” he replied after much askew thoughts and mass, quick contemplation; her eyes jolted in his direction. She looked as though someone had just told her something quite unbelievable, or surprising.

            “You are remembering a life that made you stronger, but not a life that made you who you are. In a way, it
is
a past life of yours that you’re remembering. Which is why you need to move forward in order to survive with any ounce of sanity, and any ounce of happiness.”

She studied his face with a mask of reservation and doubt. “But… I’m so broken…. I come with s-so mu—so much baggage,” she was sobbing so hard that she was hiccupping. Michael didn’t mind. He just pressed her tighter to his chest before pulling her back again and looking sternly into her eyes.

“You are
not
broken. And
baggage
? Psh! We
all
have baggage, and if someone leaves someone or doesn’t start something great with someone because of
baggage,
then they don’t deserve that person. I
do
believe that everything happens for a reason, and those people with ‘baggage’ catch a break from those not worthy of their amazing souls for being strong enough to bust through ‘baggage.’

“And before you say anything else, I just want to add that I don’t care about the weight you may gain or lose, the wrinkles that may line your face, or the sunlight fading from your hair in time. Everything that colors you in makes you the person that you are. You would be just another cookie-cutter person living in a boring old life trying to become what society wants you to be just like everyone else. I will always see you as the woman that shines through your eyes. Don’t worry about baggage, weight, wrinkles, or hair. Worry about love, service, charity, and humility. And you already do, so I’d consider myself the luckiest man in the world having an angel like you. If an angel like you would have me, of course.” Michael looked at her with such genuine feeling that left her breathless. She’d never seen such honesty before in her life, and she’d never seen such a strong-willed soul tucked beneath the shy interior that made him who he was since she listened to the buzzing hums of Baba in the orphanage back in Russia.

Michael’s spiel left Millie speechless, but a thin sheet of tears glazed the ocean blue of her eyes. She opened and closed her mouth a few times before finally just jumping up and wrapping her arms around him in such a tight squeeze Michael would have been afraid of choking if he wasn’t filled with so much happiness. Together they sobbed and hiccupped, and laughed that they hiccupped, and looked into each other’s eyes.

The room went still.

            It seemed as though they were staring at each other for hours before Michael finally leaned in to the beautiful soul he saw sitting perfectly broken before him, but she wasn’t broken to him. And to her, for the first time in her life, she felt as though she may be fixable. Maybe…

            She puffed out her rosy lips that sat puckered and chapped with dried blood, but he didn’t care. He cupped her face in his hands and pressed his lips deeply into hers. Her body felt warm beneath his chest; much warmer than the cold figure of Millie that had been lying on the hospital bed just hours before. That Millie seemed to be years away. Now all Michael could think about what this woman he’d known for only a short amount of time but felt so strongly for, so passionately about, and he wasn’t quite sure why. Even with his previous wife, he hadn’t shared so much with. They never talked much, they never cried together or laughed out loud together; the best they ever did was chuckle at a movie together. And usually, Michael would feel guilty about thinking this. But it was the truth, and this woman with him now was the woman he’d been longing for his entire life: a woman that he loved in more ways than a handful.

            Her arms fell over the back of his neck and pushed tightly against his upper back. He curled his arms around her waist and pressed her body against his in a swift tug as he kissed her harder.

            Michael’s brain was fuzzy and his heart was beating rapidly against his chest—he could hear its strokes racking his eardrums. And he knew that she must feel them too because he could feel hers thumping beneath her chest.

            He slid his hand up and down her back and twisted a lock of her hair in between two of his fingers. The air was getting heavy and his face was feeling warm. He felt her lips move more deeply into his and his heart just struck faster, which he didn’t realize was possible. The clock that had just been ticking in the kitchen nearby seemed to stop moving. Time was standing still. The night would go on forever. At least, that’s what Michael wanted. Unfortunately, after several more minutes, time started once more.

            Millie closed her lips and slid her arms down his biceps. She inched her face away slowly and sighed softly before giving him one more, deep kiss. She pulled away again and looked up into his eyes. “We should stop before things get carried away,” she said with a smoky laugh. Michael swallowed hard and blinked a few times, catching his breath.

            He smiled and laughed back, rubbing the nape of his neck, “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.” She smiled at him and got up on her shaky legs. “Whoa, be careful,” Michael said. He motioned his arm towards her legs, as though to pick them up with one hand.

            “Michael, I’m fine,” Millie replied softly, looking at him at eye level now. He grinned gently and kissed her once more.

            “I’ll help you to your room.” He swooped her up into his arms and walked slowly down the hallway towards their rooms, savoring each moment he got to hold her in his arms.
A feeling like this doesn’t happen every day
, he thought,
I don’t want this night to end; I don’t want tomorrow to come…

            They finally reached Millie’s bed, where Michael laid her down gently. He stroked her head and kissed it before asking, “Do you need anything else? Anything at all? You name it and I’ll get it for you—there’s a twenty-four hour supermarket nearby.” Their smiles hadn’t left either of their faces. She shook her head giddily.

            “I’m fine—I’m great, actually.” Her eyes glimmered in the light peering down from the moon peeping in through the window.

            “Good—I mean—great!” They laughed.

            The air was quiet, but Michael swore that he could hear his heart thumping wildly and that Millie must be able to hear it too.

            “Michael?” Millie asked, breaking the thoughts Michael’s mind was streaming.

            “Yes?” he replied softly.

            “Her name was Baba.”

            Michael’s confusion was eminent.

            “The woman I talked about from the orphanage… the one who’d hum me to sleep… the one I can feel with me sometimes… I called her Baba.” She was clearly smiling in a warm essence that matched the night air. Michael felt it flow through him as her words kissed his ears. She looked out the window at the round yellow moon as she continued, “I thank our Heavenly Father every day and night that He allows her to come visit me when I need her most… I always have… I’ve always felt her holding me… because I never had someone to do it here… until now.” She blinked and looked over at him, her lower lip trembling.

            He rushed over to her and grabbed her face with his hands, making sure to be careful with her beautiful face, and kissed her passionately once more.

            “I can’t believe I feel so strongly for you in such a short amount of time,” he whispered. She grabbed one of his hands and stroked it with her fingers.

            “Me neither…”

            They kissed again under the fading light of the moon, losing track of time and temperature. The air was getting frigid and pierced their skin.

            Millie looked into Michael’s eyes and asked, “Will you… c-come to church with me on Sunday? It’s just… I always think of how much our Heavenly Father has given us and that I want to show Him my thanks by going to church… and I just think it’d be great if we went together… I couldn’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be.” Her eyes peered at him in anxious anticipation.

            His grin widened.

            “Me neither,” his voice cooed softly, “There would be no place I’d rather be either.” Her eyes glistened and glittered like the stars glimmering out the window. She kissed him swiftly in excitement and giggled childishly.

            “You’re funny,” Michael said with a chuckle. “And you need rest!” He jokingly wagged his index finger at her in faux admonishment. She clasped his hand in between both of hers and giggled even more while she kissed up his arms. Their lips met again before they bid each other a good night.

           
This is silly,
Michael thought
, but I like it.

            “Well,” he sighed while getting up from the bed that—despite its make and size—was surprisingly much more comfortable than his own, “I will see you in the morning.” He bowed in jest and she did the same in return. He could still hear her laughter as he closed the door quietly behind him.